Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

One if those days, dds came back from contact miserable, so I took the out for bubble tea to cheer them up except I'd scoffed a load of garbage today and it feels like I have a brick in my stomach, that and a load of tapioca pearls, is making me feel quite urgh!. I keep on asking the X not to use the dds as a go between and for safeguarding reasons let me know where they are going, but to no avail. Only another 7 days to go till the next rigmarole.

To use dd1s favourite phrase; mood

Not read the whole thread but another single parent checking in
I'm luckier than lots, I only have one ds, now 15, the ex does pay maintenance and has ds one night a fortnight but that's about the only contribution he makes. He hasn't attended a parents evening since year 2 (now in year 11), won't let ds take homework to his house (its "his time").

The key is organisation, I remember one night many years ago, ds had gone to bed and I went to make a cup of tea and had forgotten I'd used the last of the milk. That feeling of not even being able to make a cuppa, of not being able to leave the house until the next morning as ds was asleep, and generally of feeling jealous of people who don't even have to think about such menial things really hit me.

Also the thing of having very few photos of me and ds together as I was always the one taking them. Silly things like that, but then I remember that at least I have the memories of those times with ds when he was little x

SP to two , DS8 and DD13. EXH moved straight in to OW house over an hour away three years ago when caught cheating. Kids introduced within 8 weeks and ive never said a bad word about them. The same can't be said with them speaking negatively about me but i promised myself that when the kids look back they will see who acted with dignity and their best interests at the heart of every decision. It's nearly killed me though.

Its been the hardest but most liberating three years of my life. DD just started counselling because of her dads behaviour. He was financially and emotiobally abusive and has carried that on with DD. DS seems to just be left to his own devices but is fiercely loyal about his dad to his sister.

Like others have said its the little things like not being able to nip out in an evening.

EX does pay minimum maintenance but uses it as a stick to beat me with and a trophy to try and prove how great he is. He has them EOW. This will never change. He is inflexible on everything and wont communicate with me directly only through DD.

I used to ask for help with sick days, inset or residential payments etc but after being told hes not there to pick up my slack i dont bother any more.

Im very lucky in that i have immense family and friends to help. Although i feel they look at me and the kids as something that should be pitied/saved.

I have realised that no matter what is thrown at single parents, no matter how weak or tired we feel... we always come out of the other side. My brother described being a single parent as like a cockroach... it isnt pretty but when the chips are down and the whole world is inploding our kids know we are there. We are solid, dependanable and plodding on regardless. There simply isnt the choice to stop.

"Pick up your slack"?

Picking up my slack is one of the nicer comments. Before i understood how abusive he was some of his contact was in my house. I used to sit upstairs whilst he played happy families. He agreed that two mornings a week he would take the kids to school. So id leave for work at 7.30 and hed come in the house. I asked if hed get them dressed and was told he isnt there to do my housework and make my life easier.

When asked to wash their school uniform the EOW he had them i was told that his weekend was to spend with the kids and again not to do my housework.

When he lived here i worked four days him five. We bought a new car. Also had a small cheap run around. I did all the nursery and school drop off. Had the kids with me all weekends as he needed his rest. He announced that as a compromise for me being lazy (my working four days and doing everything house wise etc) i was not allowed to drive the nice bigger family car. He should always get the option first. If he definately didnt need it i could then ask.

I could go on for pages and pages about things he did and said about me wieght, education, lack of ambition, lack of ability to stick to the 37.41 a week shopping budget but i win. My life is hard dont get me wrong. I feel spent all the time. But I come home to my kids in a car I paid for to a home I own. The home is happy and stress free (otherthan the usual) and i smile at the end of each day. I rock and its been lovely to be reminded by a thread like this how much i rock.

What an absolute cock Chucklecheeks.

I bet it makes you realise how much better off you are without him chuckle . Sounds like you are doing a great job .

Well, my 1/2 term's got off to a flying start.

DS2 brought home from day out with childminder due to unexplained faint. It's happened before and he's been thoroughly checked out (twice he managed to smack his head and knock himself out on falling).

Nothing precluded this episode (the others all followed a shock). Getting him checked out (as advised) at the docs later.

I work from home so I can get on, but am now worried (of course) and feeling incompetent with work. I have a very supportive boss, but still.

Meanwhile, I'm sure ex is having a lovely day.

Oh i hope he is ok xxx

Thank you. He is being referred back to hosp. He's fine, it's just concerning that he had no warning at all.

My ex has a penchant for rants. It’s absolutely bizarre the way he still attempts to control me. He’ll write pages and pages of advice, warnings, telling offs and dressing downs and I’m ‘not listening’. All in a very flourished manner, nobody I’ve ever met in my life speaks/writes like that. He is absolutely livid he can’t get to me. I never reply. So he’s using DD. Who luckly is quite switched on and snaps back at him: you’re a dick. And then he starts on her. And that is going to affect her, in the long term and that’s why I started ‘reacting’. No is a complete answer. Not my problem. No, that doesn’t work for me.
Not sure how this is going to span out, but I need him to stop using the child in the process.
My life would be so simple if he just moved on.

I guess we are all at different stages of separation. With being better off without them as a common denominator 😂.

Just sending lots of hugs and i was a single parent for 8 years with a young child and a stressful Ex.

I don’t know if this helps, but some things I wish I’d done differently:

• not taking it upon myself to facilitate or appease or engage with Ex and his father son relationship. That is so draining. Concentrate on you single parents and being a great parent with your children. The Ex can either help or get off your case!
• not being superwoman. Don’t try to be everything. Concentrate on what matters.
• get good friends, solid, wise and stable. Then you won’t lean on your kids so much, will get good advice, and feel less alone without a partner.
• be strong for your kids. Be the best person you can be, they will see your example and be great adults too.

chucklecheeks I had a lot of that bullshit about him needing a lie-in type stuff and didn't want to go anywhere... I gave up trying to coax him out of the house and just cracked on with the kids. What a waste of a life... lying in bed only to get up to watch TV. Baffles me!

OrigFV God that's scary - I hope you can get some answers. I was a bit of a fainter when I was a teen - all hormone related and on the first day of my period - probably not the case for your son!

OK - this could be a contentious question! But, are any of you actively seeking a new partner? I'm d.o.n.e. - rather like it just me and the children - even if they do drive me utterly batty.

Cleaner starts tomorrow hurrah!

Yay ZigZag! Hope the cleaner works out for you, game changer. Game changer. Takes off so much pressure. My head is very effected by by surroundings and if things are messy/dirty it makes me struggle with a sense of panic. But if I spend days cleaning I get really uptight with the DCs if they make a mess. I am not exaggerating when I say she saves me.

In answer to your question, I have a boyfriend. Seems odd calling him that at our age. But can’t say partner as we don’t live together. I met him shortly after separation - never meant to, wasn’t really looking, just dipping a toe into the dating water to see what it was all about (when I was first dating it was done in sticky floored, smoke filled cellar bars in Soho, OLD wasn’t a thing) We don’t see an awful lot of each other because of my situation but he is a wonderful man. I’ve never really had a good man in my life. And he is completely opposite in every way to XH.

I keep relationship/my family life very separate. It makes it difficult, but not impossible.

orig, how is he today?
zigzag, yy to laying in bed most of the morning (till 11 at a minimum), like you, I used to just take DD and get on with it. God, it’s so much easier now.

I do have a partner. I’m working out if it’s working out iyswim. I’ve been having counselling, I opened the box, things are flying out. But I wouldn’t be sad if I was single again. I’ll just get on with it I think.

The thing that puts me off is a man neediness, it’s like having another child, really. I don’t do mothering 40 something year olds very well.

I have been cleaning my teenage DD’s room. Oh. My. Days.

I'm not expecting show home perfection - and tbh I've never liked these "sterile" houses without a book in sight. I prefer organised mess. Kondo would go into cardiac arrest in my house - but all my clutter fond memories ground me - and are a part of me. I don't want to spend my child-free weekend exhausting myself by blitzing the house - I need to work and/or take the dog up into the hills and/or lie on the couch with a book or six.

O4FS There's definitely that! When I was on the scene, you went out, got pissed, snogged someone, possibly shagged them and then over the course of a few days you decided whether you were a couple or not. None of this seeing multiple people and then having to have a formal chat about being exclusive. Clearly I come from a different era. I did sign up to POF for about 24 hours but the men who claimed to be my age were either lying, or had lived very very hard lives without access to water in some barren land. I made my excuses and left (the website, not an actual date with those fuggos).

I've been seeing someone recently, not very often as we're both quite busy and taking it quite slowly but it's been going well so far. I wasn't really planning on dating any time soon but it's been nice to escape the mayhem occasionally

I've been with someone for a year. He is an school friend who got in touch via facebook. I however had no intentions of having another relationship as thr kids had my focus.

It was my mum who pushed me to respond saying I am entitled to a life beyond the kids. Unfortunately we split after Christmas because of issues with toxic members of his family. Soending time with his dad eas like soending time with my EXH.

I laid out to him that my kids have enough drama with the ex without inviting more in. We made the mistake of trying to blend, ou at social occasions, xmas ect and never over night but it was too much for me and the kids. He also struggled with my Ex behaviour and I found I was having to manage the kids emotions along with his too.

It was hard to do but surprisingly (as im not used to a partner listening to my view) he has acted on my concerns and we are dating again. He has spoken to his dad and distanced himself from his bejaviour. Hes gone to counselling to deal with his reactions to my ex and his own marriage bteakdown 8 years ago. Hes been ery grown up BUT the proof is in the pudding.

We dont involve the children and wont be for a long time. He has a 16 and 12 year old. I dont want to parent them. Especially when i only get a few nights a month to myself. I dont want to live with anyone. Its took me a while to relaise the traditonal view of family isnt the only option.

I wasnt actively searching and if we dont work out i wont be again. Who has the bloody time

I’ve just split up with my boyfriend this summer. I’ll be honest, it’s destroyed me! I think I was so used to coping - I was strong, I liked our life. Then I met my ex and realised how it could be. I’ve not had someone on my side before as Ds dad left when I was pregnant. We became a family, which is what i always wanted. Someone to be me with, who cared about the little things. Then he hit me and so I had to leave, but it’s shown me that I was missing out on something I didn’t know about before him. I’m finding it harder being on my own this time as I didn’t know what I was missing before. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to throw myself into that again! I think I’d rather work on building myself up to being happy on our own again. I don’t know. It’s maybe all too raw right now!

Today I gave a really dodgy stomach and I've got to make something for them to eat when all I feel like us throwing up just thinking about it

disney That's what justeat is for is it not?

It seems this dating malarky is all a lot more complicated with children (and their welfare) to consider.

I went to the optician today. FML. I knew I was getting gimmery and struggling more with every day tasks - e.g., finding the fucking coffee aisle in ASDA. But he said I'm legally no longer allowed to drive without glasses. WHAT DEAR? SUSAN? WHO'S SUSAN?

Meh. 2 new pairs of glasses at an eye-watering cost. It's been 5 years since I was last tested and I knew my eyes were getting worse and I was wearing my bins more but I didn't think they were quite that bad. Although getting panicky in the supermarket because you can't see shit is probably a good indicator.

I hated needed glasses, felt it was the start of my deterioration. Combine that with being peri-menopausal, the anxiety and fear of my own mortality kicks in. I’m a right laugh.

Disney - are they on half term this week?
they’ll be fine with whatever is in/going to the shop/a ready meal/ordering in. Do not worry! Just take to the sofa and drink plenty of water. I’m sorry you are feeling grim, it’s upsetting when all you want to do is be ill and you can’t even get to do that. At least your DD1 is old enough to get something sorted - would she be ok doing that?

How's everyone doing today?

My anxiety has gone through the fucking roof with the cleaner coming in half an hour. I haven't even been able to get out to the cash point to pay the poor woman. I need a valium and a long walk with the dog I think. :(

DS2 is fine now.

I am in full 1/2 term juggle mode.
Wake and work at 6am. Take DS to drum rock school thing, work in sport centre cafe for 45 mins (using my phone hotspot), 30 min swim (needed that!), collect DS and now back home and working while he either plays xbox or roams around the village trying to find friends. Thankfully the weather has been kind.

2 full days of childcare tomorrow and Friday.

ex being an arse.

Annoys me when friends who are in relationships or have the father of their kids around not being able to understand why you don't have the time to do 'x/y/z' or 'why can't you afford to do this? It's only £3748....??' --- NO because it is just me to provide for us and I don't have a babysitter built in or on tap!!!

Apologies if this ^ has already been said upthread