Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

I am in awe of single parents. Apart from all the practicalities, it must be horrible not having anyone to share the good/bad/funny things with.
One of the reasons I get so outraged by the mean spirited “only give a lift/play date/whatever if it’s reciprocated tally chart” is that I know how much easier my parenting life was/is because there are two of us doing it, so I think I should pay that forward.

It's ridiculous isn't it. I have family but they work long hours so don't help much. My mum had me very young so is only 53 so still working full time. I even had someone say she should take shorter hours to help me.

No one seems to get I can't just have me time or drop everything and go for a night out.

For me its being able to WFH, on top of document writing and telephone meetings I get to do the beds, put clothes away and generally tidy up, before they get home from school.

ZigZagZombie I've tapped up colleagues to be emergency contacts, also have a bit of a chat with your DC's school principal. Mine has offered to do overnights in the worst of circumstances. People will help.

I've stopped listening to the helpful bits of advice about being a single parent from people (blokes) who aren't.

I have one colleague at the moment whining about all the extras he has to do because his wife is off work having had an operation, he has to go home at lunchtime to walk the dog. Another had to take a half day because his DC was ill and his wife had to do to work, didn't he moan about it. These are also the two biggest complainers that I put life before work. They also got upset that I told them to fuck off to their faces about it, but I can get away with that because I'm a bloke.

Thank you disney - it should all fall into place now as the kids started their new school in the village which means there will be other people around. The old school was 5 miles away and I didn't know anyone in that town - well, a couple of people - who worked FT and probably had similar issues - i.e., all new to the area with no network! Also because I live in the middle of nowhere there aren't these gazillions of agencies which apparently we should all be able to use at the drop of a hat. Most of the emergencies are weather related and now the school is within walking distance. Ex finishes work 2pm so he's perhaps not as useless in this case as he usually is.

I think I am quite fortunate. I do have local help from parents, but mainly on an ad hoc basis (I pay for childcare obv!).
I do have some family (ex's parents) locally as well and they've been brilliant when I've had to travel abroad for work.
One Aunt doesn't get it, but is quite willing.

My own family are further away so that's harder, but my sis is having DS2 when I'm at a conference which is during the Easter hols (thanks for that!). She's a teacher so won't be at work.

I am fortunate to have a decent salary so I can get sitters when I want to go to my book club (once every 6 weeks or so), or when I need to go for a long run (this keeps me sane!).

Oh but something that does annoy me.
Friend: I'd like to take X and DS2 out on Sunday.
Me: Oh that would be great [plans what to do in glorious 2 or 3 hrs]
Friend: I'll let you know.

Best thing would have been to say at the time, "oh, if you do then I'll be able to get on with some study, could you let me know by Wednesday if possible, otherwise I'll make other plans", but I didn't and obv I can't do that now as it looks pushy.

But if I have that time I can go for a run. If I don't, that's fine, but I need to make other plans. Spontaneity is hard.

I needed this thread this morning!

I’ve had a bit of a crap week with both kids ill one after the other. I have no family near to help me out - although my mum does all the childcare for my niece who is 12 ( trying very hard not to be bitter, they are far away I guess). I had 3 1/2 weeks in September where my regular childcare fell through and it nearly broke me.

Also just realised this morning that the school my youngest is starting in in September starts the reception kids a week later and then has 3 weeks of half days. I have no one who can cover this for me. I honestly don’t know what I will do as I also have to cover the school holidays.

And yes to the constant ‘you need to get out and rebuild your life!’ ‘Why don’t you get out the house more/do a hobby/exercise’. It makes me want to scream. For a start I don’t have anyone who can babysit and even if I did I can’t afford to pay for a babysitter on top of going out ( or find one who wants to do an hour whilst I go for a run).

I do have a couple of friends who said to ring if I ever had an emergency in the middle of the night etc. The one time I did ring in desperation they naturally didn’t have phones on ( don’t blame them in any way).

I am lucky in that my work is pretty understanding, but I feel very trapped there as a result.

So glad to have found this thread and know that I'm not alone. I agree with you @Ilovecrumpets about the constant 'you need to get out more' What about the cost and availability of childcare!

When filling in forms the other day I had to write a third emergency contact and I had to put ex's mother

I have to put my ex husband! Both my parents deceased.

On paper my life looks mega stressful
Single mum
Two young chldren
No family support whatsoever
Work in a full on job

BUT!!! It’s ok and I actually enjoy life. Perhaps being a single parent taps in to my love for control and order because I am in sole charge and what i say... goes!

I think what goes an awful long way in contributing to my positive experience of single parenting is i don’t have serious money worries at all.

Not everything is peachy. It’s hard work and Sometimes so incredibly full on (foreign holiday for example), but I do love it in many respects

@TheOrigFV45

Are you “brave”?

I won’t put full I see name in case it is you and you don’t want to be searched

@Kikipost
Yes I am. Yikes.....how did you know?

@Ilovecrumpets - I could so relate to your post including not having anyone on hand for emergency and not having the money to pay for babysitters in order to try to go out/have a life. It can be so so dull spending every evening IN!

Regarding Sept 1/2 days for your youngest, I know some people who just kept their child in daycare through September and only started reception/school when it went to full time. Their rationale was that phased days made sense for those children who weren't used to being in care but a move from FT daycare to FT school wasn't a problem. It meant that the child missed the first bit of school but saved the parents the grief of trying to juggle all the phased/half days.

One of the most lovely but really small thing one of my dear friends said when she was minding my son for me was 'just do what you need to do'.

I sort of feel obliged to only do really important things when friends do favours e.g. work or study or get to an appt, but I'd said I was going to go for a run (as well as the other things).

She's been there through some really tough times for me (I would often turn up at her door sobbing my heart out when I was in the middle of my divorce) and she truly understands and doesn't judge.

She's a good egg.

Just catching up on this thread and can relate to so much. I've been told things like 'you need to build a support network' but how?
With no family around, and it's hard to make friends because of hardly being able to go out, unless at great expense because of babysitter plus cost of night out. So I've hardly been out in a decade and unless you got super patient friends who don't mind seeing you only once in a blue moon when you can manage it, and want to be a one way support network, then you can't really. People don't get it. And thats not even mentioning married people who don't want to invite you to anything anyway. My dcs have really missed out I think, on this kind of family socialising.
And yet, its another thing to feel guilty over. This thread has made me realise that being alone a lot is not my fault its very hard to socialise or date as a lp.
Want I really want today is someone to give me a hug and make me a cuppa. That's all. to you all.

It’s the ‘I don’t know how you do it’ ones that bother me. Whether that’s because I have 4DCs or because it’s because I’m a SP.

How I do is by being perfectly capable of doing it. I get that people can’t inagine being in my/our situation, and they mean it kindly, but still. It also makes me slightly uncomfortable that the person saying it thinks they couldn’t do the same if the had to.

Yes it’s hard work, it’s testing, it tries us, but I don’t need you to take your hat off to me, or be in awe of me. I don’t miss - or need - someone to share it with. We are enough. I am enough.

Yes! Bananarama - yes!

It’s the ‘I don’t know how you do it’ ones that bother me. Whether that’s because I have 4DCs or because it’s because I’m a SP. ...l. It also makes me slightly uncomfortable that the person saying it thinks they couldn’t do the same if the had to.

This in spades.. I have a few friends with DCs who are SAHMs and have relatively carefree and privileged lives and they stress about the simplest/smallest things (which is fine as it's all relative) but then look at me and say 'Gosh, I couldn't do what you do.' Yes, yes you could. You would step up to the plate because you have to just like millions of women have had to over time. People cope because they have to.

I think we learn very quickly not to ‘sweat the small stuff’.

I also think that having to consider another parent’s opinion, deal with their decisions, behaviour etc often makes it harder. I can make a decision, call a situation, whatever. I take full responsibility in that moment. Not having someone else as emotionally invested in your child is challenging when dealing with the big stuff I admit, but day to day, there’s nothing so important that I can’t manage alone.

Yes, O4FS, the lack of anyone else to be as excited as you are about your DCs achievements/triumphs is a tough one.

windygallows yes, I'm never sure how to react to "I don't know how you do it" - is it praise or disbelief?

I only stress about massive stuff and I hardly ever cry. I used up all those tears and anxiety a long, long time ago. BUT, I do worry about that. I think I said somewhere further up the thread that I think I've got 'hard', like a layer of something tough and slightly impenetrable wrapped around me. Not sure that's a good thing.

I rarely cry either. I think because 1. wallowing in despair wont help and 2. nobody is going to step in or console me if I cry so it seems pointless.
I get that hard shell thing. Have that too. Maybe its grit.

But then on the more positive side, life is pretty even with no 'ups and downs' without a man on the scene so emotionally I think I'm on a more even keel, even though I sometimes get lonely.

Ilovecrumpets

I think if ever there was a contest for juggling and somehow getting things done, a single mother would win that hands down.

I know its not helpful today, but as the dc get a bit older, it does get a little easier.

Bertrand most of us do have people to share our funny , not so funny, sometimes frustrating bits of the day with. Our dc. OK, some things have to be kept from them (ie those of us with difficult ex's and stuff that involves that), but we have a whole bunch of us here that we can get that shit off our chest to.

Another emotional day here today. Not sure whats going on with me tbh, i mentioned the dream I had the other night, and i am still struggling to put it to the back of my mind. Also, its a sort of anniversary of a bereavement of someone who was very very close to me. I am no crier but the tears keep rolling. (wondering if im peri menopausal or something as its just not normal for me. I dont do emotional, I cried once with the whole saga of my ex).

The crying comment was a massive cross post ....

I cried too today isthismylifenow but just don't normally.

I've cried a lot recently which is unusual for me but I think I'm just exhausted emotionally and physically. Youngest DD (age 2) was up half the night last night, when she finally went back to sleep I had a quick cry to myself, I must have been really tired because I still don't know why I was crying