Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

Very true about seeing all the firsts, even if some of us feel like it’s all tiredness and stress and shouting. DD learned to blow bubbles with bubblegum tonight. She’s now a pro. Little things like that are priceless.

O4FS - your post really helped

Allow me a little weep...I get up at this ungodly hour so I can have a cup of tea in peace before the kids wake up. DS2 has just appeared and already asked about a million questions about ROBLOX

O4FS Loved that post. I too can relate, have two teens and although there has been tears and way too much drama at times, those things make all the difference....

I am in the weirdest mood this morning, just so very emotional. I had the most realistic dream.... probably my own fault really as ex got engaged to his affair partner (not that he ever admitted she was) and I stupidly went online as dd told me where the ring was from and see what it looked like etc etc. Why you ask? I don't know why, I just did. And i had the most awful dream, he was just so mean to me and said the most dreadful things. I cant get it out of my head and i just cant shake it. Its soo stupid. I am no dream interpreter but maybe its the engagement, the finality of ending of my 20 year marriage, I don't know. But I need to give myself a wobble.

Also, did you know.... You can well and truly fuck up your kitchen scissors if you use them to cut sandpaper. . I didn't know. I do now though.

Morning everyone. I did not know that about sandpaper but then again my kitchen scissors are shit so wouldn't make much difference. They are one of those things that I never get round to replacing as there is always something else to buy. Same with my bras.

So this morning I'm just feeling emotionally drained. My middle ds (10) is being assessed for asd and as they are piling on the pressure at school at the moment with Sats we are having nothing but meltdowns at home. They go on for hours and it upsets my other two so much. Last night I'm sad to say I lost it and really shouted at him I know I shouldn't have and it made no difference as when he's like it he doesn't listen to anything but I still feel terrible for shouting. I'm just sick of him breaking things and throwing. I've been told to just shut him in a room to calm down and it doesn't matter if he breaks stuff. Which is fine but I can't afford to replace things like doors and toys. He shares with his brother too so that's just not fair.

Any way enough moaning at least it's a quiet day work wise. Well probably not but the timetable is more relaxed on a Tuesday.

Hedwig - please tell the school, and consider withdrawing him if necessary. I don’t say that lightly - I’m a governor at a primary school (a school that works hard for SATs but is very wary of excessive pressure) and if I’d heard that children were getting upset I’d be speaking to the HT myself in that capacity.

It's hard. LP for 6 years, but still prefer it to living with EX. The 3 years I was with him were the worst time of my life.

I find it hard being responsible for everything. I learned pretty quickly to let standards slide. How often I change my bed is noones business but mine

I miss being able to go and do things I'd like to do. Someone asked me recently when was the last time I went to the cinema to see a film that wasn't a kids film. I actually couldn't remember. Got be at least 10 years. Says it all really.

One thing that really annoys me is that I watch men at work, who's wives have just given birth, make no changes whatsoever to their daily life. One new dad actually said to me last week, it would be great to have a meeting in London office so he could get a night in a hotel and a decent nights sleep. My face said so much I didn't need to.

What I find hard with being a single parent is it is all ON YOU. Decisions and so on have to be made and you have to get on with it without people to bounce off. I do talk to my mum and friends but it isn't the same as having a partner. I took my son to nursery for settling yesterday and it was really bad: the nursery was illegally understaffed, they weren't expecting us, had no paperwork etc. I was really not happy and took the decision to find another nursery at short notice but was/am really worried about having to make the decision myself... it is hard and you do have to be strong.

isthismylifenow I had some stuff going on a few weeks ago and the cherry on the cake was when I woke up at 2am in tears and upset because I'd had a similar dream... my ex had gotten married to the woman he'd sworn blind he wasn't with (obviously they ARE together now... . It shouldn't affect me because obviously he's a giant cock and I can't believe I spent all those years with him... nonetheless it knocked me back for a few days. My tears were probably about something else... but I felt crap anyway.

I'm home with the kids again today as they're changing schools due to bullying. Last night they both slept in my massive superking bed and although obviously I get slapped around the face in the middle of the night by flailing hands - it's still fucking brilliant! I can do this - and nobody gets to say whether it's OK or not.

My normal day. I'm a lark and I like a coffee (4) and a read before I'm joined so I'm up between 2 and 6 (utterly shit sleeper). I then spend an hour making breakfast and shouting SHOES! SHOES! No, NOT THOSE SHOES! SCHOOL SHOES!

Walk the dog.

Go over what I need to do for the day as I'm self-employed and WFH.

About 1-2 I realise I've forgotten to eat, so make some lunch and throw all the dishes in the sink. My office is in the kitchen and I try not to put the washing machine on during the day because I find the noise too distracting.

I try and wind up work around 3 so I can gather my thoughts before they get home at 4 - times will change a little at the new school.

Referee kickboxing and other dangerous combat until dinner time. Spend 2 hours squawking "read a bloody book, stop punching your brother" until a small army can be herded towards the shower and bed.

Collapse exhausted on the couch. Sweep the room with a glance. Pick up any lego I fear I'll tred on in the morning. Ignore the rest.

Rinse & repeat.

Zigzag our situation sounds quite similar. Ex too swore blind he wasn't with her, even so much as doing a disgusted face about her when i asked him outright. Well they are getting married now. By the calculations I am led to believe, engaged 5 weeks after getting together yeah, right. He bought the ring before they met if that's the case.....

Hedwig this sounds very stressful, but O4FS does give good advice.

I am battling to get going this morning, so will say have a good day all and will now close this page.....

Another one who swears he didn’t cheat but is now marrying his work colleague who he was with very soon after our split . Good luck to the new women , that’s what I say .

We'd separated and he'd had a fling with her. We decided to give it another go and he swore blind that he had no further contact with her. I found out he was with someone about 6 months ago - although he's not furnished me with even her name... The kids have filled me in and I put the pieces together - e.g., why this woman kept popping up on my friend's list on FB. She makes shit FB arts & crafts and he'd gifted me one during the period we were back together (although living separately) so clearly WAS still in contact with her! Also the kids have told me they remember visiting her house... wtf!? Fucking bellend. Still... they seem well suited. She's as thick as mince and has no boundaries either.

My XH cheated the whole time we were together. When I finally

... threw the towel in he could barely muster a shrug. Unfortunately everything went tits up. Now he is old, single and relies on his DC to meet his emotional needs (and that’s not great, let me tell you). I suspect, after being apart for years, he is emotionally manipulating his favourite child against me to secure his place in his life. DS comes back from his time there bullying and being abusive towards me. I have to remember to give him 24 hours to reset. When I don’t he is vile, that triggers me (because he behaves exactly as his DF did towards me). I’m going back to my counsellor to get some help and support. There is no way I am going to allow DS to turn into the man XH is. No way on this fucking earth.

DS is the only one I shout at. I think I’ve not invested in our relationship as much because I’ve not had to compensate for his DF as I have had to with the others. He’s always got so much more from him, but I’ve only just realised that I’m not investing in my Relationship with him, rather focusing on the effect that XH has. If you see what I mean?

It’s straight up (continued) gaslighting isn’t it. Even after the marriage has ended, it doesn’t stop. It makes closure difficult because you’re still struggling for validation. I have no answers I’m afraid - same thing happened to me 8 years ago. I think you just come to terms with not coming to terms with it.

Thankfully the kids already see he's a cock... so I'm not sure really how long they will continue to visit him.

The children really act out with me - and I keep telling myself this is because they feel safe with me - that even though I become shouty mummy they know I've got their backs and it's all OK. They always sleep in my bed after being away with him.

I'm struggling terribly with not bad-mouthing him. When they come back and tell me some ludicrous claim he's made - it takes all my self-control not to snort & sneer! I don't always succeed.

And yes, I really want to fucking rage at him and confront him with all the stuff I now know... but because of his scheming and lies it'll probably just give him a real thrill to see me lose my rag. Instead I go with the one-word responses and contact book. It's been 4 years since we first split up and I seem to find out a new lie monthly... I don't think there were any affairs during our marriage - although given what I continue to find out - who knows!? On the plus side - through MN I've learned how to become much more picky about any man I might encounter and I won't tolerate such shite in the future. I have absolutely no interest in dating at all and I can't see that changing until the children have flown the nest.

Nice to have found this thread and at least feel less alone.

STBXH left in July following a midlife crisis and affair. So I'm still going through the emotional upheaval of that and trying to deal with the divorce.

Was in my way to bed last night, exhausted, and could smell that DD2 had wet the bed when I went in to check. She was sound asleep and for a moment I thought, "could I just leave it?"
I didn't. But it's the one thing after the other and always knowing it's just you to deal with it. Sigh.

MyGastIsFlabbered

Oh I understand. I could just weep when I don't get my cup of tea in peace before starting the day.

ittooshallpass A very common attitude

Today I had a bit if an issue at work, I'm told I have to go on a day out with a consultancy, 2 5hrs there and 2 5 hrs back at the mercy of the trains in winter. Plus 7hrs in sure going over architecture and design.

I said no I can't because I can't afford the ticket, can't afford the childcare and it's contact evening for the dcs so have to be home by 5 to supervise.

Except I'm a single dad, the amount of snark I got from my colleagues was rather annoying (four hours of cajoling). The hardest one to explain was the need for childcare, why I can't leave a 10 & 13 yo alone after school and how train delays can cause a serious problem. Also even though my X has serious addiction and mental health diagnosis, I'm not going to fuck around with contact. That took some explaining too.

The most unpleasant conversations come from the blokes who think they are hard done by over maintainence and contact orders. They do not seem to have any empathy or understanding and don't get it.

I know those conversations. I work in a school as a special needs classroom assistant and they were talking about how they may be having a residential this year. I asked if staff are expected to go and they looked puzzed and said of course. They then got really snotty when I said there is no way I can as I have no one to have my children overnight. Apparently of course I can find someone willing to have my three children overnight. Their dad isn't aloud overnight visits and my family all work full time. They then said well maybe you could just stay till 11 and come back the next day your 13 year old can look after the others can't she? I pointed out that she couldn't even pick them up from school but that made me difficult. These were other women some even had children of their own but had partners. They just don't seem to get how on my own I am.

Hedwig, you've reminded me of many comments I have got from colleagues and friends along the lines of;

you need to get out,

you need to get your system of childcare in place,

you need to get some self- care in place, your kids need some time with other people,
It takes a village to raise a child you know,
We're ALL having to be strategic here......

All of these comments are from people with partners and at least 2 living, fit grandparents. They really don't have a clue about life without such help. They may as well come out and tell me I'm doing it wrong.
One woman's idea of being "strategic with childcare" was making sure one granny minded her kids while she got her hair and nails done for going out, and the other granny actually minded the kids on said night out. Ground-breaking, right?

Yeh fine if you're surrounded by willing and able relatives! I'm one of you who has literally nobody. When filling in forms the other day I had to write a third emergency contact and I had to put ex's mother - whom I don't even speak to - who doesn't drive - but who lives a 40 minute drive away. My best friend lives 400 miles away.

Kudos to any of you holding down an out-of-the-home job with little support - I really don't know how you do it.

I think those who have big support networks just don't get it AT ALL! (much the same as those who don't have toxic parents will never understand those of us who are NC). The closest I've come to that sort of situation was bloody years ago pre-kids - work wanted to send me away for weeks at a time. But I had 2 dogs - which of course was going to cost me a fucking fortune in kennels etc. "Can't you just get X to...?" No. Because I don't have an X.