Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

DD1 is 13, but the amount of effort I've put in to safeguarding the dds and taking then to CAMHS etc, the social worker says that they will be coming off the register in march.

My fear is that there will no longer be any agencies involved in supporting the dds.

I'm very concerned that I'll be back to square 1 and that there is potential for the dds to get harmed again, either emotionally or physically. I guess it's a case of wait and see rather than catastrophising now.

Disney
Why is SS involved?

Is there any support for your DD at her school? Would it be worth having a meeting with the pastoral team?

because the dds were harmed emotionally and physically by my ex.

O4FS

They e both been dropped by EKSA and Nurture at school because they've done so well getting past "issues" dd2 especially is thriving now dd1 underwent a bit of bullying and self harmed as a consequence, but I managed to support her through it, so she not cutting anymore

Disney get your dd a new sim and make sure ex doesn't get the number. Keep the old sim for his communications and he will be talking to you without realising.

Playing by the rules doesn't work with lying cheating scumbags ime.

isthismylife thank you so much for your reply. It’s an incredible relief to know that other people have been in a similar position. I can’t explain how hard I find it to deal with court matters - well actually I know that my fear of what he’ll do is really behind it. Which of course is exactly the reason why I should face up to it. It’s just so hard to take it on with all the daily grind & battles I feel I’m facing.
Your words are a huge help.

I’m really sorry about your current difficulties & your poor dd. It does feel like it goes on, and on ...😰
I note your point about your exH not caring about the mental impact on the kids - that’s it, isn’t it? I feel like I worry incessantly while he is absolutely indifferent.

hedwig I’m so sorry it’s this tough and I hear you - I found Year 1 after he left was relatively ok. I had some peace and structure in my life and that was amazing. Year 2 was awful. It was like reality hit. I think it’s very very hard for anyone to understand - which is awful for you. My family are great but just didn’t get it and didn’t live close by so no practical help.
isthismylife has put it very well - there are ups and downs at every stage. You have done amazingly well to get out of an abusive relationship and cope this well 💐

crumpets yes - to everyone else it’s like, just do it & you’ll get some closure etc. But it’s like a whole other load to take on when you are already battered & exhausted.
I’m so resentful that (like you) my ex will do nothing proactively. He won’t get legal representation, I have, it’s costing a fortune and essentially he’ll benefit from that as I’m doing all the legwork.
That said, I am being foolish. He’s absolutely messing me around, financially and in other practical ways, and the only way to stop it to some extent is to go before the court and yet I’m dragging my heels. He’s happy out as it suits him perfectly.

disneyspendingmoney my ex-H is a dickhead in a million ways and is emotionally abusive but thankfully not physically.

By 13 neither of our DC were that keen on seeing him and more often than not it was just a few hours on a Saturday.

Does your DD1 want to see her Dad? Is she aware of his bad behaviour? Does she remember the physical abuse from him? By 13, whilst not slagging off her Dad, you can have some more robust conversations. What conversations have you had with her about him?

(Sorry, that sounds a bit like an interrogation & I don't mean it that way, I'm just wondering where she is on all of it.)

Disney is a dad

Not that makes any difference to me
But given views expressed on here re men, I thought worth pointing out

I’m not a single mum nor have I ever been, but I can absolutely imagine the words hard graft are completely relevant here, I personally don’t know how you do it!

Because we have to
And whilst it’s hard, it does have some wonderful upsides

Apologies disneyspendingmoney change all the words from him to her, Dad to Mum - but the same questions still apply about what your DD thinks.

Kikipost

which is true, but as they live with me 24/7 my focus is on what's good for my dds and it's tough getting any help or advice. Work allows flex, which is good and I suspect that I get more leeway because I'm a bloke and senior in the organisation.

The funniest thing is though is the way that the blokes who are non resident parents speak to me. Their first assumption is that I'm in there boat. Once particular chap was spouting about how he'd been "done over" in the courts for contact, limited to a few hours once a month. As I was going through the same process in the courts (which he was trying to give me advice about) with the support of child protection, he got quite upset when I said to him, "If that's the case, you must have been a right bastard to your ex.". He doesn't talk to me any more.

A lot of people don't ask after the dds anymore, like how they are doing at school or clubs, because it opens the door to a difficult conversation that they just don't want to think about or participate in.

I'm sorry if anyone feels like I've troden on their toes or intentionally mislead wasn't my intention, by not bigging up I'm a bloke. It does make me feel awkward saying it.

but this was a blanket on the floor and sausage rolls from Gregg's as I was to knackered to cook

DD loves these too! It's funny what they see as special.

MargoLovebutter

you do not need to apologise, please. It's an easy thing to do and yes DD is very aware she comes back from contact a bit mixed up but she talks it through with me and I'm very (probably too much) aware of toxic parenting.

It's a bit like the BBC's house of cards, most of the time I find myself saying " That's what she's said, but I can't really comment" and leave it at that, unless it's something really grotesque, then I help dd1 work through it gently.

Thanks disney. Just reminded me never to make assumptions!

I used to do all that reflecting back stuff when my DC were little and not be drawn in. I can't remember exactly at what stage I stopped doing it but I did and I started asking them what they thought & explored if they thought what was he said & how he behaved was good / nice / valuable / positive etc.

Resisted the massive temptation to slag him off, but did get much more robust about encouraging the DC to challenge what they'd heard. Not necessarily directly, although DD will call ex-H on some stuff with him, but definitely in their own heads, so they didn't ever think that it was right, or that passively I did either - IYSWIM.

Anyhow, probably teaching Grandfathers to suck eggs and all that!

@MargoLovebutter and @BlancheM

There was a debate in my office about it, after a piece that was on the news, which is what led me to post.

Will avoid trying to be supportive in future.

Sigh. Yabbers, as I said I thought you meant well, but there is nothing supportive about being told you are the cause of all of society's ills. You have now confirmed that people in your office were clearly of that view. Great! Really great. That isn't something that is going to make anyone on a thread about single parents feel better.

That would be like me saying to you - "Hey Yabbers, I think you're great, even though everyone else on Mumsnet thinks you are the cause of all society's ills."

I just feel like I'm treading water and could drown

^^this.

Going back to ongoing support for your DD Disney, I think it might be a case of pushing loudly for it - but mental health care for young people is a chronically short resource in an expanding crisis. Could afford for your DD see a private counsellor once a fortnight/month formsome continuation?

One thing I have learnt with difficult exes are boundaries are everything. Could you get DD a phone just for contact with her DM (that you could view)?

DD would understand that all contact needs to be via you wouldn’t she?

On my knees tired today. Busy weekend ahead with a lot of driving to activities too.

I need to sleep! 😴

O4FS
DD1 now is vehemently opposed to any more counselling and taking to people, frankly I get where she's coming from she's had about 2 years of it. Also my ex is a chronic alcoholic and has a bipolar disorder, so boundaries get walked over all the time and while the dds are very good at regulating messages themselves (they both block from 7:30 every evening). It's not their place to do that and when ex is in a mood to ignore boundaries there really is no stopping.