Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

@ZigZagZombie

I’m not denying the existence of DV FFS

We are discussing the cause

You think patriarchy
I think that is an excuse for the individual

Unfortunately lived experience means I have to teach my DDs to be wary of men, and my sons to be aware of how their presence impacts women.

I’m not talking about my XH and his abusiveness, but the man on the bus rubbing his erection, or the man in the street with his cock out, or the one who corned the 11 yo girl as she left school.

Just look at the response to the Gillette ad. There’s still a long way to go.

Male abuse is a woman’s problem. And how do we change that?

We’ve only just got rid of Page 3 FFS. If that’s not the epitome of male entitlement I don’t know what is.

The patriarchy harms both men and women, we live in a toxic culture in so many ways.

we live in a toxic culture in so many way

Fair enough.
Not the culture I experience, absolutely not.

The patriarchy harms both men and women, we live in a toxic culture in so many ways

Yes this.

It’s terrifying that we’re still seeing men (and women) respond as they did to the Gilette ad with the tiresome NAMALT.

Absolutely agree MissB.

If you haven’t experienced any form of harassment Kiki you are one of the ‘lucky’ ones. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t, from low level sexism to rape.

I have a 14 yo DD and I am terrified for her. She will attract the ‘Male gaze’ - if she isn’t already.

My 11 yo has very little to do with her DF. I dont know how she will form healthy attachments to men later in life, I worry so much for her.

And then there’s the porn culture which is distorting a generations notions of sex, both the act and men/women.

Fucking hell. This isn’t a good way to start a drab Thursday. Coffee anyone?

I worry about bringing up my DS particularly with no father around. It seems to me like the pressures for men to behave in a particular way and not to have emotional needs is very damaging, and young men are of course at much greater risk of violence and other forms of harm. But I can equally see the great challenges of bringing up a girl. Even the experience of being on maternity leave has made me see the examples of misogyny and being sidelined by being a SAHM.

And yes please to coffee!

Mine are young men now. We are open about talking relationships, sex, affection. I think I’m doing something right. They still hug me, even though they tower over me! I’m soon to be the shortest in the family. 😫

I’m very lucky in that DD has a good father in her life.

My dad is also an amazing role model. Throughout the 80s/90s when we were kids he was a proper “hands on” dad, did housework etc and encouraged my mother to carry on with her career.

I said on another thread weeks ago though that I don’t believe role models (male or female) need to be related, so there will always be a positive influence whether a teacher, coach etc.

Agree Jacques. Always pleased to see more men coming into teaching and infant and primary level.

Last week I asked exh to do dd2 (6) show and tell with her. It was due Monday. He ageeed to it last Thursday and had the kids over the weekend. Dd2 told this morning daddy hasn't done it and hadn't sent anything to school. The girls both said this morning 'it's you that does all the work mummy'. I am raging. The list of responsibilities exh can fill gets shorter all the time. It's fucking pathetic.

I have been sexually harassed in every single private sector job I've ever had. When I qualified as a social worker it all stopped dead - almost no male staff are there!!! That said I was harassed in the queue in boots last week.

@JacquesHammer the negative response to the Gillette ad was pathetic.

This thread makes me appreciate dd1 male teacher even more. He has brought out the best in her and really gets her. They have a shared love of reading and this has been lovely for dd1 instead of exh projecting his crap on her and ignoring what she likes. I haven't heard dd1 parrot 'I want to be an Astro physicist' this academic year yet.

Approaching 50 I no longer get harassed or attract the male gaze. But I notice it more than ever when it’s happening to someone else.

I will gladly call it out. I want my DCs to know it’s wrong and they don’t have to put up with it. I will
not put up with that shit.

I love being middle aged. There’s a freedom to it.

Queen - one of my DDs had a male teacher in year 3. She didn’t really get on with him. I had a very frank conversation with him about the home situation. He stepped up and took her under his wing. Made a huge difference to her that year.

@O4FS that's amazing. This teacher has really affected dd1 self esteem she bounds into school and she was so enthusiastic beginning of this term she got an award! End of year I must email the head about this I really appreciate him

Oh do Queen. I’m a governor at a primary school and receiving something positive from a parent has a huge impact.

Interesting to hear views of males and female oppression etc. I've been having therapy for just over a year now, as I have a history of awful relationships. I had a very dysfunctional abusive childhood and I actively seek arseholes (subconsciously I should add) because I expect to be treated badly - I have known nothing else. I am obviously working on ways to change all of that, but the issues are mine.

However, I also appreciate that if there weren't arseholes out there, then I couldn't attract them! I also know that arseholes aren't born, they are made.

Our beliefs and messages to our children count for so much and that's why I worry about my DC not having had positive male role models.

Anyhow, not sure what I'm saying here, other than the problems are multi-causal and not simple to fix!

@MargoLovebutter I know my problem is that I see the red flags and ignore them. I'm not actively looking for a relationship any more. I can't risk the dds being exposed to anymore male twattery they have enough to deal with around their father. Exp was great for a while but he dropped the act and because an arse just the same. Dd1 was very vocal when he left about it being great just being the 3 of us. I figure they only ha e one childhood - I'm not fucking up any more of it.

Queen I also have been essentially single (bar some relatively short-term relationships that the DC were unaware of) for the last 16 years because I didn't trust my judgement not to fuck up again and the impact that would have on the DC. As mine are nearly fully grown now, I've started to explore dating again and that triggered the therapy, as I knew that unless I changed something in my own head, I'd keep on repeating my mistakes.

Can I as how people deal with difficult ex's? Mine won't communicate with me, instead sends texts to dd1. The social worker has pointed out this isn't what should be done. Also making up plans that just cannot happen because of the court orders.

I'm at that point where, if I don't get told where and when contact is supposed to happen on contact day I'm not prepared to send the dds off. Mainly because there is a big safeguarding issue.

Plus there is the hardcore manipulation going on as well.

How do you handle it?

How old is DD1?

Given SS are involved already, the safeguarding issues need to take priority.