Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

However we aren’t divorced (in Ireland, must wait 4 years) & I’m dragging my heels much to my solicitor’s frustration as I can’t face it. But I know when I get my ass in gear, getting some finality will help. Maybe even financially as despite a full time job & getting some maintenance I don’t think it’s enough & the financial struggles are endless

Earrings this is exactly what happened to me. My divorce was only finalized last year, 3 years after the separation. Oh there were so many comments made and so much pressure from his side (had had multiple affairs and very emotionally abusive), and as silly as it seemed, this to me was something I had some control over. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was done being forced to do things. I wasn't ready to face it, pure and simple. I referred to the mental side of coping further upthread, not now was i 100% responsible for the dc (he cleared off to live overseas) plus all the other shit that happens in life as we all know that being new into a situation like that is not easy in itself, but you are also the support system 100% for the dc too. Its tough to hold it all together sometimes. So, my advice is, take your time. If you are not ready to sign and set the court date, then what does it matter if you hang on for a few more months, a year, whatever it takes for you to be ready to do it. The time will come, .....one day I just woke up and said fuck this, today this is getting sorted out. I cannot even say that the day I walked out of court no longer married was a huge thing. I just walked out, took a deep breath, got in the taxi and went home. And it was done, just like that. Think i had prepared myself so much in the run up, it was just a formality for me.

I am now also currently sitting in the middle of a huge emotional situation which twatface has created. Using the dc's as pawns, telling them things but making them swear to secrecy to not tell me, which has come to a head now and my teen dd is not coping with it. She did tell me, but only after months of keeping the most massive secret. This isnt how we are in this home. We are all open and we discuss everything with each other, as we have come through a lot of shit that he has caused. And now he is starting the games on the dc. So, we add this now into the list of things for me to sort out. As he doesnt give a flying fuck about the impact mentally of something like that. But, we will get there, as that is what we do. Deal with the current issue as best as can, and then move on. Some days I do just wonder to myself if i am the only person who has so much drama going on. Its endless. I swear some people think I make it up. I can assure them all that its all very real. Make us stronger people though.

Have a great day everyone. So very glad I am able to let off some steam here to those who do understand.

Hi all single parent of 3. I left my abusive ex nearly 2 years ago and have started to really struggle I don't miss him as he never did anything around the house other than upset the kids, make a mess and make me have sex with him every day even if I didn't want it which was why I never wanted it for the last 3 years of our relationship. He still thinks i want him back even after so long apart.

I think the happiness of getting out has worn off and now the reality of struggling on a very low paid job has hit me. Also all my children are upset and angry as he sees them very sporadically and never calls them. When he does see them he just buys them loads of things but never talks to them or asks how they are. So I get all the anger from that. I just feel like I'm treading water and could drown at any moment.

The thing that gets me from my family is they comment on how hard it must be but never offer to help. They also seem to think I just need a man so should be looking. I can't think of anything worse.

I'm sure things will get better it's just very hard going at the moment.

It will get better Hedwig. One thing that I have learned it that life has curves. Some times those curves are dipping low under that balance line, and then every now and then, something small happens which takes that curve back over the top of it. Its not going to stay under forever. I know that is not really helpful for you to hear today, now with things seem never ending. The anger is going to come and go as well, it is part of the process. Unfortunately that cycle has to run its course.

Very kitch I suppose, but every time something happens, i try to see the positive side of it. I found being negative was a problem and making things worse for me. It takes a lot some days to find some positive things, but I do. And then I relish in those things rather than focus on the other bits. Like i said, sounds like one of those motivational memes that I cant deal with at the best of times, but it has made a difference for me.

Hang in there. Let off some steam here. I did and I feel better for it.

A LP old timer here 15 years in! my kids are 15( almost 16) and 17 and its been the 3 of us all that time.
My god its been hard sometimes,the times I have felt split in a thousand directions,cried with tiredness.

But looking back the joy the pride I have in us and them is huge. I think being a lp has made me a better parent I had to get it right,they needed me.
I went back to uni,got a new career ,now quite senior DHT at a primary school.
My kids are thriving,they will both leave school next year and are full of plans and dreams.
So all of you who are on your knees with tiredness and stress who worry that they are enough. You got this,even when it all feels too much ,drop everything except the bare minimum. You'd be amazed what kids remember, my dd 17 was talking about our living room picnics , and how she loved them all sounds very Enid Blyton ,but this was a blanket on the floor and sausage rolls from Gregg's as I was to knackered to cook!
Be kind to yourselves ,find ways to give yourself a small break. Remember ,this day will not come again. Many you will not miss but a precious few you will.

Have not RTFT, but yeah, I hear ya!

It also makes me wonder how many mothers who are coupled are truly unhappy in their marriages/relationships.

After years of escalating DA, I realise patriarchy is to blame and have become a radical feminist, I'm not sure I'll ever trust a man again or want to be in a relationship.

Being a SM has also opened my eyes to how much stigma SM face. Apparently we are solely to blame for all of societies problems.

You'd be amazed what kids remember, my dd 17 was talking about our living room picnics , and how she loved them all sounds very Enid Blyton ,but this was a blanket on the floor and sausage rolls from Gregg's as I was to knackered to cook

This made me smile. My dd also comes out with the most random 'remember when' things. One of them was one Friday night and I was so tired that cooking or even thinking about food seemed the biggest challenge ever. So i said to the dc that they had free reign of the kitchen that night and we were allowed to make anything they wanted that was in the fridge or cupboards, but that they had to make something for me too. (i was just in the next room so did say I was there for any dilemmas if needed) Imagine my surprise when I got presented with a cocktail made up with goodness knows what, but it had an and abundance of ice and an umbrella in the glass, then on a tray all laid out beautifully was a plate filled with fish fingers and chips. With a flower from the garden. Love those kids.

isthismylifenow, Earrings - I also have this pressure from everyone to get on and divorce my ex. Ex left a year ago after an affair - he is the sort of person who never proactively will sort stuff though. Atm I’m guessing his g/f isn’t pushing it so it will be entirely down to me to push forward the whole divorce. I really just can’t face it ( i’d also have to sell our house and won’t really be able to get much where we currently live and near enough school for the DCs so sorting that is linked to divorce as well).

Part of me knows I need to get it done to move on ( to what?) and stop living in limbo but I just don’t have it in me atm.

After years of escalating DA, I realise patriarchy is to blame and have become a radical feminist, I'm not sure I'll ever trust a man again or want to be in a relationship.

Even though I am a single working mother, no family support, doing it all myself and no time or interest in having a relationship with a man at this time - there is no way I want to convey the idea to my children (one boy and one girl) that men are a group to be distrusted and that women are superior.

i realise the patriarchy are to blame. For what? The domestic abuse you suffered? That was the fault of your abusive ex.

Someone a few pages back advised I be careful about my HMRC email - no fear, it was genuine - and I assume to do with my tax return. Logged on to government gateway where it said I had 3 messages, clicked on them and it took me to a page with 0 messages displayed. Bellends.

"Happily" (fucking ha!) married couples, parents of my childrens' friends - look at me and another single mum with a glint of hidden pity and suspicion as though we're some sort of cross between Waynette Slobb and Karen Matthews... and I want to shout "yeh well! Before I was a sad-ass single mother I was a real person and spent 15 years as a [insert fancy job title]". Now I'm just the sad act with the permanently anxious expressions.

The guilt. Oh so much guilt. Your father's a dickhead - and it's on the tip of my tongue but I know I can't say it. Thankfully mine have already made a similar assessment.

I'm another one who CHOOSES to be single. I may consider dating once the children are away at university, but my criteria are now very strict and I'll not be compromising.

I worry about what I might be teaching them about relationships and longevity - however they're already proper little feminists so hopefully when they do venture out in to the world they'll treat their women properly!

Kikipost in no way do I remove blame from my abusive ex, and in no way do I feel women are superior. However, patriarchy is the root cause for male violence and male entitlement.

kiki Toxic masculinity.

Zigzag yes!

Big hugs to all the single parents. It is proper graft.

I know things will get better just when they are bad it's hard to see that. Just got up to find the dishwasher decided to die so that's more work to add to the never ending list. It's just exhausting.

Plus my middle son who is being assessed for asd just kicked off as he left his school jumper at school so "What am I going to do about it?" As he can't possibly go to school so I need to give him one now. Urgh things will get better.

However, patriarchy is the root cause for male violence and male entitlement.

Totally disagree.
Male violence is due to the individual. A combination of a morally deficient violent individual leveraging fact that men are physically bigger than women.
Nothing to do with male patriarchy.

My father, brother, boyfriends, ex husband - have never ever ever raised so much as a finger to me

Place-marking to read later as I need to get off the sofa and get ready for work, but I am exhausted.
Single mum to two DC who I also need to get out of bed and to school (fortunately close).
My main complaint right now is being tired, as you might have guessed!

Re: DIY - I feel relatively confident handling most jobs... but why do they always require expensive kit + tools. Even just putting up bloody shelves would require a spirit level and one of those thingummybobs that checks there's no wiring.

Kiki We will have to agree to disagree. The anecdotal evidence of one women's male family members is not enough to convince me otherwise. And abuse is not just physical.

kiki Your post is as logical as saying "I've never been raped, ergo rape doesn't happen". If you've got a spare hour - be warned you will fall down a rabbit hole (!) - nip over to the Feminist boards here and your eyes will be irreparably opened!

But the patriarchy excuses shitty Male behaviour ‘boys will be boys’.

I just feel it is excusing the individual
Presumably not your intention if you have suffered at the hands of an individual

If male violence was purely down to the individual then violence wouldn’t be a largely male phenomenon. There would be as many women beating up their children as there are men bearing up women and each other. It’s not a random distribution. 98pc of sexual violence is male. That’s not random.

So those are the facts. However NAMALT ! I don’t hate or fear men and I want my son to be the good sort. I am raising him accordingly.