Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

My experience may be different from some people's. I had been single (out of a serious relationship) for some years and actually planned to have a child on my own using assisted conception. The plan didn't come to fruition but then I fell pregnant with my DS during a short relationship. The relationship ended a long time before his birth and I went into it with open eyes in that I fully expected to do everything myself because his father didn't choose to have a child. That doesn't mean I haven't found his behaviour disappointing (he hasn't come through for his son; he pays no maintenance etc) but on a practical level I have my own home, a good job etc and I don't actually NEED a partner financially. I've always been very independent and I don't have that sense of loss that some people might who enjoyed family life with a partner before becoming a single parent - it's only ever been my son and I and we do fine. BUT it is such hard work (as I'm sure I don't need to explain to anyone). I needed a lot of family support during the pregnancy and a difficult birth; and my mum has really come through for me, she is my rock. She has been a great help when I've been very sick and needed some support, and she will help with childcare when I go back to work. I do feel that emotional load of making all the decisions on my own and worrying that I'm getting it all wrong but on the whole I don't have any regrets, I'm so happy to have my DS and I feel sad for his dad for not being in his life as he's the one who is missing out.

Miss That was brave of you, to choose to go it alone. I really resented being left with a young child , and actually said that I would never have had DC had I known he was going to fook off just 4 years later. Of course I would not be without them, but I never planned to do it on my own.

I fought for my house, as I owned my own home before I met XH, so I was used to having to do it all on my own and being independent, but of course it is different throwing a child into the mix as it takes away your freedom.

Yes, it is the non parent who misses out. I tried for years to ask XH to ring once a week, see them on a regular basis. In the end, for my own sanity, I finally realised "if he wanted to, he would" after many years of counselling!

You can't shield the DC from it forever either. I used to say that XH was busy or whatever but now DC is older, they can clearly see for themselves that he is responsible for his own decisions. They have repeatedly begged him directly themselves to call them and he won't. Nothing I can do about that, to make it happen or to hide it from DC now. Of course, when he did talk to them about it, it was all my fault anyway . oh how I laughed..............

Myhamster, I am sorry it has been so hard for you. I think that's what I mean- it's probably harder for those who expected to do it with a partner because at least I feel I made that choice myself. And I'm no spring chicken and really wanted a child more than I wanted to wait to find the right person.

The approach I have taken to my DS' father is exactly what you say, if he wants to make the effort then he will. He doesn't though but I think eventually his son will see through him without my help.

We are doing OK now, and others have had it harder I know, but I never actually craved a child in the way that some do, I was 36 when I had DC, had been working for 20 years and it was a massive culture shock and DC was quite difficult in the early years. Obviously I completely love them to pieces and we are making the best out of life now, but having been childfree til then, would not have chosen to be a SP at the age of 40. I guess nobody chooses it generally, so it was very brave of you to choose to do that. A lot of my friends are the same age as me, but their DC are older and they are less tied, plus have the other parent around to do stuff. I don't have the freedom that my friends have to just go off and and do stuff.

I joined the local darts team, but then poor DC didn't like me being away for a night every week so I dropped that as I felt guilty every time I went out. If XH had them EOW, then at least I could play EOW free of guilt! I do belong to a local choir and DC comes with me and sits in the corner reading while we sing .

Myhamster, I am glad you do have some time for yourself. I used to sing a lot before DS was born and really hope to join a choir once he is older!

I don't really know how to explain this bit of shittiness I encountered at work. I was in meeting and said I had to leave early to collect the dds. Dickhead says "get your wife to do it". bottom line dickheads can't help but be dickheads.

Dickhead says "get your wife to do it". bottom line dickheads can't help but be dickheads.

Single mum here. No support.
I’d chuckle at that!

Wonder if you work for my XH? He used to use ‘why have a dog and bark yourself?’. Usually in front of his/my friends.

@EarringsandLipstick your post totally resounds with me. I never imagined I'd end up a SP. Christmas has really affected me, I feel like I'm grieving for the loss of the family life we had. It was just the 3 of us on Christmas Day. My mum died shortly before my marriage broke up. In the split I lost my in-laws and I was so close to them. Our 'family' has changed beyond recognition. My kids are 12 and 15 and have their own busy social life. I don't know how to reinvent us.
All my dreams and future plans were 'our dreams and plans.' I know, people will say for me to get new dreams and plans. It's not that easy. Making it through one day at a time is enough right now.
I have no family and at times the sheer weight of responsibility is overwhelming. The worry of bills, the realisation that I'm absolutely utterly alone. I'm no one's responsibility. Having no one to fall back on. And having to make sure I make everything ok for the kids. When their dad is being difficult and making their lives hard - I keep going and going, constantly fighting fires and picking up the pieces. My DD has been self harming because of the dynamics of her relationship with her Dad. Inside I'm screaming and scared but outwardly I'm calm, loving and looking like I'm handling everything just fine.
I know I've come so far. I've escaped from a controlling and emotionally abusive ex. I bought him out of the family home. I am providing for the kids. Through YouTube I've learnt how to do so many maintenance things that were just a bit out of my skill set. But it's the jobs that I really can't do that too me over the edge - like fixing the oven!

We're all awesome. We're all a force to be reckoned with. We do it and we do it with everything we've got.

*tip me over the edge!!!

Evening everyone - hope it’s ok to just come and randomly share my day!

Feeling a bit rubbbish. Had my appraisal at work - all good. My boss is really lovely and has been so understanding since ex left, really fantastic at giving me flexibility. I used to be quite a high flier at work - have just competed a challenging project and he was trying to push me as to how I would progress this year, challenge myself and push for the next level . It was from a really good place but it just made me feel a bit sh*t because it felt like I was making excuses as to why I couldn’t, but I just can’t take on longer working hours atm and manage the DCs pick ups and drops off, or tbh deal with the additional scrutiny and stress that would come with it. I don’t know I felt like I was letting myself down, felt sad and really frustrated that I’d ended up here and at the same time a bit emotional that someone actually believed in me.

I’m really feeling the strain of keeping everything together at the moment - particularly putting on my ‘work face’.

Sorry that was a bit of a long and random moan...

Kikipost

But the dickhead works in HR where my circumstances and the reason why I'm a single dad is very well known. And the HR director and (most of) her team have been amazingly supportive. Beyond what I thought was possible.

Let's carry this on when the thread fills. We need a name!!!

I'm on study leave until Friday which means I'm working at home. Waved the kids off to school and it's me typing my essay and the dog sleeping at my feet. Can categorically say this wouldn't be possible with my exh or my exp. both resented my academic work and were very obstructive. Exh would have started a fight and exp would be lecturing me I'm neglecting the kids. Well they were dropped off to school with full tummies and sparkling shoes so he can fuck off :-)

@Happyinheels I totally get what you mean about not knowing how to reinvent yourself or the family unit. I really struggle with this. Sometimes I still feel a bit like I can’t accept this is my life. Part of it is trying to find who I am or even what I want. I remember when ex first left trying to think what to cook for myself - and realised I wasn’t even sure what I liked and what I’d grown to like as a compromise of living/eating with someone - if that makes sense. And it’s so hard to find the time/space/energy that I know it needs.

I also find it hard as my ex is still in my life because of the kids. If I hadn’t had kids I’d have sold up, moved on and not had to see him again. Learning to move on and still deal with him makes it harder.

@Ilovecrumpets and @Happyinheels I know what you mean I had all these ideas when I first god rid of exh like changing the bedding and buying things for the house then I really struggled to choose anything. That too years to wear off I still struggle in my new house. When I had to choose kitchen style and colours I was in the sales office hours!!

Hang on in there everyone. I've been a single parent for 15 years, I found out exh was cheating when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second dc and have been single ever since. We live in rented accommodation and I've been evicted 3 times due to the landlords wanting to sell up, so 3 times I've had the stress of finding somewhere that would take a single mum, 2 kids and the pets. It's been horrendous at times and exh never contributed a penny ever but we've got through it and I wouldn't change a-- thing except could we win the lottery so we could have our own home.--

Funny how small our desires become. The only thing that feels out of reach that I really want is a 4 bed house. Because then I could foster and either do it full time or part time and be at home for the kids more. I would love it and I think the dds would benefit in a million ways. I have a 2 bed now!!

I am wondering though what did everyone do before YouTube

"oh, I don't know how you do it". Followed by a simpering and yet smugly pittying look.

Because we have to.

Walking out isn't an option.
Crying in a corner isn't an option
Calling for help isn't an option for some people.

It's "get on with it". No other option, no choice, no say, no arguments. Get on with it because there is no other fucking option.

MissB83 your situation sounds really similar to mine, my dd is now nearly 13yo though! I'm also lucky in that my mum helps out a lot, she is really close to dd which is lovely.

I was talking to a colleague today about how there is still a stigma attached to being a single mum, she was surprised that i have felt a fair bit of judgment over the years! Even before dd was born some 'friends' thought I should have an abortion rather than have a child on my own I don't get it.

Girliefriend, that is really disappointing to have experienced that kind of prejudice in the present day. I haven't personally experienced that yet but I clearly see this negativity in the tabloid press or other places where single mums are portrayed negatively or with a lazy broad brush as if every single mum is the same. The only way all single parents are the same is in how bloody tough we have to be to do it!

Similarly my DS and my mum have an incredible relationship, she adores him, which makes it all worthwhile on a bad day!

Being a single mum is a whole lot easier than being a co-parent with a cocklodging weed smoking irresponsible fuckwit.

Becoming a single parent was one of the best decisions I have made in my life, for my benefit and for my children's.

Hi all, thanks for this thread I can relate to so much of what's been said.

My current struggle is feeling really excluded from friends. Many were really supportive when I became single parent, but 3 years on and the visits have dried up. I dont have much childcare support so cant go out much. I could if I had enough notice but my mates seem to assume i wont be able to, therefore no invites.

Made worse by Facebook of course, and seeing the latest fun that I've missed :(

I've tried inviting people to do stuff but past 3 attempts have been declined. I feel some really longstanding friendships drifting away cos I cant spend time with people.

I fell out a friend for years who told me I should abort dd2.