Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

When something good happens in my life and someone says "oh that's your dad looking out for you" - it makes me feel like he had to die so I get this good thing.

He will always be with you annoys me. My son is not with me .he's died I feel like screaming

This is exactly why I always get so awkward around people who are grieving, because I am so worried I will put my foot in it - there doesn't seem to be anything 'right' that you can say, but you can't just stand there in silence either. You want to be supportive and comforting but are aware that anything you say may inadvertently sound insensitive or like some kind of generic platitude - but what can you really say about something that is so final and unchangeable? Rock/hard place.

People mean well at the end of the day. Like everybody I've grieved for family members who have died and I think, unless somebody said something spectacularly awful, I can't get worked up about clumsy platitudes because I realise that they mean well and that is actually what really matters, even if they don't quite know what to say.

@Magicpaintbrush

I agree. I think people are being very harsh about people trying their best and meaning well.

When DF died I didn't like over the top expressions of shock or how awful it was. I felt obliged to point out that he was older than they might expect.
I did like it when people were happy to listen to my stories about him and what a great bloke he was. I wanted everyone to know.

The one that got me the most was "at least you had a dad" from my then best friend when my dad died suddenly when I was 19.

So, the lesson to take from this thread : Avoid the bereaved.

Anything you say, no matter how sincere or well-meant can, and in many cases will, cause offence. You will always be in the wrong. You can’t win.

What a sad state of affairs.

I wouldn't like to judge anything anyone said to me as l'm sure l haven't said all the right things to others. Please be merciful to people saying things if their heart is in the right place as tomorrow it could be you mumbling and stumbling to get the right words. At the end of the day ( bad choice of words) death is shit and nothing, absolutely nothing is going to make it ok.
The only thing that upset me was people l knew saying NOTHING . But maybe they were afraid of not saying the right thing. But l have to fight in my mind trying to forget who they were...those who didn't even acknowldge anything had happened.

My mum always says it’s good to say something nice about the person who died to their grieving loved ones. A happy memory or something and how loved they were. Something genuine. She told me this when a boy I schooled with, went into the army and was killed on his first tour. He was a nice lad in school, happy and kind to everyone. I’d remarked on this to my mum and she said it would be a real source of comfort for his parents if I wrote them a card with words to that effect. “I’m thinking of you, I’ll always remember him at school, his kindness etc”. I didn’t do it simply out of fear that it would upset them more. The fear of treading that fine line between saying the right thing and the wrong thing.

I kind of regret that now and it pops up in my mind every 11th of Nov. So perhaps it’s better to say an unintentionally rubbish thing than nothing all. At least they know you care then?

jsmith that’s not the lesson of this thread!

LOADS of posters have written really helpful things to say which lots of us have generally agreed are not offensive. Also nearly everyone has agreed it’s much WORSE to say nothing or avoid the bereaved!

“I’m so sorry to hear X has died.” Is super safe. Or even “I’m so sorry to hear about X”.

Stick to that if you’re worried about putting your foot in it .

Offer actual concrete help rather than “if there’s anything I can do”

Let them know you’re there for them, “even if you don’t want to talk, and just want to sit together for a bit”

Honestly read the constructive bits of the thread, there are lots

Spiderlight
When my friend died a couple of months ago, another friend who I mainly chat to over whatsapp sent a message a couple of times a day saying stuff like “just checking in”, or a funny cat video, random stuff so I knew she was thinking of me. At one point I replied to say something like I really appreciated what she was doing but didn’t have the words for a proper reply, and we agreed on using a flower from the emoticons that if sent meant “thinking of you” and/or “thanks that helps”.

We will use that forever I think when one of us is having a hard time. It works perfectly for us. We’re not big on expressive wordy messages but just that particular flower popping up on its own made me feel better, when words might be wrong.

It is so hard to get it “right”, and this thread shows how different it can be for people.

@Jsmith99 I agree with you to some extent.
People are well meaning and having read (not all, to be honest) this thread it's made me worry even more what to say the next time I find myself in a situation talking to recently bereaved. I lost my mother when I was a teenager and I was grateful for the support so matter what form it presented itself. I didn't read into the meaning of what people said- these are often phrases found in sympathy cards etc that on the spur of the moment people end up saying. Of course no one means to offend. But when your emotions are sky rocket high it's difficult to take some of them.

So what is the right thing to say? That you are sorry to hear their sad news and that if there is anything you can do, you're here for them? I don't know any more!

Blimey, well if anyone knows me and I am going through grief I would rather you say something, anything than worry about offending me. I've lost both parents (no, not in the supermarket) and I find it comforting to talk about however ham fisted.

My mum had cancer and I do take comforting in believing it was her time and she was too young and she was no longer in pain.

Then dad just gave up really. I don't think he's with mum, but it certainly helps to make sense of it all to think that's what he wanted.

Jsmith99, I agree, I am really bad with words when people are upset, and now I am wondering how many bereaved people I have upset.

I understand now why people say nothing.

When I lost my Dad recently I was so touched by people who said they were sorry, I had no idea these sort of comments would upset people.

Well the choice is either you cause hurt and offense by saying the wrong thing or cause the same hurt and offense by avoiding the bereaved.

Yes, you could avoid people, or you could say one of the things that everyone has agreed is fine.

When my dad died unexpectedly we all found it comforting when people told us things they remembered about him. My mum kept all the cards people sent and I think she reads them on the anniversary of his death.

The phrase she found hard was “It takes a year (or two years or five years)...” I think she heard it as ‘after this short period of time you’ll be over it,’ but of course it wasn’t meant that way. Bereaved people are easily upset! That’s inevitable.

I agree with others that it’s better to say something, even if it’s “I don’t know what to say.” My mum found it really hard when people crossed the street to avoid her.

or you could say one of the things that everyone has agreed is fine.

Not everyone finds the same things fine.

However, I would say that most people say things that they think will be comforting, they aren't saying them to be spiteful and perhaps people should remember that.

Perhaps this is the only way he could stop suffering.
He'll always stay with you. I knew what they meant, but I'd just had to walk away leaving him in a funeral home. It did not feel much like he would always be with me then.

You're so young. You'll move on, find someone else. It will be ok.

What helped was people still remembering later. I was driven back from the funeral by a neighbour of my late boyfriend. He checks on me, or sends me pictures or songs sometimes. Everyone else has forgotten now, it was only 2 months ago.

I've had quite few bereavements and have learned to listen to the intention rather than the words. Not everyone has a gift for words but most people mean well and try to be kind. I've also learned who I need around me at those times, and when I need space.

Well said @NewYearHell

These threads create a false dichotomy between lovely kind people who are bereaved, and ghastly insensitive people. In reality we're all just flawed humans doing our best, bereaved or not.

The agreed phrases 'I'm so sorry to hear he died', and 'I'm here for you' are the greif equivalent of 'no is a complete sentence'.

They may work for passing acquaintances you bump into in the street. But what about someone you share an office with eight hours a day? Or stand chatting to for ages in normal circumstances? Or whose brother you're married to?

Do you just say 'I'm so sorry to hear it' then stand silently as they cry? Or what?

The only correct thing is to completely avoid the subject, by avoiding the person if necessary.

Most of us aren't that callous though so we'll carry on talking in complete sentences, conducting conversations as we always have. And if our bereaved friends think we're not 100% correct in our words they'll understand because they too are normal people who don't always do everything to clinical standards.

I think sorry for your loss is fine, talking about the person is fine. I would always avoid 'better place' stuff, yes.

The fact is you are going to hurt, much of the time and badly, after bereavement. You can't avoid that and sometimes people talking will be the thing that triggers it.

I like people asking gently about relief because I do feel huge relief that dh's illness is no longer part of my life. It acknowledges what a tough time we all had even before he died.

The things that have hurt me worst have been so individual it's impossible to make a rule. Someone saying that the grave looked a bit empty (I find tending the grave hugely stressful and guilt inducing), someone insisting that the bank had acted illegally by transferring my husband's money to me (she'd lost lots of other relatives but not a husband and thought she was a death expert). But she wanted to help and we are still friends. Just focus on the person, say you are sorry and keep listening.

I’ve got one! My parents died before I was 37 - someone said to me (in her 60s with both parents still going strong)

“ bla bla circle of life, bla bla bla it comes to us all - it will be worse for me when my parents die because I’ve had them for longer than you”

When I've experienced grief my bugbear was "everything happens for a reason" "it's our destiny" etc.

No. Fuck off. I don't believe for a minute when my friends mum had a baby boy, held him in her arms and adored him, I don't believe it was his "destiny" to be killed 19 years later in his car. I don't believe there's a reason for my dad becoming an alcoholic and dying suddenly at the age of 52 in his living room. It's wildly unhelpful and hurtful and just woo bullshit TBH