Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

I had a lot of people telling me how my mother had helped them to feel massively better about themselves (she was a teacher) and how they felt she was a great positive presence in their lives. She was utterly the opposite to me and my sister, so such statements were like knives in the chest, again and again. Yet I didn't actually bear those people any ill-will, because they obviously meant well. I used the words "That's really kind of you to say, and we appreciate it" a lot. I don't think anyone ever noticed I wasn't exactly agreeing with them....

When I was feeling depressed about my grandad the dr just said 'well he was old so what did u expect' !!

It's not nice to hear how many people have had unpleasant experiences with other people when grieving. I wonder if in society we don't talk about it enough or know how to handle it.

My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 weeks ago. I live in central Europe so not really local but was able to fly back to mum quickly enough. Mine and DHs family were very good, all patient and happy to talk and listen.

Friends, not so much. Of my circle of school friends who I told a few days after he died (couldn't face it any sooner) 2 were brilliant - regular checking in and over Christmas as well, just to chat and be there. What got me was the completely meaningless "let me know if there is anything I can do". Because what can you do when you live miles away, not near my mum either and it honestly felt like something they had to write rather than were actually willing or able to do.

After the initial "sorry for your loss" messages back, I've heard nothing from the other 4. Group chat silent, one person sent a card and one person messaged me individually, I replied and she never replied back. Not ask how our Christmas was, how our journey back home was, nothing. So yeah, it hurts and has honestly made me feel like they don't care. Never even asked when the funeral was and friends for up to 20 years.

My future SIL cooked a huge casserole and dumplings and brought it round for mum, bro and I, it was delicious. She travelled 90 mins to deliver it, wonderful lady

Nearly a year on from my mum dying, people ask me "How's your dad doing?" but literally nobody asks me about me anymore - that stopped after about a month. I get why they ask after my dad and its lovely that they do but I'm still grieving, I still need to be asked after too 😪

*It was not a "fight/battle". She did not lose it. She was not a "warrior". It infers she did not try hard enough. There was only ever going to be one winner.

She was not "brave", there was no choice*
This^
I've got a degenerative illness, but hoping to be around for a while.
I'm getting worn down with the " you are so brave" " you have a lot of courage" " I would not be able to cope".
I'm fucked, I've no choice in the matter. Please don't tell me how much courage or how brave I am.

This makes me so sorry for anything well intended but ultimately awkward I’ve ever said to anyone after a death. When my Grandad died I was very bothered by religious type comments but we and he aren’t/weren’t religious, so I always try and avoid that kind of comment if someone isn’t seemingly religious.

It has really touched me that people have asked how I’m doing even months after my dad died. Most people seem to have forgotten, so the one or two who have checked in with me in a genuinely caring way have really helped me.

A friend sent a card just the other day, with news etc and general stuff but mainly to say she is thinking of me all the time and she knows it’s such a horrible time grieving. So thoughtful as I know that was why she sent the card at all.

Even good friends seem to forget. But I know most of them have never experienced this before so won’t get it.

Agree that “I’ve made you a lasagne to freeze and eat whenever you need a quick and easy meal” or “I’m going to the shops, what do you need?” Or “do you fancy a cosy night in on x date?” Rather than the general “let me know if there’s anything I can do” are infinitely more helpful.
I admit I did (and still do) struggle to get the everyday stuff done. Plenty of people have offered the “if there’s anything I can do” line, but really, it makes me feel too weird and awkward to go

you know you said two months ago let you know if there’s anything you can do? Well actually I’ve had a shit day, I’ve no food in and feel really down, what I really need is to ring my dad and I cant. Do you fancy cooking my tea?” I bet my friends wouldn’t even mind but I’d still feel too much of a CF to ask.

The best was my friend who said when my DSon died that it was shit. She was quite right. It was shit.

The worst was my uncle when my DB died. My DB was a fucking hero and wanted to donate his organs. As a result 3 people are alive and 1 can see again. My uncle said that there can’t have been very much left of him to bury. That was 4 years ago and I’d still cheerfully smack him.

I go for I’m so sorry to hear about (name of person). And if I have particular memories of that person I’ll make sure that I pass them on. That was the best bit of DB’s funeral when we learnt stuff about I’m from his friends we didn’t know.

'She could be a lot worse' - said about my disabled dd.
'One day you won't be able to shut her up' - also said about my disabled dd,who cannot speak & never will.
And the term, 'lost' &' passed away',when my DDad died I just wanted to shout 'He's dead,you can say it!!!'

Oh, I think I reacted quite differently to my mothers death. I didn't want head tilting sympathy or any suggestion I couldn't cope. I don't mind a few platitudes, though. My mother died of cancer and near the end I felt it was inevitable. I was sad about the whole thing but not shocked and I just accepted it. I still felt I had to move on and live. To be honest she wouldn't have wanted me to do anything else.

I agree generally I didn’t mind what people said as I know it’s awkward but there are two things that really upset me

One was “he’d want you to be strong/wouldn’t want you to be upset” - oh okay I’ll just switch it off then! Actually my dad was a very kind and sensitive man who never made me feel bad for having emotions!

The worst was about a month or two later, someone said something like “are you alright about your dad now?” - no I’m bloody not!!

The best were things like “he’s an amazing man, he helped me with XYZ” or people sharing memories, funny stories or telling me that he always talked about me. Also when someone made a load of individual portions of meals that could be frozen and just did it rather than saying “let me know if I can do anything” and someone else brought me a load of rubbish magazines and puzzle books.

The main thing though is the people that checked up months later once the initial part is over, that’s what means the most.

Until I read this thread I was really judgy of people who avoided the bereaved. I assume they avoid them because they are terrified of saying the wrong thing. It would appear they are right to be scared of that.

I don't think anyone need be terrified sitting no one has said they were offended by everything, lots of people like the sorry for your loss, some like myself don't. I feel that if we were all less shy about the subject of death it wouldn't be so hard to find words that may comfort.

It's the one guaranteed thing we all have in common yet rarely do you hear people talk about it. I'm not afraid to discuss death or my mums death. It's sadly a very big part of life and I wish more people could be open about it.

What is worse is when your grandma dies a few days before Christmas and your selfish narcissist dad doesn't even get in touch to say he's sorry about your grandma. He's really outdone himself this time. If it wasn't for the fact that I know my mum told him on the day, i would be convinced he didn't know 😟

I agree @QueenOfIce ,I think from what most have said ,empathy is what matters .

Just think before you speak ,people who are suffering because a loved one has died know that it's hard & that people find it difficult to know what to say ,we don't expect the perfect quote ,just a little understanding & acknowledgement that it's hard.

But ,as I and many others have said on here ,some of the comments have been just awful at an already difficult time .
On top of all that you've then got the the people who start judging over how you are handling the grief - that's another nightmare.

I don't mind the "sorry for your loss" or "sorry for your troubles" but the worst I heard was "So where is the corpse now?" DH stood in front of me otherwise I would have punched them .

I can’t think of much that was unhelpful when my dad died but one thing that was particularly nice included:

A workmate (who had not long joined the team) took me aside when I first came back to work and told me that his own dad had died years ago but he still missed him and still had moments of real grief, he said there is no time limit on how long it takes you to feel ok, don’t ever feel you should be “over it” by now because you’ll never be over it and that’s ok. It was when I was trying hard to hold all my shit together and his words helped me a lot.

I wonder if in society we don't talk about it enough or know how to handle it. This is it.

"sorry for your troubles" This is an Irish saying as well isn't it. I like it too.

I have had a friend die but haven’t lost anyone very close to me such a parent or child so I realise I am speaking from a place of ignorance.

I will just say this though. A friend of mine lost a child (SIDS) she said people would cross over the road rather than talk to her and risk upsetting her or say the wrong thing which in itself she found enormously distressing. I think these sort of threads, whilst I appreciate some people do say the most ridiculous and awful things, make people afraid to approach and talk to people who are grieving for fear of saying the wrong thing.

With a few exceptions I’m sure everyone was just trying to offer comfort, even in a terribly cack handed way.

My sympathies and heartfelt condolences to all you on here who are bereaved and grieving.

The worst was a very brisk card from an aunt saying 'You have your children and lots of other things to be happy about' - I fxxcking know that, thanks, but I am allowed to be sad for a bit. You know, as part of the normal human grieving process. You don't have to tell me to pull my socks up and get on with it. My family is very weird though.

"He wouldn't have wanted you to be so upset"

^^ This with bells on. Said to me about 1 month after my father had unexpectedly died, by a neighbour, when I was getting tearful when talking about him. I remember thinking 'wait until it's your bloody turn.'

When my Dad died I was so angry that I wasn't interested in anyone saying anything other than, "Sorry, that's shit" or equivalent. Anything religious or any of those silver lining fuckers could get bent.

I can’t recall the things most people said but someone did say (after losing my mum who I had cared for), ‘it’s your time now Maddie”, it made me realise that I needed to do stuff for me and I did.