Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

When mum was suffering with her cancer I remember my aunt, her SIL saying 'I'm sorry this has happened to you'. It seemed like the right thing to say. My aunt is in her 80s and sadly experienced in losing friends and family.

I really think people should be sensitive to the bereaved person's beliefs-
a friend of mine had an adult child die very suddenly and was told 'well you will see them again of course' (meaning in heaven)- she said this was the worst possible thing because her belief, and the reason she was suffering so much was exactly because she would NOT see them again
which was obvious from the funeral they had

Well, given most of these are just harmless platitudes trotted out by people who are TRYING to be supportive, What does help?

Only one or two posters have addressed it.

No wonder so many people avoid the bereaved...no wonder people don't know what to say...

So come on people, What DOES help? Because everybody knows that correct answer is "nothing".

To be honest, I took comfort in that people cared enough about me to say something and acknowledge my grief.

It was the ones who felt awkward and didn’t bother hurt me the most.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you
I'm so sorry your X died
I always remember when they... (possibly in a letter)
Here's a casserole- you can have it today or freeze it for later
I'm going shopping what do you want
I'm going to the park- let me take your kids too
I'm going to the park, would you like to come?

Everyone was pretty good when my Dad died. All I wanted people to say was that they were sorry he died and to let me talk about it and all my good friends and my work colleagues did this.

The only things I didn't like was when people referred to him 'passing away' rather than dying but I know that's a personal preference. I was also quite annoyed when the funeral director suggested publishing something to say he'd 'passed away peacefully ...' well, it didn't look that peaceful to me. I was so irritated she'd just assumed.

A friend's husband was killed in a road accident when she was in her thirties and their child was only 4. Someone said to her at his funeral, "Don't worry, you'll find someone else". She did but that's not exactly something to say at his funeral!

When Dsis died I wanted to hear people’s memories of her - good memories, funny stories etc. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. Dsis ran into on coming traffic after many years of terrible psychotic mental illness - I was 35 weeks pregnant with my 5th child at the time. I didn’t mind them saying she was in a better place as virtually her entire adult life had been spent in and out of hospital being sectioned despite her being exceptionally intelligent with and degree and postgrad law qualification - so she was in a better place - her life was miserable!

My friend, who lost her husband said it didn't actually matter what people said to her, they couldn't make her feel worse than she already did. She just wanted people to talk to her, and not to be worried about saying anything wrong.

There's nothing good that you can say, really.

I lost both my parents when I was 11/12. Even now; people can't say anything that helps.

They mean well, but it's complicated and difficult and I genuinely wish people could ignore it most of the time. I appreciate that won't be the norm!

A friend lost her dh suddenly and sent us all an email with dos and don'ts. It was helpful.

www.oprah.com/inspiration/celeste-headlee-the-mistake-i-made-with-my-grieving-friend

Possibly the worst I had / heard was my aunt who said to my 18 year old brother, when our dad had just died - ‘you’re the man of the house now and you must be strong’. Fucking cow, he was distraught!!

When mum died, the ‘good’ comments were people saying how sad they were to hear the news and mentioning something they would remember her for.

I feel bad saying this and would never say it irl but when people post on social media etc. about their elderly parents and ‘how well’ they’ve done to be 87 (or however old). It makes me so cross. It’s like my parents ‘failed’ to live so long. I mean, I’m happy for them and their aged mother but it isn’t a fucking achievement, it’s just how life is sometimes.

What are you supposed to say?
Sounds so individual, and that you risk upsetting someone by saying anything.

Death affects us all. Maybe we should realise that, and not be so sensitive to people inadvertently saying the ‘wrong thing’. Maybe the person offering condolences is hurting as well (from a previous bereavement).

FWIW, I was far more hurt by the friends who didn’t mention my Father’s early death (63) from cancer, than anyone that tried to say something kind about it.

After my baby son was stillborn, I was told " at least you have one at home" as if that was even a remote crumb of comfort. And the "well it wasn't like you'd got to know them, imagine if you'd brought them home and it happened". And the "well you're young, you can have more". I make a very deliberate effort to anyone experiencing a baby loss to send a nice card, and say "so very sorry for your loss". Because it's a fucking great big gaping hole to live with for the rest of your life that nothing will ever fill.

Why can't people just be honest and instead of the bereaved having to realise they might be x y z the person offering condolences is just honest.

'I have no idea how to comfort you but I'm here even if you want to sit in silence'

'I am no good with words and don't know what to say but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you'

It's easy to just be honest! No need to try and come up with something that will help. Nothing helps, it's a lonely place and when you need comfort the most it can't be found. (Ime) Just knowing that a person is there and willing to hear you is enough isn't it?

I'm sure there are lots of people who find comfort in others saying how sorry they are, how the person is better off that their suffering has ended etc etc, there's no script but I do think we need more open conversations so it isn't so awkward for people.

I think a big part of it is, actually, many people are not comfortable with the difficult emotions behind your grief and want it all to be ok when in reality the best thing is to allow you to rage, cry etc. Many people are not comfortable with other people's feelings.

I think as well we often offer what would comfort us, but as we are all so different, often that will be something that offers no comfort at all or is even upsetting to someone else. Grief is an absolute minefield.

Lost Mum last year and for me it was the head tilt, that fucking stupid head tilt before they said something stupid.

When I lost my mum someone said to me that it wouldn't be as bad for me as it would for my brother, because I lived 200 miles away from her whilst my brother lived in the same town as her. She said I wouldn't notice it so much. Wtf? Some people just didn't acknowledge it at all and that was awful.

Good things - people being honest and saying "it's shit, I don't know what to say but I'm here" and bringing me hugs/meals and making sure I had nappies etc for my wee one. Friends still checking I was ok weeks and months afterwards, and following my lead as to whether to talk about her and cry, laugh about happy memories, soothe me while I was curled up in a ball, or go out and get drunk and dance like a maniac.

My boss at the time said to me one day - you feel like shit and you don't feel like yourself, and I don't want to make you feel worse but you'll feel crap for about 1.5 to 2 years, and then it won't hurt quite so badly. So when you're feeling really down, remember that that feeling doesn't last forever.

I remember thinking omg if I feel like this for 2 years I won't be able to cope, but she was right - it's not like I went around like a zombie for the first year and a half, I coped, I functioned - but after about 18 months I did feel more like myself. Her honesty helped me feel "normal" at a very difficult time.

Love to you all

I haven't really experienced grief and always say "sorry for your loss" so will have to keep in mind not to use this anymore.

The one that annoys me on other people's behalf is when people say "chin up"

When I had a MMC I messaged my friend to ask her to cover my shift at work that weekend. She didn't know I was pregnant and first thing she asked was who's it was (same father to my then 4 year old and only partner I've had) and then told me it's a good thing as I'd never have coped with two as he was so shit. Tbf he was but that's not the point. As it stands I went on to have another baby with him and am doing a cracking job bringing both my children up alone if I do say so myself. ExMil also said something very insensitive after my MMC but I won't say it on here as it's not PC and could cause upset.

Another one here who hates passed/ passed away. I have confronted people on that one when said to me. And challenged it when people discussing a third party's bereavement. I loathe euphemisms.

When my Father died after suffering the indignities of increasing frailty and dementia at 98, a close family friend said they were both sorry and not sorry, and I understood perfectly what was meant. I think one would need to know people very well to say it, but I loved the honesty of it.

My godmother ended her life almost nine months ago. I struggle hugely with having lost her.

I've heard some really hurtful things, those (yes more than one person said this) that she simply didn't want to live anymore so I should be happy for her.

On church Facebook : finally with God like she wanted, and then a load of comments about how she was actually roasting in hell for having ended her life - despite having been very clear from her family they didn't want it on Facebook it was put there anyway along with a speech about how we should all realise depression kills just as much as physical disease does, which sounds helpful unless of course you know she was bullied by people in the church over her lack of attendence for the weeks before her death, and yes they still do that.

When I reached out for support (we were really close) I was told to think about the suffering all her actual family and friends were going through instead and then I'd feel much better.

Finally, last month a mental health professional told me that I was putting people's lives at risk every time I bothered them with my minor problems, and, I should know that someone died because they were helping me instead - i was already aware on the day she died the duty worker was with me instead of her. I already felt guilty before that. Now someone has said it out loud it's devastating and, though people say I shouldn't think like that I cannot stop thinking it because it's now become real to me and I know I'm not the only one thinking it.

Things that helped : the people who asked what they could do and if asked, did it. The person who asked to meet up and when I tried to cancel because I've nothing to say said I didn't need to say anything at all and literally we met up, drank tea and sat in silence - I needed to get out but not to talk and she realised that. The person who found me in tears in the village after seeing her car (she left it to a family member and I've had to get used to seeing it and not her) and after I mumbled about it just sat with me talking about God knows what and has since seen me around and nods at me - no idea even who they are, but I'm grateful for them.

I think also grief varies not only from person to person but also in terms of who died and in some cases how they died - something I've only learnt in the last year.

Yes it's a minefield of how to support someone. I think if anyone was to ask me what would help specifically I wouldn't know what to say, but just being there helps a lot.

My friends husband had motor neurone disease and dropped dead of a heart attack when she was making him his afternoon tea two years after diagnosis. Many people didn't understand why she wasn't more devastated - he was in his late 90s and they'd had over 70 years together, when I spoke to her and said I was sorry to hear he had died she looked me in the eye and said "really?" And I said I was sorry he had gone but not that he was spared what had been predicted for him and then she asked me to tell everyone else that as she was sick and tired of people not understanding it was actually the best outcome for him and her. He got what he wanted - to die suddenly at home. Though he'd been ill and struggled for those two years they'd both been becoming increasingly frightened of him declining really slowly, losing life bit by bit.

For what it's worth I got labelled an uncaring bitch who didn't know the first thing about love and marriage and all kinds of other crap from pretty much everyone, very few got it. However, she's remained a good friend and said she'll never forget the kindness I showed her after he died.

To be honest seeing as some people said not only nothing supportive but I had family members who were Vile, anyone would said anything remotely kind was amazing in my book.
I have been closely bereaved a few times when young and I still feel awkward myself trying to offer comfort to other people.
I can't judge people on it really. It's an minefield and we all want different things.

A sweet card perhaps with some nice memories of the person and day your thinking of them... Let's give each other a break on all this!!