Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

Also I AM a Christian and the "better place" pisses me off. We don't know where the hell they are let's not pretend we do

Can I just say ,especially to those who haven't read the full thread that many of us have said what we found comforting.
We've also said we appreciate the sentiment of those who are clearly trying to show empathy & compassion.

It's the very insensitive & sometimes downright rude comments that cause upset.

Those of you saying you will now avoid the bereaved,I hope you never find yourselves in the soul destroying circumstances of losing a child as some of us have or someone else you love so much . Learn from what's been said here & have some empathy!

I think it might be worth remembering that sometimes people are just clumsily trying to do their best. We're not perfect, none of us; we're not professional orators reciting a pre-written eulogy; we're just human beings trying to reach out to other human beings in order to show sympathy, empathy, compassion, love.

And so what if it's not perfect? Should everyone just stop trying in case we accidentally say one of the "forbidden responses"?

The husband of a colleague of mine died, and I knew how strong they were as a couple and how much they loved each other. I didn't know what the "right" thing to say to her was. But I reached out anyway because I figured that it was better to do that than ignore it. Clearly not, judging by this thread.

My Dad died on Boxing Day. The condolence cards I liked the most were stories about how my Dad had touched their lives and their special memories of him. My Dad was a fun loving chap so there were many amusing tales which showed he was loved.

I'm now wondering if some of these posts are from that PBP ,the disgusting individual who posted on AIBU this morning .

I just had a thread about this after a friend's insensitive comments about the passing my close relative. Upon hearing the news of the death, my friend texted to say "I understand because I've had a bad day too [after she had a normal stressful day at work]." Followed a week later with "hope you're feeling better!" As if I had been sick and not in the depths of sadness.

I also hate when people say "at least she isn't in pain anymore." Relative fought dying and kept begging doctors not to let her die--she would have rather been in pain instead of dead.

@marmiteloversunite, I second what you said. I love hearing stories about family members who died and how they impacted friends and family. My father died when I was very young, and I have very few memories of him, and so I love to hear stories about what he was likehis favourite foods or musicjust basic things that I have missed out on knowing.

I hope people won't avoid those bereaved but think about their sentiment before speaking. Remembering that the person they are speaking to is quite possibly not in a place where certain sentiments will be well received. I didn't need long diatribes of how my mum was now better off, or always with me etc etc I was in pain I wanted her with me!

I don't think people should be afraid of talking about death or talking about those they love who are no longer with them. Being so uncomfortable about this topic can make for very awkward or insensitive comments.

There's no need to be offended that one person on here says they didn't find 'I'm sorry for your loss' helpful. All of us are different and I think everyone that has commented would agree that the intention behind the comments are what matters.

@QueenOfIce, well said!

The most helpful things have been those who were guided by me. Even complete strangers who have sat with me on a park bench in tears and just chatted about random stuff. The person who encouraged me to go out with them for half an hour for a chat and when I got there I was in such a state (I don't mean crying I mean horrible panic attack) I couldn't speak at all and they just sat with me.

Those who said they'd help just let them know and then did.

Those who gave me their number saying I could phone anytime and when I did either let me talk or if it was answerphone text back asking if I wanted to talk now or to leave it.

I appreciated:
It's shit
I'm going to bring you cake/a meal
Amusing/thoughtful memories shared with me
Understanding words from others who had been through same saying that it fundamentally changes you forever
Thinking of you messages
People coming round to give me a hug with no expectations of sociability

I did not appreciate:
At least you have x type comments/messages
Generic offers of help involving me thinking and requesting what I wanted
People who said nothing at all
Nearest and dearest who did none of the first list.

My opinion of people have been permanently altered depending on which camp they fell into.

I have two close friends who have recently been widowed. This thread is an eye opener. They are each reacting in very different ways and I have done my very best to support each one.
I wonder OP, if it could be moved to "Bereavement " to be a long term guide to helping those who are grieving?

"If you're getting rid of the settee can I have it?" Said to my mum by next door neighbour who was first on the scene that morning as my dad laid cold upstairs.

Telling a colleague at work in answer to being upset: " I lost my nan last week and my husband lost his this week" sniggered: "that was careless of you!"

I think I would have have welcomed some badly aimed comments that meant well rather than that. I still get angry now thinking about it, death brings out the worse in some people.

When my friends husband died she packed up all the letters and cards she recieved, doing the same thing at Christmas and, on his birthday, to read at a later date because she found it so overwhelming. He'd been ill for awhile and they'd become housebound with very few visitors (I wrote to them and now to her as they live some distance from me and I cannot visit) and when he died his obituary was published in many publications because of what he'd done and suddenly she was overwhealmed with people contacting her from all over the place.

That's not to say she's ungrateful, she's not but it was simply too much for her to handle. So she sent short Thankyou notes to people but hasn't read what they sent.

I wrote and have sent cards (mostly prayer cards of the thinking/praying of you sort) but always I've put don't worry about replying and I sent a couple of books too I knew she'd appreciate something to read over advent/Christmas. I know it can be hard to think what to say. For Christmas she sent me a lovely card thanking me for being her friend and being kind and not expecting anything from her.

I found out this week that others had sent cards asking how she was and expecting a reply, others had been turning up to take her out for tea/coffee and wanting to talk about him all the time, some they'd not seen for years.

"They're now reunited with so and so looking down on us" - No my dad is some bone dust in a plastic jar.

"He will always be with you" - see above

"At least he met your baby" yeah who will never know him.

That's just how it felt at the time in raw grief, I understand why people say this stuff and I've said the second myself!

I really hate the phrase "X has gained his/her angel wings".

But then I have no religious beliefs as such.

I found people knew what to say when my cat died last year (not one person said "but she was just a cat") and I even had a card saying 'for the sad loss of your pet'.
People were lovely as they knew how much she meant to me & I was even given 2 days off work.

But when actual people die it's much much harder to know what to say.

One of my friends lives far away & her young husband died recently. I texted her straight away when I heard but felt panicked when she phoned me back.
I sent her a condolence card & a Christmas card saying thinking of you, actually I've been thinking about her a lot lately but I'm unsure of what to do - do I send her a text out of the blue (we don't text regularly), do I send her a letter or what.
I can't travel to see her as my MH has been bad lately but she understands that.

A close colleague has lost her son recently & I've found that by listening to her talk & giving her hugs when she's upset it seems to help.

“She died so I could have my baby” said one of my best friends after my mum died. Needless to say she’s not a friend anymore! I wanted to beat the living shit out of her.

Tierra, could you call her and tell her that you think of her often and let her talk. She might want to talk about him she might just need someone to listen. Someone who listens and hears what you're saying is so valuable. I'm sure you'd be great at that.

I found the first Christmas and the first birthdays after each of marents had died and poignant as those were specific days when we would either be together or be in contact. The second round of Christmas and birthdays was easier, although poignant, possibly because I was coming to terms or getting used to my loss.

So I try to contact family and friends around their first Christmas and birthday after someone they love had died, just to share my interest in them, mention the person and if they want to talk about the person who died, I am happy to do so. Sending a card is a small everything Day thing to do.

What did cut me deep was walking into M&S as the Mother’s Day cards and goodies were first out. The crushing reality that I would never take my mum a big bunch of her favourite flowers with a beautiful card round to hers on the day really hit me. I left the shop in tears. I spent that Mother’s Day in bed.

I told her every time I spoke with her or saw her that I loved her, but there was just something about the girlsome ritual of Mother’s Day ...

..each of my parents...

Tierra - if you want to do something right now a gentle fully written* text to your friend to say that she is in your thoughts is kind.
If you feel that a text is too impersonal then a nice card - no naff messages inside or outside, maybe a landscape/floral theme - with your handwritten message that you are thinking of her would be very thoughtful and kind.

Cards are good as they can be kept out, easily read again and are a visual reminder that you care, without referring the sad event again. Sympathy type cards and letters tend to be put away

*meaning avoid txt abbr. 2 her etc, write fully e.g. Dear ...., .... love Tierra

Thanks for your advice x

I'm recently bereaved and I find this thread has a tone I don't like.
Most people, apart from the genuinely nasty or insensitive, are just trying to say the right thing. It's impossible to know what might be hurtful to someone recently bereaved. Apart from ridiculously insensitive things of course.
I feel no anger at what people said to me. I was touched that they tried to be comforting and only saw kindness on the whole.
If you are offended at 'sorry for your loss' it seems to me a bit harsh. It's a perfectly acceptable thing for someone to say to someone recently bereaved.

I watched this interview last night and this thread made me think about it.

Most people, apart from the genuinely nasty or insensitive, are just trying to say the right thing. It's impossible to know what might be hurtful to someone recently bereaved. Apart from ridiculously insensitive things of course.

Agreed. Fear of saying the wrong thing can lead to people saying nothing at all, which is the worst thing in my book.