Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

When my DS died:

Sorry for your loss.

Loss? I haven't lost him or left him in Asda! He isn't lost!

Time's a healer.

No it isn't. Nothing will ever heal me. Time only helps you learn to deal with your grief, it doesn't make it any better!

From other threads like these I seem to be in a minority but I hate people bringing up my late father at happy occasions. I know he would have loved to be here, but now you've blindsided me with sad thoughts when I just wanted to have a nice night.

There's a couple going through IVF right now who are waiting for your (loved one's) soul.

WTAF??? I never spoke to her again.

Loss? I haven't lost him or left him in Asda! He isn't lost!

Yes! "Lost" always makes it sound like Dad has wandered off in the supermarket again

After my father's death (suicide):

BAD:
he's with your mother now (died 4 years earlier)
anything about it being the natural order of things, parents die before children, comes to us all, time had come (admittedly people who said this didn't know how he died, but don't think it would have been great even if was suicide)
my mother's sister telling me how completely destroyed she was, and how much it helped to talk to me, and how she couldn't understand how I could be so calm....
one "friend" apparently completely forgetting, more than once.
coming and telling me just before Xmas (when I was trying to just party) what I difficult Xmas I was going to have

NOT GREAT: stuff about remembering good times, appreciating what you have still got....(kind of depended on context, my mood, how it was done)

GOOD: just acknowledging how absolutely awful it was; just letting me know they were there for me; still checking occasionally months later when on outside I looked fine; gently reminding me that I didn't have to be superwoman, that work and stuff could manage without me; following my lead: just listening without problem-solving if I wanted to talk, but also letting me do fun stuff and making me laugh if I didn't want to think about it right then.

So is it better to say nothing at all? I always say I am sorry to hear their bad news, because after we lost 3 parents in 3 months, many people said nothing at all, which i felt was awful. An acknowledgement should be made and I wasn't bothered by the actual words, just greatful that there was a little support.

I hate the term 'passed' when people say 'when did he pass?'

it's a 'happy release' not it is NOT happy!

time's a healer. How much time?

And no you don't 'get over it' (as if they never mattered in the first
place) you accept it at best but not 'get over it'

So many of these ,particularly, be strong ,she's in a better place & at least it wasn't Ds.
All were first said in the in the first few hours of DDs sudden death .

More recently it's still "be strong " but also
"Come on ,you have to try & get back to normal "
FUCK OFF !!! Life will never be normal again for Us or Ds ,we've not even got over the shock yet .

All I ever wanted was a bit of comfort & for people to understand how hard it is to try & get through the day ,especially in the early days.
I felt so pressured to "be brave" & spent a lot of time comforting others .

A few people have said "I'm sorry ,it's shit" ,that I can accept as it's true .

So sorry for everyone else who struggling & missing someone

Said to DH, days after he'd found his dad dead, "Why are you sad, he was old so you must have expected it"
Yes, he was old but he was still my husband's dad.

I dislike all the woolly words to describe death: lost, passed away, gone and especially they bravely fought but lost the battle.

Out of interest, what are some words of comfort?

I think it is better to say something. Just keep it simple. "I was really sorry to hear about your Dad. Let me know if there is anything I can do." Get a sense of whether they want to talk about it, and if not then move on. It's always going to feel difficult, but it's not about you and even if you are a bit awkward and I think generally people prefer that you try.

I also just remembered something important. If you know the person who died sufficiently well, then I found I really liked hearing good things about them. But doing that in a note/e-mail might be better than landing it on them unexpectedly in person.

One friend made a point of saying that she'd had no similar experience, and wasn't good at this, so would probably say all the wrong things. And that was much more honest and easier to deal with than somebody acting like they do know how you rfeel and what the best thing to say is.

I don't think you should try too hard with words of comfort. Because there aren't really any. A cup of tea, a blanket, a hug, "you're loved and care about" are comforting. Stuff that tries to make the situation look better are not.

"cared about" not "care about"

Not that I'll know, but I really rather would have people upset at my death if it's in the next 20-30y, to be quite honest (I'm 30). I'd want them to move on too, obviously, but the idea that people don't care is a bit near to the bone based on old insecurities.

I don't think there's anything right anyone can say though, and I'm terrible at knowing what to say, so I tend to just ignore.

(my very worst feelings of grief had me full on bargaining in my head for people I hated to die 'in exchange' for my loss

I know it's really difficult for people to find the right thing to say, but I was upset by the suggestion that I would have found some relief in my mum's death because of the health problems she had.

Actually, I do have to disagree about “sorry for your loss” being quite so awful as some of the corkers on here. People obviously aren’t saying it’s like losing a toy in the supermarket. They’re expressing sympathy for the terrible loss in your life. I found that one perfectly ok to deal with when my mum died.

Yes, I can’t really think of anything else that IS good to say tbh.

@Holland00 ,from the other thread it may be a personal thing but for me I really appreciated "I'm so sorry ,it's fucking shit"
and the hugs ,but I am a tactile person .

It's quotes that hurt ,even if someone says "I know there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain, but I'm so sorry " it acknowledges what's happened but doesn't offend if that makes sense?

Everything happens for a reason...

At least you weren't married!!!

It's a minefield knowing what to say because, let's face it, little really does comfort. I stood with my friend who lost his partner tragically young last month as the mourners filed out the crematorium. Everyone shook our hands and said how sorry they were but the comments that stood out were the lovely funny stories about the deceased. Even nicer was the laughs at the wake about some of his shenanigans. Just bringing the person who died back to the conversation seemed to help, rather than the focus on what had just happened, this gaping, hideous absence.

I hate passed away too. People ask me when my husband passed away I always say ‘he didn’t pass away he fucking died’ 🙁

@Whisky2014 for me the best thing to say was “I’m sorry” and to acknowledge how awful and unfair it was, to have questions asked about her - her name, how old she was, what she looked like etc.

Heaven's gained another Angel 🙄...when you know the person wasn't remotely religious

People are trying to help and it's really hard to find the right words. They are doing their best. If they didn't care they wouldn't bother saying anything at all. I've lost my mum young so I have my own experience of grief. People are inept at finding the right words yes because they is very little for them to say. Would you be similarly offended if they said "there is nothing I can say" or would that also annoy because they didn't know what to say. Someone wrote me a letter telling me all the things they liked about my mum and I thought that was lovely. People also sent cards and said some awkward things but I still thought it was kind of them to make the effort.

The trouble is, people are trying to be nice, but they aren't psychic. What might be an unwelcome and unhelpful expression to you, others might find comforting. I thought 'I'm sorry for your loss' was fairly uncontroversial, but apparently not. What should people say?

The things that stand out in my mind that brought me a little comfort are when I called a very good friend of my mums who hadn't seen her for a few years to tell her, she obviously expressed her sadness but then went on to tell me some cracking stories about mum in her 20's. There was a lot of laugher in that phone call.

A friend of mine who said that at a time when I needed the most comfort there would be nothing that could be said that would give it. Him acknowledging the obvious helped me.

My dh who's mum died when he was much younger told me that time wouldn't heal but it would help me find a place where my grief would reside more comfortably and that moments would come in waves. I believed him and it's how it's been for me.

I think to acknowledge someone's raw state helps, for some grief makes us feel vulnerable amongst so many other emotions. I felt like I was wearing my skin inside out I felt so very raw and my friends really held me in a place of support whilst I manoeuvred through all the shit that goes with death.

What would you like someone to say? How can those who have experienced a death help those who haven't and don't know what to say?