Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

shoppinglist can I just say since you’ve had a mmc I’m pretty sure that you have experienced grief, that is a hard thing to go through. I think the jury is out on saying sorry for your loss, I say it regularly on here and I have been happy to have it said to me.

When our daughter died in tragic circumstances we were devastated. Losing a child is one of the most, if not the most, painful experience that can befall one in life.

I had people coming up and saying 'I know how you feel... my grandmother died recently'. No you don't... there is a world of difference losing someone elderly than losing a child.

I was sent a card which said 'God wanted a flower for his garden so choose your beautiful child'....... I still feel the hurt at receiving it.

I even had someone telling me they knew how I felt as they'd lost their beloved dog two years ago!

One of the most sincere offers of condolence was from an old friend who simply said 'I can't imagine how you feel'. It meant so much to me.

I think it's almost impossible to say anything that offers comfort to a grieving person. That is the whole point- there IS no comfort.
I'm more interested to read anything that HAS been of comfort to someone, then I might know what to say in the circumstances. Despite losing both my parents and my husband ( before my early forties) I can't comfort others and am made anxious by threads like this which make me frightened to try.
Eventually, I comforted myself by thinking about my parents: I loved them. They loved me. There was nothing else that mattered.
But then if the relationship was complicated in life, this might be upsetting for some people.
There is no right way, and even in our grief, we should forgive others for their well intentioned attempts.

My Dad was 46 when he died he had me when he was 19. We were very close. It's heartbreaking.

I suppose a few people said after his heart surgery (he didn't have it he died before he could) they said who knows how weak and ill he would have been and then he might have died soon after anyway. I thought that was so unkind

The thing that comforts me is when people say 'I can your Mum in your children' (or her Grandchildren). It is most special when they pick out a particular trait - for example dd3 has Mum's feistiness or dd1 has her kindness or ds has her sociability or dd2 is so organised.

It makes me feel like Mum is immortal.

The worst thing someone said when I told them about Mum's death was 'My Mum died quickly just like yours and my Dad was dead within six months.' It just made me worry so much about Dad.

I found “only the good did young” particularly irritating when my best friend died age 21. Yes, she was a good person and she had been very unwell but why does that make it more acceptable that her life was cut so short?

juliet acknowledging there is no comfort I'd actually find helpful. The people who offered nothing but an ear or even literally just sitting with me spending time with me silent or crying and allowing me if I wanted to talk about her helps.

Maybe that's what helps - acknowledging there's no comfort, it really hurts and is shit but if they want an ear, not advice or anything like that just someone to talk to you're there can really help.

I think there is a tendency to medicalise feelings so we can then understand what others are going through, but one thing I've learnt is everyone grieves differently and everyone grieves differently for different people - I thought I knew about grief and how I personally grieved and coped but I've learnt thats wrong.

The loveliest thing my best friend wrote in a card was ‘until you can see the light again, I will sit with you in the dark ‘.

Still makes me fill up now.

Lots of things were said that I wanted to scream at but I had remind myself that even if the words were shit, the intention was good.

My aunt said a couple of absolute stinkers to my mum when my dad died. " oh you're a insert surname again" and "you've got your life back" thing is he WAS her life . 7 years later and I will never forget the hurt those words caused her.

The thing is, nothing anybody says is going to be right. No words are going to make it better. Nobody wants to upset anybody, they don't know what to say, or have never experienced the death of somebody close so they resort to cliches. They are not bad people, just floundering in the face of grief. I have lost most of my close family, yet I still don't know what to say to other people who experience a loss.

When my dd was murdered I found most people didn't know what to say to me, so they ignored me which was horrible to deal with.
I couldn't stand all the shit about heaven has gained a Angel. The worse thing for me was the so called friends who thought it was ok to give interviews to the press. I will never forgive that betrayal.

Gosh ParkheadParadise, that's horrendous.

She was a good age

It's a relief when he was so ill, better than lingering on

Holy shit, Becca, that mental health worker is in the wrong job. It was an unbelievably cruel thing to say to you and more to the point, not true. Please do not feel guilty in any way, shape or form over what happened and never stop accessing the support you need. You are entitled to do that

blanche others have said the same as you but I can't get it out of my head, it's there all the time, everytime I think of asking for help its there. I even begun seeing my godmother sometimes (and not as she was when she was alive).when I mentioned that to a mental health worker I was told it was "just guilt" and to move on and contact cruse, who said they couldn't help until my mental health as more stable.

I've been told it's just thoughts but when someone actually says it it becomes real somehow.

I don't know if that makes sense

I understand, becca. I'm not surprised you're dwelling on it when the very idea has been planted/validated by a professional you're supposed to trust and respect. I know that mental health teams are woeful due to cuts and there not being enough to go round but it's even worse to know that it's populated by ones like that telling people they should feel guilty when they're the most vulnerable.
I really hope you come to realise one day that you're completely blameless.

My Dsis' FiL, coming out of the crematorium after my DM,s funeral asked "So what killed her in the end?"

Yeah...
Don't say that.

(He is famously tactless but that comment topped them all! )

Better than people saying nothing at all because they feel uncomfortable. Like most things, it's a delicate issue and it isn't easy to say something heartfelt which sounds like a platitude. A friend I've known since high school and used to be really close to, sent me a short "sorry to hear your news" message the day after my mum died and then never mentioned it again, didn't ask how I was coping etc. Perhaps she didn't know what to say, some people aren't good with words. As you say, we all deal with it in different ways. My mum died nearly five years ago and I still struggle to think of her as being anything but ill, and I hate that. She was obviously much more than her cancer so I'm hoping that will come with time. Be kind to yourself.

Also, I agree it's not words but actions. My best friend is an embalmer and funeral director and we asked her to dress and make mum up. She was honoured to do it, although I still feel it was a huge ask. Also, another friend travelled up from down south to be at my side for the funeral. I didn't know she was doing this until she turned up with aforementioned bf. My mum worked in a school and had been retired less than 2 years before she died and the older children lined the church drive when the funeral cars travelled to church. We had forgotten to tell some family members and it was a real heart in mouth moment. All those lovely gestures will forever be held in my heart.

My mother died this week and frankly I don't actually think I could tell you what the many lovely people have said. I can say they have held me and say with me and let me cry whenever. They have told lovely and very funny stories which have made me laugh and cry more. I am so grateful for that.

I will tell you I wanted to actually hurt the happy man seated next to me for my 11 hour flight a few hours after the horrible news. He was busy and on his phone about work and deal making and I just wanted him to shut up. It was hard to hold it together. I did though, and he turned out to be quite nice and kind.

💐 to all who have been in this shit place.

I lost my mum last year and it has completely devastated me. She was my best friend, the best mum I could wish for and a really funny lovely person.

It was a 3 months after and someone asked me how my mum was, (in general as I hadn't seen that person for about 5 yrs but my mum was loved by all my mates ) so I got a bit upset and said she had died quite unexpectedly, her reply was " wow you're doing great, you just wouldn't guess by looking at you ". We were at a baby group and I felt like exploding and just screaming "well I actually want to hide in bed and never ever get up again, but I have a 5 month old baby that needs caring for, so don't have time to grieve" .. Not great thing to say to someone it made me think that I looked like a didn't care, but she doesn't realise I have to build myself up to be out for that hour and then sob when I get home.

One of my friends turned up at my door as soon as she found out that day, sat with me and explained that my life would never be the same, life is shit and you will never "get over it" you just learn how to live your life with the hurt, pain and massive hole. And that is so true. And it was the best thing anyone had said to me, being honest.

I cant believe it has nearly been a year, I still sob most nights and it physically hurts me to think my beautiful little boy will never know his amazing nana, he is seriously missing out.
I hate people saying "but he will know her as you will tell him about her" no it's not the same, it's nowhere near close, to him physically laughing with her, seeing her being fiercely protective off him, clapping at his first play and beaming with pride at every single thing he does -- it just destroys me.

@2018SoFarSoGreat 💐💐💐💐💐

I don't really remember what people said when my beloved stepdad died, but I do remember it hitting me in a wave, mid-sentence, a few weeks later when we were visiting some friends. I suddenly broke off and put my head in my hands, and my friend silently came and sat beside me and hugged me as I had a little cry. That was perfect.

I'm in a difficult situation at work at the moment, as a colleague suffered a terrible tragedy very recently when their adult child was killed instantly in an accident. I have the usual problem of not knowing what to say, so went with "I have no words but I'm so very sorry" - but in addition to that, this person is exceedingly difficult to get along with, and I couldn't do right for doing wrong even before they were grieving horribly. I want to acknowledge their child's untimely death and say that its fucking awful, and nothing will ever be the same again, but I'm terrified of getting it wrong because they'll just blow up at me. And I have to work with them quite closely, and there are difficult politics going on at work as well.

I have been able to talk to them about their child, and give them a hug. I texted them after I what I knew was going to be an awful day and just said I was thinking about them, and I knew it was a really rough time. But it all feels so precarious and fragile and I feel so awful for them and their family. Nothing seems enough, I'm not even nearby so can't offer practical help.

Reading these, I think in future I’ll just avoid the bereaved.

When my mum died, my cousin phoned to ‘talk over the good times’. She was a bit surprised to hear two hours on my mother as a narcissistic abuser. She was a patient listener but it might have been better not to speak to her as she spread it all around the family.