Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

...although having read some of these posts, some people can be downright cold and inappropriate.

I guess there isn't anything anyone can say that comforts you lot. Perhaps think about how difficult it is to find the right thing to say, because this doesn't exist, and just accept this person standing in front of you didn't want this awful thing to happen to you and feels helpless because they cannot say anything useful to you right now

I think this is unnecessarily harsh. Losing someone you love** deeply is incredibly hard and some people do make thoughtless comments which often are to do with their own feelings or beliefs.

'She was so proud of you'. Well she (dm) could have done with mentioning that during her life then.
Appallingly, the corner who recorded (right word?) my sister's death by murder wrote her sex wrong. What a shitty, careless mistake, my poor poor mum.

I guess there isn't anything anyone can say that comforts you lot. Perhaps think about how difficult it is to find the right thing to say, because this doesn't exist, and just accept this person standing in front of you didn't want this awful thing to happen to you and feels helpless because they cannot say anything useful to you right now

I was to busy dealing with the shock & trauma of finding my Dd on her bedroom floor to worry about how "difficult " people were finding it to say the right thing.
Empathy is a wonderful thing & makes a hell of a difference.

This post was edited by MNHQ

Bold fail on previous post

You might want to have a look at the definition of "offended". People are allowed to feel anger when they grieve and react to things. Is that offending you?

offended
[əˈfɛndɪd]

ADJECTIVE
resentful or annoyed, typically as a result of a perceived insult.
"he sounded rather offended"
synonyms:
upset · hurt · wounded · injured · insulted · aggrieved · affronted · [More]

Seems to fit.

Getting slightly irritated by the "so what are people supposed to say?" comments after previous posters have given plenty of suggestions!

Oh and also. After a suicide, being told that I mustn't blame myself.
Absolutely fine to say that if I had said things to suggest that I was blaming myself. But if you say it unprompted it actually feels more like you are expecting me to blame myself, which is quite close to saying actually I should blame myself. Don't do it.

OP I lost my mum quite unexpectedly a few months ago so I can relate. It’s awful. But I don’t think you can fault someone for saying “I’m sorry for your loss”. In fact it is about the most common, non-offensive thing to say to someone who is recently bereaved, especially if you didn’t know the deceased well enough to recount fond memories. English is a complex and nuanced language and like many English words the term “loss” has multiple meanings, but it almost always refers to either a recent death or reduction in money/financial assets. It is very rarely used to refer to a possession you are unable to locate. If someone told you they have misplaced their favorite necklace would you say “That’s a shame about your loss”? Of course not. “I’m sorry for your loss” is correct in terms of word choice and generally understood meaning. I would say it to you right now but since I happen to know it offends you I will just give you .

Remember that many people find it uncomfortable to talk about death and often don’t know what to say. But almost everyone is trying to say the right thing. Clearly different people find comfort in different ways. I find it helps to think of the spirit in which the words were intended rather than nitpicking about word choice or a random turn of phrase.

I don't think anyone said any stupid platitudes to me when mum died.

What didn't help was people - quite correctly - saying "look after yourself". I always crashed into tears immediately.

Still gets me, even writing it down! ffs self.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling” always gets me because a) fucking try and b) way to make me feel even more isolated

I know it comes from a good place but it just makes me feel shit every time I hear it

@QueenOfIce I couldn’t agree more. I did loose my DM. She died. I can’t go find her again

I found a lot of people didn’t know what to say to me initially and just said the usual ‘sorry and they are there if I need them.’ That’s what pissed me off the most. DM was in hospice with cancer and apart from MIL and DFriend no one actually helped me when she was still alive so I could visit her alone. DS was 18months at the time and DH works long shifts. I wanted to see my DM alone some times and when I asked all these people no one could help me. I even had one ex family member tell me she couldn’t as she was out for lunch and maybe another day.

I hate being told to stay strong and she’s in a better place. My head screams ‘fuck off’ but I bite my tongue and smile politely.

I think it all comes down to people thinking they are saying something comforting, not meaning to upset anyone but doing so anyway as they don’t know what to say for the best

On informing an acquaintance of my husband’s death (only a few weeks after it happened), her response was “Oh well, life goes on”. I was lost for words.

Oh god, I bet she cringed afterwards. At least I hope she did!

Didn’t loose my DM!

My mum died in November.

The only comment I hated was from a GP at my surgery, who expressed surprise and told me the operation that my mum died following was ‘usually very safe’ There was literally nothing I had to say in reply to that.

The 'good innings' thing really annoyed me.
My sister kept telling me 'it was Dad's time', no it bloody wasn't, he died due to an accident and if he hadn't have fallen, he would still be alive.
Thankfully, I have had no religious stuff thrown at me

"On informing an acquaintance of my husband’s death (only a few weeks after it happened), her response was “Oh well, life goes on”. I was lost for words."

that would have weirdly cheered me up, that sort of comments does make me laugh!

That reminded me. My sister received a very traditional looking card from a friend. On the outside it had the usual "with sympathy" stuff on it. On the inside was printed "Have a Lovely Day" !!!!!!

We did laugh. A lot. Think there must have been a mix-up in the greetings card factory.

The less said the better I guess. Without actually avoiding those who are grieving. I never know what to say to people so I just say I'm sorry and leave it at that. I listen when they talk to me about how they're feeling or tell me about the person who died. I don't know if I've ever offended anyone, if I have it wasn't intentional.

I can’t stand too much wooliness. When my mum died I couldn’t stand all the euphemisms, most of which have been posted on here.

I’m pragmatic, I know she’s dead, I don’t need people to hedge bets with passed away, battled on, and lost a fight.

She died, of cancer. It was shit, it is still shit, and seeing as it was less than a month ago will continue to be shot for the foreseeable future.

Things that help are people who acknowledge that there’s fuck all we can do about it, but that putting one foot in front of the other is a completely acceptable form of making progress on a daily basis.

Conversely, my dad can’t handle cold hard pragmatism, and much prefers the woolly euphemisms and platitudes.

Humans are a funny old species really.

So, for those it may help, I send compassion and support. Possibly tea too, I’ve drunk a lot of tea this last four weeks.

I've had three close family losses in four weeks, including my dad. The thing I'm finding hardest is people asking how I am. I have one friend who texts to ask daily - I know she's doing it with good intentions but some days I feel like texting back, 'How do you bloody think I am?' or 'Do you want the socially acceptable answer or the truth?' I know she just wants me to know she's there, but I wish she wouldn't do it in the form of a question every time :(

spiderlight I actually ask people if they want conventional or truthful when I’m asked that question. I am beyond caring if people don’t like it, I feel it’s a valid response.

People can't do right for doing wrong. I nursed mum through cancer last year, she died in the summer. I can't think of one person who offended me by asking after me, offering sympathy, saying sorry for my loss. I'm grieving, I'm having sleepless nights, I cry often. I couldn't give less of a shit what people say, I know they mean well and the sentiment behind it is good. If they'd ignored me I'd feel more isolated and a bit pissed off. Saying any old shit to me is better than nothing. It's an acknowledgement of the situation you're in and the sadness you're feeling.

I think the best I had was, 'I'm sorry to hear about your mum, I remember her she was lovely and had massive boobs' another was 'oh I know exactly how you feel, my cat died yesterday'

I find them amusing now but at the time I wasn't very happy and to those who say that the person grieving should try and remember that the person giving out words are trying their best, I couldn't. My grief was all consuming and thinking of others who weren't immediately affected wasn't top of my list.

I agree that many people stumble and find it difficult to find things to say and misspeak - and it can be really hard to be comforted at such a time that no words may work, but - for me - almost any acknowledgement is better comfort than none at all though I can see having people asking repeatedly would turn sour.

Personally, the only common ones that really strung were the ones I guess were trying to be positive but the whole 'it's better this way' sorts of comments. No, it would be better if they hadn't gotten ill and had never been in that pain, it's not 'better' to have a close loved one die. Especially at the funeral last month, people who knew we'd lost so many family members in the last few years (6 in just over 3 years) to the point we now no longer have any extended family that gives a fuck, having people tell my spouse it was 'better' that his mother had died as she did felt like a slap and 1000x worse to him.

The only ones that actually pissed me off were very bad attempts at being lighthearted that thankfully most people wouldn't do. One jackass kept making jokes before my MIL's funeral about us taking random things like we were having a moment next to the hearse and preparing to get in the family cars and he starts making jokes about my spouse taking one of the bloody bushes from out front. Even worse, I think he was taking the piss out of SIL (who'd kindly arranged jackass's dad's funeral after doing a lot of caring for him a couple years prior) for handing out her mother's jewellery to the granddaughters and nieces present with lighthearted comments to those nervous about receiving them that it all was going anyways.

Also, for those who've had multiple losses close together, saying anything to the tune of 'you're really good at preparing / planning / dealing with funerals' is a big foot-in-mouth comment and not something I imagine any would want to hear in relation to their own family and friends. I like to think those who say it kicked themselves and it just came out as they couldn't think of anything to say and it didn't really sting me beyond 'why would you say that or think I'd want to hear that right now?' sort of thing. Still better than nothing or telling me it's 'better this way', but it's one of those things that was really not comforting.

*marvellousnightforamooncup

People can't do right for doing wrong. I nursed mum through cancer last year, she died in the summer. I can't think of one person who offended me by asking after me, offering sympathy, saying sorry for my loss. I'm grieving, I'm having sleepless nights, I cry often. I couldn't give less of a shit what people say, I know they mean well and the sentiment behind it is good. If they'd ignored me I'd feel more isolated and a bit pissed off. Saying any old shit to me is better than nothing. It's an acknowledgement of the situation you're in and the sadness you're feeling.*
This is how I felt too when I lost my mum, dad, sister sister in law and others. The only thing I found offensive was people ignoring me because they didn't know what to say