Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

It is really difficult to know what to say.. I remember a friend telling me her friend found comfort in the fact that a midwife told her 'at least she could conceive'. Buckets of tears and heart aches later (none of my own), I know that it is an awful thing to say but at 27, I filed it away to use in the future.

I also remember a friend using the "hugged my children a little tighter" phrase and actually let the same words fall out of my mouth when she was in a similar situation... I kicked myself for years afterwards...

Sometimes the wrong words just come out... and for every time that anyone on this threat has been on the receiving end... I am sorry for every clumsy attempt to say 'I am sorry, this is shit and I am here.

After reading through this thread I have no idea what is acceptable to say to anyone grieving. I’m not the greatest with words anyway but at least they’re trying to be nice/comfort you? We are not all Shakespearean or poetic with words!

Out of interest, what are some words of comfort? The only word that seems to be acceptable is the word sorry by the looks of it. I have no problem with "sorry for your loss", I first heard it, many times while attending a funeral in Ireland. They know how to do funerals. Loss can me deprivation, so they're sorry you're been deprived of your loved one.

What ever people say, 99 times out of 100 they are only trying to help. Cut them some slack.

I'm really glad I started this thread, I know that some platitudes are meant to give comfort or because someone really doesn't know what to say. This thread has given me more perspective and the intentions behind some of the things said.

I know people mean well, I think for a while I couldn't see that!

I agree with a lot of what OP said and PPs (though 'I'm sorry for your loss' is very common here, Ireland, and I wouldn't find that upsetting)

It's true there are no magic words and we are all different - some people want to talk, others to be left in peace.

But for me, my dad having died a few months ago, what hits me is that I am in some strange new territory where nothing is real. I'm much more consumed about the trauma of his last few weeks (it was an awful time) than I am about him being gone - it still doesn't feel real at all, I can't absorb the fact that it is 'forever'.

What has helped? Anyone who is kind - who just asks about me, sends a card, lets me know they are thinking of me. Remembers that Christmas was hard, and his birthday which came straight after.

The people I work with have been lovely like that. My friends otherwise - have not. Some people I wouldn't expect it from, but close friends who haven't been in touch - it has hurt me so much. I didn't expect much but a quick text checking in would be great.

I really agree with not telling someone who has been bereaved what they should do or feel e.g. entirely helpfully people told me to have a photo of my dad at the dinner table on Christmas day. I would absolutely hate that & it wouldn't have helped. I just smile & nod when people say stuff like that as they mean well. I am very conscious when I talk to other people who are grieving to follow my own advice and not talk about my own experience, unless they'd like me to.

Somebody said on my thread the other day

"I'm sorry you have to miss her" (about my dd)

That made me properly cry, and I thought it was a really beautiful thing to say.

Definition of ‘loss’: .2 The feeling of grief after losing someone or something of value.

I understand that you’re angry at the world, and there’s nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better, but there’s nothing inappropriate about “i’m sorry for your loss”

Some of this is to do with the culture of being offended all the time. Everyone is offended all the time at everything it seems sometimes.

My grandad died a couple of weeks ago and though it's always well meant the 'are you ok?'s really pissed me off.

No. Of course I'm not fucking ok. You can see me crying. I might be later but right now I am sad and angry and of the other unpleasant emotions that come with grief. I am about as far from ok as it gets.

But of course you can't say that. You have to say 'yeah I'm ok'. No matter how untrue that is.

As I’ve grown older I have come to believe that personal experience lies behind a lot of the comments that you receive. Some have no experience and don’t know what to say. Some will have had bereavements of their own and will be drawing on those experiences (and might be feeling their own loss while they are offering their condolences). Nearly everyone will be trying to say the right thing at a very difficult time for you, in their own way.

The problem is what will be comforting to one person won't be to another.

Sorry for your loss

Want has helped. Genuinely want to know?

my best friend died and I really can't get upset or angry about people trying to be kind and comfort me

bereavement is awful and at least these people are trying

better than those who just leg it into the sunset and don't say anything

Some of this is to do with the culture of being offended all the time. Everyone is offended all the time at everything it seems sometimes.

You might want to have a look at the definition of "offended". People are allowed to feel anger when they grieve and react to things. Is that offending you?

At least people are trying. When my dad died I was 23 none of my friends knew what to say, they all kept away from me. I had to cope (very badly) alone. If someone is trying to be nice and kind just say it doesn’t feel like that, correct them but accept at least they are trying.
The religious stuff is the most annoying I 100%agree “the good die young” type stuff.
“You get what you can cope with” type thing is utter c@#*. My grandfather couldn’t cope with the death of his 19 year old daughter so he killed himself. And don’t pray for me I am currently screaming with anger at god. Actually slipped out to a deeply religious relative after dad died, she was very shocked by my anger.

Just say you are very sorry and listen, don’t be scared to talk about the dead, the funny things they did etc really help. Don’t avoid someone who is grieving it is a very lonely time. You could say do you want to talk about them then just listen.

Avoiding religious comments to people who have no faith should be basic but lots of people seem to forget that. Mum got very pissed off at it because Dad was strongly atheist. When FIL died I was aware of the opposite, MIL has a strong faith so I had to balance not lying to the kids about death but also not upsetting or offending her with what I said because her grief was greater than mine.

But the very worst thing to do (which poor Mum experienced a lot after Dad died) was avoiding the grieving because you don't know what to say. Mum said some people she considered good friends would cross the road to avoid talking to her after Dad died. Of course there were other people she just considered aquaintances who would cross the road to speak to her. As others have said one of the best thing you can do is write in a card or letter your favourite memories of the dead person. We received so many lovely cards about Dad when he died and it was so nice to reread what people wrote about him.

Some of the other things like the use of platiudes or euphemisms comes down to taste. I don't mind loss but hate 'passed away' etc. But I know some people find 'died' or 'death' too stark and distressing. So it's impossible to get right and best just to say something, it doesn't matter what.

This thread does demonstrate that we are all different. There is no one size fits all.

I wouldn't have a problem with "sorry for your loss" at all. I've said it before myself, and have had it said to me too.

I do think it is crass to say things like "you'll get over it" because you don't. My experience is that you learn to live with what has happened, and have to learn to accept a new sense of normal. I don't like "time is a great healer" either, because for many of us it just isn't. You simply get better at living with your grief.

It is so very hard to know what to say really. I think it is important to offer sympathy and to try to acknowledge the sense of loss that people are feeling, but knowing what to actually say is a minefield. I think it is just best to try and remember that even though they may be clueless and clumsy, most people really are trying to empathise and be helpful, even though they sometimes put their collective foot in it. The intentions are normally good.

A lot of us have said what has helped & I don't think anyone gets angry when the sentiment is there ,I know I don't .

As with most things in life though ,some people are insensitive,that's the difference in if people get upset or not .
Don't tell a grieving mother her child is in a better place .

I guess there isn't anything anyone can say that comforts you lot. Perhaps think about how difficult it is to find the right thing to say, because this doesn't exist, and just accept this person standing in front of you didn't want this awful thing to happen to you and feels helpless because they cannot say anything useful to you right now

I've just had a look at what ppl said when my Mum died if this is any help to anyone :

Thinking of you & your family / Our thoughts are with you
She will be missed
I'm sad for you
Lots of stuff about hugs
Lots of love from us to you / sending lots of love etc

I put up the Winnie the pooh quote about being in your heart forever but I know not everyone would like that

Never tell a mum off for bringing children 9 and 6 (in front of them) to their own dad's funeral.

He was our dad not yours. So fuck off!

I remember how helpful I was when my mother's mother died.
I said "It's no use crying over spilt milk"!
I was nine!

When Mum died, at 97, very very suddenly and peacefully in her sleep, I had lots of 'what a way to go!' 'she had such a good innings' 'it was her time' type comments and they were absolutely right for her - but would be totally wrong for other people.

Oh gosh everyone is so different and deal with everything in their own ways and grief is no different. For me, there was nothing that would help so anything unhelpful didn't even register. I think offers of practical help are more appreciated than talk of angels, angel wings, flying high ect

@deecrepid .

My aunt chose to shout at my mum in front of us kids having arrived at my dad's funeral aged 9 and my bro 6 'and if it was up to me THOSE children would not be allowed at the funeral EITHER!!'

Some people just should never be around kids. I have never forgotten it.

Then she was surprised at how 'well behaved' we had been on the day and 'quiet'. I don't know what she thought we were going to do play tag round the coffin??