Grief, things that people said that didn't comfort me.

[QueenOfIce]

I know that everyone is different, each person grieves in their own way and that it's normal for that person. I'm coming up to 2 years without my mum and this anniversary looming is far worse than the first.

Someone I know has recently been bereaved and I understand her sense of loss even though her grief is different to mine but when I saw comments people had written to her it made me think about the things people said to me via text or in person.

Perhaps people don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never found the following very helpful.

"Stay strong".. I had been strong, I nursed and sat by her bedside I was there when she died. What is there now to be strong for? it made me feel as though I shouldn't grieve.

"Remember all the good times". When I was first bereaved remembering anything but her last few days was hard. I was consumed by feelings of loss and sadness.

"She will always be with you" - I never found this comforting.

I know some will disagree however death isn't a topic openly discussed and of course people want to comfort but I do wonder if we talked more openly then platitudes would be less.

Is there anything you'd rather someone not say?

It's very difficult, isn't it, because often people (or maybe just me) express themselves a bit clumsily, because they are aware it's dreadful, and nothing can make it better, but you want to acknowledge the person's grief.

I have a personal hatred of "loss" when someone actually means "death" and so I always go for something like, "I'm so sorry to hear of the death of your x"

It's much easier when it's someone you've met, or at least heard about, as then you can write a letter and speak directly about them. When I know nothing about the person, I tend to stick to a card and the above statement.

I am a bit religious, so don't mind people mentioning God, but I wouldn't do it to anyone unless I knew their faith was important to them.

I find generally people are well-meaning but often inept with condolences.

I can't get too offended by some of the common platitudes mentioned on here - most people don't know what to say and are just trying to show sympathy.
When my DD died I did have one person who said "At least she's not a burden to you anymore!" She might have been disabled and required 24/7 care for all of her 22 years but I never considered her to be a "burden." She was my daughter ffs, I loved her more than words can say, and through her I met many lovely people (some parents of disabled children and others professionals working with those children) who I still call my friends now even though DD is no longer with us. I don't regret a minute of it and wish she was still here.

Tbh, I think all words of comfort are futile when someone is grieving and in pain. You can't make it better for them. If you haven't experienced the same, you can't offer advice or empathise entirely. It's a minefield for friends. Putting their foot in it is almost inevitable. Why get upset if they don't manage to say the exact right thing? That's misdirected anger, when really you're angry at your loss and pain. Don't listen to the words themselves. Just understand that your friend/colleague/whatever is trying to offer you comfort. That's the bit that matters.

What are people supposed to say, though? What one person finds comforting, another finds insensitive. Fear of upsetting people often leads someone to say nothing at all. I find an acknowledgement of grief, sincerely meant, far better than just ignoring it.

My mum died when I was a teenager, 20 years ago. None of my friends had dealt with anything similar. They tried their best. I too dislike euphemisms such as 'passed away', 'loss' and so on, (I say dead/died!) but didn't get angry with people using them. The worst thing someone said was actually my best friend, who about 6 months later asked, 'are you over it now?'. I felt like screaming 'no, of course I'm fucking not!' right in her face, but obviously didn't. She didn't mean to be insensitive, and she was concerned about how I was. (I actually just bluntly said 'no' and changed the subject).

To avoid pitfalls I just stick with a blanket 'I'm so sorry'. Though I'm sure to some people, that is offensive and isn't enough! I wish we were better at dealing with death in this country...

There's very little that didn't piss me off the first few weeks

But I still appreciated people trying and making the effort

I really didn't want to be asked questions. At all.

My dad died towards the end of last year and I haven't found anything that people have said "unhelpful". Provided it comes from a sense of caring and empathy it is welcome.

OP I’d annoy you then as I would always say sorry for your loss - very traditional way to pass on condolences. A loss is exactly how I feel it - a sense of loss isn’t the same as mislaying something. This does illustrate to me how hard it is to do or say the right thing!

I am of that generation where saying ‘I am sorry for your loss’ was the polite thoughtful thing to say. We also said died and dead rather than ‘passed’ and ‘departed’ which brings parcels and railway platforms to mind.

I remember when first out at work (fresh & innocent etc) so spending my daytime with people some 40-odd years older than me and from different backgrounds, asking an older fellow why he was wearing a black armband on his shirt sleeve.

'Loss' and 'lost' do not mean the same thing.

There is a definite sense of loss because he isn't here any more.

“It was just an aunt”

She wasn’t just an aunt, she was my second Mum and her death was the biggest shock I’ve ever had, and changed my life forever.

I no longer speak to the person who said that.

So what ARE people meant to say? I have seen so many posts on here when someone's best friend has not said the correct thing after the death of a close relative - clearly it is a minefield. Even saying you are sorry - the response is "it is not your fault". So, Parthenope, your advice to say sorry and skip the platitudes is not really possible ...

"it was her time to die" about my mum who died in her fifties.

When my mum died a work colleague said "God only throws at us what he thinks we can cope with?!" wtaf. I really wanted to thump her at the time. So if I had been less strong, less able to cope then she wouldn't have died. As if I had somehow brought this on myself. ( I didn't feel strong inside I was falling apart , it was very much a persona in front of people at the time}

It is difficult to know what to say and years later I can see in her own way ( she was very religious) that she thought this was an appropriate thing to say but personally I think keeping it simple is best. Just saying sorry to hear about your mum/dad etc and take your cue from the bereaved person. No sayings or quotes or pearls of wisdom , just short and sincere to let the person know you care and are acknowledging that their loved one has died.

I have to say I didn't mind 'I'm sorry for your loss' when my mum died, because she was lost to us; she was dead. It made sense to me as a statement. I can see why it wouldn't to everyone though. Mostly I was just grateful for people taking the time to ask and appearing to genuinely care how I was doing.

A lot of people told me to go easy on my sister because she'd just lost her mother exactly what situation did they think I was in?!

One nice interaction I remember: I said to my aunt "I'm sorry it's your sister (that's died)" and she said "I'm sorry it's your mum". The mutual appreciation that the other was having a shitty time felt positive.

On informing an acquaintance of my husband’s death (only a few weeks after it happened), her response was “Oh well, life goes on”. I was lost for words.

'Passed away', 'Passed on', '...sorry for their passing' - No. They haven't passed anywhere, they have died. Can't stand ridiculous euphemisms.

I am of that generation where saying ‘I am sorry for your loss’ was the polite thoughtful thing to say. We also said died and dead rather than ‘passed’ and ‘departed’ which brings parcels and railway platforms to mind.

I am too. I tend to say 'I'm so sorry' and I don't think saying I'm sorry for your loss is insensitive. It is a loss, a terrible loss when a loved one dies.

I agree with the poster who said, it's worse if someone doesn't acknowledge it at all. That really hurts.

Sorry for your loss, I completely get.
People trying to find comforting words, even awkward, don't really bother me, they mean well.

What puts me in an internal rage is when talking about my baby "born sleeping" or any other nonsense word. My baby is not sleeping, my baby is dead. Tip toeing around the fact doesn't help anyone.
And don't get me started on the rainbow babies

I am not too keen on the angels wings either.

To be clear, people say whatever they feel comfortable about their loved ones, I try to take my clue from them. It's just driving me nuts when it's about mine!

On informing an acquaintance of my husband’s death (only a few weeks after it happened), her response was “Oh well, life goes on”. I was lost for words.
that would have weirdly cheered me up, that sort of comments does make me laugh!

My 3 pet hates:

It's their "time"
Any reference to being with the angels
"It's what they would have wanted" (laughably presumptuous)

Op, sorry you are suffering

Good:
-sorry for your loss (obviously others disagree but this was good for me to hear as it acknowledged that I had suffered a great loss in my life - and anyway everyone back home says it)
-I'm sorry
-How are you?
-Can I do some shopping for you/cook you x, y, or z (better than a generic "let me know if there is anything I can do?" although that was appreciated too but I wouldn't have actually asked anything of anyone who wasn't close friend/family)
-He's in a better place (I am religious so this was a genuine comfort to me)

• (later on) would you like to go out for a drink/a walk/lunch/pop around to mine/can I pop around to yours and what shall I bring?

Not good:

• making it all about you and your former losses so that the breveaved person ends up comforting the visitors!

Absolute worst:
Crossing the street to avoid us (and pretending that you didn't notice that we noticed!). This happened twice! Bereavement certainly lets you know who your friends are!

I'm certainly not a fan of the term "passing" instead of died and it made me win e inwardly a bit. But ime people make all kinds of errors precisely because they are worried about saying the wrong thing! As this thread demonstrates, people find the same things comforting and upsetting. So as long as I sensed the intention behind the comment was genuinely good (and not prurient or pitying in a bad way) then I was fine with it.

People have different strengths and weaknesses when it comes to this sort of thing; some know just what to say, some blunder along putting their foot in it but make a mean casserole, some are really thoughtful about doing small things that would help (for example, I came back to find someone had anonymously planted up flower troughs that had been previously full of weeds and mowed the lawn). The trick is to try and let people play to their strengths ifyswim.

It's nice to hear someone just say 'I was sorry to hear your xxxxx died' or if if someone asks 'do you need anything?' that's kind and practical.

I know people want to be nice and it's a potential minefield but just a brief kind acknowledgement and comfort. No chapters and verse and definitely no telling you how you will or should feel or do.

And you do NOT tell someone that they really ought to be having a funeral because apart from anything they have bought an outfit specially, despite being told months before the death that the deceased left firm instructions for no funeral whatsoever.

I don't mind 'loss' either.

I usually say something along the lines of (because it's true) 'I know there are no words that can make this any easier but I am thinking of you'

Worst for me was anything about them being better off - I didn't want to hear that at all.

And don't get me started on the people who didn't know what to say so just ignored me completely.

When my grandmother died, I was 16 at the time, a neighbour of hers said to my mum: "It happens to us all. She'll (meaning me) will have to cope with losing you one day."

I went on to lose my dad three years later but luckily people were, on the whole, sensitive and comforting.

I can’t be too offended by the “usual phrases” like sorry for your loss etc.

I cannot stand the religious, the “they’ve gone on somewhere” type ones when they don’t know if you are religious or not, or anything to do with remembering the good times and celebrating their life etc.

A child I was very close (not mine) to died a few months ago. The easiest responses for me were the totally genuine ones - either when they said nothing and I could see they had that horrible fleeting thought of “what if it had been my child” and we shared a quiet moment, or when people just say “that’s fucking awful”, because it is. Worst was the number of people who ignored it altogether and avoided me for weeks afterwards.

I can forgive people for being clumsy in their response though. Death of a child really gets to people.

BAD - being told to snap out of it, that other people have it worse and that therefore I somehow didn't deserve to feel unhappy, or to think of my responsibilities to the rest of the family and get on with life. Fine if I hadn't left my room for a year; but it felt a bit insensitive less than a week after Mum died.

WEIRD - being told I wasn't grieving in the right way and was obviously deeply repressed. (Slight acquaintance of Mum's who keened through the funeral and all but threw herself on the coffin - then pronounced that clearly I wasn't very close to Mum as I wasn't doing the same. Clearly she had All The Feels )

BRILLIANT - "I was so sorry to hear your news. I have no idea what you need, and probably neither do you, but I brought cake and a novel. Tell me if you need anything else - wine, a change of scene, or whatever." I like "I'm sorry for your loss"; yes it's a cliche but it leaves things as open-ended as the person needs.

I hated hated hated being told I was somehow to blame for my miscarriages - "what do you think you did to cause it?" "it's no surprise, you shouldn't have got pregnant so soon after your Mum died.."

Conversely, people just showing they remembered I existed was nice.
Being able to laugh with my good friends over people waving white feathers at me was brilliant too. "One more angle in heaven.."