My wife is dying

[SanJunipero]

My beautiful, wonderful wife is only 33 and I'm sitting next to her bed in the hospice tonight watching her die. She's had cancer for a long time and I knew this was coming, but it's so very hard to watch.

Just checking in as you have been in my thoughts all day.

There's a hand for you to hold here, and an ear to listen if you need it.

I've also been thinking of the three of you all day, this is one of these awful times when words will never provide the blanket of comfort you need right now. Maybe someday though, you will be able to be comforted by and take strength from the heartfelt love and sadness pouring in for you, and your beloved wife and child. In the dark hours and days ahead, know that this community of people are all pulling together for you, to wish you strength and courage. I've been humbled by your love for your wife and wish I could carry some of your pain. There is a light burning in the West of Ireland for you all.

Have been checking back in hourly for updates, San

the sitting and waiting and praying for it not to happen and knowing it must, it will, is so so hard. I know Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night" about old men dying, but the truth is there, whatever the age. You've told her it is okay to go. She will, in her own good time.

I hope you have someone with you to support you. This dream/nightmare time will take its toll physically.

@SanJunipero still sending you, your DW and DS love and light.

Have been thinking of you, your DW & DS.
Hope you are all able to get some rest and more comfortable moments together xx

@sanjunipero I've kept you, your wife and your darling son in my thoughts since you first started this thread. I've said little prayers for you all.
How are you bearing up? You are doing such a wonderful job. I'm not sure if you saw my previous message to you but if you're in Kent I am happy to come and see you to offer support, even if it's just providing you with a decent meal and drinks, I am happy to do anything you might need doing.
Lots of love to you all xxx

Also still keeping a virtual vigil by your side through another dark night. I hope peace for you all, and for the suffering to end.

Thinking of you all, you aren't alone.

Thank you. She's still with us. Things are happening to her that she would have hated so much; I pray she's not aware of it. She opened her eyes a little while ago - just for a few seconds, but I think she did recognise me.

How are you managing, have you slept, ate, wanted to rage and destroy the world, all normal emotions now x

Hello again, SJ. I think this time of night, and deprived of sleep, is the hardest time, even under normal circumstances. I don't think they can assume that your DW can't hear, so you are completely right to keep talking to her, and holding her hand - perhaps even singing to her, playing music, squeezing her hand, and stroking her hair and skin. Please keep having a drink at least, (milky, sweet tea? milk? water?), and a little food and rest if at all possible. Your DW's agitation was normal at this time, and I'm glad they've managed to make her more comfortable. I understand that you want to protect others, but you need support too. Post here, at least, if you need to. I was honoured to read that you shared the verse with your DW. It's the absolute bottom line, isn't it, loving and being loved? Take care, SJ. You're all in my thoughts and prayers right now. I know I'll be thrown off mumsnet for saying this, but I'm sending you a very strong hug.

I've slept a bit tonight, and I ate some tea last night. I'm trying not to cry in front of my wife as I don't want her to think I'm not coping and that she can't leave me, but I lost it a bit yesterday afternoon. I lost my temper with a doctor, am which is so unlike me and I feel utterly mortified. He's a really kind man and says it's fine but that's yet another thing that's playing on my mind now.

I am sure she knows you are there. Sending you love and strength this night.

Doctors will have seen and heard it all lovey, they are not there to be emotional punchbags no but they will be more than aware of your stress levels and will cut you slack accordingly.

@BBInGinDrinking I sang Dancing Queen for her, just quietly in the darkness, earlier tonight. If nothing else, perhaps it will have made her smile because I'm a terrible singer.

Thank you for the hug; MN as a whole is being terribly un-Mumsnetty at the moment. My wife was actually a Mumsnetter too and sometimes I would read a kind post and then look at the username and realise it was her.

I'm living off sweet tea at the moment. Various people here at the hospice are bringing me food and I'm doing my best to eat something, but it sticks in my throat. I find it hard to imagine a time when I'll do normal things like cook and enjoy a meal again.

Sending love and prayers

Big hugs for you again from Australia, SJ. I wish I had a magic wand. I wish wishes worked. I really do. I wish I could take away some of your pain and give you some more strength. I wish I could give you more time with your beloved wife. I wish life was fair. Sending you whatever I can from here. X

SJ - I have loved and lost too young to cancer too, I am a parent, and have a friend who is a palliative care hospice consultant, and so I know a little of where you are now, (though it's not the same, of course). Please forgive yourself for getting a bit cross. You're in the middle of a storm of emotions and that storm can't always be a quiet one. I'm telling you that it's normal, you're normal, and the doctor knows that too. He'll know the difference between someone who behaves like that all the time, and you, and he's forgiven you, and understands - so please be a little easier on yourself. You might well have been completely justified in what you said, even if you didn't say it in the best way because of the emotions you're feeling. Don't waste your energy and emotions on that anymore, ok? The things you say are happening suggest to me that time is short. They are a tiny fragment in her life, and of your life together, and they will pass. Think about the whole, and where she is planning her journey to, and think of your son, who will carry you forward and continue to make you both proud. Tell her everything now you want her to know. She did recognise you, I'm sure, and she'll hear you. Cry if you need to. It's ok.

I am so sorry you are both going through this, sending you a hug and best wishes

Keep singing. Keep talking. Keep loving her. That won't stop once she's gone, it will just be different.

A new normal. Unbelievable as it sounds this journey you are both on is part of that. The hard part, but still part.

There are lots of us here with hands to hold, shoulders to cry on and good strong backs to lean on. You are not alone. 💐

Sending love to you, your wife and son 💐💕

Sending you so much love. My heart is breaking for you. You sound like an amazing lady. Holding you in my thoughts. Say all you want or need here. Its a safe place to vent howl cry or ask questions. We are all with you and sending love and support. Sendibg peace.

Night time is such a dark and lonely place. Thinking of you and sending love. I am in awe of your strength and courage and can't begin to imagine what you're going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers xx