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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
LIZS · 12/01/2019 17:23

What do you call "basic"? You could probably find free courses with creche via a Children's Centre to get your education updated and back into the workplace. Short term could you find work to do from home or around dc naps - even ironing. Is there before/after school care for your elder children so you could work half days ie. Cafe or Shop work with only baby to pay for. At 10 months you can manage without bf for that time. Getting out of your house could well be beneficial for your mh.

Believeitornot · 12/01/2019 17:23

As a family; you need to decide what is best for the family.

Not what is best for you.

Having to go back to work is scary and yes you’ll feel anxious about it. That’s normal.

You’ve got a lot of debt to clear. You could work - it’s just a case of how.

Treat it as a problem to be solved jointly with dh.

FaFoutis · 12/01/2019 17:23

I assumed it means jealous of SAH mothers in general.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
2019Dancerz · 12/01/2019 17:23

profligate ways odfod the money went on medical care, and acne skin stuff! The DH has been found to have been over spending while shopping, not the OP.
OP a sahm who doesn’t drive a 4x4 will always get a hard time on here, and having more than 2 dc is frowned upon.
(I am wohm and have 2 dc so no skin in the game)

ElvisParsley · 12/01/2019 17:24

I work a full time job which I returned to when my DS was 8 months old. I continued BF until he was nearly 18 months old. BF is an excuse, not a reason, not to work.

The bit here that I struggle to understand is that the debt is over 2 years old, yet OP and her DH decided to have a 4th child. A 3 child family is already over average and expensive enough, let alone having a 4th. I get that people's outgoings can unexpectedly change, but this is not the case here; this was an active decision to bring another mouth to feed into a tight budget.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 12/01/2019 17:25

What sort of work is on offer for the unskilled locally OP, and would DH find it acceptable to look after the DC while you work?

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:25

I went private as I panicked because I was in such severe pain. I honestly thought I might die and I needed to know what it was but was terrified the 6-12 months wait would be too long I actually could not move eat or drink some days

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 12/01/2019 17:26

Getting a 0% card would be good but chances of qualifying for one when you have missed payments on your credit record aren't great are they?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 12/01/2019 17:26

Jealousy? What is there to be jealous of? It sounds like an incredibly stressful situation.

Some people really enjoy going out to work!

hidinginthenightgarden · 12/01/2019 17:26

That amount of debt is manageable.
Work out how much you would be making after childcare and tell DH you will look for a part time job (maybe one evening and one weekday) but in the meantime, you would like to see if you can make substantial cuts by saving. If you have made the same as you would earn after childcare costs I think it is reasonable to continue but as the debt is yours then I don't think he is unreasonable to ask you to contribute.

WinterWife · 12/01/2019 17:27

YABU OP sorry, it's obvious by the previous comments that weekend work would be better for you and your family. Do you live near a city/town centre and able to apply for retail jobs? I used to work at Primark and their weekend work was 4 hours a day Saturday and Sunday so not huge earnings but will make a little dent in your debt every month and no need to cut out luxuries and major plus to still plenty time to spend with DH and the kids.
Best of luck in your search

FaFoutis · 12/01/2019 17:27

I BF and worked too, out at work in evenings and weekends. Electric breast pumps are good.
The bonus is that the more you leave the children with your husband the better he gets at looking after them.

babydreamer1 · 12/01/2019 17:27

Ffs, all this over 4K debt! Try and put it on a 0% card in the first instance. You have a 10 month old, tell DH you'll consider working when DC is 1 and then you can try and get something you can do from home, otherwise wait until you get your free nursery hours. OP has no qualifications, no experience, no references and is anxious, it's highly unlikely she will get anything more than min wage and this won't even cover childcare. She absolutely can not work evenings with a 10 month old baby, not all women can express and not all babies take bottles, also she wants to be with her baby and see her other children at the weekend like the rest of us. This isn't a debt you are adding to it's a set amount that you need to pay off. I think cutting your own luxuries is sensible OP, aim to save £100 per month minimum and get work around your free hours when DC is 2/3 depending on your entitlement to pay the remainder.

LanaorAna2 · 12/01/2019 17:27

Are you secretly terrified of getting a job? That would be understandable, don't beat yourself up. But not reasonable - the party's over, love, you've got to do a bit of earning at some stage. You'll enjoy it, although you don't believe us now.

DeadCertain · 12/01/2019 17:29

I do a second job working mainly 0400 - 0800; my colleagues are mostly women with children who need hours that enable them to get home and look after children / do school run etc whilst their partners get to work. Perhaps something like that would work for you? A few of my colleagues also openly state they have anxiety but it's a job with little public interaction and little interaction at work either - you just get on and do it. Perhaps something like that would suit?

Mrskeats · 12/01/2019 17:30

I don’t understand why people have 4 kids and then complain about money Confused

rededucator · 12/01/2019 17:30

OP if I think you were going to die the NHS probably would of had you wait 6-12 months. As a previous poster said referring to the expensive skincare, you seem like you think you deserve a princess lifestyle but had a pot washers purse.

Juells · 12/01/2019 17:31

HRTFT but I can't imagine working with four children, one still BF. :( Women are expected to be real martyrs. The OP will finish up still doing all the wife-work and child-minding on top of working. I'd go for budgeting. Must admit I wouldn't have had four children in the first place if money was tight, whose decision was that?

Kickykickykickkick · 12/01/2019 17:31

Unfortunately I think you should work. Even if it’s just 15 hours a week. Use that money to pay off the debt.

Can you really afford to not work ever again? It’s going to cause huge resentment between the two of you.

If you split then you’ll have no choice other than to get one

9ofpentangles · 12/01/2019 17:32

I went out to work when both of mine were a similar age and it was an evening job
I just dropped the evening feed. It's a bit of a ballache for a couple of weeks but, at 10 months, they need a lot less milk than they did as tiny babies. It is not crucial they have that one feed (as confirmed by my hv) Your dh could give baby some cereal instead. I'm pretty sure mine did though memory is hazy.

I actually think that a school hours job would be more stressful - all day with someone else's kids then straight home to your own, who will be tired, hungry and hyper (mine were) plus all the housework and things they want to do. Not to.mention childcare costs unless you are entitled to any benefits.

At least, this way, you will be able to pace yourself in the day and get time with the baby.

Why don't you try it? If you hate it, the decision isn't irreversible. I understand completely it's hard if you haven't worked for a while but I think it will boost your confidence

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:33

I was in absolute agony and terrified I couldn’t wait I lost 2.5 stone and couldnt eat it was awful. To me that was essential as I needed to get better
With the skincare yes it is expensive and now it has improved I can change but for about 5 years it was so bad and the prescription lotions didn’t work they burnt my skin but as I said that’s a cost that can be reduced now

OP posts:
adaline · 12/01/2019 17:33

OP, in the nicest way, you need to get a job. You're putting a huge amount of pressure on your husband here. You've got four children that you're both responsible for, and a debt that you admit is down to you, and you don't think you should go out to work and help pay it off? Why on earth not?

Saving £100 a month is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Like a PP said that means it'll take you about 4 years to pay off the debt. And what about any other debt you accrue in the meantime? What if the car breaks down or you need a new boiler or whatever?

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 17:34

I think if you've never really worked in your life, then you may struggle, why did you not resume working after your breakdown in you teens?

I think turning your family vegetarian to stop you needing to work is a bit extreme.

Was having four children planned between you both?

Frillyfarmer · 12/01/2019 17:34

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HavelockVetinari · 12/01/2019 17:35

Having a SAHP is only fine if the other parent is happy to bear all the financial responsibility in the family. Clearly your DH is finding it too hard, so you need to support him as he has supported you through your anxiety and 2 decades of not working.

I agree with PP that evening/weekend work is your best bet. At 10 months your baby doesn't need multiple feeds at night, you can wean him onto a routine. I went back full time when bf-obsessed DS was 9 months old, so I had to get him into a feeding schedule. It was tough at first but it worked, and I'm still bf and working FT now he's 18 months.

I know it's scary to go back to work after so long, but it's really unfair on your DH not to go for it.