Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

Sorry, I missed a page

I don't think YABU at all really.
Where are all these part time evening jobs? theres not loads going where I live. If you worked during the day then childcare would cancel that out unless your in a very highly paid profession.
I'd have a look by all means but I think you maybe would be better off with some homework or working a s a childminder/dog walker etc.
You could walk a dog unless its really strong or a puller and push a pram at the same time. What about leafletting or delivery etc on a night/ weekend? people do Deliveroo round here on pushbikes.

You need to look at the money saving expert website. Transfer your debt to a 0% credit card. Look at your tv packages, electric and gas bill companies and mobile phones.

I don’t agree that your DH should demand you get a job. However I do think you need to sit down together and have a sensible conversation about how you will manage the debt. Look at the price of local childcare, childminders vs nursery (and this shouldn’t be down to you to pay this, it should be shared). Can your DH get childcare vouchers through his job? Look at the jobs he’s suggesting and work out if it is actually affordable. Term time school hours job don’t come up often so he’s not being realistic. Has he actually looked himself as just saying to you ‘have you looked yet’ isn’t that helpful. Equally he may be feeling the pressure to provide and clear the debt himself.

However you need to compromise, and not just say well I don’t want to work and think it will be solved by not getting your haircut every 8 weeks (although I wonder why you are spending £40 every 8 weeks if you are in £4K of debt).

It sounds like you don’t manage money very well. Go to Aldi and shop. Their nappies and wipes are fab. Stop buying branded foods, that’s so unnecessary. Meal plan. Only buy what you need for the week with bread and milk top ups. Does your DH take lunch to work? I bet he could cut down what he spends. Does he go to the gym? Spend money on hobbies?

Budgeting is a start but you need to work out a plan together and both be reasonable about it. You need to meet in the middle somehow.

All the “get a job” posters might like to consider the cost of childcare for 4 kids, including a baby, because school hours term only jobs are like hens teeth, as a PP said.

So unless the OP will earn well in a ft oth job then there’s not a lot of point, the cost of childcare will cancel it out.

So the OP has to either work evenings or weekends really so the dh can look after the kids.

I do think that sounds like an option.

You're not managing to service this debt if it's going up, you've missed a couple of payments and you're only paying the minimum.

Of course you should work. The decision for you to be a SAHP should be a joint decision. Your DH obviously isn't happy being solely responsible for your families finances - and who can blame him?

You shouldn't view childcare costs as just your responsibility. They are joint. Financially, you might not see a huge difference immediately but getting back on the career ladder could result in a much more financially stable future for you both.

YABU. This is crazy. You haven't worked for 20 years, have anxiety, have had 4 children and have racked up debts for which you have missed even minimum payments. No wonder your dh is stressed. And you've spent 30 a month on skincare! Are you a princess?

You really need a change of attitude. Look for what you can do to earn money rather than what you can't do. Babysitting? Shelfstacking? Dog walking? Anything that would actually make it look like you weren't just expecting your dh to do it all.

Start making some good life choices.

How about get an evening job at least until the debt is paid off? With an evening job AND budgeting, you could pay off 4k really quickly.

If you knew you could give up work again as soon as the debt was paid off, it would be a real motivator for saving money. Knowing it wasn't forever might help with the anxiety too.

I suffer from anxiety too. Its shit. Sometimes I struggle to leave the house. I regularly have to cancel things (doctors etc.) because I'm struggling, but when you have kids (and I only have one) their needs have to come first.

Your husband is telling you he needs your help. Listen.

Thing is op, lots of us don’t want to work. I know it goes against mn rules to actually want to be a housewife, but many of us including myself would love it. I went back to work when dd was 9 months old. It broke my heart but needs must. I also wanted more than 2dc but we couldn’t afford it. You have had 20 years not working and 4dc. You have been very lucky. Just because you don’t want to work doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or can’t.

You do, I think, need to come up with a medium term plan to get back into work OP. Given what you've said about not being in work for the last 20 years, your DH is in cloud fucking cuckoo land to think you're likely to beat the competition for a school hours, term time only job. It's interesting too that he's come up with an option that isn't going to require him doing any solo childcare.

However, your baby will be 1 and therefore cheaper in childcare soon, and will be eligible for free hours in 2 years and 3 months. The point at which you're going to be able to make a positive difference to the family finances by working, even if it's not now, isn't too far away. Your DH has made it clear he's not happy to continue being the sole provider, and you can't make him, so you will need to look into work sooner or later. I think it would be wise to start planning for that.

I'd emphasise that such planning includes him understanding and accepting that you working will likely require some support and changes from him too. As the work you could get is probably going to require some evenings and/or weekends. He ought to be aware of this before deciding whether he'd rather sacrifice the extra pair of hands over discretionary spending.

And one card at £4K isn’t outrageous. Agree that putting it on 0% is a good idea then use any cost savings to make repayments

If you are now late 30s/early 40s and have hardly worked with no qualification, then getting improving your work prospects ought to be a priority for you regardless of your debt now that you are well enough to work.

Given your situation, budgeting sounds sensible but also getting on a career path is important. You (personally) are in a very vulnerable financial situation and it leaves your family in a less than robust financial situation.

I don't know that school hours or evenings/weekend work would be a sensible way to do that - that sounds like minimum wage work that doesn't have much progression to higher pay. Though simply having some recent work experience may be a good first step. You should probably start looking at what sort of work you would be good at long term and start on a path towards that.

You say it's your luxuries but he has been doing the food shop and presumably buying his preference

If I'm honest you are being quite selfish in how you view this

I work my backside off and am the main earner , Dp does work and earns a decent wage but his job has changed a lot and if I'm honest he has had the luxury of choosing because I work

Now that's fine by me provided our lifestyle isn't impacted and he knows this

Honestly the odd treat or decent food helps me through a bloody stressful job (and yes obviously giving the dc what they need etc)

I'd be seriously 're thinking the relationship if rather than get a job he wanted to take the nice food away etc etc

I get that you are anxious but your attitude is really not ok

It isn't unreasonable for you to work part-time and honestly you don't have the luxury of staying at home

Care work can offer huge flexibility and doesn't require qualifications but I am absolutely sure you will have a ready excuse why you can't possibly do it

Is he thinking about splitting up? His divorce settlement would perhaps be more in his favour if you were working? Anyway, with a breastfed baby working is not very practical right now. Even when they're a bit older it's hard enough finding part time between school hours, term time only, or childcare to plug the gaps which doesn't cost almost as much as you earn anyway. Put a baby in the mix as well and it's just really not practically worthwhile. I'd tell him to drop it until it's practical.

He doesn’t earn a huge amount, enough but we wouldnt be considered well off and that amount of debt hanging over us is not great as it’s only going up as we had been paying minimum amount and missed a couple of payments

Then you do need to work. Paying the minimum, missing payments so incurring extra interest - that has to be paid off. How long has this debt existed?

Three hours work per evening, three evenings a week, is £70. (nmw). For the next 40 weeks, that's £2,800. You could do the hours in a supermarket stacking shelves so that you didn't have to interact with other people. No qualifications needed, and BF baby could cope for three hours.

Anxiety can't be a get out of jail free card. Your DH's stress levels must be through the roof, but he keeps working. You have to make some sort of contribution.

£4000 isn’t too bad. Could be worse. You say you missed a couple of payments - that will mean you’re not on 0% interest anymore. You need to get different card and transfer to that. When you do, sit up a minimum payment so that it is paid each month - defaulting on payments is very bad for your credit rating.
Try to imagine yourself doing some kind of work for one or two evenings a week. Work out how much that would bring in. You won’t pay tax so surely all profit. If you’ve just taken over food shopping you might indeed make savings - I know dh doesn’t look for bargains in the way I do.
If you hadn’t got better from your illness a lot more money would have been spent on childcare for 4 if you were too unwell to do it!
If it were me I would tell dh that I would start looking at vacancies to see what’s out there with a view to getting something when baby was one. And in the meantime I’d make the budgetary cutbacks to see what difference that made. Make sure dh realises that he will need to be with the 4 children when you are at work. In the longer term your dc would rather have some spare cash than not see you for two evenings a week.

Gosh, there are some very harsh posts here. Bit of jealousy maybe?

I think that your DH sees the profligate ways and gets p£&@ed off. If he saw you make an effort at your side and spent carefully/sensibly, he would be a lot less aggrieved.

You aren’t in a great position to work right now as your baby is still too small. But it is something you need to consider when your youngest is older.

I would start spending carefully with immediate effect (should have been done a long time ago). Do not buy anything you absolutely can’t do without. See how that goes.

Take up one or two evening shifts when the baby is older. Nobody’s gonna notice you being out for a few hours. Or do a Saturday, again when baby is bigger.

Needless to say, your DH will have to pick up the slack at home to enable you to work. Don’t try and do everything.

I don't think YABU at all really.
Where are all these part time evening jobs? theres not loads going where I live.

That's completely irrelevant unless you live where the OP does.

Agency work would probably suit the OP.

Why is he doing the food shop if you’re a sahm? I do the food shop when my DC are at school.

Haven't worked for 20 years, so knew you would be a single earning family. Yet you had FOUR children and decided to go private for a medical procedure? Both of which many 2 earner families would think of as extravagant. Now your husband has (FINALLY) asked you to make a financial contribution to your family you are trying everything possible to weasel your way out of it. Including deciding to make your poor husband become vegetarian so you can save money! Incredibly selfish and work-shy. and incredibly you actually expected to come on MN and gave people agree that your husband is the one being unreasonable!!!!

Jealousy? Of the OP?

Gosh, there are some very harsh posts here. Bit of jealousy maybe?

Jealous of a woman with 4 kids, whose so skint and in so much debt, they've actually missed payments?

How can you afford not to work if you are in debts ? How can you provide for your family if you are not working ?

Was having a forth child an excuse not to go to work now the other 3 are at school?

Things happen but I never understand why people continue to have more children when already struggling financially and mentally.