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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 12/01/2019 17:35

Being the only earner when things are stretched is insanely stressful op.

My dh is trying his best to find something but I have a constant knot in my stomach with financial worries.

If there are financial savings you could be making and you're in debt then why haven't you made them already? You may not be able to find work even if you want to tbh, but it would be supporting you dh to at least consider it and give weekend working a go.

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:36

I had been to a and e so many times they just kept saying ‘IBS’
It could have been anything they made no attempt to help me. The gp tried a few things but had to wait and see if any helped so that was more time being ill before they could refer and then there was a long wait I had no idea what was wrong and was really unwell and felt it was the only option at the time

OP posts:
rededucator · 12/01/2019 17:36

ThatsNotNiceRoger You ask if OP's husband spends money on the gym or hobbies as though you are suggesting he should give up doing so. This poor bastard has a 4 kids, apparently was in charge of the weekly shop for a family of 6 despite his wife being a SAHM, landed with a workshy, entitled wife and is soon going to be forced to become a fecking vegetarian! Let the poor guy spend some of HIS money on a bloody hobby. It looks like when his wife cuts out all the luxuries so she doesn't have to get a job he will have a pretty miserable existence.

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alaric77 · 12/01/2019 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alansleftfoot · 12/01/2019 17:36

You haven't worked for 20 years ? So even before you had children ?? What did you do for money then ?

Mrsidgaf · 12/01/2019 17:37

Sorry but I think you sound really lazy! You chose to have them kids so why should it just be up to your dh to pay for them and I presume the government? (Before anyone jumps at me who receive help from the government through no fault of your own, this isn't aimed at you!) if you need the money that bad you would go out and work. Me and my dh are stuck in jobs we absolutely hate to the point it affects my mh but it supports our dc and it works for us right now.
I also don't see why you're still having these luxuries each month when you're in debt, who pays your debt? Your dh? If so then he needs to stop wiping your arse!

recklessgran · 12/01/2019 17:37

Your poor DH! Wake up OP you can't afford not to be bringing in an income - you've already said you've missed some debt payments. If you don't want to get a job outside the home why don't you find ways to earn at home? You could register as a child minder or set up an ironing business. Please try to show some support for your DH. Start off by making a realistic budget but don't be ridiculous about it. Everyone needs some sort of treat so it's not realistic to cut all treats! Next start making a plan for how you can earn money to help- no excuses-declutter and sell all unwanted items on e-bay/facebook for a start. Make sure that every penny you make is addressed to the debt otherwise it would have been a pointless exercise. Spring will soon be here so you could do car boot sales at the weekend taking a couple of your older ones with you to help. You simply can't afford to sit back and expect your DH to sort everything out OP.

BackforGood · 12/01/2019 17:38

Whether I earnt £100 a week or saved via extreme budgeting £100 a week .....if I’m saving the same amount why should it matter to him ?

Well, why don't you save £100 per week with the budgeting, and also earn £100 a week by earning ? Your debt goes down at twice the rate then.

Even with your lack of qualifications and lack of experience, you could get bar work or cafe work or supermarket work. Or something like office cleaning in the evenings. Either 2 or 3 nights a week in a bar (£77 a week + tips) or a full day's shift at the weekend (say £61.60) would virtually clear a debt of £4100 over the course of a year.

If you have chaosen to be at home for the last 20 years, and you have chosen to accrue debt, then you now don't have the luxury of "wanting to see my children at weekends", when you have the luxury of picking them up from school every day and spending 4 (5?, 6?) hors a day with them each afternoon / evening. The argument doesn't really stand up.

FlamingJuno · 12/01/2019 17:38

The wait for a referral isn't 6-12 months. Your GP would have been able to look on the Directory of Services of a number of Trusts and that would tell her exactly how many weeks wait for the referral you needed at each Trust. You would then have been able to choose to go to the Trust with the shortest waiting times. For sure, if you were in severe abdominal pain, you would not have waited 6-12 months for a dx. Did you have your gallbladder removed?

There's quite a lot of "poor me" in your posts OP. How old are your DC? Do you have three at school and a 10 month old? You can't avoid it forever, you're going to have to go back to work I'm afraid.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 12/01/2019 17:38

I think you sound extremely selfish. Get a job and cut back and then you’ll clear your debt quicker. I’ve worked full-time while looking after 3 children alone. It’s difficult but needs must.

Daisymay2 · 12/01/2019 17:38

I am quite shocked that you have not already shopped around and got the cheapest utilities already. Similarly for branded shopping. Although now retired, we were using supermarket own brands and changing the electricity/phone/mobile providers regularly when we were both working and earning good salaries. Please tell me the credit card is on 0% interest- although if you have missed payments , the 0% may be forfeit. In which case paying the minimum does almost nothing to pay your debt off
As others have said, check your entitlements for benefits.
Bearing in mind your comments about your education and work experience it might be time to investigate some of the cheap or free training courses around - getting your IT etc up to scratch will help you get a better paying job. You can do this during the day and sometimes you can get subsidised childcare. However, you really ought to be more open minded about looking for evening or weekend work, and expressing milk for your husband to give the baby. With 4 children they will get more and more expensive and your income will help with feeding and clothing them when they are older.

Mumtothenipper · 12/01/2019 17:39

Could you look at taking in some ironing to do at home? That is something you could do at home earning approx £10 an hour and do when your children are in the house and during holidays.

The other option could babysitting where you take your baby with you?

onetwopyjamacrew · 12/01/2019 17:39

I work 17.5 hours from 5am-8.30am then my partner goes to work 10-6. I also have a baby and child. This way there’s no childcare bill and we both contribute to the household. I think you could definitely find a small job like that and it’s not really fair for your DH to be earning ALL the income.

Next year when our youngest goes to nursery, I’ll be continuing my education at university full time as well as continuing work and when I qualify I should be earning similar to DH. There really are no excuses unless baby is under 3 months or you have a disability. Boneidle is not a disability

MsLexic · 12/01/2019 17:39

I doubt you could save enough just cutting back... it's a shame if you have a small baby but sometimes, needs must. You could even work part time????

Kickykickykickkick · 12/01/2019 17:39

By get a job I mean just something in the evenings or weekends so your not paying childcare.

I know it gets a bad rep but places like McDonald’s or a pub would be my suggestion. I’ve worked at McDonald’s a few times, it was ideal for me as a second job and it’s a zero hour contract.

I don’t think you can afford to be fussy unfortunately Sad but 15 hours out of a whole week is nothing really

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 17:40

Well obviously you shouldn't send a small baby to nursery as it's not a good idea for the baby and you'd not even earn enough money to cover it but like other people are saying an evening or weekend job would be a good idea.

explodingkitten · 12/01/2019 17:40

Since you're collecting your dc from school anyway, can you mind one or two more kids from the same school for money? Or babysit on a saturday evening so you don't have to miss your own children? Or clean someones house? There must be jobs like that around that fit around your family.

SpaceCadet4000 · 12/01/2019 17:43

Honestly, I think you need to listen to your partner here. Four kids, a spouse who doesn't work and growing debt is a huge burden as a sole earner and he must be stressed beyond belief. It's just not fair to put someone in that situation.

You need to express or wean the baby onto formula. Many women do just this, sometimes it's just what's necessary. You can then do evening or weekend work- care, cleaning, security and supermarkets are all options.

Yes, it can be hard to find part-time work that fits around the kids, but it's impossible to find it if you aren't looking.

And FFS, once you've paid off the debt use the money to get some qualifications.

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:43

Dh wanted to be in control of the finances always had and he wanted to do the food shop it’s only recently when he said about me working that I said I needed to go through everything to see where savings could be made as up until now he’s been doing those things

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 12/01/2019 17:43

Well obviously you shouldn't send a small baby to nursery as it's not a good idea for the baby

Why is that socks?

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:43

I didn’t intend to become fully vegetarian just to rather than have meat daily to have more veg meals as it’s cheaper

OP posts:
Gloopy · 12/01/2019 17:44

When my youngest child was born we decided my OH would be a SAHP, as at the time I was earning double what he did.

Everything was fine for a couple of years.... Then due to circumstances outside my control my job changed and I had to take another job with a huge drop in wage.

We struggled on, but the debts started to rack up, and I started to feel resentful of my OH. I hated the fact I was working my fucking arse off and he was at home doing nothing. I felt like I was drowning. I ended up working 2 jobs. One that started at bloody 4.30am, then straight to my normal 9-5. I was stressed tired and pissed off.

And I didn't want to budget.... Why should I work to have nothing?

After a few months I told him to get a job or get out...... He took over my early morning job, until he was able to take on a full time job.

DeadCertain · 12/01/2019 17:45

In terms of the meat if there's a wholesale butcher near you that's also open to the public you can get some very, very good deals on bulk packs of meats and freeze them. Saves a fortune.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 12/01/2019 17:45

Well obviously you shouldn't send a small baby to nursery as it's not a good idea for the baby

Plenty of people send their small babies to nursery because they don’t have a choice. Equally plenty of people send their small babies to nursery because they want to work. And the OP’s baby is 10 months old which is the age a lot of Mums finish maternity leave.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 17:46

it’s only recently when he said about me working that I said I needed to go through everything to see where savings could be made as up until now he’s been doing those things

So you had a look and decided if you all went veggie you'd still not have to work?