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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
firstbrightday · 12/01/2019 17:05

I think that you have to consider getting a job. Obviously there are lots of different options in terms of hours etc - could you be a lunchtime supervisor in a school? Or work in the kitchen at a school? Then you would be free in the mornings and evenings for the DC and see them at weekends.

The thing with an extreme budget is that it can all go out the window with one issue - the boiler breaking, something going wrong with the car, something else with the house etc. So the money you save goes all in one go. Whereas if you have another income, even if it is quite small, you have a constant stream of money coming in.

You could still budget but it would be less restraining.

SilverySurfer · 12/01/2019 17:05

You talk about cutting back on hairdressers, skincare £30 a month (!) etc, but why haven't you already done this? Why wait until now? Why can't you do that AND work evenings/weekends?

I guess having a fourth child wasn't part of your budget reduction? Hmm

I think your DH is entirely reasonable to expect you to make a financial contribution and to pay back the loan.

Soontobe60 · 12/01/2019 17:05

You are living in cloud cuckoo land. You chose to take out a cc to pay for investigations you could have had for free on the NHS. Not long after you had your 4th baby. Despite having debt, anxiety and 3 other children.
I had acne, a prescription from the GP sorted it out because I couldn't afford to pay stupid money for unscientifically proven products. Millions of women take medication for anxiety because they have to get on with life.
Getting a couple of evening shifts in a local pub will bring in at least £50 to go towards paying off the debts. Cutting back will just stop the debt increasing. Your baby us 10 months old so will not be relying on you for milk all the time. You're just making excuses because you're having a nice time not working out of the home.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
Purplecatshopaholic · 12/01/2019 17:05

PS genuinely - if you are in a lot of debt, why on earth did you have so many kids...?

SandunesAndRainclouds · 12/01/2019 17:05

If you budgeted and worked weekends you’d clear the debt even quicker...

AnonymousAgain · 12/01/2019 17:05

This is just my opinion, but if I'm honest, I feel you are making all kinds of excuses to justify not having to work at all. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, I know we are all different, I'm just going by what I've read here.

Budgeting can work, but it's hard going and potentially could leave a tinge of resentment (sorry) from your DH.

I was actually in the opposite situation, we had debt but DH was happy for me to stay at home. Crippling anxiety, breastfeeding etc. He was exhausted and stressed all of the time. That isn't fair to me. So I went to work to help.

In the days of equality, my opinion is that your husband shouldn't suffer all of the financial burden for your joint debt. Just as you shouldn't be dealing with all of the childcare all by yourself. Marriage is a partnership, and if one needs help then it should be given (within reason and if possible). It can't have been easy for him to ask you to work, and he probably feels upset at your reaction.

Budget and work a little, debt cleared off quicker. Result all round. Husband less stressed, and a happier home life without finances and debt hanging over your head.

CottonTailRabbit · 12/01/2019 17:06

He is obviously very worried indeed. You can't afford for him to become ill whether mentally or physically. Do actively look for a job. Do actively look for a childminder and get the actual costs then work out the hours for what rate of pay that would be profitable.

Like a pp said, you might be best off becoming a childminder.

If you can find something where you work one day in the weekend or a couple of evenings a week then that easily fits around a ten month old who still breastfeeds a bit and means DH can do the childcare so you don't waste money there.

He has made sacrifices for your physical and mental health. Show at least some effort to do the same for him by taking getting a job seriously.

Also, getting a job, any job, now will make it much easier to get back into work when the four children are old enough that it is easily profitable.

madvixen · 12/01/2019 17:06

So you racked up the debt a couple of years ago and have been missing payments but you still chose to have another child?

How did you imagine that your children would be provided for? Or did you expect your OH to be the sole provider and pay off your debt whilst you stayed home?

YABVU.

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:07

The last time I worked was a very long time ago. About 20 years. I had a total breakdown in my late teens/early twenties and that was it as far as work went I have basic qualifications and no specific skills. If i were to work it would have to be something that didn’t need qualifications or just the basic ones I have. So it’s very narrowed down what jobs I could probably even apply for

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 12/01/2019 17:08

If you work and budget hard you will pay off the debt even quicker

strawberrypenguin · 12/01/2019 17:08

I think you need to do both. Budget and cut out some of your luxuries. £30 month on skincare when you have a lot of debt is bonkers, you've clearly been living way beyond your means.

You also need to step up and help support your family, even finding Saturday work will make a huge impact on money coming in to the house. 10 month is not a tiny baby, lots of people go back to work around that time.

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 17:09

I had been ill for months and when the gp finally agreed to refer me the wait was 6-12 months and some days I couldn’t move/eat/drink due to the the pain I was desperate (turned out to be my gallbladder)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/01/2019 17:09

Working a few evenings/weekends in pub or restaurant would probably make a huge difference OP.

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 17:10

what benefits do you get - have you checked what you are ntitled to?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2019 17:10

I guess the bottom line is what is staying home worth to you? Not just in terms of money 'not brought' into the home because you aren't working, but also terms of your relationship with DH and the possibility that he will get fed up with being the only breadwinner and the amount of debt, and choose to 'opt out' of the marriage.

I realize you have MH concerns, but those can be addressed and using them as an excuse is wrong. Getting help will add to your life in ways other than helping you getting a job.

As far as BF baby, I worked full time and breastfed until DS2 was 15 months old. This was back in the day where I had to sit on the bathroom floor on breaks and lunches to pump. So I don't buy breastfeeding as an excuse to not work.

The 'dealbreaker' is your earnings potential. Obviously if costs of childcare equal your wage then it's a moot point. But even if you clear £50-100 per month after care costs, that is money that could be put to clear the debt to the tune of £600-1200 per year. Add in the cost cutting measures you say you can do @ £100/mo for an extra £1000 per year and you could probably clear a £4000 debt in 2 years. At that point, once the debt is cleared and if you keep your cost cutting measures, maybe you could afford to stay home again.

AndAHappyNewYear · 12/01/2019 17:11

I work in a supermarket with loads of online shoppers (early mornings) and shelf stackers (late evenings) who took the job because it fits around their partner working days. Some of them are trained in completely different areas and it's nobody's dream job but it saves them a fortune in childcare.

flamingofridays · 12/01/2019 17:11

Pay back what was spent on you?

Surely you always knew it needed to be paid back so really you expected dh to pay it back single handedly?

MeganBacon · 12/01/2019 17:11

I think you would probably find that the independence and contact with adults that a job brings, even if only a few hours a week, would be a very positive thing, in addition to the money.

I think also that if your dh has already said he wants you to find a job, he may be finding the responsibility of being the sole earner in a family of six very hard.

madmum5811 · 12/01/2019 17:11

supermarket shelf filling at night, good pay, nice people mostly in the same boat as you.

Consolidatedyourloins · 12/01/2019 17:11

I also want to know what caused the debt?

And is DH going to step up with housework and cooking as well as looking after the kids when you're at work?

CottonTailRabbit · 12/01/2019 17:11

Low skilled jobs are often outside Mon-Fri 9-5 so that works in your favour.

Is fear of change the biggest hurdle?

StrippingTheVelvet · 12/01/2019 17:11

If you're on a hand to mouth income to the point where you can't meet always meet your monthly outgoings (so missing repayments), £4000 is actually a really big debt. This shouldn't be an arbitrary choice of whether to budget more or get a job stacking shelves a few hours in the evening or weekend. It should be both. I can't see how working say 6pm to 10pm one day per week is such a big problem.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2019 17:12

You've had 20 years off work though OP

Surely you must realise it has to come to an end?

hendricksy · 12/01/2019 17:14

Just start budgeting now !! How did you end up with a big debt but keep having children ? Must be very stressful for him !
I don't need to work financially as dh is a high earner and we have no debt but I work because I want to contribute something . There is always work if you want it badly enough !

Sleephead1 · 12/01/2019 17:16

I think you have to accept he is no longer willing to be the sole earner I was a sahm till my little boy was 3 and went to nursery I wanted to stay off till my little boy went to school but my husband expected me to get a job so I did to be honest I still only work part time and study and only earn slightly more than what I got in benifits so It doesn't really make much difference but I think he felt the pressure and also he works very hard and long hours so did expect me to pull my weight. I would look in to option that would work for you could you childmind? set up for dog walking/boarding , cleaning own business ironing ECT what skills do you have can you freelance ? I would look into a Saturday job but I would also look at the kind of job you could realistically get and then look at cost of childcare for baby plus before or after school care for your other kids and go to him with the numbers and present it to him I would also explain if you worked he would need to do his share of housework , pick up a and drop offs and sick days and see what he has to say as he might not like the reality so much my husband suggested more hours to me but I explained o can't drive have to use public transport for school , study and would he be willing to do more at home / take time off and actually he saw my point. Good luck and hope you find a solution