The differences between this thread & the op's situation in the thread linked by reflectent:
ONE DC school aged v FOUR inc bf baby
Breadwinner doing all the housework and a lot of the tasks relating to the child AS WELL v this op doing all housework & childcare.
Short list but significant differences.
"It was me who posted that. The local care agencies can't get enough staff. No matter how many staff they train the council, the NHS and social services will refer more services users than they have the staff to cope with. Two of the people I trained with had never worked. One because she was a college leaver and the other because she had kids straight from uni. At least two applicants had moderate mental health issues." Not being able to find the RIGHT people to fill the roles doesn't mean there's not loads applying. I've also worked in elderly residential care, it's been a while but certainly even then we'd get loads of applications BUT from people without suitable experience/qualifications/aptitude. A lot of people seem to think it's a physically hard but intellectually/emotionally relatively easy job to do, which I'm sure if you work in the industry you will know is far from true!
Plus I feel you're being slightly disingenuous because you know the point I was making was that there are far more job seekers than jobs (even this govt doesn't deny that!)
"I tend to agree with the poster who said if OP is well enough to go and get her hair done and go toddler groups, she is well enough to work." Based on what?! To be honest that rather smacks of "I saw her smile therefore she can't REALLY be depressed"!!
I am (sometimes) well enough to go to a hobby group or hairdressers. But they are activities I can do or not do depending on my mh at that time period, even to the point of could do it one day but not another. Not being able to do them impacts nobody but me.
If I were working if I had days where I couldn't leave the flat (which even when I'm at my best are pretty regular) because of my mental health that would also affect my employer/clients and that would add to my stress to be honest. And there are VERY few employers who would be fine with "I can't come into work today, my stupid brain has me convinced I'll lock myself out even though my keys are in my hand and my dd has keys too" or "I'm going to be late because it's bin day and the bin men are early and I can't leave the flat while they're in my street"!!
Whereas my hobby group don't mind if I'm late, or don't go cos I'm having a bad day. My hairdresser (who is lovely) doesn't mind if I'm running a little late as long as I call her, or if I cancel (although that's rarely happened as I tend to book on the day - another reason I like her, I know then if I'm having a "good" day I can make the most of it in this way).
Sufferers of anxiety have their own "things" that are easy for them but would cripple another.
Eg I have OCD, that's the root of all my difficulties, so cleaning is actually a job I absolutely could not do because I struggle just even doing my own because of my issues dealing with anything that might be "contaminated" I certainly couldn't cope dealing with someone else's "germs". However, one thing I have never really had a problem with is public speaking. I even quite enjoy it. But for my dd - who has social anxiety - the public speaking is her idea of hell! But cleaning is something she would have no problem doing indeed we help each other out. She does cleaning jobs I find too anxiety inducing, not always but if I'm really bad and it needs doing. Equally if she needs an appointment made or some information obtained by telephone or (when I'm not housebound) face to face but with someone she doesn't know then I'll do that for her.
Everyone's anxiety and their triggers are different. An awful lot of those on this thread stating they also suffer from anxiety seem to have forgotten that.
I think op working for her mum is a good idea. It will increase income (which is the main issue everyone has been badgering her about!!), get her used to a routine of working, get her to build confidence that she can do a task she's being paid for to an acceptable standard for someone else (op you could have a chat with your mum re she must treat you like an employee on this score).
There's nothing wrong with baby steps. 20 years is a LONG time and even women without mh issues returning to work after that length of time find it nerve wracking!
BUT I do agree you need to after a certain period of time, maybe a few months, consider building up to cleaning for someone else too (no reason this can't also be a friend or relative), then to working as cleaner for someone you don't know or not as well.
Also kids get more expensive as they get older. Teens especially so I do think you need to accept that if at all possible you need to build up (slowly) to working full time. Doesn't need to be a highly skilled role.
Again, child minding would actually also be good for a paced return to full time work. During the set up phase you could clean for your mum, do the courses and prep, start off by taking on children from families you know & build from there. It's a role that largely matches your existing skill set, is self employed so the autonomy means you can plan your schedule to suit your needs (to a degree), has scope for (gradually) increasing/decreasing how much you do depending on your families needs.
I also really strongly feel you're not getting the right/enough treatment to deal with the mh issues. Unfortunately in the current climate patients who don't push for treatment generally don't get it. You SHOULD imo have a meds plan that is being reviewed regularly, have been seen by a psychiatrist at least once for a completed & thorough assessment and dx, have a cpn that is supporting you and seeing you on a regular basis, possibly a referral to your local psychology team for therapy.
Tbh I'm having a bit of a d'oh moment myself because it's just hit me op's been saying things like not liking going out, only referencing very local workplaces. I think it may be a medium level of agoraphobia.
People who don't have it think it means terrified to go out at all but actually as with all mh issues there are "levels" (there was a thread last year by an op married to someone who was, who would leave the house but only accompanied and only to places in walking distance).
Sometimes it's a "radius" - only walking distance, sometimes it's only to "safe" places eg only to school & supermarket, sometimes it's only to non busy places, sometimes (old boss of mine) it's pretty much anywhere building wise but only if door to door by car so outside for minimal amount of time, sometimes it's only at "safe" times eg not when it's raining or not on certain days of the week or dates (I've known a couple people who never leave their homes on the 13th - even if not on a Friday).
If that's the issue op there is treatment and support available.
I wrote that before I read
"No it affects everything. I struggle with going out I get overwhelmed and have panic attacks" which I think confirms its possible this is agoraphobia.
"I could be wrong of course, and having been medicated myself for years I'm aware of what anxiety/depression can do, but it's noticeable that through much of the thread OP's resisted any ideas about work - not just some, but all of them" have you had therapy too? I suspect not as you don't seem to have heard of "avoidant response"? It was sort of described upthread in the post about anxiety "shrinking" a sufferers world. OCD sufferers will be particularly familiar.
It basically enacts the "flight" part of the fear response but to a psychological threat rather than a physical one (although certainly with OCD it can feel like a physical threat sometimes - threat of illness/death)
Also "I'm aware of what anxiety/depression can do" you know what it does to you. You don't necessarily know the effect on others.
I think op's word choice has contrubuted to why this thread has gone the way it has right from the title!
It would actually be more accurate if she'd said "I'm scared to go back to work".
The phrase "comfort zone" is bandied about but for people like op and myself stepping outside our comfort zone is terrifying. The way I've explained it to some people in real life is to find out if they have a phobia and allegorise. Eg my best friend is a non swimming deep water phobic so I once explained it to her as me being asked to go outside on the same street as the bin men are collecting on is like her being asked to do one of those cliff jumps into a deep unknown body of water. Her response "fuck! Just the thought makes me feel panicky and sick!" So that and other similar discussions helped her "get it"
I've just noticed (and I'm just as guilty here) NOT ONE pp has asked the op exactly WHAT she's scared of, to break down the exact causes of the anxiety (and of course op doesn't have to answer).
"Why on earth wouldn’t someone want to improve on basic qualifications and skills."
Fear of what they would have to do to improve - going to unfamiliar places, dealing with strangers
Fear of failure - getting stuff wrong & being embarrassed, wasting time on a long course, wasting money
Fear of success (a favourite of my screwed up brain!) - fear of attention, fear of further expectations of being unable to "deliver", fear of feeling disappointed that it didn't feel as good as anticipated, fear that even though it's a success it could lead to a later negative experience (pass driving test, more likely to end up in or worse cause an accident), fear it will change you or change how people see you. Yep! Lovely little brain goblin that little bastard!!
BUT we have to keep working to squish the brain goblins, though I don't think op is getting the support to do this.
I agree too that op's husband has contributed to the situation albeit despite good intentions.
I'm very conscious of not doing that with dd (even though that's actually a parent - child relationship - man we're getting deep if we're into transactional analysis!!)
Yes I'll do things to help her out if she's having a bad day BUT if it's not a bad day she's just tempted to choose an easier route I'll encourage (not push) her to do difficult tasks. Eg I'll start a phone call where she needs info about something, explain to the person I've called and put them on speaker then when dd feels comfortable with them she takes over the call.
In light of my own experiences I don't want dd to end up suffering as badly as I do. She's also on AD's and is doing a confidence building course through work which she's finding really helpful.