Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

When I see parents on here struggling with health issues but ploughing on with drugs sometimes. I find it difficult to have sympathy. However, your OH set you on this path by parenting you from what I can make out. He organised shopping, bills, everything. He has held you back development wise.

I know a 50 year old woman like this whose husband left her she is in an awful state. Has never even put petrol in the car. To infantisise a partner is a strange thing to do but some men do it, then kick off later on.

I actually feel like I would be achieving a lot, it might not seem like it but I would have to get ready travel to my mums, set ds up to play/watch tv/etc then do some work a few hours a week and get paid for it which would be some kind of a work routine

@ReflectentMonatomism you are absolutely right.
When the man doesn't want to work you get one attitude. When the woman is the one staying at home is a different story.
We definitely have different standards and tolerance.

It is definitely a start. Does your dm work, could she watch the baby for a few hours while you worked fir others in the longer term. Do you drive?

No she doesn’t work. She volunteers locally a few hours a week since retiring
I dont drive, but that’s because we can’t afford 2 cars and dh travels quite a long way for work so he has the car

Jesus Christ justasking so it's all her husband's fault? The woman has no mind of her own?

According to the OP herself, it was her mental health issues that set her on this path.

Her husband seems to be doing all he can, but he can't cure her mental health issues.

Although if I were him, I'm not sure I would've had 4 children in this scenario.

If your mum doesn't work and is as supportive as she seems why are you fussing about childcare costs?

Also, are you receiving any treatment or medication for your anxiety?

My mum isn’t in good enough health yolook after a baby she can’t really lift/carry him etc so it wouldn’t be an option
Yes I’m on citalopram

OP you seem to be under the impression that everyone else just prefers to work and you don't as if you're magically different. You're not. The world and his dog wouldn't have a job if they didn't have to. When you have bills you have to work unless you are unable to or you either end up in debt or taking advantage of others. You are no different or better than the rest of us.

You must sort this out eventually.

You don’t want to improve yourself. Why on earth wouldn’t someone want to improve on basic qualifications and skills. Doing a short course might bring you a touch more confidence.

Right now your dh is proving you with a living and your mum has agreed to help out by allowing you to clean for her. A small but useful step.

Good start - then your mum can train you up ie what’s expected for the money she gives you. Then you’re prepped to take on work for others - your mum can recommend you, but are you on board for that?

The problem with not working and happily becoming dependent on others is that life becomes small while problems seem bigger. But you have to be able to show your children that you can cope with normal life so they follow suit.

I’m seeing that your children may end up supporting you both financially and emotionally when they are older. You appear to hide behind them.

If you're on meds and still struggle to leave the house your meds need reviewing. While you're there ask about CBT or counselling.

I didn’t say I was different or better

I have said how I am going to try and start off small and work up to more hopefully

The only worry in this case is that your mum sacks her cleaner, you take the job and then whenever your anxiety gets the better of you, it'll be easy to ring your mum and tell her you can't come to 'work'.

Whereas if you were cleaning for someone else, you'd have to possibly push yourself harder, just like you said you do for your baby when you take him to the baby group.

I hope you and your mum don't end up falling out over this, as she seems quite supportive, but at the end of the day her house needs cleaning.

OP has been with partner since 15 years of age. 25 years later he is complaining justly. But he has treated her like a child for 25 years. Whose fault is that. He took responsibility for everything like a parent, she has never matured now he wants all this yesterday...

We are going through this as a family with a 50 year old. Her partner took off abandoning the helpless creature he nurtured for decades. It is a bloody nightmare.

OP, just a question to think about that's beyond the immediate stuff about money. Anything could happen to your DH - god forbid, he may get sick and be unable to work for a period. He may have an accident and worse yet. Together you need to work on how your little family manages. Regardless of your wants and preferences, abilities and restrictions, you and your DH together need to provide for 4 little people. And have a plan for how you manage if there is only 1 of you - and if one of you is NOT your DH.

Good luck to you, I hope working for your mum works out for you. As you say, it is a start, you're making an effort so well done. I understand panic, anxiety and depression and not wanting to go out very well indeed and sympathise. You just feel paralysed and exhausted.

You're taking the first step.

As somebody said up thread, you’re being honest that you don’t want to work but that doesn’t make it OK.

I would love for work to be a choice for me, or to be able to afford to work less hours but it isn’t, because I have responsibilities to my DC and my DH. Have some respect for them if not yourself.

The problem is that, you don’t want to work or if you are guilted in to it, you don’t want to be stressed or tired. Most people are stressed and tired from working with and without DC. It’s just life.

In 18 years time, where do you see yourself? What will you be doing? Your youngest will hopefully have gone to Uni or on to employment and what then? You just sit indoors waiting for your DH to finish work?

What happens if your DH leaves you further down the line? It happens so often. SAHM gets shafted by husband, who runs off with somebody (usually younger and more interesting) and she’s left with no skills to speak of and having to start a work history from scratch.

justasking the OP has said she had a total breakdown in her late teens/early 20s.

Do you think her DH may have not had much choice but to take responsibility for everything?

You know, 'in sickness and in health' etc?

Either way, the OP is still adamant that she doesn't want to work, so again what is he supposed to do?

Strange how you’re on citalopram and BF

The easiest route would for me to sit back and do nothing for a few months like dh said but I’m trying to do something now rather than do that so not actually taking the easiest option

I meant the "easiest option" regarding employment, since doing no paid work is no longer any option at all - but apologies if I didn't make that clear

As said, I agree that cleaning for someone you know could be a good start, if you intend to do it properly rather than decide you don't feel like working and hope she'll follow through with giving you money anyway. But with the best will in the world, you can't really be surprised if folk question this when you've said quite frankly that you don't want to work, and clearly consider it a big concession to clean for someone who you've said will pay you even if it's not done

In the end, though, it doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks; what matters is your own family unit and, especially at the moment, your DH's view of all this. In light of all you've said I'd be very careful not to push him any further if you want the best for a joint future

OP has been with partner since 15 years of age. 25 years later he is complaining justly. But he has treated her like a child for 25 years. Whose fault is that. He took responsibility for everything like a parent, she has never matured now he wants all this yesterday...

JustAsking - you are making up the bit about him wanting it all yesterday. As Worra said, presumably after the breakdown his choices were to either walk away, or 'to take responsibility for everything'. Now, he feels it is time they re-evaluate their lives. We don't know if he just thinks now would be a good time or if he has reached a point where he can't do it all anymore. That is just all of us making assumptions. From the OP's responses earlier in the thread, he has clearly said it is about looking at what they can do - maybe in 6 months or later. But there has to be some time at which the subject is brought up. It has been brought up now, but not in any way saying all changes should be made from yesterday.

In regards to citalopram I have been on it about 2.5 years

Then you need to go back to the GP because it’s not working.

Medication should not be used as the only solution. It isn’t even a solution in truth; it’s just a mask. Taking antidepressants/antianxiety pills should be used to lower your anxiety so you can start to address the root cause to become well again.

You need to talk to the GP about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Your life and your anxiety is not sustainable and it’s having a negative impact on not only you but your husband and soon your child too; it is your responsibility to get yourself well and you need to take steps in that direction.

Can you think about the sort of life you want your children to have? You need to set an example to them.
By getting well again then you will be giving them a much better example of how to behave in life. Likewise getting a job when you are better.
If they see you doing next to nothing and anxious then they will feed of this and may become similar.
I think your solution to do some work for your mum is the right one. It you need to go back to your GP too.

Op I think you’ve taken this thread well. You could have been defensive or flounced but you’ve weighed up what’s been said, had some difficult conversations with your family and made a change.

Onwards and upwards, aye!

If you are at home how are you not seeing your children? Working for a few hours at the weekend wouldn't stop you seeing your children. You get everyday when they come home with them. Face up to your problems. Sounds like dh is saying he is sick of the financial pressure being on him all the time.