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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 13:53

But what is wrong with me being honest i don’t want to find a career I don’t want to get any more qualifications on top of the v basic ones I have all I’m aiming to try and do is some cleaning to make an amount of money that can be used to help with the outgoings and to also budget more to further help
There’s no point me lying I dont want to work at all but I feel guilty and I know that I can’t just carry on doing nothing so I’m doing what will be most manageable for me

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 13:55

Dh was ok to wait and reassess in a few months
My mum offering me a few hours cleaning and me accepting is basically because I want to show dh I’m willing to do something now and it’s the only option I could cope with right now

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 13:58

I just feel guilty. I want to do something and I could have just accepted her offer of help rather than the offer of work so I think actually I’m doing well this is a huge deal for me and I’m really trying. Ive read every response and I do feel guilty about dh asking for help so I am trying in the best and only way I can at the moment

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BoomBoomsCousin · 13/01/2019 13:59

Your anxiety seems to be holding you back from trying very normal everyday things, OP. This is obviously impacting you family now and sounds like it probably has for the last couple of decades. Have you sought treatment recently?

Have you ever day dreamed about what it would be like to be free from this anxiety? To do things because they suit or don’t suit rather than because you think you can bear it versus feeling cripppled by the idea of it? It would take some bravery and work to get there, but it would be a far easier, richer life for you, you DH and your children. Really so much better. Anxiety is one of the more treatable mental health conditions, it’s well worth going to your GP, having a chat and putting your heart and soul behind trying to tackle it.

MacarenaFerreiro · 13/01/2019 14:00

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a high-flying career.

However, it's clear that you do not want to work at all, ever. You're doing the bare minimum by agreeing to clean for your mum, which isn't anything like a "proper job" by anyone's definition. Your DH is not daft and will see that you are not serious in any way about contributing. All the noises about maybe taking on more clients will come to nothing as you won't feel comfortable approaching people.

This is all "what's the bare minimum I can do to make DH shut up about this and let me go back to not working".

Do you REALLY want to live the rest of your life like this???

Frequency · 13/01/2019 14:00

Are you sure it is anxiety you have and not depression or both? Have you talked to your GP about your reluctance to better yourself or join the workforce?

I get that everyone is different but to me wanting to stay home all day every day smacks of depression.

OP my sister has severe anxiety. She has therapy for it and is on her second round of cognitive therapy. She can't use the phone, she can't go and get her hair done. Her kids didn't go to baby group. My mother had to drive three hours to take them to their first day of school with her because she couldn't cope alone. She had to have a two hour long pep talk from me before she walked to her local college to apply for a course. She didn't end up taking the course because she couldn't get childcare and doesn't have the supportive husband you have. She was happiest when lived close to us and had a job in a pub. She would love to go back to work because she knows after the initial fear it would help her, although we'd all have to travel three hours to support her in getting to her first day.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/01/2019 14:02

The thing that really stands out for me is OP's surprise that her DH brought this up at all. Along with the title saying "don't want" to work as opposed to "can't", it all makes me wonder if the real intention was never to work again

I could be wrong of course, and having been medicated myself for years I'm aware of what anxiety/depression can do, but it's noticeable that through much of the thread OP's resisted any ideas about work - not just some, but all of them

We can't know how the DCs were planned for as OP hasn't replied to any questions about this, but in the DH's position, while OP's "thinking about it", I'd be taking responsibility myself to make quite sure there are no more children

rededucator · 13/01/2019 14:03

OP is now adamant she wants to be a domestic cleaner because her mother has handed her a on on a plate. She knows it is the option which requires the least amount of effort and as her mum offered her a handout OP probably thinks she'll get away with doing bare minimum and still get paid because 'it's her mum'. As for 'not wanting to work' the vast majority of people don't love working but they knew they have to because we are fucking adults. Your husband has provided for you since he was 15. You are no longer 15. You've gone from sponging off you husband to now getting paid from your mum, you don't even seem to feel guilty that you're doing someone else out of their job!

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 14:04

You don't have to want a career however can you really be that selfish as to leave it all to your DH? You are one of the main role models in your children's lives, are you happy to set the example of its fine to not work and have an unhappy spouse as you won't pull your weight?

What if he wants more eventually? An equal partner, one that shares everything not just takes?

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/01/2019 14:05

OP: does your husband earn over 40k?

Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 14:09

Absolutely it is the option that requires the least amount of effort from me. I’m not going to lie. I want it to be easy. I want to start somewhere and work my way up. I don’t want to get over anxious stressed or tired
The main aim is to contribute financially that’s all im trying to do in the way that ill cope best why is it so bad to want an easy option to start with after all this time notbin any sort of work ? I’m not going to do something I’ll find near impossible and then get burnt out that would be stupid??

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 14:10

No less than 40k

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/01/2019 14:10

But why don't you want to work OP?

You keep talking about anxiety but why does it only affect working?

Presumably you manage the school runs, parents evening, shopping, playdates etc etc

In fact, given that you haven't worked for over 20 years, how do you know it's not just the thought of it that's triggering your anxiety?

Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 14:12

No it affects everything. I struggle with going out I get overwhelmed and have panic attacks
When I’m out even if it’s cold I’m often sweating my glasses steam up and I get palpitations, I struggle to talk to people and things like the baby group I feel exhausted afterwards but I wanted him to see other children and to play but it affects everything I do

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 14:13

Shopping has been done online by dh up until v recently I don’t really go to supermarkets

OP posts:
Biologifemini · 13/01/2019 14:17

You need better help with your anxiety.

When you have kids life isn’t about what you want anymore. It is about what is best for them. You need additional help to get well and then bring in more money so they see this.
Please get some more help.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/01/2019 14:17

Do you claim tax credits if he is earning less than 40k?

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/01/2019 14:18

(I'm trying to help you, I'm not a goady fucker!) Smile

Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 14:19

Yes we get some child tax credits but I think soon we will change to universal credit ? I’m not sure.
I think I can work up to 16 hrs on Ctc? I will not be doing that much anyway so it’s ok I think ? But ill need to look up what I do as if my mum pays me who I need to declare that to imunsure how that works I will need to check

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/01/2019 14:21

There’s no point me lying I don't want to work at all

Yes, it's obvious this was the case Sad

I cross posted with you about cleaning for your mum and on the face of it this could be a good idea. But since she also offered to give you money without the need to work at all I'd worry that, all too soon, that's exactly what you'll expect her to do

Have you perhaps considered how DH will feel about you taking the easiest possible route?

Frequency · 13/01/2019 14:21

Are you receiving any treatment at the moment or taking any medication?

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/01/2019 14:22

You won't be switched to UC just yet. Migration won't happen til 2020 (it kwwps getting pushed back) and even then it is between 2020-2023.
You may find that the loss of the tax credits for you working just a few hours is pointless.
If you want to PM me, I can discuss options with you.

rededucator · 13/01/2019 14:22

I think you're right OP, 16 hours without if affecting your benefits/credits. I have a sense that your confidence is low, just give something a try. I think your husband would rather you tried and maybe gave up than didn't try at all. Good luck

Original poster
moneyunsure · 13/01/2019 14:23

The easiest route would for me to sit back and do nothing for a few months like dh said but I’m trying to do something now rather than do that so not actually taking the easiest option

OP posts:
Gettingbackonmyfeet · 13/01/2019 14:24

OP the thing you're missing here is you can be as honest as you want it doesn't make it right

I can be honest and say of course I don't want to work. I'm tired and stressed some weeks but it's not ok for me not to work as I am able to

I won't say it's easy I have horrendous anxiety but life is such that I have to work , I chose to have DC therefore I don't get to simply say I don't want to work

Honesty is not a fix it is simply a statement

That particular attitude if yours comes across as immature, my ds1 says he doesn't want to tidy up

Well no mate , nor do I but the toys need to be picked up so one of us has to do it

You are going to make this a self fulfilling prophecy...ypu think it's going to be horrendous so you will make it so much worse for yourself

You are entirely creating your own unhappiness here