Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

Why haven’t you saved money on shipping/bills already if you are in debt and that’s an issue? That could have ben done yesterday since you started this thread even.

You sound like you love not working and are coming up with propositions (I could save money in bills instead!) to enable you to keep this status quo which really should have been done already if your financial situation is so dire.

Stop making excuses and listen to your DH before he either has a breakdown or leave you.

How do you think single mums with anxiety cope?

personally i would start looking for that cleaning job now, but keep this to myself. that will give you more time to find something that suits you. in a couple of months you are going to need to look proactively from the sound of it and may have to consider things you arent totally comfortable with.

what about working in the pub kitchen - turnover of that sort of job is quite high where we live and you would be washing up/chopping veg etc. Are there any care homes near you....one of my kids worked in the kitchens there

He thinks I’ve seemed less anxious lately and that things needed to be more equal
He could see I was upset and said for now leave things as they are and In a few months we will talk again but that something has to change.

I've tried to let this go but it's bothering me, particularly the second sentence. That he said to leave things for now isn't, I don't think, a sign that you can take this as shelved. I think you backed him into a corner where he felt he had to say that. But if you take it as you don't need to think about it any more, his resentment is going to grow to a point where it's much more serious than him just asking you to get a part time job.

You've said you're going to start looking. Please do, and mean it. Don't do it as a token gesture but then find reasons why you can't take any of the jobs. He said things have to change. Listen to what he's saying behind those words.

You never worked before you had kids, you have never had any intentions of working after. You've always expected your dh to support you. Just be honest op.

OP. I am glad that you and DH have had a chat. It sounds like he is at breaking point, so you do need to talk and form a plan together on how to move forward.

Little things can make a difference, so cut your spending by as much as you can, but maybe allow yourselves one treat, so stop all brands, but maybe buy your favourite sauce or salad cream or something like that.

Start looking for a little cleaning job, or carer work, a few hours a week, then see if you can build that up slowly as you get more confident. He will need to look after the DC if the job is evenings or weekends.

The more you get out and about, the more you will get your confidence back and the anxiety will lesson. My anxiety is awful when I have to go to new places on my own, but each time I have to do it again, it gets easier.

Good luck

The trouble with anxiety (and believe me, I have struggled with anxiety for 15 years) is that the temptation is to let it win to make things temporarily easier. Don't like flying on a plane? Ok, only go on driving holidays. Don't like meeting new people? Stay at home, dont go out in an evening, don't seek out new hobbies. Don't like speaking to people? Avoid social situations. Don't believe you will cope at work? Carve a life where you are invaluable as a SAHM.

So you end up in a tiny world to stop these anxieties. But it doesn't stop does it? And you have gradually elimimated all the things that we know makes people feel better.

I know my anxiety flares when I don't feel like I have a purpose, where I don't feel control of my income and a reason to get up in the morning and push myself against what anxiety is saying.

I really think a job would help rather than hinder your anxiety.

Sigh. Are you going to have a fit of the vapours every time he asks for help? It's a very effective way to convince him that you don't give a stuff about his wellbeing.

This is not going to go away. He will ask again, you'll get upset, he'll back off, repeat a few times and by then he'll be wise to your manipulation.

I phrase I used to describe being in this position with somebody was

'You would rather see me dead than get off your arse to take some of the pressure off. And then you'd claim that you couldn't be expected to work because you were upset and anxious because you'd fucking sat by and watched me ask for help and just like now, you always sobbed and wailed about how hard it all was, threw an attack of anxiety and then waited until I gave up again before having a miraculous recovery when it's something you want to do'.

(for context, I was very ill at the time. And still working.)

That conversation finishes (usually) with two words.

I'm done.

I’m going to have a serious think about something like a weekend cleaning job or something working from home.

I think self employed cleaner would be a good starting point, particularly if there is demand for cleaners in your area.
You can scale your work up and down easily.
Many people pay cash on the day so you don't need to wait for a monthly wage (remember you should pay NI).
Once you have built up a reputation/ some references you can attract new clients when your baby is older.
You can work at various times - maybe start with one client at the weekend to begin.
Usually pays above NMW.

Miss phonic, brilliant post. Anxiety shrinks your world. It does not go away.

I got the drugs GP recommended and took them. It was so nice to feel normal. When you have children you feel so much guilt if you avoid social situations and a normal life.

There is a classic book "Feel the fear and do it anyway".

You're being so unreasonable IMO

You could even work for a few hours each evening and express milk. You literally just don't want to work

I have been to see my mum today and had a long long chat with her. I keep feeling guilty about dh because of everything and I feel bad. I keep reading this and thinking how he’s done so much for me for so long. But it’s not laziness or spite that I haven’t been able to give back I’ve just struggled so much
My mum has a cleaner but has said if I want the hours instead I can do it and bring ds with me if I want to do something now rather than reassess in a few months time as this might be an easier more familiar way to start off working. She said if it helped she would just give me some money but wants me to think very hard as it would be better for me to earn it even though it’s from her rather than getting another ‘handout’
I feel like this way i would be helping financially but it’s a gentler way in to work as it’s my mums house and then in a few months time I could maybe clean for someone else and build it up

I am a sahm of 6. DH works full time.
We had decided that I would be a sahm before we had dc1 (15 years ago) and for the most part I have been.

About 8 years ago dh was building up his own company and I started working with him to help which lasted around 1.5 years. But as soon as it was possible I went back to being a sahm. Both dh and I hated me working it totally upset the balance of everything !

But - I am glad I did when he needed me to I feel like it was a team effort and it’s made me appreciate being home all the more!

Well, it’s not a bad idea but you would need to undertake it with the idea of definitely moving on to something else, as otherwise you won’t broadening your horizons or gaining any additional skills.

Plus what about the other person who is effectively being sacked?

Meanwhile, elsewhere on MN:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3478044-To-be-sick-of-DH-not-working?trending=1

Note the very different tone of the responses.

I have noted reflectant, however, there are four children involved in this thread. So if the husband kicked out his wife, how would his life improve, his debts disappear. I know its Sunday but come on. Think this out intelligently.

I don’t really want to broaden horizons and gain skills all I’m aiming for is to try and contribute like dh has asked me too as I feel quite guilty now and that’s all I’m aiming for. I just feel so bad today about things I’m not lazy I’ve just been caught up in anxiety and am isolated and found it easier to stay in but I want to show him I’m making some effort however small and if I clean for my mum it may not be much but it’s some money and it’s not too stressful for me

Yes she would have to give notice to her current cleaner

I feel like a real sponger now. I’ve been a sahm for 10 years. My kids are 10,8 and 6. I did do some freelance admin work last year from home but the company is having to make large cuts. My 6 year old has just started in full time school at a specialist school after a disaster when he was barely allowed into his mainstream last year. Both my younger two have autism and cannot go in afterschool or holiday care. One club said we’d have the pay for a one to one for the middle one and it would be £10 ph plus the club cost. Plus the stress it would cause the kids. Especially the youngest as he’s severely autistic and most definitely cannot be left with anyone. My dh also leaves early and leaves work at varying times. I am looking for work but no one else can look after the kids and at the moment Dh seems okay about it as he knows I’m doing my best.

Sometimes I think the anxiety of thinking about work is worse than the doing it. Why not look and see what is out there. Something a few hours a week with little responsibility might get you over the hurdle of being anxious.

I don’t really want to broaden horizons and gain skills all I’m aiming for is to try and contribute

But you can't do one without the other!

If you don't want to gain skills or broaden your horizons then you'll make no progress.

Without your mum offering you a few hours work, nothing would have been done to improve the situation at all. Nothing.

Factory / supermarket / care / pub - I live in a very small town but all of this sort of work is available as evening shifts." I'd love to know if YOU know how many applicants per vacancy in your area? Some online job sites show a counter, where I live when I was looking the number of applicants PER VACANCY on even one site (and the same jobs were usually advertised on multiple sites, plus with Job centre, local paper & Facebook pages) was well H to several HUNDRED - and no I don't mean that's how many had just looked at the job but applied via the site. If anything the lower skilled/poorer paid jobs had the most applicants

It was me who posted that. The local care agencies can't get enough staff. No matter how many staff they train the council, the NHS and social services will refer more services users than they have the staff to cope with. Two of the people I trained with had never worked. One because she was a college leaver and the other because she had kids straight from uni. At least two applicants had moderate mental health issues.

I tend to agree with the poster who said if OP is well enough to go and get her hair done and go toddler groups, she is well enough to work.

It would probably do her mental health the world of good and I say that as an anxiety sufferer. Like another PP the more control I have over my life and the more routine I have the less my depression and anxiety take over my life/head space. As I said earlier, I don't know a single anxiety sufferer who does not benefit from working or studying.

OP, I get why working for your mum is tempting but I don't think it is the right thing to do. A job outside of family would be best for you. The scary part is taking the leap to apply, go to the interview and start your first day. After that it will help you.

Note the very different tone of the responses

Probably because the circumstances are in no way comparable

I mean this kindly, but I wasn’t talking about becoming a paramedic or flying to a conference, merely the bare minimum of workplace skills that would enable you to make a contribution. You haven’t really worked at all, so do need to build up your skills and widen your horizons.

Turning up, even when you don’t feel like it
Keeping a friendly relationship with your employer
Accepting instructions and sometimes criticism.
Doing things you don’t want to do.

You need to be careful if you get any govt credits that working doesn’t mean you loose them.

I’d maybe agree to an evening shift somewhere. Waitress bar staff etc easy to get.

I used to do everyone monday night in a pub it didn’t impact family life much and it was nice to have a change.