Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

just I hadn’t been expecting this issue to even be raised

In twenty years, it had never occurred to you that you might have to find some way of financially contributing to your own household?

Honetsly, this is beyond belief.

@ZigZagZombie if you feel best very early on then online shopper may suit you well. Sainsburys pays £9.20 / hr and a little more for the hours before 0500 so my pay averages £9.81 / hr when I do 0400 - 0800 shifts. Suits me well as a second job.

OP - a different POV for you.

I have 4 kids as well and had it firmly in my head that I couldn't possibly work, after all who would want a mother of 4 with no qualifications and no CV?
I had anxiety so badly and PND that DH has to take 6 months off work to make sure I was safe.
When my third born son went to primary school I finally realised that I couldn't do that anymore, I couldn't wallow at home telling myself that everything was dandy so I started looking at jobs that were aliens, just to see what was out there.
I saw a cleaning job with an agency, it paid minimum wage and for only 2 hours an evening 3 days a week I knew I would earn sweet FA. However I went for the interview and they hired me! The confidence boost was immediate.
I worked there for a year and after 6 months they also gave me a very early morning shift (4am-6am!) so now I was working 8 hours a week.

The wages were next to nothing and the staff at the evening job treated me like shit but my anxiety faded slightly and my confidence grew, I want missing out a lot of feeds for my baby as it was only a hour or 2 I was gone and being able to say "I'm going to work." gave me a real kick.

Anyway that moved on until I couldn't stand being treated so badly anymore and I applied for a self employed community care role and I love it! I get kid really well (enough to clear you debts off over 2 months) and I pick my own hours so it doesn't interfere with the kids. My clients know I can't do 3-6pm but I go and do bedtimes with them and dinner.
What I'm getting at is that my mental health has proved so much and I earn decent money and I feel valued which is everything to me, my kids can see me happier and see that I'm helping people and DH doesn't have to carry the financial load anymore.

That's good to know that DH would be happy to support you in finding work that's not school hours. Opens up your options a great deal. I would definitely research the cleaning job opportunities. It'll suit your anxiety the best from what you've said. Don't go near anything MLM or even MLM adjacent.

Good points about insurance and nailed on contraception too. You may have those in place already of course. But if I were in DHs position I would have the snip.

Ethel, just because your DH is unwilling to do actual parenting of his own DC, doesn’t mean it applies to all men. The OP’s DH has confirmed that “school hours” was just his first thought and he’s confirmed that he’d be willing to do his fair share of childcare if the OP gets a weekend/evening shift.

It’s blatantly obvious that “cut back on outgoings and also try to get a couple of weekend shifts” is the answer that will achieve the desired result quickest with least pain. Maybe set a goal of having some work by the time your youngest turns one. Breastfeeding gets less and less restrictive over time even if you carry on to age 2. And nursery gets cheaper each year and then you get free hours.

I haven't gone through all the posts yet, but I have very severe anxiety as well as other mental health issues, four children similar ages to yours and I work from home, typing for a transcription company. It doesn't earn LOADS but it means I am here for my children and can work in my own time, without the pressure and social interaction that I struggle with due to my health issues. Could this be an option for you?

I haven't read the whole post. So many replies. But could you mind a child along with your own baby for a few hours in the morning? Or pop in to help an elderly neighbour each morning bringing your baby with you. Baby would cheer up elderly person while you do some duties. Or are your own dps around one or two morning to mind baby free while you take a part time job. Or could you take in ironing ànd do it while baby rocks in her little bouncer? ( And ignore your own ironing pile rising higher and higher!) Or could you bring one extra child home from school each evening 3 to 6 until their dp collects?
I think part of sahm job description is usually to budget so that should have been happening all along.
Make even one small step to do something.

You have 4 children including a baby.
That would be enough work for me.
Is your dh prepared to fill in as babysitter when you work.
How exhausted will you be ?
I think the pressure on women to do so much is dreadful.

I found a weekend job, but he didnt want to look after the children on his days off.

I don’t even know where to start with this...

My DH has the DC when my shifts fall on a weekend, because you know, he’s the other parent of the house.

Op I’ve not read all the way but I think you’re getting a v hard time.

That’s not an huge amount of debt imo but your DH is clearly frustrated and wants to feel like you’re contributing. Does he understand how much childcare would be?

However, I think by the sounds of it it would be good for your confidence to work. My friend who has four kids (the youngest is two) has recently started working two shifts in a restaurant, Friday night and Saturdays night. She earns good tips those nights too. She has experiance working in restaurants but I think as long as you’re presentable, friendly etc it’s something that could be trained up in.

She does shifts like 4pm-closing so you could still spend time with the DC.

Just an idea.

My situation is I’m the full time worker, and my DH is a SAHD to our two DCs, both preschoolers.

At the moment it wouldn’t work for us for him to work. He wouldn’t be able to earn enough to cover a childminder.

We budget carefully and don’t live lavishly, but we both agree it’s for the best for the family. You need to have a proper conversation with your husband.

Baby may not take a bottle, especially if they haven't and are 10 months old.

Weekend work is the most viable option providing DH picks up all the tasks you normally do and is happy not having as much free time as he is used to.

@DeadCertain that sounds absolutely brilliant. My nearest Sainsbury's is just over 20 miles away (I live rurally) - like I say the fly in the ointment is the kids - youngest is 6 - so it'll be a few years before I can creep out at 4am for work. But that job sounds absolutely brilliant for me - thank you. Nearly 30 years ago I worked FT Tesco (first break down ) and I remember the happiest employee being the retired gent who put the fresh flowers out in the morning.

I also meant to say that wrt OP's medical bill - is it not possible one of the reasons she went private is because her anxiety got the better of her and she panicked? That would be entirely understandable too if we look at this in its entirety.

But she isn’t paying any NI contributions

She will get Class 3 contributions (which count to a pension) for all years she is in receipt of child benefit for a child under 12. But even with four spaced out children that is only going to get a pittance of a pension based on about 20 years’ of class 3.

You must be on a small dose for the doctor to be happy with it. The first thing my doctor did was change the medication.

I appreciate it's difficult going back to work after a long time but you're not the only one who suffers from anxiety. I'd love to stay at home with my daughter. I'd love to have more than 2 kids, but I'm realistic and know we can't afford more.

Sorry I think you're full of excuses. The budgeting will help but I'm pretty sure your partner will feel sick of being in debt again.

So many people saying 4 kids and bf baby means work is impractical. I have always worked and returned to work after 9 months mat leave as we couldn't afford 12 months since last 3 months is unpaid. All mine were also breastfed, the youngest until she was 2.5 years.

You can get childcare vouchers which means you don't pay tax on money that pays childcare. I regard after school childcare as a benefit for my kids - they play with friends, doing games, rather than coming home and wanting to go on screens.

Op working in a way that is sustainable for you is good for mental health. Doing some cleaning or ironing for example. Good luck with it.

'You have 4 children including a baby.
That would be enough work for me.
Is your dh prepared to fill in as babysitter when you work.'

'Babysitter'

Words fail me

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross sometimes it is a big deal to have to consider things, no need for the sarcasm.

I have an eating disorder, to even consider touching a new food to my lips (not even in my mouth) will take me a day to psyche myself up to considering it, then perhaps a further few days to prepare and touch the food, then a further few days to actually do it. I have had therapy, this is amazing progress for me. Just because it's easy/easier for you, doesn't mean everyone has the same experience. I'm sure others would also make horrible comments about this as they do not understand.

Please consider the mean comment as it could impact the mental health if it is really fragile.

Zigzag - agree on the medical bill front. Thought it was implied by OP saying how it seemed the right deciosn at the time

Unfortunately you have got yourself into a situation which is tricky
X4 kids is full time work and I don’t see how it can be otherwise
However due to debt you need to do something, even if it is just waitressing of an evening or doing a Saturday shift in a shop
You need to raise your net income. Cutting back won’t help.
I fully understand your partner - if I was the main breadwinner I would be stressed and want my other half to do something.
If you can get better treatment for anxiety that would be a good start then back to work.

TitsalinaBumsquash - may I please just say how awesome you are? I love how you've turned things around and made the absolute best of your situation.

Op - you’re storing up problems for yourself and your family.

Wonder if there are any leafleting jobs you can do. I’ve seen stuff locally. Doesn’t pay well but you can take baby? Hours to suit, walk and increase your fitness and you don’t have to talk to people.

eBay things. I used to eBay ds clothes in bundles. Or a big clear out and do a car boot sale with your DH.

Small steps to increase your confidence.and budget best as you can.

But you know that you cannot continue as you are.

Is your dh prepared to fill in as babysitter when you work.

"babysitter"? He's their parent, of course he'll watch them while she works!

I'm sorry but you need to get a job as its unfair to lay the burden of paying of your joint debts on your husband alone.

A lot of people would love to stay at home with their children but in reality that isn't an option and sounds like it no longer is for you.

You need to weigh up what your life would look like if you were working.

Cost of working Vs earning potential - by the time you factor in childcare costs, travel to work, and clothes for work (depending on what you need), how much better off will you be financially?

Stress levels - if you have anxiety, it may be helped by having a regular routine and a job you like. On the other hand, you may be more stressed with juggling more things, and your DH will also have to step up more as you won't have the time the kids are at school to do housework in peace etc. Can you get more help with the anxiety?

Debt levels - are you accruing interest on the debt? How much difference would it make to wait a year until the baby is maybe weaned and it would be easier to leave him/her?

Could you look into working from home doing something in the evenings? Ironing or something? You'd need to get insurance etc, but that wouldn't be too complicated.

You've said you could easily cut back on your food spending - why aren't you doing that already? And changing utility suppliers is also a fairly easy "win" which doesn't involve any lifestyle change.

I would start by implementing your budget, while having a look for jobs - you may find that you see something you'd love to do, or you may discover that there's nothing out there that's going to make you better off.

I think it's a good idea to keep an open mind and explore all the options.

bean babysitter!!!! Words absolutely fail me.

He's their dad. It's called being a parent. Do you refer to your DH as the babysitter??