Wow! Ok op didn't help the way the thread went with the lack of info at the beginning. I was sort of nodding along and agreeing with a lot of posts as the true situation wasn't clear.
BUT the SHITTY posts SINCE that ESPECIALLY Where it's clear that the poster HAS read the post by op quoted below about her work background are completely out of order and quite a few are plain disablist! Mental health issues ARE a recognised disability when severe. I sincerely hope none of you ever experience them because I suspect you're also surrounded by people with similar views. And yet I've had a few times on Mn where people have tried to tell me there's no longer a stigma to being mentally ill. I'm saving a link to this thread for the next time a poster elsewhere claims this, especially if they say it doesn't happen on mn!!!
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
As for the "poor husband" bollocks - she didn't make them 4 kids alone! And it sounds like he's also been contributing to overspending!
"I'll tell you why you've had some harsh responses, it's because given a choice, most of us wouldn't work" I strongly suspect you're right - no excuse for some of the truly disgusting attacks on op!
"I think (some) men think it’s an easy option to stay at home looking after the children" clearly not just men based on this thread!
"The last time I worked was a very long time ago. About 20 years. I had a total breakdown in my late teens/early twenties and that was it as far as work went I have basic qualifications and no specific skills." Wow! MASSIVE dripfeed there!! By basic qualifications do you have 5 GCSEs inc English & maths? Tbh most nmw part time jobs aren't going to be expecting huge qualifications but the lack of experience of ANY work for so long IS going to be an issue.
Do you have a cpn? Support worker? They're getting harder to find due to the cuts but there are people who specialise in helping people who have been off work long term due to illness/disability to access education/training/jobs with sympathetic employers. I was working with one in 2017, unfortunately I then took very ill again. But others in the group I was part of are now back in work and a couple hadn't worked for nearly 30 years. Where in the country (just roughly) are you? Maybe we can help you access support groups and services like this?
I'm agoraphobic to the point of housebound. There's a huge range or levels of "anxiety". If you suffer but are still able to work great, it's not true for everyone and frankly I'm shocked that even other sufferers are being so very judgmental and lacking compassion.
The reality is she is unlikely to get a job with in real terms no experience, few qualifications & serious health issues.
I was working with a support worker in 2017 when I (mistakenly as it turned out) thought I was well enough to return to work after almost 10 years not working myself. For the benefit of those who I HOPE are merely unaware of how hard it is to get back into work in this situation:
I have 2 degrees, lots of experience in various industries mainly admin & healthcare, good references. I applied for over 200 jobs and only got 3 replies - and one of those was an auto response email!
A big gap on your cv alone makes it VERY hard to get back into work. And I wasn't being fussy! I was applying for everything from shelf stacking, online shopping picker to medium level admin roles and roles more suited to my most recent degree. All hours because my dd is now old enough not to need childcare, was also happy to travel up to 2 hours commuting (providing the cost v wage wasn't leaving me much worse off). I also had the support worker advocating for me and asking employers they had "contacts" with if there was anything and giving them my cv. There just aren't the jobs out there. Especially if it's a deprived area. I've also several friends and family who are already working but hate their jobs/employers and are/have been looking for alternative roles and they're saying it's pretty dire too!
However,
"but things like haircuts are not what I would class as luxuries." £40 ones bloody well are!
Ditto £30 on skincare!
Sorry op but I think you do need a dose of reality with regard to spending (and those that know me on here or if they want to can go look at my posting history will know I am not one to be tough on non working mums of young DC, I also have a lot of sympathy with those dealing with MH issues as I suffer badly myself)
You and your dh were BOTH irresponsible because it sounds like you PLANNED to have 4 children when you clearly couldn't really afford it! Then you compounded your mistake by living outside your means and running up debt! Actually just read your post at 1652 and the debt was incurred BEFORE DC 4 was even conceived! That was a poor decision.
Money saving expert site is an excellent suggestion, though I've found the forums aren't as busy as they once were, there's lots of useful info on there. He's also very vocal and supportive of the fact that mh can and does affect finances & people's handling of debt quite seriously.
With 4 of your own there's a reasonable assumption you like and are good with kids. It's not easy (I've done it) there's a lot of planning and organisation to get set up and then to do the job but it would let you be home with your own DC AND be earning AND still have a certain amount of control over how you work, which might help with the anxiety side of things.
That's why I did it. (Plus I love kids). It certainly wouldn't hurt to look into it. It takes time to get to the point where you are actually taking families on but in that time you can be applying your ideas on budgeting too. It would also lead to your gaining certain qualifications.
However
"Since you're collecting your dc from school anyway, can you mind one or two more kids from the same school for money?" If the op has the other children for more than 2 hours per day then she is required by law to be a registered childminder. The requirements for this vary around the uk, generally speaking a child care qualification, first aid qualification are minimum plus the home has to be safe & clean (to a far higher standard than most normal homes), a selection of toys, books and equipment must be provided and the op would need official registration with the appropriate body (ofsted in England & Wales) & have permission to operate a business in the property (not all landlords or mortgage companies agree) and public liability insurance. Some councils or clients like childminders to have food safety qualifications too. It is NOT a job you can just decide to do overnight. Takes about 6 months to set up.
If I didn't also have a physical disability I'd consider doing it again myself (I've certainly been asked).
Another option is being a nanny/mothers help, this isn't as tightly regulated as childminding (though for other reasons I think it should be) and there are families who (providing it didn't interfere with you doing the job) would be OK with you taking your own baby along.
You could also do "normal" babysitting on evenings when dh is home.
There's also possibly some jobs that can be done from home. Try and avoid the mlm scams obviously but some admin roles (could you do this?), taking in ironing, basic sewing, maybe if you're crafty there's something you can make to sell?
On that note as well as budgeting are you selling things you & your family no longer need that are in good condition?
Calling the op lazy when they've 4 kids including a 10 month old baby is ridiculous though! That's going too far!
"Care work can offer huge flexibility and doesn't require qualifications" not strictly true. While there's no legal requirement any decent employer will require a basic qualification and/or experience with the applicant willing to work towards a qualification. Employers who don't are usually dreadful employers (as well as pretty shit care providers). I worked for a good while in elderly care and that's been my experience.
DeadCertain - I'm really curious about your job now!
"A bit off topic, but I am really shocked that you felt you had to go private for your gall bladder"
I'm not! - op's experience with her health issue is FAR fil unusual. On a number of threads on here there's a lot of women who've had a similar experience. Some of the posts on the subject aren't by the patient but loved ones and the patient did die! So please don't be flippant about this, it's a major issue especially for women. Frankly I'm shocked this & the HUGE denial of the extent of thyroid disease in women aren't national scandals!
IN SUMMARY
1 CONTACT A DEBT CHARITY: Christians against poverty, stepchange, national debtline are the big ones. If possible get the debt transferred to 0% provider, if not then reduced apr% at least or interest frozen. They should also be able to tell you quite accurately what if any benefits you're eligible for.
2 CUT COSTS - money saving expert AND Mn are excellent for helping with this. Off the top of my head:
Hair - use local college or find an "old lady" hairdressers (which is what I use. Very good at her job and cheap £10 for a trim and blow dry), or mobile hairdressers can be cheaper.
Skin - you've already said you can significantly reduce this
Food - I'm veggie so the comments on forcing dh to eat veggie food have been erm interesting, but dd isn't, so even with meat in the diet there's loads of ways to cut down here. Reduce your brand level by at least one tier (most people won't notice much if any difference) then in a few months do it again. You & dh may find there are certain things you're really not willing to compromise on (for me it's fairy liquid and shower creme. Shower creme due to sensitive skin/allergies, fairy cos frankly all others are so crap I end up using more anyway so it's a false economy. Dd will only drink actual Diet Coke when she fancies a fizzy drink BUT what I do - and luckily these all have long shelf lives - is only buy them when they're on offer and then I sort of stock up a bit. As a result they don't actually cost me more than 1 tier brand difference). Also consider using different shops, even bulk buying some items from Costco or Amazon type places?
Shop around - energy, water (if in England and Wales), any insurance, Internet, phones (I'd bet good money you're paying way over the odds for your mobiles!), any tv packages (largely unnecessary imo, we have Netflix but that's it. Otherwise free provisions are plenty especially with so much available on free catch up services), transport costs (do you both have cars? If so could you downgrade the car, reduce insurance? Money saving expert has advice on driving efficiently to save money and there's apps to let you know which local petrol station is cheapest that day), if public transport look at seasonal tickets, discounted options (if you get pip or dla you can get disabled railcard if you qualify on mobility grounds. I do) or family tickets (had a family railcard when I was working), buses vary greatly on location depends on your local company. Mine do various seasonal passes which depending how much you use them can work out cheaper than paying each journey.
Everything look for vouchers and discounts before paying full price for anything. Get loyalty cards for EVERY shop you use - the points acquired can come in very useful for school holidays and Christmas!
3 LOOK INTO GETTING QUALIFICATIONS/GOING BACK TO WORK
speak to your cpn if you have one, or depending where you are various mh charities can advise what's available locally including funding (which can sometimes include childcare), look at local jobs ads to get an idea of requirements and what's available so you can plan in a targeted way.
"Look into support the job centre can offer" erm when were you last in a job centre?!
Citalopram isn't preferred for bf mothers but if it's op's usual antidepressant, depending how bad her mh is it may have been decided that the benefits of her staying on it outweighed the risks. If anything that suggests to me her mh is quite poor if her DOCTORS won't even consider a change of meds.