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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:

snowie01 · 12/01/2019 23:26

I worry about what has made DH says this. Is it out of the blue? Been mentioned before? How is HIS MH? It's horrible and stressful being the sole wage earner at times. I hope he is not under lots of pressure and heard that maybe his job is at risk/cutting hours. Have you spoken to him?

Original poster

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 23:43

I have spoken with dh at length. He has told me that he just thought now was a good time for me to start contributing. He thinks I’ve seemed less anxious lately and that things needed to be more equal
He could see I was upset and said for now leave things as they are and In a few months we will talk again but that something has to change.
He said he only suggested a school hours job as he assumed that would just be the best option and not so that he didn’t have to do any childcare as he doesn’t mind doing it he was just thinking of the easiest option
He said he’s tired. That things are difficult and he feels stressed and he snapped that’s all because he prefers ginot ever be in debt and it’s been niggling away at him
We are going to budget as planned

In regards to citalopram I have been on it about 2.5 years and my gp and midwife both told me the dose was safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding

I’m going to have a serious think about something like a weekend cleaning job or something working from home. I dont know what will happen or if I’ll be able to but I’m going to think about it properly which is a big thing for me

OP posts:

Blessthekids · 12/01/2019 23:44

Good luck

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money

beansontoastfortea · 12/01/2019 23:47

I decided to work from home and it was the best thing I ever did ... you can do anything you set your mind to

HarrySnotter · 12/01/2019 23:47

OP a cleaning job could be a really good option, especially for an agency or something. Good luck.

Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 23:47

That’s good progress op, and not unreasonable on either viewpoint.

Original poster

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 23:51

I know it sounds like I’m being picky but I feel like they are the only sort of jobs I could cope with at the moment I prefer to be alone or with as few people as possible so a school/shop etc would be hell for me and make my anxiety worse
But I don’t want to be unfair to dh I need to be realistic about what i could cope without just I hadn’t been expecting this issue to even be raised

OP posts:

Sistersofmercy101 · 12/01/2019 23:57

"start contributing " sorry this bothers me enormously because OP is working - an outside contractor e.g. A childminder would charge in excess of £400 a week in the school holidays for the care of 4 children whilst the OP was at work FT. So let's not undermine the hard work and the contribution of a parent in the home who provides around the clock child care services for the OPs H 4 children. OP didn't have these children by herself, it took two! She's providing for the children and enabling her H to work FT - I'm certain that if he tried to work FT and organise care for the children he'd realise it's expensive and stressful with time limits, deadlines, fee's for late pick ups, school holiday to organise for, sick days...

FrancisCrawford · 13/01/2019 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frequency · 13/01/2019 00:18

I kind of agree with this and if OP's Dh was withholding money from her because she didn't work it would be a valid point but that's not what is happening. OP's H has supported her since the day they met. He wants some help financially. It's not much to ask after more than a decade of supporting her financially and emotionally.

I sympathise with the anxiety. It's shit. I have it. As does my daughter and many of my colleagues however it seems like OP has been allowed to opt out of being an adult. That can't be good for her mental health or self-esteem or her marriage.

OP, community care workers work in teams of two, generally unsupervised for the most part of their shift and there is care work going in all areas of them country. Might that be an option for you? It's hard work but very rewarding. Wrt your anxiety, I don't know a single sufferer who has not benefitted from getting out of the house and working. As always with anxiety, the thought of doing something is far scarier than the reality.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/01/2019 00:25

You pay tax on child benefit btw if it goes into your account.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/01/2019 00:28

If yourchildis under 12 and you're not working or do not earn enough to payNational Insurance contributions,Child Benefitcan help you qualify forNational Insurancecredits. These credits count towards your State Pension. They protect it by making sure you do not have gaps in yourNational Insurancerecord.

Just fyi.

snoutandab0ut · 13/01/2019 00:29

He’s a mug for having supported you financially for 20 years pre kids. But he’s not unreasonable to want to share the financial burden. Presumably if 3 of the 4 kids are school age they are out of the house for the school day anyway. Plenty of people with anxiety work. You need to get a job

2019Dancerz · 13/01/2019 00:34

When has OP said they waited 20 years before kids? She said she hasn’t worked for 20 years. How much of that was pre kids rather depends on how old the eldest is.

Hogtini · 13/01/2019 00:43

Your husband sounds very reasonable and understanding. Time to offer him the same in return

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/01/2019 00:47

OP: do you currently claim tax credits for your older 3 children? Unless your husband earns over 40k, you would likely be entitled to something. From 1st feb you would need to apply for UC, so if you're not claiming tax credits, look in to it as a matter of urgency as a lot of families are worse off on UC (although this isn't the case for all).

MarthasGinYard · 13/01/2019 00:52

Sounds like your DH will be the one with anxiety etc soon if you don't pull your finger out and start providing.

Sounds like he's been feeling like this for a long time

I certainly wouldn't have another dc either.

nancy75 · 13/01/2019 00:54

Wow some nasty replies, and the outrage at £30 on face cream. Seven whole pounds & fifty pence per week! Even worse £40every 8 weeks for a haircut - that’s a whopping £5 a week. The way some of you have gone on you’d think the op was Imelda Marcos & she’s got 4 grand in debt buying shoes rather than on healthcare.

DragonMamma · 13/01/2019 00:56

I’m sorry OP. You don’t just get to abdicate responsibly for financially contributing. Many, many people have to work with depression and anxiety. Myself included.

You need to bite the bullet. You’re DH is telling you what he needs; he’s facilitated you being a SAHM for a significant amount of time.

The alternative is that he becomes resentful and your marriage crumbles. You end up on the dreaded UC and are forced to work via that route.

Better now, that before your hand is forced. Unfortunately, only the very wealthy are in a position to not work these days, I’m afraid.

Stormy76 · 13/01/2019 01:11

YABU and need to get a job, by all means budget as well. I work and have a MH illness and am on medication ...a lot of it ...... I have to work because we have bills to pay. I also have kids and whilst they are older now I worked while they were younger as well, it is possible to manage sleepless nights and all the other stuff that comes with being a working mum ...when the alternative is no money for food. You don’t get to refuse, look into the cleaning job it would be perfect for you a you will be able to fit it around the kids. Get a breast pump and express milk.

StrippingTheVelvet · 13/01/2019 01:22

Your husband is telling you loud and clear how he feels and what your marriage needs. Listen to him or it'll not just be your credit ratings down the pan.

Aridane · 13/01/2019 01:42

start contributing " sorry this bothers me enormously because OP is working - an outside contractor e.g. A childminder would charge in excess of £400 a week in the school holidays for the care of 4 children whilst the OP was at work FT. So let's not undermine the hard work and the contribution of a parent in the home who provides around the clock child care services

sisters. - you might have a valid point were it not for the fact that OP has never worked and has repeatedly said in the thread that she doesn't want to

snitzelvoncrumb · 13/01/2019 01:44

The thought of going back to work can be scary. Try to relax and look at options, and remember they are just options. Work out how much you could earn, will you lose benefits by earning and how much will child care cost? I agree working in the evening is too much when you have little ones, so you could consider one day on the weekend or during the week. Sit down with your husband, get the calculator out and see which option looks like it will work for you. It's ok to set limits like you are only prepared to work one day over the weekend, and the money must go towards the debt, not spent elsewhere, and your husband must help pick up the slack, if you work Saturdays and come home to a trashed house you get to spend Sunday cleaning will result in you no longer working. Just start small and see how you go, and remember to budget for care in the holidays.

FlipF · 13/01/2019 01:49

I think that's a big deal that you are at least going to have a look into getting a job. It won't do any harm will it.
Do you drive? If so, what about some sort of courier job.
I wonder if there would be any care work that would suit you. Home visits might work if it were just for a few clients.

Another thought is to look at doing a little charity work at the weekends just to get you used to being in a 'work' environment. What about a few hours on Saturdays working ion charity store - you could work sorting things out or something rather than in the shop area if you were worried about shop work.

You are able to go to playgroups which presumably are busy noisy places so I wonder if you might be more able than you think to mix with people.

snoutandab0ut · 13/01/2019 01:59

She said she eldest kids are school age which does not suggest they’re in their 20s. So a significant period of that time before children was spent not working. After the mental health breakdown in her late teens the OP could have got a job. I’m estimating there was probably around a decade where the OP had no children and was also not working. Not only is frankly astonishing that the husband was willing to fund his non-working partner completely before they had kids (and that’s on him) but it is surprising to say the least that the thought of retaining some independence and responsibility never seemed to be something that crossed the OP’s mind.

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