Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

I feel for your husband. He's in a horrible position.

You need to get a job. Pay off your debt. Support your family. Kids don't live on love alone.

either him doing it, or finding and paying for somebody else doing it?

How exactly is he supposed to that when he is paying for absolutely everything, repaying the debt and struggling?

No you shouldn’t have to work as you’re working full time as it is! And the people here who said you should get a job obviously don’t understand about sleep deprivation and how hard it is to juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis

Lolz

Of course you should get a job. Am sure most of us would prefer not to but it's completely unfair on your Dh to decide your not going to bother. M and leave all the financial stress to him.

thesnapandfartisinfallible has nailed it 🙌

*OP this post is basically the female equivalent of a typical MN cocklodger complaint. You've run up over 4k of debt, albeit necessary debt, not worked since you were a teenager, had a fourth child that you can't really afford and are now whinging about your anxiety and how you don't want to work. Grow the fuck up!

No one wants to work. I have Anxiety too. And Depression and PTSD all diagnosed by a psychiatrist and all being treated with meds that mean I need 4 alarms to wake me and keep me awake long enough to get ready for work at 9.30 I tried to kill myself recently. Was in hospital for two weeks. As soon as I was discharged, I was back at work. That's what you do when you have family to support and bills to pay. So I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for you whatsoever. You're taking the piss.*

This ^^ for dh

What has been completely overlooked in the rush to condemn OP as lazy and profligate is that the DH has been controlling all the money, doing all the shopping etc, buying only branded food.

A PP said that a lunchtime assistant post could bring in £65/ week, but the OP could no doubt save that by taking over the shopping, meal planning, and cutting down on skincare etc, which is what she has suggested, and seems to me to be the most sensible thing to do.

Four children do take a fair amount of work. It’s pointless criticising her for having them, they’re here and no doubt the DH had something to do with their conception. I would think a proper look at the finances is the first place to start, then once the outgoings are pared back the OP will be in a better position to see if working is an absolute necessity. It may also be that if she has some input into the household expenses and achieves savings etc her confidence will increase, and she may start to feel more able to think about work.

Honestly it's people like the op who give loads of woman a bad name. Has four kids and has never really had a job and now is appalled that her dh has asked her to contribute financially.
She plans in switching brands so she doesn't have to work. Her poor poor dh.

This must be a wind up or even a reverse as I can't even fathom OP's mentality.

I've suffered from mental health issues. I'm on sertraline (dubious about the OP cause I know the doctors don't like breastfeeding mum's on citalopram due to the possible transfer to breastmilk- they moved me off it for that reason). I've had crippling gallbladder pain, nearly had an operation but controlled the pain through diet and Apple Cider Vinegar (no expensive procedures here).

She's also not answering people's comments. Just - 'I can budget, I can budget'. Why did you post if you're not interested in the comments?!

DH has been controlling all the money, doing all the shopping etc, buying only branded food.

Except OP had no interest in getting involved in any of that until asked to get a job. She only did as an out from getting a job.

I suffer with anxiety and going out to work is one of the few things that helps, to be honest.

I can see how working days or nights wouldn't work or be cost effective, but I don't see what is stopping you getting an evening or weekend job whilst DH does childcare. It could be a part time job as a way in to picking up more hours once the baby qualifies for nursery. You can express milk.

Do you drive? You could deliver takeaways or leaflets or medicines (my dad used to deliver prescriptions for Boots when he was between jobs). Do you have any skills you could do at home - use a sewing machine? take in ironing? matched betting?

Sell your clutter on Facebook. Do surveys with Prolific and the like. Mystery shopping. Hell, sign up as a film extra. It all depends where you live and what your skills are but there is loads of stuff out there. You could chip away at that debt without leaving your house really.

Aren't you concerned that you're not building up a pension or anything like that? It sounds miserable to me and I'd be anxious about that but then we appear to be poles apart OP.

Is this actually for real?

but the OP could no doubt save that by taking over the shopping, meal planning, and cutting down on skincare etc, which is what she has suggested, and seems to me to be the most sensible thing to do.

Yes. Absolutely, they should all go veggie and eat value range beans as thr much more sensible option rather than her working a few hours a week.

Totally.

A PP said that a lunchtime assistant post could bring in £65/ week, but the OP could no doubt save that by taking over the shopping, meal planning, and cutting down on skincare etc, which is what she has suggested, and seems to me to be the most sensible thing to do.
Yeah, and if she did both it would help even more! Agree about cilatopram too...most bf mothers are put onto sertraline. All v. odd.

Think the OP has had a pretty harsh time here - thought I was in AIBU for a moment! Im sure it does some peoples hearts good to shout 'get a job!' 'dont breed em if you cant feed em' but its not really practical or useful.
Ill state at the start that I am currently the single wage earner supporting our family, with DH taking on a SAHP role while he looks for work and failing that possibly retrains. So I know the stress of keeping it all going, while one person is at home.

From what has been said OP- you havent worked in 20 years, MH issues and anxiety, 4 children one breastfed, health issues which led to you going private and building up credit card debt, and DH who supports the family on one wage has suggested you get a job. From what youve said it also strikes me youve had little input into the family finances and decision making eg bills, shopping budget, and so havent really thought about how your personal spends fit in with that so they havent changed as the debt mounts up. You sound low in confidence, and in some ways that you might not be taking on a fully adult/partnership role with your DH eg not having the overview of the budget etc, possibly due to MH problems/anxiety etc
and perhaps its not just a case of 'get a job'' but change your role in the partnership with your DH? However these roles you are in have occured, its now an issue and hes asking for your help as a partner/to carry some of the load: and from what youve said hes been willing to help you when youve needed it over the years.

I think your idea about getting involved in the budget/utilities etc is a great one, it will help you in increasing your involvement and confidence and show him you are on the same page. Not a grudging 'Ill give up my treats' but taking on budgeting responsibility, the mental load of planning/shopping, decision making on the bigger things. Someone upthread suggested the boards on money saving expert or other sites where you make a statement of affairs and people can give advice on savings you might make - its surprising how helpful this can be as often we wander into financial problems through habit or inattention. Its also possible that something like this can help with some types of anxiety.

Might as well do this while you are planning for a job, but there is little point in work that doesn't pay more than childcare. Evenings, early mornings, weekends, or work from home are options but DH needs to be on board with childcare, and it may not come instantly, and geography limits things. Stockpicking, kitchen work, care work might be good MW jobs if you had somewhere near and getting into some work wont only help the budget but your confidence. But maybe a bigger plan: what do you want to be doing when that 10 month old goes to school? What qualifications and skills do you have?

Really hope you and your DH are able to work together to get through this, and good luck.

Tell DH that you want to fully understand the responsibility of family life. Work out a budget together, and see how much you need to make to cover current cost of living. Treat the debt separately.

You aren't going to get a job that covers childcare costs, so have to look at times when he is there to look after the children. You could do early morning cleaning, so he manages the mornings until you get home for the baby. You could do an overnight shelf filling job at a supermarket. A friend does that, it's well paid and laid back- very few customers.

It's worth giving it a try, you may feel better and be a bit less dependent on him. Remember, you can stop if it doesn't work- think about trying it for a month.

Most families with 4 dcs watch their grocery budget as well as working outside the home. The OP is unlikely to save £65 a week by switching to smartprice beans. She might save £20, plus maybe £7 on face cream and hair (more if she goes cold turkey). In addition she could add extra by working. It’s not either or.

I feel sympathy for you OP. I am a SAHM to two young children, a baby and a preschooler and I have no desire to return to work... nor would it be financially beneficial to us. It may bring in about 20 quid a month after nursery fees if that. We have no family in this country who could provide any childcare. My husband works 12 hr days and random shifts so it would be hard and stressful to work around him.
Thankfully we are on the same page about it. He did suggest maybe going back to work and we looked into it but I didnt really want to and as we wouldn't benefit financially that much from it he agreed I did not need to.
We are by no means wealthy but my not working allows my husband to work whatever hours he gets offered for far more money than I would be able to earn. He never has to worry about the children as I am always there for anything relating to them.
I think some men underestimate the value of this and also underestimate the amount of work that goes in to caring for children and the house. Is he going to step up in this regard if he wishes you to return to work? Because essentially he will lose a worker for himself, you who have been caring for his kids and home... can he actually cover that work?

With that many kids that young you are really going to struggle with you back at work without any outside help other than however much nursery you can afford. And this will be for not very much money as a reward. It's not massively sensible really despite what other pp are saying....
Yes you are struggling because you have more kids than you can afford but that is a decision both of you made so I dont see why pp are all feeling sorry for your partner at all!!
I dont think you are a female cocklodger and I do sympathise because I can see you have been trapped in a situation which is of both your AND his making and yet he is trying to blame you and make out you could easily do something about it. Fact is you taking on a job is not actually likely to help your situation now that you gave had this many kids together and you dont have a career to return to. Youd be on minimum wage and it would barely cover childcare... the tiny amount if extra money is unlikely to be helpful compared to extra level of stress and logistical chaos you are going to face arranging childcare, working round each other and trying to be there for the kids.

@Rudgie47

It was me who said about the care work.

And I should know as I've worked in care for 11 years

I doubt the op would have an issue. I've worked in places where school leavers are accepted, people who have been stay at home parents for many years, etc. Care jobs usually provide on the job training. Criminal record checks are done but I've known many who have a record and are still accepted (me included!!).

It's a hard job with shit pay though.

On other threads it’s nearly always said that having 4 children is a full time job. Therefore surely budgeting is the first thing she should do as it can be done from home. We also have no idea if the OP has had no interest in the household expenses etc, or if he DH is controlling, and has let her have nothing to do with them.

Food budgeting is not all about eating beige economy crap, or purely veggie, it’s much more about planning properly.

We really know far too little about the whole set-up, or where they live. If the live rurally there may well be very few jobs; not everyone lives in the prosperous South East.

But as the OP has not been back with salient information people are making too many assumptions, and I have been shocked by by the way she’s been attacked. And I speak as a mother of four who did work full time taking sometimes only 5 weeks maternity leave (which I now regret).

No sympathy OP. AFTER this debt was accrued, at a time when it seems like you had 3 children of nursery voucher or school age, you have chosen to have another child. THAT was the point at which you quite obviously should have been getting a job, paying off the debt (in literally no time at all as the debt would have been much less then if you've only been making minimum payments) and the adding to your family once you were all afloat again.

But now, it is what it is. You need to cut back where possible and look for a small job. Nothing too stressful, a few hours cleaning here and there, stacking shelves or even being a bloody Avon lady. But do it alongside budgeting and plough everything into the debt.

You owe your DH and your children this much. And hey, you may find you enjoy a few hours to yourself.

You blatently just don't want to work be that due to fear or due to downright laziness. Life is tough as a working mum, and probably fairly tough for your DH as a working dad given your health problems in recent years, but why should you be exempt from pulling your weight?

Having read most of this stream of advice, I would only say that for your own self asteem and fulfilment regardless of what short term fix you cobble together now, that you will benefit from going to work as soon as the last child is in school. I really regret not getting back into full time work when I was young enough to grasp the digital age, I’m so far out of the loop now on the higher technical applications I just cant get back in..
I’m only thankful that husband and I have our own company now, I’m not full time but i save him a part timers wage and I’m involved in it and with him more.
In earning a wage now I have an equal say in everything which I felt I did not before
Good. luck

Why on earth did you have four kids you couldn't afford??? I really cannot understand this mentality at all. Selfish

I really think weekend work is the realistic option in this scenario. A lot of nurseries and childminders have AM/PM sessions and a lunch time assistant job would cut across both. I know it varies according to area, I'm fairly rural but weekend only cleaning jobs do come up.

How can a mother whos looking after 4 kids with a husband who agreed to all this years ago be a cocklodger?

I hope you get something job wise OP, come back and let us know how your getting on.