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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 12/01/2019 21:56

@Shitmewithyourrhythmstick why so focussed on the breastfeeding? I've breastfed all my 4 on demand, but by 10 months you can guarantee to go at least 2-3 hours between feeds (and usually far far more), easily enough to do a couple of hours of ironing in the evening, or dog walking, or delivering pamphlets round the neighborhood with the baby in a buggy and toddler on a buggy board. If she could face it and her DH can care for the DCs, she could also earn more with some shifts in retail or similar on the weekends, or cleaning.
Yes, none of these will make them rich but with £4000 debt and falling behind on repayments, an extra £40 a week for a 4-5 hours of ironing would be £2000+ per year.
Or of course she could make her DH work harder and go veggie Hmm

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 21:58

And the people here who said you should get a job obviously don’t understand about sleep deprivation and how hard it is to juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis! x

How offensive to every single working mother on here. Particularly the single ones. You should be ashamed.

ginandnappies · 12/01/2019 21:59

@Knight77 I work, I have an 18 month old and struggle with keeping the house running smoothly as my partner works away. I'm exhausted, stressed and fed up but do I have a choice? No. So I get on with it, like ALOT of women do. Ridiculous comment.

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Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 21:59

knight Ok I only have two but I get how hard it is to work with kids. But I do it because bills need paid, and I work shifts not finishing till 3 am etc.

But she isnt being asked to do nightshift, just work enough hours to bring some income in to get them out of the shit. Given that she hasn’t worked in 20 years, that’s not unreasonable.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 12/01/2019 22:01

knight how unbelievably offensive to all of us working parents out there.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 12/01/2019 22:01

RandomMess Freudian Slip? Grin

GinUnicorn · 12/01/2019 22:01

Honestly OP if you are still reading I think it’s aboit more than the money. I think your dh is asking for support because he feels stressed being the sole earner with debts.

Understandably it’s nerve wracking especially as it has been so long but cutting back on luxury’s and also contributing I think will help your relationship.

There are some great suggestions of jobs you could take on without too much disruption (ironing, babysitting, dog walking, cleaning)

Hopefully you will find a balence that works for you all.

MyOtherProfile · 12/01/2019 22:02

And the people here who said you should get a job obviously don’t understand about sleep deprivation and how hard it is to juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis!
Yup. Cos none of us have ever worked and had kids. What do we know, eh?

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 12/01/2019 22:04

Again stuckfor, the mention of breastfeeding wasn't to suggest it means OP can't work. It was to point out that this is one big difference between her and a male SAHD, particularly given that her sleep is being interrupted due to bf nearly all night and there's a link between poor sleep and MH problems, and then to deal with some strawmanning thereafter.

MotherOfDragonite · 12/01/2019 22:04

You're not unusual at all, most mums of four children would struggle to fit in any paid employment without a nanny (which of course you have to be earning a certain amount as a family to afford).

If your DH is insistent that this has to happen, can you task him to source the childcare (either him doing it, or finding and paying for somebody else doing it?) You are both responsible for the children, not just you, and if he wants you to be busy job-hunting then I think it would be fair for him to take this on. Also, when the childcare becomes his responsibility, then he'll have a clearer view of whether it feels worthwhile to him for you to work...

artisanscotcheggs · 12/01/2019 22:04

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Frequency · 12/01/2019 22:05

And the people here who said you should get a job obviously don’t understand about sleep deprivation and how hard it is to juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis!

Um, I work 7am until 11:30pm some days because I finish one job and go straight to the next and do the same the next. Somewhere between that I fit college, house work, parenting and walking the dog. Don't tell me I don't understand sleep deprivation.

OP needs to work. You cant just opt out of providing for the family because you had a baby.

Blackboot · 12/01/2019 22:06

The OP needs to get a grip and go to work like the rest of us. If she is is genuinely unable to work due to illness she needs to get certified as such and draw whatever benefits she is entitled to. She is in debt and needs to face up to this.

DragonMamma · 12/01/2019 22:06

Fucking hell.

Just get a job OP. You haven’t worked since you were a teen and presumably you’re mid to late twenties now.

You simply can’t afford to have 4 kids on an average wage. You are being extremely unreasonable to expect your DH/P to support you all.

You want to see your DC at weekends? What happened if your DH wanted to see your kids in the week? Would you support him going PT to do this?...didn’t think so.

I know tonnes of families that work opposing shifts to make ends meet and give their kids a good life. Their family life is limited to annual leave and bank holidays but they accept this as they chose to have FOUR kids in relatively quick succession.

The MN double standards astound me sometimes, if this was a man who was posting he would be roasted.

Just get a bloody job.

Knight77 · 12/01/2019 22:07

Fair enough. But she does have a choice. And yes if you’re a single mother it is bloody hard as my sister is, but that isn’t the issue here is it? Breastfeeding is hard work and takes a lot out of you, as well as sleepless nights. If they can live within their means and look at ways at cutting back than every bit helps.

MotherOfDragonite · 12/01/2019 22:07

I have two children, one at school, and it's bloody hard to manage to work as well as take care of all the 'wifework' that needs to happen -- lunches, pick ups, sick children, clothing, food, cleaning. Even with a supportive husband, you've got a lot on your plate with four. I sympathise, and I see how tough it must be just to cope with what you've got to manage, nevermind take on more.

Would a job be a break for you in some way, though?

And yy, definitely stop with the hair cuts every 8 weeks and the expensive skin regime. Get a low-maintenance cut you can grow out and get it done every 4 months maximum. And ditch the skincare, use something cheap, £30 a month is a lot in your circumstances.

BakerBear · 12/01/2019 22:08

It would be very hard for you to get a job with no qualification, work experience or paid employment in 20 years.

When people advertise for a cleaner they want references and cleaning experience. No one is going to employ a cleaner who has no cleaning experience before.

Retail work now want previous retail experience plus the interview is a role play one which you may struggle to do if you have no experience of dealing with customers and have anxiety.

If you do find a job it will be min wage and therefore the cost of childcare would outweigh what you would earn.

You have got more kids than you can afford but thats irrelevent now as there is nothing you can do about that.

Your dh knew he would have more to support with every child you had.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 12/01/2019 22:08

Given the way credit checks pick up on things like missed payments, I highly doubt that a balance transfer to a 0%card is going to be realistic. I also wonder what job the Dh does? Some jobs require you to be on top of your finances and missed credit card payments could be a problem - if the Dh works for a bank, for example. Maybe he's had some sort of warning and needs to show he's on top of the financial situation.
Lots of mums do not take a full year off when they have a baby. OP really needs to start looking for work of some kind.

PatricksRum · 12/01/2019 22:08

Unless there is a medical or emotional reason the child can't be weaned, there is no reason they should be breastfeed at likely a year old

Not necessarily. I will continue to breastfeed till 2 if all goes well and will also get nutrition from food at 1. It's not going to stop OP from getting a job, OP clearly doesn't want to as there is excuse after excuse.

DragonMamma · 12/01/2019 22:09

Before I get slammed, I worked 4 nights a week with 2 small DC to save on childcare costs. It’s what you do to support your family. I also cooked, cleaned and all the rest of it.

Were we tires? Of course. But you suck it up because when you’re a parent you have to.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 12/01/2019 22:09

The list of benefits that a person with a MH problem and a partner working full time will be entitled to is a pretty short one. I presume the family are getting child benefit, but do you not know about the PIP assessment situation right now?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 12/01/2019 22:09

knight it's not just her choice though is it? Her DH isn't happy having to be the sole financial provider for the family which means she needs to get a job.

Ylvamoon · 12/01/2019 22:10

And the people here who said you should get a job obviously don’t understand about sleep deprivation and how hard it is to juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis!

Ahhm! I don't think so. I work & I have a family. My DH works 12 hour shifts ... I used to work part time until I was made redundant. Now I am working full time (& earn less per hour) with a 45 min commute each way... I (We) juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis! It is really not that uncommon for both parents to work.
As for sleep deprivation: I went back to work when youngest was 8 months old ... he didn't sleep through the night till about 20 mounts... It's not as uncommon as you think.
1000's of families are in exactly the same boat.

PatricksRum · 12/01/2019 22:10

And again, the 10 month old baby is not entirely dependent on breast milk for nourishment.

How do you know? @MyNameIsNotSteven

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 12/01/2019 22:10

OP this post is basically the female equivalent of a typical MN cocklodger complaint. You've run up over 4k of debt, albeit necessary debt, not worked since you were a teenager, had a fourth child that you can't really afford and are now whinging about your anxiety and how you don't want to work. Grow the fuck up!

No one wants to work. I have Anxiety too. And Depression and PTSD all diagnosed by a psychiatrist and all being treated with meds that mean I need 4 alarms to wake me and keep me awake long enough to get ready for work at 9.30 I tried to kill myself recently. Was in hospital for two weeks. As soon as I was discharged, I was back at work. That's what you do when you have family to support and bills to pay. So I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for you whatsoever. You're taking the piss.