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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
SD1978 · 12/01/2019 21:29

10 months is t a young baby anymore. I'm going to assume that you've both been responsibile for these debts. Your hand and has asked you to help reduce them. You reckon you can reduce outgoings- so do that and work weekends. It wouldn't be forever. Your child is ten months old and on solids- so won't starve if you do a six hour shift. I'm sorry- but you're being very selfish. Whilst I can understand you don't want to always work, for a year doing this to sort your family out is more than reasonable, and your excuses not so much. Many people have to sacrifice time with their children to actually be able to afford their children. You have a large family that you can't afford on soley one wage. That means both of you need to financially contribute, at least temporarily

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 12/01/2019 21:29

The baby can't be a red herring when he or she is the major reason OP is going to find it difficult to find work during school hours that will improve the family finances. If it were just the three school age kids to worry about that would make the task much easier, especially as there's house cleaning work locally.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 21:29

Unless there is a medical or emotional reason the child can't be weaned, there is no reason they should be breastfeed at likely a year old when it causes a family to be financially struggling. And plenty of women work unsociable hours and breastfeed. It's not an excuse to not work. Never has been never will.

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Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 21:32

shit She doesn’t need to look for a school hours as I agree that the cost of childcare won’t help the situation. But she needs to look for SOMETHING. SHe has had 20 years to get a job, she isn’t not working because of the baby.

MidnightBlue28 · 12/01/2019 21:37

Have you sat down with your husband and had a serious talk as to why he is so insistent that you need to get a job now (not saying that you should or shouldn’t get a job; that’s not my place, not when I don’t know all the facts or his reasoning)?

Do you think that perhaps something might be happening at his work? Reduced hours, threats of redundancies, bullying?

Just a thought...

SophieLouise93 · 12/01/2019 21:37

I'd day ignore people saying you need to get a job, it's not as easy at that, my partner works full time and I'm on bank so I work as and when they need which is very rarely, I want to get a part time/full time job but if the childcare costs are just gonna wipe my wage out then no I won't go back to work, what's the point, my partner understands this and your OH needs to understand things from your point of view, so if sit down and talk with him about it

RhubarbTea · 12/01/2019 21:38

ONLY 35k? Hahahaha. If i was able to earn that, I might actually be able to buy a house.

OP, I think cleaning work would be best for you. Explore this in addition to budgeting, start with a few houses/hours and build up and you will gain a feeling of relief and happiness to be contributing and paying down what is, to be fair, your debt. Good luck.

Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 21:41

sophie so what do you suggest? They are in debt, falling behind in payments and the op hasn’t worked in 20 years.

His point of view is just as valid, if not more than the op’s.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 12/01/2019 21:41

While your baby is so young and breastfeeding I realistically think you need to be home, most mums are on mat leave at this stage.

This is such bollocks. Mums who can afford to take a year's maternity leave may still be at home, but very many, myself included, are back at work out of necessity, breastfeeding or not. And again, the 10 month old baby is not entirely dependent on breast milk for nourishment.

RandomMess · 12/01/2019 21:41

So he's basically cocklodger....

I'd rather be a single parent with 50:50 shared care...

derxa · 12/01/2019 21:41

It's heart warming to see all this advice. As if the OP was ever going to listen to it. Confused

RandomMess · 12/01/2019 21:42

Eek wrong thread Blush

Snappedandfarted2019 · 12/01/2019 21:43

I have three dc and work evenings and weekends as a swimming teacher. It works around my dh full time working hours. So there’s definitely jobs out there. I also got job offer for two interviews for care work in people homes and also bar work before I took the job I am currently doing and done the necessary training required.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 12/01/2019 21:44

Once again bluntness, the relevance of breastfeeding here isn't that it makes work impossible. That's a strawman. It's that it means this was an unwise choice for a gender reverse claim. Nor is it the breastfeeding that's causing the family to financially struggle. If the baby were weaned, or this was a SAHD situation, there'd still be a person with MH issues and pretty much zero work experience trying to find a job in an area where there's not much other than cleaning, and where they'd need to cover childcare costs for a baby in order to turn a profit.

OP isn't not working because of the baby nicknacky but that doesn't make the baby a red herring. I quite agree that she does need to make a plan to get back into the workplace and have said so several times, but it's going to need some tactical thinking and possibly a more long term approach. It's very unlikely to happen how DH seems to think it could.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 12/01/2019 21:46

littlecloud what world do you live in where it's not worth going to work for anything under £60k?

I'm senior academic earning less than £60k. Should I not bother?

Meowandthen · 12/01/2019 21:46

You have a load of debt but still had a fourth child? That sounds irresponsible and it sounds as if it is also an excuse not to work. All I have read here are excuses as to why you don’t want to contribute financially.

RebelWitchFace · 12/01/2019 21:46

@SophieLouise93 what happens if 10 years down the line when you've been out of the workforce so long something happens to your OH? Do you have a plan B(savings,life insurance,own home outright etc)?

That's why I started working as soon as I could. OH didn't mind me being a SAHM, we were doing okish but I was very aware that he won't be able to work in the field he's in indefinitely,or get a great pension so it would eventually come down to me. And I'd much rather have (any ) work history and experience behind me than nothing when that time comes.

Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 21:47

She starts looking now, longer term plans can be made once she is back in work.

The bills need paid now, not in 1/2/3 years.

homebirds · 12/01/2019 21:47

My dd breastfed for 4 years - I was back at work full time when she was 6 months. We needed the money - it never crossed my mind to question whether going back was an option - I just had to work out how best to make it work for everyone. Yes it was hard for a few years but that's just life isn't it?

MortyVicar · 12/01/2019 21:49

While the DH might have said 'during school hours' perhaps that's the only thing he thought of. PPs have made plenty of other suggestions - and those saying he wants OP to work AND do all the childcare, it hasn't been discussed so he can't have offered an opinion yet. If that is really what he wants then yes, he IBU. But let's find out first.

However I suspect we can all sit here and type till the cows come home, OP didn't get the response she wanted and is long gone. But maybe what she read before she went might have given her food for thought.

Ollivander84 · 12/01/2019 21:53

My second job is as a home carer/support worker. V flexible. I do 40hrs mon - fri at my FT job and then evenings and weekends as a carer

RavenWings · 12/01/2019 21:53

If this was a man posting the term cock lodger would be being bandied about with gleeful abandon. With the majority agreeing that's what he was, and a few saying no, don't work, you need to provide for him.It's always the reverse.when the genders are reversed. For some a woman who doesn't and has never worked is ok, but when it's a man, it's very different.

Absolutely, it's always the same - no matter what he would be in the wrong. Same thing goes on with stepmothers.

Anyway, OP is in the wrong here for many reasons that have been stated, but let's be honest she's not interested in hearing them. She just wants affirmation that she's right.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 12/01/2019 21:54

I would certainly look at what's available now, make an informed decision, but the reality is that OP is not necessarily going to be able to increase the household income by working at this point in time. If she can't, then this isn't affected by whether bills need paying now or not. If she's to be able to, then the chances of this will be greatly increased by her not restricting herself to school hours, which is the only information we have so far about what DH is interested in.

But the good news is that children in childcare get cheaper after two, and free hours will be available in 2 years and 3 months. Thus, in the long term it will become an easier task.

Ollivander84 · 12/01/2019 21:54

Oh and I get the anxiety part. I take medication for depression, generalised anxiety disorder and PTSD. But I'm single so 🤷🏽‍♀️ I have to work

Knight77 · 12/01/2019 21:56

No you shouldn’t have to work as you’re working full time as it is! And the people here who said you should get a job obviously don’t understand about sleep deprivation and how hard it is to juggle children, housework, meals, washing, shopping on a daily basis! x x