Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

If you go to the find a job website and go to advanced search, your area and part-time, it will show any part-time jobs in your area. There may be some evening ones or weekend ones just a few hours each week.

If this was a man posting the term cock lodger would be being bandied about with gleeful abandon. With the majority agreeing that's what he was, and a few saying no, don't work, you need to provide for him.

It's always the reverse.when the genders are reversed. For some a woman who doesn't and has never worked is ok, but when it's a man, it's very different.

You need to get a job.

Not necessarily Bluntness. He might be praised for taking a back step in his career so that the op could thrive in the world of work and commended on doing a wonderful job of looking after a baby and three children.

It just would depend on which way the wind was blowing that day.

How could he be praised for taking a back seat in his career if he's never worked and has no intention of. There is no career to take a backseat in,

And those threads always go thr same way. The op is not someone who took a back seat in her career to care for kids, she's never worked, she's never trained for anything and would rather turn her family veggie than get a job.

I have four DC and was a SAHM for 12 years because of the cost of childcare. It’s only now I only need childcare for two that it’s made it worthwhile to go back to work.

I was lucky in that I had a degree and could do a post grad in teaching which suited us with school holidays etc.

It’s so hard when you don’t have family to help with childcare. I did have a Saturday job for a bit in Next when I was breastfeeding DD2.

If this was a man posting, he wouldn't be breastfeeding. Which is quite a significant part of this set of circumstances.

But that aside, if a man were the main carer to a baby, and was also doing the wraparound and holiday childcare for 3 older DC, with that employment history and MH problems, and had a wife who wanted him to get a school hours term time job, there would be a great many posts pointing out the implausibility of this and they would almost certainly drown out any cries of cocklodger. I mean really, where are all these posts calling SAHDs of babies cocklodgers?

Please don't play rhe breastfeeding card to a whole lot of mums, and breastfeeding a ten month old, who would like be a year by the time she started any job, is a choice not a necessity in most cases.

And yes, news flash, breastfeeding mums work too.

There have been threads where OP was resentful for being the main/sole earner because the husband was made redundant/had health problems/had a mental breakdown. The majority of answers sympathised, that he has kids to support and can't afford to be at home, shouted cocklodger and for the husband to step up or move out .

The baby is a bit of a red herring. The op has NEVER worked.

She needs to make an effort now to look for work. No, it won’t be easy but she has to at least try and show effort and willing to support her family instead of relying on her H to do it when he is clearly struggling.

Exactly , both people have to agree to someone not working. It's not an entitlement one gets by way of giving birth,

And yes when it's a man who has never worked and refuses to work and the female op wants him to get a job, the answer is always overwhelmingly he's a cocklodget.

When I applied for care work the requirement was your current or most recent employer IF you have one and a personal reference from a professional e.g. GP, kid's teacher, health visitor or two personal references if the applicant has no work history then three personal references are asked for.

With four kids OP must have more than three professionals in her life.

Her DP no longer wants yo be the sole earner. She needs to find a job. Bluntness is right. If the OP was a man she would have been torn to shreds for refusing to support her family. I don't see the difference just because she's a woman. She is equally responsible for creating the kids. She's equally responsible for paying for them.

Now, with 4 young children and a 10 month old baby, he is pressuring OP to get a job. Why now?

Why not now @RaisinsRaisins ?
He's supported her financially for 20years. He may be anxious himself. He may be on the edge of a breakdown himself. He may be exhausted. He may be worried about redundancy or short hours. We don't know.
what we do know, is that he has asked for help.
Maybe, 20 years ago, when the OP had her crisis, he thought 'supporting her' meant supporting her for the next year or two. Not 20 years on when they are in debt. Obviously, through being a SAHP for a number of years, it has meant that , as a couple, they have saved on a lot of childcare. It was probably the right decision when the first child was born, but what most posters are pointing out is that it doesn't have to be a decision between 'not earning anything ' and 'working full time'. There have plenty of suggestions throughout this thread for things that could bring you in £100 - £300 a month (ironing, dog walking, babysitting, care work, pub work, supermarket work, other shop or cafe work). People have pointed out you could do one day at the weekend, or a couple of full evenings, or an hour+ each night (a personal care shift, helping someone get to bed for example), or you could work from home. All without paying for childcare.

Combine that with cutting your outgoings, and you are all better off.

Could you look at childminding op? Even just one child would give you an income and you'd still be at home with the baby

It depends on your earning potential imo.
If you can only earn £35k a year then not much point what with all the kidmin but if you could earn 60k + then yes.

Op how much is your debt? If the debt is in your name and under a certain amount you can get a debt relief order... take a look at the 'step Change' website

It depends on your earning potential imo.
If you can only earn £35k a year then not much point

Wow. I earn just over that as a teacher at the very top of my pay scale. I would hardly say there was ‘not much point’ in me working.

The posters who are agreeing with OP, are clearly the same as her. Lazy and far too quick to procreate without thinking through if they can afford to do so.

Ha ha ha. No. Could not be further from the truth actually.

School hour jobs basically don’t exist. They’re few and far between. You’d have to work in a school really but wouldn’t earn much if you took a job as a lunchtime assistant or even teaching assistant. Plus you’d have nursery fees for the baby to consider and it would likely wipe out anything you earned.

While your baby is so young and breastfeeding I realistically think you need to be home, most mums are on mat leave at this stage... If it really is dire straits you may have to consider a weekend job but I would definitely do your suggestion of cutting luxuries down first.

only £35k?

I wish people would at least read the op’s posts rather than repeating things that were said at the beginning of the thread.

Pointing out that a baby who is breastfeeding most of the evening and night changes the circumstances significantly from those of a male primary carer is not playing a breastfeeding card, it's a statement of fact. That this means her circumstances are different to those of a male primary carer is also a fact. Like it or not. You should also not confuse mention with the fact that the baby is being breastfed with a suggestion that it's the breastfeeding, rather than the lack of work experience and childcare costs, that make getting a job during school hours that will make improving the family income likely. Breastfeeding is merely one of the reasons why this wasn't a particularly bright thread to try a gender reverse argument on.

And once again, if there are threads where the general tone is calling SAHDs of babies and three older children cocklodgers, let's see them.

Littlecloud odfod

£35k is a good wage (in places other than mumsnet world), but when childcare will cost £25k (and obviously that would be after tax) then £35k-tax-NI-costs of working (commuting, work clothes, etc)-childcare=not very bloody much.

If you can only earn £35k a year then not much point

I don't even earn half of that.
And somehow there is a point to it, especially when OH's car died and it was my savings covering the (very) cheap costs of a new one.