Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

I think while the baby is still breastfeeding it is reasonable to be a SAHM, especially if you have worked out ways to economise. Why can't DH do overtime if he is desperate to shift debts?

Why can't DH do overtime if he is desperate to shift debts?

This is so far out of order while the OP is choosing not do any paid work at all.

If you have low confidence, not working likely exacerbates that. It is scary looking for work when you've barely ever held a job, but regardless of the debt issue, you sound like you could really do with a job for your own sake. The wage, in some ways, is secondary although you obviously can't afford to take on something that doesn't cover expenses at the moment. Suggest starting with an evening cleaning job and then move on to something with more interaction with people and once you have some free childcare look into getting some skills and developing a career that will pay better. You are in a very vulnerable situation but you have options to improve it if you stop looking to the sahm role as an escape from responsibility for yourself..

Why can't DH do overtime if he is desperate to shift debts?

Because he already works bloody full-time and OP hasn't done any paid employment in over twenty years!

Jesus Christ. If this was a man who hadn't worked since his teens the answers to this thread would be VERY different.

Why can't DH do overtime...?

Oh, I don't know - perhaps HE wants to see HIS children occasionally?

corona Holy fuck, so he has to work even more hours, see his kids less and get more stressed than he is already rather than his wife actually try and find a job herself?

He’s just asking her to contribute.

In theory you both agreed to have a 4th chd, the understanding if you're fully breastfeeding is that you will be home with the baby for feeds until they wean.
If he wants you to work whilst he's at work then you need to counter balance possible earnings vs childcare, formula, travel and reductioms in benefits.

On the other hand you've only worked for a few years in nearly 20 years of working age, you has no idea of what your outgoing were, what you in comings were as a family and seemingly had no interest.

How were you not aware that you were in financial difficulties and if you were, then help budget and cut costs accordingly? You're a mother of 4 not just someone for your husband to be fully responsible for

I think offering an ironing service is a good idea. A friend did this and it was so popular she had to employ 2 others to help her. She lives in a commuter town.

Fwiw I agree that bringing up 4 kids is work. But I can understand why your DH is panicking.

Oh and op, care work is probably your best bet. Lots of evening and weekend work, no experience or qualifications needed and loads of places are crying out for staff.

Someone asked up thread if people think looking after four children is a picnic.

No. It's not. Which is just one of the reasons why most people don't have four children. Expense is the other main reason.

One of the most obvious and simple immediate things you can do is sort out reliable - nay, permanent - contraception.

I honestly don't think a non-skilled, low qualified person with 4 children, including a baby, is going to be able to find employment that pays more than childcare. You just won't.

However, if I were you OP, I'd be categorically not getting pregnant again, and I'd be planning to work the second DC4 starts school.

Haven’t RTFT but there are a lot of posters commenting on why the OP decided to have four children when in financial difficulty. Last time I checked it took two to make a baby. Why the assumption that the OP took the decision alone to avoid working? If her DH was worried about money he could also have taken a decision to not have any more kids

OP, I think you've been through a lot.

Gallstones sound awful and of course if you're in agony and unable to do anything due to the pain, you will seek the earliest possible treatment. Of course you would want to be rid of the pain - and caring for your family again. I don't see how forcing you to wait for many months longer would have benefited anyone.

When it comes to the pricey cosmetics and haircuts, yes, you certainly need to economise. And yes, you could have done so before, but you can't turn the clocks back. Definitely get to know your household budget in detail and keep track of all spending.

Piling on the guilt may, for some people, kick them into action. But in your case it could have the reverse effect, if it weighs you down, drags your self esteem lower, making it harder for you to sort out your spending and confidence. This is one of the reasons I think you should be kind to yourself.

Mental illness can be anything from very mild (goes away with little or no treatment) to very severe (e.g. suicide, being sectioned), and a one-off isn't at all the same as a lifelong difficulty. Only you know what it is (and has been) really like for you.

If someone else has had MH issues yet held down 4 jobs simultaneously whilst being a full time mother of octuplets, sailing round the world and winning the X Factor, good for them. But people throwing guilt at you is not going to magically turn you into that person.

If you launch yourself into too much too soon, it could backfire. So take things a small step at a time. I can understand your fears and self-protection. Having mental illness as a young person can decimate your self-esteem and suddenly the world is a hostile and frightening place.

CBT helps some, but others need years of in-depth therapy. Even then, this isn't a panacea and it doesn't mean you've failed if you still struggle. All you can do is find as much help as you need at any time. Don't hesitate to ask for help and support from everywhere possible.

10 months is still a young baby IMO, and it may well be that childcare costs would make many jobs unaffordable. I think free part time nursery places are from age 2 now (used to be 3). Meanwhile use your time to find support, and your initiative to find creative ways to increase your income. Push yourself but not so hard you crash.

Good luck

@coronapop , so a man who is clearly stressed being the sole earner should become even more stressed by working extra hours ??
OP- I had a friend in a very similar situation who didn’t want to go back to work but her DH insisted so she took in ironing and also walked a couple of dogs . I also did shelf stacking when my children were tiny so there are possibilities.

Your husband is shouldering all the financial burden while you buy skincare products and have hair cuts etc. You've accrued debt and continued to have children. You need to work weekends until you're no longer in debt.

OP. If you want any help or advice on setting up as self employed, please do PM me and I can send you links or help you complete the online forms.

I am an accountant so can easily help you. I have also suffered with anxiety and depression in the past so I understand how overwhelming it can be sometimes. But I also know that I had no choice but to get on with it after my marriage ended, so I know that it can be done!

A PP suggested adhoc help for OAP's etc, I think that is also a great idea. You could put leaflets around local villages (my friend did that for her home beauty business), or advertise on facebook local selling pages for cleaning, ironing, home help, etc.

Just start out small, only take on what you can easily do in school hours/evenings and see how it goes. It will get you into contact with people and hopefully build up your confidence and your self esteem as well.

I think that you need to accept that life is going to change and start looking for evening cleaning/bar/shop work. As PPs have said, your DH appears to be carrying the mental load in this relationship and it isn't fair, or sustainable.

There are millions of people, myself included, who are on medication for anxiety and depression, and who work because they have no choice.

Your family can't afford for you to stay at home any longer. As difficult as change is, you can and will cope.

A life without treats, haircuts or anything approaching a luxury sounds like a miserable existence, and one that can be avoided. Does your DH also have the option to decide that he doesn't fancy working and take 20 years off?

Welcome to MN OP

OP, a bit off on a tangent here but I bet you could make the £4100 through selling stuff on eBay, FaceBook etc? Selling baby bits, baby clothes, old phones etc etc - could be a good clear-out and you could pay all monies straight off your credit cards. I am a SAHM and if you can be bothered to do this it is amazing how much all the £5, £10 etcs add up to!

You need to get a job and start contributing.

Do you keep having children to try and avoid working? I advise care work, a few lunch calls a couple of days a week and tea and bed calls a couple of days and every other weekend working, would barely cost anything in childcare, you would see your children lots, any care company would be happy to have you and you would develop skills and confidence.

For people saying care work is this ladies best bet don't realize that the staff need references and a full checkable employment history etc.The recruiters go on courses about safer recruitment run by the safeguarding board /council etc.This is one of the points that's made.

Her husband chose to have 4 children with her, so shes looked after them and run the home etc. If he didn't like it he should have said early on in the marriage that he wanted her to work etc. He needs to support her with it and maybe she needs to go back to college if she cant get anything. The world and his wife want part time jobs.

I love to see where are these mythical evening jobs are?

In my local area there are 2 gastro pups looking for weekend & evening staff - I drive past the big signs every day.
There is also a huge shortage of care staff ... they even offer free training to NVQ level 3. - most hours available are weekend / evening - no qualifications needed.
My company is currently looking for p/t staff 4 hours / day five days/ week. We all work very flexible - for that you need excellent written communication skills.
All offer above min wage - and that is just off my head. I'm sure if I was digging / looking I'd find more.

How would you feel if your DH decided he wasn’t going to work any more?

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but what I did read infuriated me.

You've admitted it's your debt

But you want to try and budget what must be your DH income?

GET A JOB!

If roles were reversed everyone would be slating the bloke for not working.

You can express milk if it's breastfeeding issue