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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
heartyrebel · 12/01/2019 19:35

When I was a sahm, I'd sell stuff on ebay to subsidise treats for myself like clothes, while we were on a tight budget. Can you have a cleanout and every day list a few items to sell?

Tractortod · 12/01/2019 19:36

Your husband is shouldering all the financial burden while you buy skincare products and have hair cuts etc. You've accrued debt and continued to have children. You need to work weekends until you're no longer in debt.

ShadyLady53 · 12/01/2019 19:36

Yep, loads of evening jobs near me too. LOADS of care jobs, corner shops, supermarkets, pubs, bars, restaurants, fish and chip shops, takeaways, cleaning offices, care homes, domestic jobs in hospital and primary care, couriers etc

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
Elfinablender · 12/01/2019 19:36

2 gastro pups looking for weekend & evening staff

It's a dog's life.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2019 19:37

For people saying care work is this ladies best bet don't realize that the staff need references and a full checkable employment history etc

That's not true, there is a full dbs check but there is a huge shortage of personal care staff and most homes provide training. My daughter did it in her uni holiday, basically first proper job other than a cash in hand at local pub with no reference,

But it's hard work, no doubt about it

MillicentSnitch · 12/01/2019 19:37

I agree about selling stuff - no fees with local Facebook groups.

PepsiLola · 12/01/2019 19:37

If my DH was upset about money I would actually try and help! He's asked you to get a job

Palaver1 · 12/01/2019 19:38

He wants her to start working his worn.out tired fed up.

DotForShort · 12/01/2019 19:38

It can be extremely stressful to be the sole breadwinner in a family. That is my current situation, and our family is smaller than the OP's (fortunately, my DH has just found a part-time job which has the potential to become full-time). I can't imagine how overwhelming it would feel to be the single wage earner in a family of six and to be in debt as well.

I think it only makes sense for you to find paid work of some kind, OP. Having a SAHP really is a luxury that many people cannot afford, and it sounds as though your circumstances have changed enough (a fourth child, a fairly hefty debt) that staying at home is no longer viable for you.

How old are the other children?

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 19:38

OP have you been diagnosed and do you get any benefits from it at all because either

you have and you get the benefits in which case work would not be a good idea

or

you havent. If you havent why not. and if its because you cant you need to think about starting to get a small cleaning job a couple of hours a week (see if there are any weekend jobs around or early morning jobs) that can fit in with life

Whocansay · 12/01/2019 19:38

You and your DH are supposed to be a team. He has asked for your support. Why would you let him shoulder the financial burden alone? I really can't understand why you would do this. And I can't see it doing your marriage much good.

SemperIdem · 12/01/2019 19:40

Honestly - I think you are being selfish. I have read the entire thread and yes, appreciate that you have mental health issues. Even so, you are expecting too much from your husband at this point in time.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 12/01/2019 19:40

If your youngest is 10 months s/he will be able to have cow's milk at bed time by the time you've found and started a job. That's one less excuse.

squeakybrakes · 12/01/2019 19:40

Welcome to MN OP Flowers

JamAtkins · 12/01/2019 19:41

I’m the sole earner in our household at the moment and it’s awful. No bloody way would I do it indefinitely. To be blunt, huge swathes of people have anxiety disorders but people do need to work, especially people with 4 dcs and debt. I had crippling anxiety as a student but staying behind a door was not helpful regardless of how much I wanted to. There are a lot of things you could do which have already been suggested

Dog walking
Cleaning
Ironing
Childminding
Babysitting
Care work

You could also try pubs and restaurants, supermarkets, call centres etc. Which often offer short shifts and need people evenings and weekends. It will be hard, but it will get better.

Withgraceinmyheart · 12/01/2019 19:41

YANBU

I’m going to assume that you had discussions before you got married/had kids/had your fourth child/spent this money on private healthcare treatment, and that at every stage your DH agreed to take on the responsibly of being the sole earner. I can’t find any evidence anywhere that you deceived him. He made a grown up choice to be your partner knowing that you wanted to be a SAHM.

Now he’s saying you have to go work so he doesn’t have to give up branded goods. Not ok.

The people saying ‘it’s his money’ and that you’re scrounging off him just don’t understand how it works in single income households.

If you’ve made the decison together that one of you will stay at home, you’ve made the decison to value the work of being a SAHP as the same as a working parent. Other people don’t agree and that’s fine, but you’ve decided it is. So you have to view all income as joint income. It’s the only way it can work without the SAHP being totally screwed.

This is the totally hippocrisy of the prevailing view of ‘equality’. It’s totally fine for a man to tell his partner after 20 years ‘you have to get a job’. If he was saying ‘you have to quit your job and care for our children’ after you’d been a working parent for 20 years everyone would telling you to leave the sexist bastard.

Look at all the options OP, then work out together what the best thing is.

Knowivedonewrong · 12/01/2019 19:43

You could get a supermarket job in the evenings. You don't need qualifications for that.
Sainsburys pay £9.20 an hour at the moment.

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/01/2019 19:44

The debt was accrued for medical treatment. I had my gallbladder our recently; thankfully the NHS did deal with it very quickly but if they hadn't I'd have gone private in a flash. There's another thread on here with people describing how horrific the pain is - in my case it took IV morphine to control attacks. You can't look after 4 kids whilst going through that (or even 3) so if they'd waited for the NHS they'd probably have had to fork out just as much in childcare. £4k debt isn't great, but it's not enormous or insurmountable.

I'd swear some people on here enjoy beating up other women, it's royally unpleasant.

And I say this as a woman who works full time, is the main breadwinner, runs a business, and supported my DH to give up work when his mental health fell apart.

And again, Rudgie is bang on re care work; here's what our Safer Recruitment guidelines say re references " details of referees: one referee should be the applicant’s current or most recent employer and minimum of two references should be sought, making clear that references will not be accepted from relatives or friends." If OP has been out of work for 20 years that's going to be a challenge - she may well need to do some volunteering etc first just to be able to access care work!

Petitprince · 12/01/2019 19:45

I'd get the budget sorted and also look at starting small, taking in ironing and offering cleaning/dog walking, or could you do babysitting or childminding?
Do you have any hobbies you could build into a business?

Sinead100 · 12/01/2019 19:46

The posters who are agreeing with OP, are clearly the same as her. Lazy and far too quick to procreate without thinking through if they can afford to do so.

Oh, and before you ask, I have had gallbladder pain/surgery, and my own mental health issues too, and still worked full-time through them.

madcatladyforever · 12/01/2019 19:46

Ok so if the husband is prepared to stay up all night looking after the baby all weekend and not disturb OP at all then maybe she should consider going out to work but if he isn't then he can go fuck himself.
OP is enabling her husband to go out and make a living - they are his children too.
He in turn has a responsibility to look after his family.
Jesus some of the comments on here make me want to be sick.

Withgraceinmyheart · 12/01/2019 19:47

FWIW I would absolutely be prioritising your mental health above everything else. I recently had a severe MH crisis and my children suffered more than anyone else. I’m utterly devastated by the effect it had on them. Don’t listen to the people telling you to ‘suck it up’ and ‘I took sertraline and managed to work as well’. The anxiety you’re experiencing sounds really bad and needs to be taken seriously.

Do what you need to do to stay well for your kids.

Nicknacky · 12/01/2019 19:48

withgrace Circumstances change. What might have worked when the hadn’t fewer children doesn’t work now.

Shadowboy · 12/01/2019 19:50

So you are going to drastically budget and cut out nice things so you don’t have to work? That sounds very selfish- the rest of the family have to have that too not just you. You could work during school hours or during the evening when your partner is home? What about weekends? One day over the weekend could bring in £50 per week at least and give you £200 odd per month.
I’m with the OH on this.

MsFrosty · 12/01/2019 19:55

Take some professional debt advise. Stepchange and Christians against poverty are great. Can help with budgeting as well.
Get a welfare check and see that you are eligabke for all the welfare support you are eligable for.
Contact national careers service and start identifying skills and getting a CV pulled together.
Contact your local children's centre and council and see if they run employment schemes that can help you identify a d train for work. A lot of this organisations also run confidence schemes for people with MH issues