Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP I’m with you on this one. You have your hands full at home at the moment and getting a job would only add to your stress and anxiety. I think (some) men think it’s an easy option to stay at home looking after the children but it really isn’t. I bet you don’t sit around all day drinking tea and watching box sets.
If there was something you could do from home, that could be an option, but going out to work and having to pay for childcare is just pointless.
If you can make cutbacks to help with budgeting, then that’s the way forward. You must talk to your DH to get him to see things from your perspective. Good luck 💐

He's asked for help.

If you refuse because you Don't Want To, how positive is he going to feel about your relationship?

Something like cleaning I think would be my only real option

Or Care work. The hours work very well around other adults' normal working hours.
Or taking in ironing - do it when you choose / can make the time, so again fits in around your caring responsibilities.

You need to get a weekend job! Support your family and your dp!

What was your job before you had dc?

Do you think your anxiety will stop you working forever? If so, I don’t think that’s very fair. Thousands of people have anxiety and have to hold down jobs, bring up theirs dc, go shopping, run a house or whatever they are anxious about. Sounds like your dh is feeling the pressure of being the sole breadwinner for such a long time.

You need to do some research. What jobs are you qualified for? What hours can you work? How much will childcare cost? And then see how it all balances out.

Being a SAHM is a luxury, not a right.

OP I was a SAHM for years. Realised that financially I needed a job. Told my partner I'd get a term time job in the kids school. He was very sceptical as term time jobs are quite rare. I went in the school and volunteered for a while and went to college one day a week. Qualified and actually got a job in the kids school. It's totally doable you just have to have the determination to go out and in the nicest possible way get shit done. I'm now studying a degree in my chosen field (education).

Just to add I also take citalopram and proranalol for anxiety and occasionally have awful panic attacks. Just saying

You have not managed the debt because you have missed some payments and only paid the minimum. If I was you, I would definitely live as though I was poor for a while, make it a real target to budget carefully, cut out luxuries, sell outgrown toys and clothes on ebay/facebook.

Look at your phones - do you need the tariff you are on? Amazing the amount of people who pay £40 or more on their phones! I use a decent android which cost less than £200 and a sim card which is under £10 a month. I don't watch movies on a train etc, so I don't need tons of data. Most of us don't.
Use cashback sites for switching and factor that into the cost. Do you have Sky? Switch to Now Tv. Same content way cheaper. Do you have Netflix, or any other paid subscriptions? Cancel them to add that amount monthly to your debt payment.

Set your heating timer low (I'm talking about18/19degrees) and with longer off periods in the day (that way you can boost it if very cold and you avoid heating an empty house when you're out). It's incredible how quickly you get used to a cooler environment. And have the children wear slippers/ jumpers/onesies, have a blanket by the sofa.

Think twice before you buy anything.
Buy big brands and you're paying for the marketing, not necessarily a better product.
Stick a handful of lentils in soups, stews, bolognese.

Meal plan - a 2 week rolling schedule works well.
Eg. week one with limited meat every other day or so:
Monday - jacket potatoes with beans/cheese/chili
Tuesday - Sausages and mash, peas/beans
Wed - Pasta night
Thu - Chili/curry night
Fri - Pizza treat night
Sat - Big brunch day - bacon, eggs, chips/hash, beans, tomato, etc
Sun - Roast day - chicken thighs/drumsticks are cheap and enjoyed by kids.

Make porridge every morning. Change the toppings around or have a fun choice - syrup, chocolate chips, sliced banana, party sprinkles etc. Much healthier, cheaper and lower in sugar than the kids' cereals.

What treat foods are you buying? Do the kids have crisps, cereal bars etc? Get into new habits like chopped up fruit (much more appealing to kids than a whole piece!), carrot/cucumber sticks and dips (hummous is cheap and easy to make), toast, homemade pancakes etc. Do you heaven forbid buy fizzy drinks regularly? Even squash is a habit that can be tailored out ("Oh they didn't have any x flavour left this week, sorry!")
If it seems too much to eliminate this kind of treats, keep for a special day - saturday movie night!

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

Going back to op - You are not clearing the debt at all at the moment, barely even servicing it and missing payments, so the balance will increase every month rather than reduce - is it 4.1 k now or was that the original charge. You could call Stepchange et al to try to freeze any interest and make an offer to repay at a lower monthly payment but something in your set up has to change if this is not to be an ongoing issue. Is the card still being used or does your household otherwise operate within your means!

I would consider doing an SOA:

www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Using this site, so you can see exactly what the income and outgoings are. Then I'd probably post it on Debt Free Wannabe on the Money Saving Expert forums. They will help you see where to cut down, and think of ways to boost your income. They are generally very supportive and encouraging as long as you don't reject their ideas out of hand.

I can see things like skincare and hair make sense to cut down, but that's still only £50 a month, so another £350 would have to come from somewhere if you are talking about £100 a week.

Then I'd look at what options there are work wise. Could you save half by budgeting and then maybe work 2x 4hr shifts a week? That would be £250 a month at minimum wage, which would make a real dent in the savings needed while not being too often or too long. You could work in a local co-op maybe? That would be quite low aggro, and would help you build up your confidence.

I recognise you have anxiety, and everyone's illness is different, but I know at least 5 friends who are on medication for anxiety and they are managing to work, so I don't think it should be ruled out. It would also make you less vulnerable in case something happened to your husband.

I've used prozac since I was 18, I am now in my thirties. Still on it. I've always worked. I live with an ED. You could say I am mentally ill. But like many of us, I get on with it. I know that sounds really heartless but its a fact.

frenchchick9
Op hasn't worked in 20 years.

OP, I can see that it is not as simple as "get a job". You haven't worked for 20 years and don't have any skills or qualifications. Therefore you would be likely to only get a job on NMW, and the cost of childcare would probably not make it worth while. BUT....

you could set up your own business as a self employed cleaner. You could work only in school hours and therefore just need childcare for the youngest.

Round here cleaners charge a minimum of £10ph. Some areas are a lot higher. I would advertise locally, or on facebook local pages. You could also take in ironing as suggested, something you could do at home.

That way you could bring some money in, and still be around for the DC.

I think OP’s DH Is BU.

He has been with the OP since she was a teenager. She had a severe mental breakdown soon after they met and has had mh problems since. She has not had a job for 20 years.

He still married her and chose to support her and have 4 children with her. She did not work for the 10 years before she had DC. He was fine with her spending the money on her medical bills.

Now, with 4 young children and a 10 month old baby, he is pressuring OP to get a job. Why now? And why do so many posters feel that OP is being unfair to her DH? He knew the situation before they had DC.

OP, I would budget. And I would get a Saturday job. Will do you good to have a job outside the house and you will not have anxiety over childcare.

Also, regarding the debt, set up a direct debit for the minimum payment each month, so that you never miss a payment again. Then set up a standing order as well for as much as you can afford to pay each month. and then pay off other amounts as and when you can afford it.

She isnot going to get offered any job that will do her or her family any good

Bollocks.

I really don't want to be mean (and obviously it's too late now) but I have to wonder why you decided to have another baby, when you already have 3 DC's and financial pressures? Also if you are able to quickly and easily identify significant budget savings, as a family you are obviously spending way beyond your means and being wasteful. The debt may well be contributing to your anxiety; so it would make sense to get on top of it. Also, going to work might actually help with anxiety, i.e..) increase confidence / interactions with other people.

Have you considered that maybe you OH is worried about his job security? I know what it's like to be the main, let alone sole earner, when you know your employer is cutting jobs and its stomach churning.

Sorry op I haven't rtft but I can relate. I'm currently retraining, but previously for me to work out around the DC and pay for nursery would have been pointless.

I also suffer from anxiety and some pp's comments of "get a job" indicate they have no idea how debilitating mental health problems are.

Mystery shopping isn't a bad option if you only have a small amount of debt to clear. You can raise a couple of grand in 6 months.

Now, with 4 young children and a 10 month old baby, he is pressuring OP to get a job. Why now

I think youve answered your own question there.

SGBs post will be deeply unpalatable to some of you, but there's a fair bit of truth in there. I'm of the view that OP is going to have to plan to get back into the workforce in at least the medium term, since if her DH doesn't want to be sole earner she can't make him, but that may well require some tactical planning.

Have you had any counselling for your anxiety?

I imagine it must be terrifying thinking about work after 20 years,especially if you believe the last time ended with you becoming ill. But those beliefs and thoughts need (safely!) challenging. Counselling may help you.

Fuck me some people are being really really unpleasant.

With no recent work experience, 4 kids and living somewhere with not a whole lot going on, OPs options for earning are limited. Around here, childcare costs would be approx £50 for FT for baby, and 10-15 per head for after school care. plus breakfast club. Holiday clubs are £30 min per day. Even assuming op and dh tag team the holidays they'd probably need 4 weeks holiday care. By my reckoning that's going to be in the region of £25K. If her local costs are similar then with no experience a full time job isn't going to be viable for her.

School hours probably aren't much better unless she's able to find a childminder who will do school hours only and only charge for those hours. Possible but you have to be lucky and it doesn't sound like OP lives somewhere bustling with loads of childcare. Otherwise it's £50 a day for ft nursery even though she might only need 5 or 6 hours, and will only be earning for those fewer hours.

Only real option is working when DH is home which I think is the one you need to explore OP. Baby is 10 months so will be weaning (and so reducing milk consumption) so I'd be trying to sort expressing and getting baby to take a bottle. Then look for cleaning, shop work, work from home customer service, that kind of thing that involves working when dh looks after the kids. It's probably the only financially viable option.

NI is tied in with Child Benefitbifbinnyour name

I think you are in no position to work given the responsibilities you have. The childcare costs and cuts to any benefits would outweigh any earnings you make. I do a few online surveys each day.Not even minimum wage but I reckon I'm averaging about £ 7 per day for about 1 1/2 hours. Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
If you worked you would find it difficult to budget on things like groceries as you'd be too knackered to cook from scratch , plus having to pay for transport etc.