Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
emzw12 · 12/01/2019 18:15

Here's a good link for working at home jobs, hope it helps:

www.workingmums.co.uk/jobs/find/homeworking/

There are options but you honestly have to want it because otherwise nothing will work.

Your hubby deserves your support after so many years of being the sole earner.

I hope you have you NI contributions in place / some other kind of private pension or you will be royally fucked when you get older.

Aridane · 12/01/2019 18:16

OP - what are you doing in terms of getting treatment for your mental health and working on your anxiety and comfidencne?

Toughtips · 12/01/2019 18:16

Yabu

You need to make efforts to budget and look for suitable work. Even if it's midday supervisor role it'll help

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
Ylvamoon · 12/01/2019 18:17

I don't think anyone would want to work if they had a choice. We don't like leaving our children in child care. We all love life's little luxuries.
Sorry, but I agree, you have to bite the bullet and find a job. The fact that your DH suggested it, means that he is prepared to chip in with the child care. And although it is not easy to find school hours ... Weekend and evening should be easier.
You just have to do what most people do, work around each other and make raising the children a priority.

MyOtherProfile · 12/01/2019 18:17

You shouldn't have to pay back money spent on a health issue!
Really, @GummyGoddess ? Who should foot that private health care bill then?

MrsAmaretto · 12/01/2019 18:18

Well OP it’s very clear that you need to cut back on your outgoings AND get an evening job to contribute financially. BUT you need to make it clear to your husband what he needs to do at night to facilitate this - dinner/bath time/homework.

Original poster
moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 18:18

I take citalopram

OP posts:
mytieisascarf · 12/01/2019 18:18

@ Adaline . Op has a diagnosed mental illness and is being prescribed medication. Her husband hasn't and isn't. We'd be here with "what if's"!

@rededucator. I have no idea what you mean...unless you are suggesting that OP a) sabotaged birth control b) had sex with different men c) raped her husband d) has been divinely inseminated by the Lord??? In which case you're even more charming than first thought!

@Believeitornot. Maybe he is. If he hates his job he can change it, if he is at risk of losing his job ( I suspect he would have told his wife) then he can look for another one, if he wants a change he can change. BUT he too has four kids...he too agreed pre-children that they would be a one-income family.... he too agreed that the private health care route was the one to be taken. These were decisions taken by the family NOT just OP.

CupoBlood · 12/01/2019 18:19

So look at jobs you might be able to get, find the ads with the pay and hours. Then phone the nursery and get a quote.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2019 18:19

People really need to get rid of the idea that 'getting a job' is always the solution to problems.
OP has physical and mental health issues, young children, no skills, qualifications or experience. She is not going to get offered any job that will do her or her family any good. The current state of the economy means that non-shit jobs (ie ones with tolerable working conditions and regular pay) have almost disappeared: it's all zero hours contracts and 'flexibility' which means unpaid overtime at very short notice - not easy for someone with childcare issues.
If she finds something that will require paying for childcare, the childcare costs will probably wipe out her wages and there's always the matter of having to pay for childcare even if you have to keep the DC at home because they are ill, therefore losing your day's pay.

OP's best option is to plan towards getting paid work, once there is a clear agreement with her H that this will require him to do more childcare and domestic work - he doesn't get to order her to earn money by working and continue doing all the wifework. Perhaps look into retraining in some way? Also, there are bits and pieces you could do from home and fit around the DC, such as Avon/Bettaware (as long as you tread carefully with these things and don't get sucked into the MLM side of them - if it's just a matter of letterboxing catalogues and getting a few orders to bring in a few quid it's doable).
I'm a single parent and I have done all kinds of jobs over the past 14 years - including Avon for a while. Things I have done included market research (you can vary your hours), leafletting, phone sex, transcription, copy-editing and freelance writing - though the writing is not something I would recommend to a person with no experience - it's hugely competitive and hardly anyone wants to pay you these days.

For now: have a look round your house and consider if there are any things you could sell. Jewellery and gadgets that are functional but no longer used can go to something like Cash Converters, outgrown kids' clothes can go on eBay or local Facebook selling groups, etc. It all helps.

avocadoincident · 12/01/2019 18:21

I agree with you OP. I don't see being a SAHM as a luxury...it's a lifestyle choice and it's brave and difficult and fabulous and demoralising and rewarding and straining.

I also think you've come up with the answer. Try your budget and see how you get on. As the baby gets a bit bigger you maybe able to work the odd hour of an evening. How about taking in ironing, I charged £10 an hour and that was 4 years ago. If you have any particular area of knowledge you could do some tutoring for primary school children and that's £20 absolute minimum.

You will never get the time back with your baby and depending on the size of your debt, even if you do work you will still have it in 3 years anyway when the baby starts state nursery and then you can look into more viable working hours.

Sleepsoon7 · 12/01/2019 18:21

Apologies if already suggested but people often post on our local Facebook group asking for work such as cleaning, babysitting, ironing and generally seem to get responses. Many hairdressers also have ‘model nights’ or afternoons when trainees will cut hair for free or a small fee ( obviously they are supervised and can be very good just a little slow). Sign up with an agency for kitchen type work - I did years ago when a student and spent my time emptying dishwashers - no contact with the public at large. Having said that - getting a plan of action should help you feel more positive and setting yourself a timeline of goals. I do understand how you are feeling and can empathise.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 12/01/2019 18:22

As a teen/young adult, I suspect that your husband assumed your mental health issues would merely be a temporary glitch but that now after 20 years of the reality of fully supporting you, both mentally and financially, he is telling you he is at breaking point and you are not listening!

gamerchick · 12/01/2019 18:24

Something like cleaning I think would be my only real option

That's fine. 2 hours a day when husband is at home, 5 days a week will bring in something close to 300 a month. That can be used to bang on the credit cards. Then you can make your budget adjustments on top and things might be a bit more comfortable and husband off your case.

I find my anxiety is well worse when I'm not at work, it might help you gain a bit of confidence outside the home.

adaline · 12/01/2019 18:27

@Adaline . Op has a diagnosed mental illness and is being prescribed medication. Her husband hasn't and isn't

But @myscarfisatie so do millions of other people and they still hold down jobs because they have bills to pay. I worked for years with depression and anxiety, taking citalopram and beta blockers to manage my condition, because if I didn't work the bills wouldn't get paid and I wouldn't have a home to live in!

OP doesn't have to work full-time, she doesn't have to support herself on her own - all her husband is asking is that she helps and gets a job of some kind. Why on earth is that unreasonable? She can't expect to just never work, can she?

Nanna50 · 12/01/2019 18:28

Do you get top up benefits? Very relevant if you are work for extra money.

pineapple22 · 12/01/2019 18:29

I have real sympathy for the mental health and medication issues, but there are millions of us with similar problems who have absolutely no choice but to work. Also, the husband is the person that knows OP and her mental health best and he is suggesting work so who is anybody over the internet to say he's wrong? Personally, I think if you can handle 4 children day in day out you can handle pretty much anything and might enjoy the break away doing something for yourself for a change, see it as a positive!

Birdsgottafly · 12/01/2019 18:30

"That's fine. 2 hours a day when husband is at home, 5 days a week will bring in something close to 300 a month."

If that job exists.

OP why did your DH start to take over all of the shopping and budgeting?

Was this something that you wanted or needed?

Was it a particular event that led to your breakdown in your 20's and was your DH supportive?

He seems to have switched from doing everything to pushing you into work. This can't just have been triggered by the debt.

I don't like that he isn't willing to make cutbacks tbh.

Holidayshopping · 12/01/2019 18:30

have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

What, ever?

Bowerbird5 · 12/01/2019 18:31

Wow you are getting a lot of critism OP.

I am a mum of four. I was retraining when baby four arrived. I finished my course by breast and bottle feeding but I could not find a job that covered childcare. Remember baby childcare is more expensive once they are over two it lessens.

OP since you want to stay home have you considered looking at jobs working at home. Homeworking( I did glass painting for a while , my friend painted for Lilliputian Lane. I also, and this might suit, childmindered. You could mind another baby or toddler or do some after school care. This as well as budgeting could be the answer. If you looked for a teacher wanting childcare then you would have less money but would have your own children only during school hols. This is what I did until my little one was nearly two. As i’m A Nursery Nurse i then worked in nurseries ( not much more than her fees) and school’s double her fees.

I think it might be worth looking at your budget using Martin Lewis methods of saving money. I agree with you that you may well be able to save £100 a month and as long as you are finding that money it doesn’t really matter which method you use or perhaps a bit of both will work.
The money was for your health not frittered away on a lavish lifestyle. Good luck with your quest.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/01/2019 18:32

Plenty of us work while suffering from mental ill health and on medication. I do, and I know many friends and colleagues of mine do too - you cant just expect your OH to bear the brunt of debt, the mortgage etc himself for ever.. or do you? Because soon he may get a bit sick of it... think about it

alansleftfoot · 12/01/2019 18:34

What did you do all day before you had kids ?

Sethis · 12/01/2019 18:34

The only reason you're not budgeting AND getting a job (i.e. clearing the debt twice as fast than either option would by itself) is because you don't want to.

I'm not sure that's a good enough reason, to be honest.

hugoagogo · 12/01/2019 18:34

this is a man who appears to think it a possibility meriting discussion that someone who's aged 40ish, not worked this millennium, doesn't appear to have much in the way of qualifications and has a mental health issue is going to be able to find school hours, term time only work. In an area that doesn't have a lot of unskilled work going. I wouldn't say that necessarily makes someone an idiot. But it does indicate that he might not be brilliantly familiar with the reality of the job market for someone in OPs position.
^This

And of course looking after children is work!

seven201 · 12/01/2019 18:35

Sorry but it's quite clear that you need to do your budgeting plan AND get a job. Good luck

Swipe left for the next trending thread