Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

Honestly you need to do both - budgeting and get a part time job. Your poor OH he has a burden on his shoulders

You need to find out what is available not "think". Some companies pick up cleaners for commercial jobs, if transport may be an issue. It is very easy to imagine obstacles especially if you have been out of the workplace for a long time, or never worked Much of what you are responding is defensive and defeatist as a result of your anxiety, perhaps your dh finds that difficult. You can budget while you enquire and prepare.

You shouldn't have to pay back money spent on a health issue!

And if she worked evenings she wouldn't get a break, just childcare and working. Her dh would at least get a rest when the children were in bed.

Weekend work is the only viable option until baby can go into childcare at 3 (since op won't earn much after being out of work), but only as long as your DH doesn't create extra work when he has the children.

Slightly more constructive comment:

You got together at 15. You stopped working at 20 (what did you do in those five years work wise?). You have four kids. You’re probably at least mid 30s now. You have £4K of credit card debt because of private health treatment and, it appears, a fairly relaxed approach to your personal finances.

You are in a VERY vulnerable position.

What if your DH does, or runs off to join the circus, or gets made redundant, or is sacked, or one of a million other bad things ? What will you do then ?

You are not in control of your own life. You are not in a position to provide for the children you have brought into the world.

You have anxiety and to be honest I would too in your situation. Sometimes getting out into the world and prospering can actually HELP with that.

You need to get a job. Any job. Anything that will fit around your husbands working hours. Then you need a plan for how you’re going to develop your employment as the kids get older.
They will only get more expensive.
Your family CANNOT afford to have you at home all the time I’m afraid.
None of us want to work, we do it because we need to survive. You’re no different.

Get a job.

@moneyunsure.

Such a tough one, I have really severe anxiety and social phobia so I can sympathise with you there.

But it might actually be good for you to work also? I like working, and I work very up and personal with the public so if forces me to get over my phobia and anxieties because I have to work.

I would chuck yourself in the weekend, get a job, try it for a month, don't like it then you can leave.

It depends on your personal situation - in many cases what you get earn doing a part-time job barely covers childcare. If you can work as a part-time barrister perhaps you should, but if you're talking Tesco I would think frankly that you could save more by budgeting harder and cutting back on unnecessaries - which is also easier if you are not working and have time to e.g. make food from scratch and so on.

*dies not does !

OP is getting a hard time because the thread was started to confirm her wish to not work, instead of being open to understanding ways in which she could earn money.

When I was a student I worked 6-10pm in my local coop after i finished uni at 5pm.
I can't see that 6-10pm a few times a week would cause too much distress you'd still be home at a reasonable time for bed etc. You could express one bottle.
Or the alternative, my friend worked at the same coop on the morning shift 5-8am doing the cleaning so she could be home to take kids to school etc.
They always struggle to find people to do this shifts.

You are in a very vulnerable position tbh....what happens if your DP suddenly becomes too ill to work or worse, dies? Or if he decides to pack his bags and leave you - then what?

You also need to look into your pension entitlements - are you paying stamp, because if not you are in for a rough time in old age.

PS looking after children is working.

Getting out there and working may really help you. You might build confidence and feel more independent and far more resilient than you thought. Cleaning is a great idea.

And for fuck’s sake don’t have any more children.

Child Benefit will be accruing her ni credits until her youngest is 13, assuming they register for it.

I would make savings now, and start looking for a part time job and viewing childminders/ nurseries.

Switching utilities is easy - money saving expert has good advice about the best deals.

Go back to your GP about your acne. There are various lotions and tablets they can prescribe, even if the first ones didn't help. £30 a month is too much on skincare when you are in debt, sorry.

Cut back on haircuts, I don't know anyone who actually has a haircut every 8 weeks!

I'd also start looking for a part time job, see what comes up. If you haven't worked in 20 years it may take a while, so I'd start looking early. Many people return to work at 12months, it may take you that long to find a job. Also visit some local nurseries and childminders to see what is available.

If you will be earning minimum wage it makes more sense to work at the weekend or evening when you won't need childcare.

One option initially would be something informal like cleaning and ironing in people's homes- you could do a few hours one weekend morning - £10 an hour where I live and cleaners are in great demand.

I think your dh is probably worried that you won't return to work even when baby is older, if ever, and he will end up responsible for paying all this debt back. Taking on a few hours a week in the next few months will treasure him that you are building towards bringing in more money. Your youngest will qualify for some free childcare at some point and if you are in work already it will be easier to build up then.

Also are you getting therapy and medication for your anxiety? It sounds like your anxiety contributed towards the fear that led to spending £4k on private medical care, and it would be good to address your anxiety before it leads to any similar episodes in future.

Oh god Cailleach good point - OP have you been paying your NI contributions for the last whateveritis years ?!

I do sympathise with your mental health issues OP - I had crippling anxiety and depression in my twenties and struggled to get out of bed most days. But not working simply wasn't an option for me - I had rent and bills to pay and food to buy! How would you have coped without your DH to support you?

Your DH has supported you for at least 20 years, you need to step-up and support him now. That's what marriage is - supporting each other. You can't just choose to never work again and expect him to say "oh, okay" and that be the end of it! Come on.

Idiot is the word you chose flaming. But this is a man who appears to think it a possibility meriting discussion that someone who's aged 40ish, not worked this millennium, doesn't appear to have much in the way of qualifications and has a mental health issue is going to be able to find school hours, term time only work. In an area that doesn't have a lot of unskilled work going. I wouldn't say that necessarily makes someone an idiot. But it does indicate that he might not be brilliantly familiar with the reality of the job market for someone in OPs position.

And given that we only have mention of him considering an employment pattern that wouldn't require him to do any solo childcare, the question about whether he's aware this might happen is a pertinent one.

What would you do if your DH came home and told you that he didn't want to go out to work but would prefer to stay and home and budget?

Oh good point LIZS

They don't sound like a family who earn too much for CB, so OP will have been getting her NI paid through that for at least some of her time out of work. Assuming she's the one who's claimed it of course. If it's him that claims it OP, get it in your name immediately.

Sorry I haven’t had the time to read the full thread but, is your mental health so bad that it would prevent you from becoming a childminder in the day or babysitter in the evenings?

Could you work from home as a Book Keeper if you took a short course?

Run an ironing service?

Train as a nail technician and do some mobile or from home work?

These are all things my SAH friends have tried.

If not, you may have to consider stopping breastfeeding or expressing and getting an evening job a few nights a week.

I really don’t think not working is an option that is fair on your whole family.

Also, it might boost your self esteem...what if it was just you and the kids one day, no DH? How would you cope? You’re a bit trapped at the moment. No pension for yourself etc.

How old are your kids op, ? You say school age, but is at least one older teen?

I’m sure this has already been said but you need to work out the cost of childcare v your potential income and show it to DH.

How about doing some baby sitting - check out the website sitters.co.uk.

Dh has always worked since leaving school we got together when we were 15 so he has always supported me

Shit - poor DH must be at the end of his extremely long tether