Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

It sounds like your husband wanted to be in control of the finances because he doesn't trust you with money. I can see why.

No that’s when I said we could look for better deals for energy and insurance etc as up till then he wanted to deal with everything financial I had to say I needed to actually see it all too and see if there were other options to save

Blimey a lot of harsh responses on this thread.

Dear OP, I think you may have to do both the budget and find a part time job. But your dh needs a reality check too - jobs where you want to avoid childcare cost are, from my own experience, not that easy to find and if you don't avoid childcare costs, then yes you may as well not work money wise.

Talk to your DH and do some research on your local job market and courses that can help you get the necessary skills to return but at the same time your DH needs to commit to a budget of some sort.

Alternatively, there is a money making thread on MN somewhere and see what the posters suggest on there. Perhaps there is a way to be at home and make some money.

Shit - so it was you who ran up debt and your DP working single handed to pay off your debt.

I hope the private health care successfully treated the condition

I didn’t intend to become fully vegetarian just to rather than have meat daily to have more veg meals as it’s cheaper

But you can do that AND get a job. It's not an either/or situation. Millions of parents work weekends and evenings, or work around each other in order to save money on childcare - it's NORMAL.

I don't think YABU at all really.
Where are all these part time evening jobs? theres not loads going where I live.

You may well be right - but OP hasn't even made a cursory effort to look...

@rededucator. Well aren't you a treat! POOR husband was also involved in creating those four children was he not??? And as for it being HIS money... how much of that money has been saved by his wife looking after HIS children for the past X amount of years. Not to mention the cost of a cleaner, laundry etc. Fuck off with your HIS money bullshit.

OP - have a look at what work is available that's not going to impact on your kids too much and not going to negatively impact your finances. If you are currently entitled to tax credits look at whether your earnings would remove these and consider the cost of childcare. If you work when Oh is at home you will reduce outgoings but make sure he is contributing equally to cleaning, cooking, organising, laundry, homework etc. Remember too that childcare is not just your responsibility/expense so if you do see a job that you may enjoy and it is during the school don't discount it.... oh will have to alter his working pattern or contribute towards childcare costs.

You're getting a hard time here op. Mostly because you are a sahm. Ignore the nasty comments. Noone really knows your life or your children. Some 10 month old babies would cope with separation from their primary care giver some wouldn't.

And looking after your mental and physical health when you have 4 children is THE most important thing you can do. Ignore the jibes about your anxiety. Unfortunately there are a lot of half-wits who still don't understand that mental illness is an illness and a spectrum. Just because one person can pop half a sertraline and go do a 24 hour shift down the mines doesn't mean that everyone with anxiety can.

A bit off topic, but I am really shocked that you felt you had to go private for your gall bladder. I had mine removed on the NHS a few months after my initial visit to the gp. It is not something you should have had to pay for. Your local health services sound very poor if they could not diagnose something so common. Did you have your gall bladder removed?
Your debt isn't that bad, op. Start with your budgeted lifestyle straight away, and look for a part time job that can be done when your oh is around to care for the children. You never know, you might actually enjoy it.

I think it would be best to get a job.

I know you are saying that the amount to can earn once you take into account the nursery costs/ after school costs/ travel costs is minimal but, if he's the type of petty bastard that would insist you went back to work while your baby is little so he can be sure that you are as equally put upon as he is, he's the type of chip-on-shoulder flakey fucker you don't want to have to rely upon. Make sure though that he pulls his weight at home and is also working around childcare arrangements. And try to be the person who drops off the kids, rather than picks up.

Come on this is not AIBU!

There is no need for people to judge this person so harshly.
And don't get me started on this poor dh business!
Do all of you think looking after 4 kids is a picnic?
With anxiety too?

I have had gallstones and it is extremely painful, I suppose I was lucky that it was recognised straight away and investigated. If it hadn't been and I had been in that much pain with no answers and had anxiety too i can well imagine being desperate enough to go private.

£4000 isn't really that much in the scheme of things, like others said get it on a 0% deal if you can and make the payments on time. In a year or two you will be in a better position to work, but I don't think your dh is fair to pressure you to work right now.

explodingkitten what your suggestioning is now illegal because of the childcare laws (ridiculous in my view).

Congratulations OP, according to this thread you are the next Virgin Mary, having impregnated yourself.

Look at what work is available locally, work out what that means your DH has to do to make it happen and have that on hold.

Personally, I think he's moving the goalposts.

If you had have waited for the NHS and needed childcare because of being ill, it would have cost more.

You have a solution, you can cut back and it should be the whole family. Because I bet you're the anchor, so nothing to do with your health is for just you.

Youve had some twatty answers and it just shows what little value is placed on SAHMs, especially with four children.

As said, you'd still be on Mat Leave.

Does the baby take a bottle, at present?

If you do one 12 hour night shift in a Care Home, your DH will have fun and games sorting that out.

Before any answers were given to your thread it should have been asked if he is a hands on Dad and is willing to do more.

Job search, meanwhile to get him ised to having the children on his own, I'd recommend meditation and breathing exercises. They are fantastic for anxiety.

See how happy he is with that, before you make him being sole carer permanent.

Meant to say op - I work at a large private school and the school employs a massive team of cleaners most of whom work 2-3 hours a day ether every day or a few days a week. Some of them to 5.30am-8am so they can be home in time for school run , some work 6pm-8.30 or 9pm after their partners are home from work. Some do both these shifts who want more hours.

I know many of these cleaners and they're all working around young kids and trying to avoid paying out large amounts of child care. If you look around I'm sure you have schools near you that need cleaners- it's only a few hours a week and quite flexible.

And looking after your mental and physical health when you have 4 children is THE most important thing you can do.

What about her DH's mental health @mytieisascarf? Or doesn't that matter because he's a man? It's bloody hard being the sole earner. He's asking his wife to help ease the pressure and get a job to bring more money into the household and she's flat-out refusing to do so, saying she'll budget and cut down on luxuries instead.

What if HE has a breakdown and can't work because nobody has bothered about HIS mental health - then what happens? How do they pay the bills then?

No McDonald’s or similar for miles. Only 1 pub. Something like cleaning I think would be my only real option.
I just feel there are other things to do before I have to work to sort this out
I 100% know it’s my debt I was desperate at the time and dh was fine about it then but suddenly it’s a very big issue now

So many excuses.

It's clear OP's confidence has been knocked by being out of the workplace for so long. Understandable. But there is so much that she could be doing in terms of volunteering at places where she can take her baby with her, going back to college, looking to see what courses are available to get computer or other skills, doing her CV... so many things.

But nah. Cut back on Sky and buy value beans and it's all sorted.

Ignore the jibes about your anxiety. Unfortunately there are a lot of half-wits who still don't understand that mental illness is an illness and a spectrum

A lot of us "halfwits" have lived and do lobe with anxiety. A lot of us have to deal with it because we dont have the luxury of sitting at home and swanning about to baby groups and hairdressers which with v bad anxiety u would not wanna do anyway

This jumped out at me.

"Dh wanted to be in control of the finances always had".

How have you been paying your credit card debt? Does DH pay it, transfer money into your account, or have you been using top up benefits to pay it? Who would pay for the childcare if you went back to work? Would you be expected to cover that? Would you be able to and still pay your credit card debt?

I think with 4 children and a baby, going back to work seems like a daft idea, unless you would be doing it for your own sanity and I'm not sure you would really see much financial benefit, given that your benefits would reduce and your childcare would be so high, and there does seem to be a bit of leeway in your budget to make savings.

I can see you also feel guilty over the debt. Debt happens. Its not great but its not the end of the world, and I can see why you felt it was necessary to put the money on credit cards.

@mytieisascarf I, as has been suggested by PP, have my suspicions that OP might be a little more behind the number of children that her husband. If you catch my drift

Get a job, any (legal) job. He is asking for your help, help him.

4Dcs and a bfeeding baby? I would rather budget and pa the debt off slower. Have you got the debt on good interest rates?

Apologies if someone has already said this as I'm having to read at the same time as a million other things but could you use your initiative and find something to bring in a little bit of money that wouldn't involve leaving your baby. How about delivering leaflets or a paper round. Wouldn't being in much but it would be possible with the baby. You do need to contribute somehow but I'm amazed that you haven't already been budgeting. I think that's completely mad.

You are spending £30 a month on skincare? And £40 every 8 weeks on haircuts? And you have a load of debt but don’t want to work?

That’s bonkers. Sorry but you need to pull your weight financially and stop frivolous spending if you’re in debt. It’s not an either/or thing. No way should you be spending like that and not working when you’re in debt.

Well aren't you a treat! POOR husband was also involved in creating those four children was he not??? And as for it being HIS money... how much of that money has been saved by his wife looking after HIS children for the past X amount of years. Not to mention the cost of a cleaner, laundry etc. Fuck off with your HIS money bullshit

Maybe he's stressed, hates his job, is at risk of losing his job? Wants a change?

OP, does DH get that he'd probably have to look after the kids at least some of the time you worked? Do you know what sort of thing is available where you live?

It's not fair putting all this on your dh shoulders. Could you look at something like dog walker (portable with the kids) or babysitting ?