Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

Which might explain why his DW is reluctant to go back to work - how much more money is he going to piss away?

He might also be one of those people who doesn't do house or lifework because 'I work' but still expect the spouse to do it all whilst working, too. Or one of those men who doesn't 'see' dirt or claim he doesn't know what needs doing.

I rent from a family member 200pm but because I rent from family I'm not entitled to housing costs council tax 110 gas and electric 110 then all the other bills shopping and baby things xxx

I have a problem with presenting life events as chosen life style that can't be afforded. We did not choose for our DS to have SN. We did not choose the provision that was or was not available.

But somehow with hindsight it is always the fault of the wife not to realise that her husband may be made redundant or the mother to realise that her DC might have SN and so she is expected to be primary carer in the moment but be willing and able to become primary provider (if needed for the well-being of others).

No hard figures have been provided but is it even possible for DIL to contribute financially in the way that OP has (taking into account loss of benefits, travel, food, clothing, childcare etc).

OP may be contributing in ways that DIL can't but DIL might be contributing in ways that OP can't

In terms of the relationship/family dynamic we don't even know that DIL knows about or approves of the way that OP is intervening.

Is it not possible for him to get a part time job too. At least that way while his business is building he’s still earning. Step back let them work it out, it’s all a bit too easy when money appears in your bank and you’ve done nothing to earn it. If she’s not prepared to work sounds like your son has some thinking to do!

Offer to rent out your house and move in with them as the only solution long term. She'd soon get a job.

I'd love a totally self cleaning eco-bohemian house. Where do I get one?

They come from the same place as the Mumsnet Chicken. 😄

Read 1st few pages- stop £ but can you make and freeze meals for them ( how close are you) to collect do you know kids being fed, also pay for swimming and another activity each, so fed and some fun from you - rest = mum and dad fund

Am completely lost at the eco-bohemian attitude to housework! I can picture DIL mooching around in tie-dye and bare feet knee deep in dirt and dust, how on earth can any family just not do any cleaning and just pick up the odd toy and load the washer every now and again? Does the house not get dirty?

That is very interesting thread. I am sorry I did not have the time to read all of it. I have seen this situation other times too.The relationship within the family of your DS should be resolved beween him and his wife and let them take the responsibility. The difficulty has to be resolved by them because financial planning is an affair of the couple not the MIL. You as his mother need to make your position clear to your son not to your DIL as to: how much you can help them and how long you feel this is going to last. I had a family of friends in same situation where the MIL put into a separate account money for the rand children and gave it to them after they were 18. Perhaps it helps to tell DS that you might also find yourself in need and might not be able to use from your income to help them and that they must plan themselves.

@Firesuit, thanks for pointing out the bleedin' obvious. That's precisely why I said economically inactive and not unemployed.

This woman is lazy. You are kind and generous. You love your son and are supporting him really. This marriage wont last. You are such a loving person. Tell son you are reducing by 25%. Due to your finances. cannot stand free wheelers.

Just stop you will never recover this money snd sorry but your son abd dl are using you.

Interesting thread. I actually read it all!
In your situation I would stop the payments and leave them to make their own decisions re how they move forward.
It isn't your place to comment on who does or doesn't work.
But you can and should protect your own assets.
I do know of a family nearby who's son set up a boat building business that was not doing well and he kept asking his parents for more and more input until they eventually lost both homes (sons and his parents) and the business too. Ended up with nothing just chasing a dream.

DIL is a lazy arse and needs to get a job pronto. Kids are well old enough to cope! Your son needs to tell her to share the load and you need to stop subsidising two grown adults.

All these “she’s a SAHM” replies? Ha ha ha. Her kids are 7 and 11. Her husband should work forever in a job that makes him unhappy so that HE can provide for her to sit on her backside between drop off and pick up. Get a grip people. I wonder how many SAHM’s whose husbands work all the hours god sends so they don’t have to have written these replies! Honestly. People talk about having equal rights. It goes both ways? OP you sound like a really lovely caring person. Do as you see fit!

being a sahp to children who are actually at home and with you during the day is hard!! However being a sahp to two children who go to school everyday is a different story. My sil does this. She doesn’t work, isn’t into fitness or doing charity work or on the school board. I personally think it’s very lazy.

Please stop doing this you have your own future to worry about. When you get older you will likely need to go into some kind of care. The sale of your house will cover some of the cost of this would not all of it. You also don't say if you have ADHD might also need the support. Please stop eroding your savings and there's another adult who could be stepping up to fund their own lifestyle.

It sounds like they need to downsize their lives it sounds like they are still living the lifestyle of the corporate job wage.

Horrible though if a woman doesn't see the need to step up and support her family and thinks it's her right to not work even when she has two children in school.

I think you'll be very kind if you gave them 2 or 3 months notice.

I think they should stop right now I'm out outraged your behalf.

I dont think you should give money but you could give your time. If she finds a part time job, offer to have the dc so she can work

I would do some kind of stepped withdrawal of funding. Tell them you want to start doing things to your home and from June you can’t subsidise any more. 1/2 money for 3 months then 1/4 for 3 months then zilch xx

Being a SAHM, is not and excuse not to work when circumstances change.

FWIW I'm SAHM (DC 15,11,10) it works for our family due to mu DH work. But that doesn't mean I would get a job doing anything if needs must.

And unlike the OP DIL I do all the housework child arrangements, school ect. And not because I'm stuck in a in the 1950's but it what works for OUR family.

OP I do think you need to be honest with your son and tell him you can no longer afford to fund his lifestyle to the detriment of your own. Not because you want to make him feel guilty but you want him to see the whole picture that he needs to make changes with his family, work life.

I’m devoted to my DC, I also work 40 hours a week because my family needs that income to survive. My DH also works 40 hours a week. Unfortunately my hours are not around school hours and so my DC are cared for by nursery and a childminder. I also do the housework, DH does the cooking and we share other chores between us.

DIL sounds like a lazy, entitled brat who has had the luxury of living off a corporate wage for a long time. Of course her contribution as a SAHP has been invaluable, but the children are at school and circumstances have changed. She needs to step up and show her devotion to her children by getting a job to support them.

People who live off their parents when they are fully functioning adults make me sick, I see it all too often - lazy and entitled adults who are happy to take money from their parents, based on the fact their parents are worried sick about them and want to help. It’s emotional abuse and extorting money through insincere means.

The SAHP role is always going to cause a divide in opinion, in this case it’s simply that having that role no longer works for the family. The DH will need to take on a more honest share of the household tasks to assist the DIL to be able to work. If being a SAHP is work then this is simply a changing of jobs, something which many of us have to do whether it’s what we’d prefer to do or not.

Give them a deadline, and stop supporting them. If it causes issues in their marriage then it really isn’t your responsibility. You sound very kind.

This is very interesting, I am a SAHM - my husband does the corp work I raise the kids one of them with ADHD and severe dyslexia, - same ages. I am have my own business as a designer like many mums who are creative we can get on with it when the kids are at school and hopefully make a bit of an income . However there was a time when firstborn was a baby we had no wages ,no saving and we rented- husband had no job and we survived on my maternity pay from MY previous reasonably well paid corp job. I remember our washing machine broke and we were using real nappies as was the trend a few years back - (don't know if it still is) but MIL gave us £50. towards a new one ,BIL lent us 2 K, we didn't qualify for housing benefit or jobseekers as my husband had left because he was being bullied - I mean that he had been treated really appallingly by his boss in a small tech firm it all got too much for him to bear and he became very anxious and depressed. They were dark days and it took us 3 years to get our heads above water we lived frugally and managed but it wasn't nice!!! BTW we eventually got a bit of help towards the rent but not all and we were very grateful for that as it meant we didn't have to go back and live in my old room at my parents house ( no spare cash there) and MIL pretty well off but firmly believes in self help but thank go for the fifty towards the washing machine! . Sometimes this kind of treatment does force you to be stronger .After seeking help my husband managed to go back and retrain at the local college for free as we had no money and he's now a very high earner in his field - we paid back a long time ago and even scraped enough to get a mortgage which I didn't think would be possible but we did it together as we believe that we are equal partners in all we do and support each other . I don't know the pressure you DS is under but if their relationship isn't great then everything becomes harder. I wouldn't hesitate to find outside work if we needed the extra money to survive . She is being very selfish - unless she really has some kind of mental health problems- then she needs to see a doctor or solution focused therapist. You have to think of other ways to help that will force her to take responsibility for her family ..

#catface1 - well done to you and your husband. A true partnership. You should both be proud of your achievements.

If she works pt too, she can claim tax credits to help pay for childcare costs as they'll be able to claim due to low wage, therefore they'd actually be better off.. Plus, imagine if you suddenly needed extra money to have emergency work on the house.. Buy a car... Anything.. You'd have less money and you deserve to have fun in your retirement... Good luck with the chat with your son.. Or both of them whilst explaining about getting help via benefits if she was to work more than 16 hrs pw..

I think you’re being unfair here. Your son decided to change jobs, not his wife. You decided to give him money, not his wife. Why is she suddenly responsible for the problem that you and your son created?