Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

OP said they have a bohemian lifestyle similar to her's. If OP doesn't do 'housework' why does she expect the DIL to? She mentioned they don't do ironing. Neither do we but my house is clean. She was ambiguous about what housework she expected from the DIL. She also said DIL was a devoted mum. I expect the children have clean clothes etc so she must be doing something just not enough for OP?

And anyway it's all irrelevant. The issue is the mess they're in financially not how much housework gets done but it's a useful way to character assasinate someone now that OP has realised the folly of her meddling. It helps to blame the DIL for the problem OP and her son created.

We're in a similar situation to your ds and dil except nobody is giving us any money and we have more dc, 2 of whom have fairly significant SN. You need to stop giving them money and your dil needs to get a part time job or your ds could get a part time job to subsidise his self employed work.

Omg people have been so harsh on the Op. Even the DIL earned a minimum wage, at least it would diminish the amount the Op had to contribute. It's not the OP's responsibility to provide for her ds's family.

No one has forced the OP to do this. This is a problem she has created albeit with the intention of 'helping'. But all 3 are now worse off.

I wonder how much housework my mil thinks I do?

It is so interesting how much people are supporting the MILs view that her DIL should be working.

My MIL is the opposite. She believes a woman’s place is in the home, and has openly stated that she and FIL are planning on moving closer to us so I can care for them in old age, since I don’t work. DH had to have a chat with her about not planning her future around me being available to be their Carer.

If she posted on here saying ‘my DIL is refusing to provide care for me because she insists on going back to work once her children start school’ I imagine she would get some very firm YABUs. If she was saying ‘my son agrees she should be at home looking after the house and caring for me and FIL but can’t persuade to stop being selfish’ I think son would be called some interesting names too.

Because it’s ok for other people to tell a woman that she should be working for the sake of her family, but absolutely not ok to tell her that she should not be working, because her family needs her.

Or how about we just stop telling women what they should and shouldn’t be doing based on their MILs accounts, and just let this couple work it out between themselves as two adults.

Only give them what you can afford and what you want to.

It is not for you to decide whether or not the wife should work as that would be quite controlling imo and would not help the marriage or your relationship with your son or DIL.

You could offer to pay for extras for the GC instead eg music lessons etc

Please can someone explain what EA means?

Can you adopt me please?

Just a thought. Does your DiL know you are subsidising? She may be completely oblivious to what is happening and your son is only talking to you about it. Have the conversation in front of them both about stopping the money. I agree with others on here, you should not be subsidising adult children.

Whatever the circumstances as a MIL you have no business telling your DIL to get a job. You must know that it's never going to go down well. It's none of your business how they sort their finances out

It's become OP's business because they're dependent on her money to keep going.

I don't see why people are saying going into business is a luxury. He probably saw it as an opportunity, something he'd always wanted to do, and his mother agreed to help financially. In another year or so he could be doing well, it takes time to make a profit.

My only suggestion to the op is to give less money. 50% of income is too much but 25% would probably do.

Getting a job when you've been out of the work force for many years is difficult and quite scary. It would be good if the daughter in law tried though, and looked into training schemes. She might find it boosts her confidence and she likes it.

I was a single mum, working full time, juggling the kids with childcare that I could afford and the kindness of friends, to make sure that I was paying for my children, please stop enabling this spoiled woman to sit on her bum doing nothing while you lose out!
You are so kind, maybe as others have said give them a time frame when the money will stop, but be clear that it will stop. This will give them time to realise its time they stood on their own two feet and look after the children and home they chose to have!
xxx

It’s incredibly generous of you to do this- but I feel she is taking advance.

I think you can’t just cut them off instantly, but maybe you could give them a timeline to work towards I.e., I will do this for maximum six more months. You need to make plans.

*advance= advantage 🙄

Don’t want to worry you but you really need to stop funding their lifestyle. My brother lost his job and was in a very similar situation. Two dc’s at private school, hefty mortgage and a wife who refused to work. His kids were 11& 14. So no need for wife to do school runs etc as both got bus to school.
Anyway mum paid for school fee’s and mortgage for 2 years until DB was back in work. He had a bit of a breakdown being out of work and due to being high up in his field he found it tricky to get a job.
He had to drop a pay scale when he did get a job and mum continued to help them financially.
During all of this wife left him, they got back together once he was back in employment but she decided the marriage was over and he’s moved out of the family home.
So my DB is in a tiny flat while she lives in the house that she has made no financial contribution towards. My mum paid their mortgage for years plus gave them a huge deposit when they bought their first home.
But the wife now has the house.
So stop funding them because if it does go wrong you will not get a penny back.

@whitechocolatespaceegg

EA = emotional abuse

Would there not be benefits available to subsidise a newly self employed person rather than needing his mum to do it. Maybe the dil disagrees with business idea & would rather her husband works, maybe she doesn’t agree with the risk & doesn’t feel the children deserve to suffer for it by her going back to work? Maybe he’s said “I’m doing it anyway, my mums going to help me” & she’s said “well if your mum wants to put her money where her mouth is, so be it, but I’m not enabling this risk taking behaviour”. If you can’t afford it don’t give it. Most people wouldn’t have the luxury of a mum to fall back on.

WOW
I’m off to see if my parents in law can subsidize us 😂😂
I’m a stay at home mum - and home educate - my Hubble has just taken a far less stressful job for far less money (and he wasn’t on THAT much in the first place) almost a 35% cut in pay. If we find we can’t live on his new wage I fully accept that the girls will go to school and I’ll get a job. Or find something around his work hours which mean we can both school them. I would NEVER EVER even imagine to accep tmoney off my parents or his!! And it doesn’t sound like it’s a tenner here or there. I find it astounding. You definitely need to put a time limit on it. And do you expect that they will pay it back?

I'm assuming that your DIL is the full time carer of their children so she actually already has an (unpaid) job.
I don't understand how you are giving your grown up child money each month.
If she wants to get a job, then surely it would be better to offer help with the pre-school and after school childcare etc as I very much doubt that financially she could afford to get a job within school hours and paying for childcare.

I'm at the idea that an eco- bohemian home doesn't need ANY cleaning. Ever! With 2 kids! OP seems to think that all that's needed is a couple of loads of washing put in and miraculously the place is spotless while dil does absolutely nothing. The eco houses I've visited take much more upkeep than any conventional home.

I'd love a totally self cleaning eco-bohemian house. Where do I get one?

I’d just completing stop giving them money and say you can no longer afford it. Why should you do a 3 month period of giving more than you can afford?
They can easily do what other people do and get a job/new job/second job, take a mortgage holiday, move house.

You should really stay out of their financial business as they’re fully grown adults.
Think about your own retirement as I don’t think anyone else will

How convenient for DiL that she is being allowed to be stubborn and refuse to work - how many other people on Mumsnet would love the chance to be heavily subsidised with someone else's money - 50% of their income, no less! - and stay at home? You have been fantastically generous, above and beyond, and it is time this woman woke up to the fact that she is a married adult with children and needs to get out there and help support them and organise and fund her own life. You have seen them over a very bad patch, and with reasonable notice - say three months - I really would stop this amazing contribution that you have been making and allow these two adults to grow up.

DIL sounds very entitled and seems to have it all her own way. It’s like she’s living this life of leisure funded by you. It’s so irresponsible! This is your hard earned money and you now deserve to do the things you want with it. You have been more than generous but you are also enabling her behaviour. I agree with previous posts, give them some notice then reduce payments. There’s no reason you can’t help out from time to time if you want to but this is ridiculous. They are grown adults.

Eother they compromise their lifestyle, he goes back to a corporate role or she works too.