Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

I’m going to stop now, because it’s jusy turned into people attacking sahp and calling us lazy. No way this is going to get anywhere.

How feasible is this business of his, though? Is it something that's been well thought out; something he has the skills for, something that he can provide at a price customers will pay, something there is sufficient local demand for? It might be that a better solution would be for him to start jobhunting, rather than demanding a woman with no skills and no employment history suddenly get a high-earning job that fits round school hours.

There are plenty of devoted mothers out there who would love to be SAHM but need to work to bring money in for their family.

I find it pretty disgusting that your DIL would happily accept money from you to fund her staying at home, says skit about the type of person she is.

If I were you I would slowly withdraw your financial help - with plenty of notice (eg. One more month of current amount, then the following month you will be giving them
Half the amount then the next month only a quarter etc.)

She needs to start pulling her weight, while your DS business gets off the ground.

You are enabling this.

You would be better off saving money for your DGC future (I have a university age DS and it's so expensive, a little best egg at this age would make a huge difference)

Don't take it personally @Withgraceinmyheart, it's about the specific circumstances described in the OP, not a general judgment about all SAHPs.

😒 I’m not a SAHM

But from the point of view of a SAHM the above is totally true! Did I not state that I ‘knew women who were being classed as SAHM’s despite partners earning £80k+

The above was an accurate example of exactly how it works - I put myself in their shoes and situation - but I appreciate if that is beyond you and you just assumed that was my life!

You’re ‘economically inactive’ until it comes to anything beneficial to you in which case your partners earning are classed as your own, great!!

I'm not attaching SAHPs at all. If your children are under school age, it's better than any other form of child care. It's an excuse not to work once they're at school.

@ I’m seeing a lot of small minded bigots attacking SAHM’s and refusing to acknowledge the inequalities they already face - and generally being very rude!

@withgrace

.... but not many adults - if you see any @Delta do please point them out to us all 😬

yes, staged withdrawal then it's up to them to make their own decisions.

Don't blame us for the definition of economically inactive. The government does that.

@Delta

Me: SAHM’s are given total shit - all the negativity and stigma of being unemployed but none of the benefits as when it suits the government they decide parters income is joint income!

@Delta - You’re spouting nonsense go to bed adults are talking!

🤔 Arguing that a woman should be independent and ‘get a job’ whilst simultaneously telling me that by pointing our injustices that face SAHM’s I’m less than an adult.

😬 Seems to me that somebody just doesn’t like alternative (reasonable) opinions and it also seems I’m not the only one who thinks you’re being a but cruel towards SAHM’s

Stop giving them money she's a grown woman who can get a job if needs be or they'll have to cut back. You can't pay for their life style choices.

ALso, the son was clearly OK with his wife being SAHM prior to him getting the push and deciding to start up on his own. It is not reasonable and sensible to demand she go out to work now, simply because it's almost impossible that she will find anything paying more than minimum wage anyway.

An awful lot of men who are made redundant - or sacked - decide to 'start a business' - and many of these businesses are hopeless wank that will never make a penny.

WOW both you and your son are allowing your DIL to be a lazy so and so....
perhaps she might consider contributing by a part time job whilst children are at school?

@BlueLady

Don’t worry - I don’t suspect you of physical writing economic policy on these matters

But just because the government ‘class’ it that way doesn’t mean that it’s morally right And if you use it to back up your point of view you should be prepared for people to think you agree with it!

• physically

When times are tight, you all muck in the best you can. That's exactly it.

My comments on this thread have all been in relation to the specific circumstances of the OP. I have not discussed SAHPs in general as it's not relevant. Stop projecting and trying to make out that I have.

My comments on this thread have all been in relation to the specific circumstances of the OP. I have not discussed SAHPs in general as it's not relevant. Stop projecting and trying to make out that I have.

I stated the fact. As it happens, despite being a tax payer, I'm classed as economically inactive because I'm retired. All it means is I'm not part of the job market. It isn't an insult.

And I’m back, couldn’t stay away.

Thank you delta and blue for saying you’re not attacking SAHMs, sorry for taking your posts personally. I do appreciate that it’s a different situation once the kids are in school.

I’m just empathetic to DIL, because I’m aware that my DH could easily put me in the same position if he was minded to (he would absolutely would never). I’d barely earn anything unless I had the chance to retrain. It’s a vulnerable thing to have trusted your partner like that and I feel sorry for her having the goal posts moved from whatever they’d agreed to do.

So basically I’m doing a bit of projecting and being a bit defensive.

Sorry about that!

I've not read the thread but I find it staggering that you and your son seem to have made these descion and arrangements without your dils say so, you've put her in a position she's unhappy with!

It doesn't sound like a there was any proper sit down chat between all of you at all.

Stress levels usually do increase with salary sadly that's part and parcel of life.
We don't know the other side to this.
Whilst it's kind of you to subside your son I also feel it's quite controlling to place controls on someone's else life as a result.

You should have all sorted this out first.

There is no way I would reach into my dc families and do this without the express permission from both married parties.

Yes it's nice but not if it's putting strain on a marriage.

"But I take your point about the difficulty of getting PT jobs to fit around school hours. I suppose I'd just like to know that she is actually trying."

Certainly it can be difficult getting PT jobs to fit around school hours, so might I make a suggestion?

Stop giving them your money and instead offer to hire your DIL on a self-employed PT/school hours basis as a cleaner/gardener.

Just because she doesn't do housework, doesn't mean she can't learn to do it. So while her children are at school she could make herself useful at your beck-and-call, while earning at the same time!

Who knows, if she did that, between them they might then be entitled to Working Tax Credit????

They sound like a lazy pair!

@Withgrace, like I said I think pre school SAHP is gold standard child care and it's tough. I also think OP's dil is taking the piss.

@Delta @Blue

I really don’t think there is a straight forward ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to this OP

I get that you both think the DIL should go to work but to me, that is equal to saying DP should go back to a proper job too!

Both of them are making choices negatively impacting family finances and in doing so being a bit lazy and irresponsible!

Yes he’s ‘started a business’ but how realistic/ time consuming/ actually viable this is we have no clue!

OP inferences that DIL is primary career for kids which is surely equivalent to a PT job, so Jumping in saying ‘DIL’ should go back to work - in my opinion- reflects a negative bias towards the SAHP in this situation. Both are equally to blame/useless so why zone in on just her?

Perhaps they should both change - DP go back to corporate job (at least PT) and DIL take a PT job! However neither of them are willing to do that so in my opinion BOTH EQUALLY WRONG!

@Delta - I appreciate your comments were in regards to this situation but the more you dig your heels in about DIL being wrong/made goady and rude comments to points made, the more it seemed you disliked the SAHM role. Given other comments I wasn’t the only one to pick up on the general ‘anti SAHM’ vibe this thread was quickly getting!