Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

Look at it realistically.

DIL has never worked. Presumably therefore not qualified in any trade and so will only really be able to get a minimum wage job. To fit in with school hours will work say 4-6 hours per day max without incurring extra childcare costs and factoring in a commute after drop off/pick up. So she will earn a max of £50/day gross.

DS probably earned in one day of his fancy corporate job what DIL is expected to earn in a whole month.

He needs to put his entrepreneurial dreams aside and go back to the workplace.

I would absolutely defend a SAHD in the same position. I would not call him a ‘cock lodger’.

The people on this thread who think the DIL is a lazy bitch possibly would. Although I doubt it, there’d probably be talk of how he sacrificed his career to enable her to have her corporate dream job and now she’s thrown it all away.

SAHDs tend to get a lot more respect than SAHMs.

*@bluelady

Also it just really irritates me when people say ‘it’s 2019’ as though it’s not ok to want to be a SAHM!

Feminism is about the ‘right’ to ‘choose’ the life you want not having it inflicted on you!

50 years ago it wasn’t socially acceptable for mothers to have independant careers.

In 50 years time I doubt it’ll be socially acceptable for a mother to stay at home with small children!

I already hear of SAHM’s being refered to as ‘unemployed’ despite their DH bringing home £80k + a year!

Fair enough if there’s no DP on the scene and they’re living on benefits but if your household income is £80k a year how the hell are you unemployed??

Not from me when there's no need for a SAHP.

He got made redundant and then decided not to look for another job. That’s quitting his career.

It doesn't matter who's to blame it is not the OP's responsibility to fund her ds's household. At his stage of life, he shouldn't be taking money off his retired mother. I'm a SAHM whose dh has a high income job so we've decided that arrangement works for us. However if my dh lost his job, I would do anything rather than take a penny from either set of parents.

SAHDs get more respect? In what universe? The two that I know are routinely on the receiving end of snidey comments from both men and women.

A SAHP is unemployed by the government's definition as they're economically inactive. The amount their partner earns is irrelevant.

A SAHP is unemployed by the government's definition as they're economically inactive

Fair enough, it’s technically true, but it’s no one else’s business how a couple works out their childcare arrangements. SAHM are unemployed, who cares.

Amazing how some women think it's the man's job to support them and the family. When times are tight, you all muck in the best you can. Whether she wants to work or wants to loll about is not really relevant. Is there one good reason why you, a retired woman, should support a young fit woman who is capable of working?

@Delta

Telling someone they can’t do something they want to
Is the same as telling someone they must do something they don’t want to! Both are wrong!

So I’m not sure why you’re using them as ‘opposites’ to make a point!

He would be wrong to stop her getting a career she wanted but also to force her to get a career she didn’t!

He doesn't want her to get a career. He wants her to get a job and make a financial contribution.

@MissEliza

Me too. I think most reasonable people would. It's only the lazy and entitled that would rather tie themselves in knots trying to invent every excuse under the sun for not getting off their backsides to support themselves and their children.

@Blue Lady

Ah ok, well since I’m an ‘unemployed’ mother then I’ll take all those benefits I’m entitled to then please?

😮 What? I’m not entitled to ANYTHING because my household is ‘economically active’ well above the threshold as my partner is earning more than 75% of the UK; and because I’m caring for the child that is equally his responsinility, under a shared roof, enabling him to earn and therefore you attribute his earnings as also being mine, so that you don’t have to pay me?

😏 Seem I’m ‘economically active’ when it suits them!

Forget about DIL and her attitude to working or not working; the fact that your son would agree to take 50% of your income is appalling. He has many more years than you of earning power left and you (well I don't know what age you are) surely have much less left and should be comfortable in retirement. Who would compromise their parent in this way, you have already put in your time and your support to get him to adulthood.

@BlueLady

In her situation yes I would get a part time job and contribute. HOWEVER, it is a choice in the DP’s part to put them in this situation and I don’t agree with it!

Yeah so basically you just don’t like sahps. That’s pretty much all that’s going on here.

@Delta

I work full time for a multinat - I’m simply empathising with the situation many of my friends are in

MrDarcyWillBeMine, your household isn't economically inactive. YOU are.

Blimey. Hubby also left nightmare corporate job and went freelance. We adapted our lifestyle accordingly. PIL paid for two terms of dance fees and that’s it!

I’d reduce the amount you’re giving them now and stop in March. Something like that.

Make your mind up; you just said you're an unemployed mother supported by your DH; now in the next breath you are employed full-time for a multinational. Full of shit is actually the most likely, I think.

@Delta

Your posts just don’t make sense

Me-

• you can’t force people to change
• you get what you sign up for
• he changed the equilibrium not her so unsure why it’s her fault

You-

• if roles were reversed MN would be in uproar!

🤔 yes because MN is always in uproar when a woman is being forced to do something she doesn’t want to!

Not taking a job she wants
Taking a job she doesn’t

They’re both equally bad - making a point that one is bad- does not mean the other isn’t also bad!

Sounds like you encouraged his business idea & giving up work by offering money - did you offer a limited time or amount, or to be a partner in the business or anything similar?

What does dil think of his business idea? You shouldn't comment on their marriage or about how 'he can't get her to see....'. It really isn't your business & you can bet your ass that if my dh gave up a career with decent pay & started his own business from mil advice, I'd be highly pissed off & disinclined to inconvenience myself further to pander to them. From your posts it sounds like she is the outsider. This does not make you a friend or supporter of their marriage imo.

in what universe

Erm. In my universe? I know a lot more than 2 sahds.