Son, DIL, money (mine)

[OhdratNC]

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

@Withgraceinmyheart

Kudos to you for your honesty.

If this plays on your mind, maybe you could look at the possibilities for training?

Mr darcy good post.

There is vicious anti sahm on the thread.

It's impossible to comment on but all I'm seeing is a man and his mum making decisions for her the dil, telling her what to do and what to be grateful for like a child.

I see a perhaps misguided op trying to control her sons family.

Perhaps dil wanted a different way around this problem perhaps she wanted him to get a more stable job. He's gone against her wishes, taken a massive risk so she's happy for him and his mum to go on this little journey themselves.

Op is a grown woman too and like I said previously should never ever have made this offer without both married parties agreeing to it.
It's an extremely toxic move and I wouldn't be surprised if this marriage fails.
Perhaps she would rather be poor and free!

@WithGrace

❤️ You are not alone in this and not wrong!

Having primary aged children and working is very hard - a friend of mine was put under the worst anxiety/stress from her PT job as DD (7) kept getting recurrent chest infections!

Was once even told she couldn’t go to pick up DD from school when they rang 😡

When people say ‘they’re at school you could work’ they don’t understand how unaccepting/ inflexible some workplaces can be for mother’s of young children!

If you want to retain then do it! 🎉
But don’t be made to feel you should by anyone! I think being a SAHM is fine until they’re starting ‘big school’ and immune systems have developed/ they’re more independent!

Xx

I have absolutely nothing against SAHPs to pre-school age children. It's really bloody difficult and certainly not easier than going out to work. If it was, more men would be doing it.

I also don't think the DH in this scenario is blameless, but he lost his job and is at least attempting to do something to generate an income. The DIL by contrast is refusing to do anything, despite the fact that the children are at school and her family are clearly struggling financially. What kind of wife and mother does that? This is what I can't get my head around.

@Zevite

Thanks - it’s a real problem now and even worse it’s often women attacking other women!

**Women like this make me despair for us ever hoping to achieve equality; on one hand some of us are demanding the right to equal pay and on the other, there are those demanding to be kept, pampered and not having to work, just because they're female.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

@Delta, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Nobody knows better than me how hard it is to work with small children. I worked full time and I was a single mum. Which is why I have no time for piss takers.

Why all of the scorn for minimum wage jobs, as though they should be beneath the DIL who has never worked? I would have thought that a minimum wage job would be exactly up her street as she appears to need an unskilled role. She doesn't actually need childcare during school hours so every penny she earns would contribute towards their household costs. Care agencies, cleaning companies, supermarkets, fast food chains all seem to advertise plenty of roles, often at more than NMW.

@Bluelady the "free pass" as you so charmingly call it, ends when the children no longer need a parent to be available to look after them without paying for childcare. Certainly at 7 and 11 they need someone who is there to get them to school, be there after school, help with homework, take them to medical appointments, be off sick with them, school holidays etc. Not to mention the school concerts, parent meetings, assemblies, school trips. All the stuff that working parents miss. Just getting a part time job that you work fewer than 5 hours a day with 13 weeks holiday and allows parental days off at the drop of a hat isn't easy, and certainly wouldn't pay much at all.

And frankly I couldn't give a shit if you believe I'd have the same view of a man in that situation. Of course you wouldn't, because that wouldn't fit your narrative of this being a double standard and of women not wanting equality. It is 2019, women have the right to choose their path in life without being called lazy bitches for choosing to be a SAHM

@DeltaG You are correct we can only go on what the OP said. You know what she didn't say? That the son had tried but couldn't find salaried work. You can bet your arse she would have mentioned that in her attempts to discredit DIL. In a year his new business is failing to meet the families needs. What kind of father puts his own job satisfaction over the need of his children to have a roof over their head and a mother present to look after them when they need it?

@Stickerrocks It's not scorn. It's that a minimum wage job is unlikely to keep the wolf from the door if his business isn't doing well and their mortgage is worthy of a corporate salary.

@Yabbers, my child needed all that. However, as I had no partner and had to work full time, a free pass wasn't available to me. OP's dil will get very little sympathy from single parents. Once children reach school age being a SAHP is a luxury.

But every £1 she earns is one less they need to take from OP. If she can earn £30 a day or £150 per week, that 100% better than the absolutely nothing she is contributing at the moment. Marginal gains.

An awful lot of men who are made redundant - or sacked - decide to 'start a business' - and many of these businesses are hopeless wank that will never make a penny

You’ve said this better than I could. If the first year of running your own business is “low stress” and “fewer hours” than a 9-5 job, you’re doing it wrong. This sounds like a glorified hobby.

If the family needs to replace a full-time salary to pay the mortgage, one hobby business and 16hrs a week min wage are not going to cut it. Are they claiming all the benefits they are entitled to? Is the mortgage interest-only?

I haven't RTFT just the OP but my god!!
Your DIL is a cheeky grabbing entitled bitch taking your money while refusing to support her kids and your son needs to grow a fucking backbone!!!!

But every £1 she earns is one less they need to take from OP - they don't need to take anything from the OP and the OP doesn't need to give it. This is not the normal arrangement in life that when you are hard up you have a third party who hands out cash!

Yabbers, the children are of school age, they don't need someone at home to look after them, because they aren't at home.

And when are you going to understand that earning money to put a roof over your children's heads is more important than the choice to be a SAHM. There is no choice here, she needs to work to help support herself and her kids because her husband lost his job. That's it, end of discussion.

And what if the dil doesn't want this?
What if she doesn't want to the money or her dh starting up a business?

What about the toxic rot of deciding for one married person... With your child.

Never in a million years would I do this

When people say ‘they’re at school you could work’ they don’t understand how unaccepting/ inflexible some workplaces can be for mother’s of young children!

We do understand how unaccepting/inflexible some workplaces can be for mothers of young children, because some of us have actually worked full time since our DC were a few months old. However, we managed. The children In the household described have 2 parents, so both can take time off for the odd sick day if necessary. In fact, their father should be able to be more flexible as he is self employed.

There's a lot we don't actually know - and a lot that some people ought to know but conveniently forget in their hurry to bash this DIL.

• We don't know how viable this business is.
• We don't know if the family are getting what they are entitled to in the way of tax credits etc.
• We don't know what, if any, financial advice they have had.

And what some of you either don't know or don't remember is that it is really difficult to find a PT job that fits around school-age DC, and you can quadruple that if you have no skills and no employment history. There are so many people desperately seeking 'second' jobs to make ends meet, as well as all the jobseekers who have skills and experience - and aren't going to need time off at the drop of a hat because the DC have a bout of the shits and can't be sent to school.
I'm a single parent, and I have had years of juggling all sorts of odd jobs around school hours but I had the skills and contacts for one specific type of flexible work to start with. Finding other things has been a constant struggle.

I completely agree that they don't need to take anything from the OP. Pride should dictate that they don't take a penny from her. However, if the bottomless pit of cash is suddenly cut off from them, it really shouldn't matter if the DIL earns £8 an hour or £80 per hour, as long as both her and her DH are maximising their earning potential.

The ops son can't be that much out-of pocket. He got low stress job. Not having money is biggest stress there is... This is a pet project of mum and son not dil.

She's not part of their descion making while he funds his dream with mum.

Op didn't say... My son is sick with worry and stress because he can't afford the roof over his head because he lost his job, can't find another and his wife refused to work.

In that scenario of course dil should help with dc in school. This is entirely different scenario and op is indulging her son when most business start ups fail.... And is dragging dil into it.

Maybe dil was happy being poor but surviving? Maybe she would get a job soon we don't know.

But making decisions with one part of a marriage without the other...

Recipe for disaster.

We don't need to know anything else because it's all tangential. The fact is, the woman refuses to work to support herself and her children.

That finding a job is hard is an absolutely pitiful excuse to not even try.

Some SAHP saying no point in working as they'd only get low wage jobs.

Regardless of qualifications, does anyone really earn much in school hours only roles? I think I know one person who earns an OK-ish wage and it's not a long term thing.

I would have liked to work part time when DD were young, so I could do stuff at school. I did do this for a couple of years.
Then DH lost his job and became the SAHP while I worked full time.
Not what either of us wanted, but a means to an end.
A partnership is where roles change to meet circumstances and needs.
DIL needs to get a job or they need to sell the house and reduce the expenses.

What a joke. My DH works and earns more than enough to support the three of us. But I want to work a)so I can pay some bills b)so I have my own savings. Your DIL should do the same. Not only for the family but for her. She sounds like a lazy, entitled brat

The fact is, the woman refuses to work to support herself and her children

No that is what her DH has told his DM whilst taking his DM's money. So its hearsay, not even a first person account. Even the OP admits the DiL is making a contribution - maybe the tooth fairy leaves it under her pillow. Nor do you know what the DiL has done in terms of looking for work - that may be a factor

If they are on tax credits it may cost them for her to take low paid casual work.

Or if you want to take the OP as gospel then by the same token - the DH is also refusing to get a job to support the family. He has taken all the family savings and half her income into some business venture which isn't supporting the family - that is equally a vanity exercise he can't afford.

I don't see why he is in the morally superior position.