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Original poster

Son, DIL, money (mine)

506 replies

OhdratNC · 03/01/2019 15:23

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 20:31

A part time job that she is likely to get though is not going to help is it - that is the point.

Either both (or just him its hard to tell) have started on this journey of him being self employed without thinking it through. Her getting a part time job (presumably around the kids as I dont see any mention of the fact that he isnt going to be focusing on his start up) is not going to have any effect

However you look at it OP is enabling a situation that really she should not be. They need to sort between them and be realistic

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 20:32

I am absolutely astonished that people are even attempting to defend the position of a grown woman who is refusing to pay for her own children. It's indefensible

Where is that then?

Plenty of posts saying she will need to find work, plenty pointing out that the chances of her work materially contributing substantially are low.

Rather more posts saying she is a "lazy bitch" or a "cocklodger" without having a clue about what the situation is beyond the OPs version of what her DS said.

A lot less suggesting that the DS should get off his arse and find a job.

I'd have thought a feminist forum would judge women by what they do rather than what their husbands say about them second hand.

Littlechocola · 03/01/2019 20:32

I think I might not want to work anymore either. I wonder if my family will help me?

I wouldn’t accept it.

Withgraceinmyheart · 03/01/2019 20:34

delta

I’m astonished that people are defending a grown man whose decided to quit his career and start a business with no plan at all as to how to provide for his family.

No way his partner being a dinner lady is going to cover it. Like literally none.

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 20:35

If we imagine the sexes were reversed here, the advice would be to get rid of the lazy, cock-lodging, useless excuse for a father. LTB would be all over this.

So, if I were the OP's son, that's exactly what I'd do. Kick this waste of space to the kerb and force her to provide for herself. He'd no longer have the millstone that she is, hanging around his neck, so would free up extra cash to make up the shortfall from his mother.

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 20:38

Decided to quit his career? He got made redundant! How do you know he didn't try to find another similar position but was unsuccessful, so started up himself. I know several people like this. In any case, he's doing more than her, which is fuck all.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 20:38

My dad bitterly resented my mum not working outside the home. It's certainly not something I'd be comfortable with.

Presumably he did 50% of the night shifts, the baby care, the work around the house, the cleaning, the cooking, the washing?

I see plenty of men whining about women "not working outside the home" whilst doing a lot less than they reckon inside it.

Even if your dad was a saint and your mum spent her days painting her nails - how is that relevant to this situation?

Even in the OP's version the DiL is reluctant to go out to work to subsidise this business wheeze. Considering how much money has been sunk into it and they are still not close to living on it she may well be right. We don't know if her earning a few quid on low wages will make the finances worse - it may do depending on their tax/benefits situation. We don't know if she would find work (if available) to support him in a regular but less well paid job.

We don't even know if the DiL actually knows how much the MiL is contributing as the discussion seems to be through her son.

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 20:39

Aah Delta you have totally bought the way the OP has sold it havent you.

As I (and others) have said it would be interesting to get the viewpoint of the DIL or indeed someone who knows them.

The OP rhetoric is very much my son can do no wrong/evil EA DIL. Whilst it could be true, my feeling in reading between the lines the actual truth is very different in what actually has happened

Also the one (and only) thing the OP has said is that she is a very good mother so its hardly the same as a useless excuse for a father.

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 20:42

Yes of course, because we can only go on the info that the OP provides. You reading between the lines/making up as you go along is just fantasy.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 20:43

If we imagine the sexes were reversed here, the advice would be to get rid of the lazy, cock-lodging, useless excuse for a father. LTB would be all over this.

No my reaction would be exactly the same - if the OP was the parent of one partner in a marriage reporting one partner's view of things and subsidising that partner.

The DS has put all the family savings and is taking half his mother's money for a venture which is producing no income. I think that is taking the piss.

The home based can go out cleaning from dawn til dusk, its not going to compensate for a CF who is qualified but doesn't want to get a job to support the family.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 20:45

Yes of course, because we can only go on the info that the OP provides. You reading between the lines/making up as you go along is just fantasy

If it were the DiL or DS posting I'd say yes that is the case. Here we have an OP who themselves is going on hearsay. In that case its reasonable to put alternative possibilities to the OP.

The OP has not responded to questions about the nature of the business idea or how she knows that the DiL is aware of her contribution or even if the DiL is on board with the massive financial risk the DS has taken. I suspect the OP is being taken for a ride as well

luckylavender · 03/01/2019 20:46

Wow. DIL seems to be taking all the flack here but what about the DS? It's all very well setting up your own business if you can afford to do so, and this isn't the case here. They need to sort it out themselves OP.

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2019 20:46

Ok but she does clearly state that the DIL is a good mother - so your bit about equating her to a useless parent is fantasy

And reading between the lines isnt making it up - its noticing what is said and how and she says it. Making the same as a cocklodger is not different - because actually at no point does she say that

Bluelady · 03/01/2019 20:52

My God, some of you are unreal - you do realise this is 2019?

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 20:56

She isn't a good mother by definition as she isn't prepared to go out to work to provide for her own children. If a man wasn't willing to do this, he'd rightly be labelled a crap father. So, similarly, she is a crap mother.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 03/01/2019 20:57

🤔 @Bluelady

Genuinely not sure what your point is-

It’s 2019 and she should get a job?
Or
It’s 2019 and it’s fine to be whatever you want to be as long as you’re upfront?

If the first then I’ll kibdly remind you that acceptance of non stereo type gender roles is AWESOME but INFLICTION of them is not cool!

Just because ‘It’s 2019’ does not mean a woman can not/ should not be a SAHM if that’s the agreement they came to pre kids!

To suggest anything else is just as small minded as if ‘it were 1950’

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 03/01/2019 20:58

Her DP is the only one who has changed the equilibrium here and to (by the sounds of it) chase a dream instead of paying the bills!

Bluelady · 03/01/2019 21:00

The current situation is not the one that existed pre kids. The children are at school, there's no necessity for anyone to be a SAHP. I'll ask again, when does the free pass run out?

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 03/01/2019 21:03

🤔 and yes I would think the same if genders were reversed!

You can’t/shouldn’t expect a partner to change! If I decided to marry a guy who didn’t work and showed no inclination to - maybe I shouldn’t complain 10 years down the line when he still feels that way!

It’s a stupid as the threads from women who ‘really want kids’ who are with men who ‘really don’t’ and just hanging around hoping they’ll change their minds 🤔

Do you also go buy baked beans from Tesco and keep your fingers crossed that it’s custard when you open the can? Jeez 😡😂

fiorentina · 03/01/2019 21:04

Your son setting up his own business has severely impacted their income, as well as DILs choice to not work, she isn’t to blame. Can your son not supplement his work at his own business with paid employment? Weekend job for example - a friends DP works for an estate agent at weekends to provide a regular income whilst he sets up his own business, or some consultancy?

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 21:04

Circumstances change and people change. If the DIL decided she wanted to go out to work and her husband was against this as they had agreed that she'd be a SAHM, MN would be up in arms at him. The sexism and double standards here are simply shocking.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 03/01/2019 21:04

@because children at school are like no children at all!!!

Wow- rolling in free time I bet she is!

Withgraceinmyheart · 03/01/2019 21:05

‘The free pass’!!!

See that’s you’re actual problem right there. You’re total disdain for SAHP.

Bluelady · 03/01/2019 21:06

Totally agree @Delta. Custard and baked beans followed by silly faces - lost me totally.

lboogy · 03/01/2019 21:06

Sorry OP but you sound like an interfering MIL to me. You can't use your financial contributions to buy a say in their marriage.

Does your DIL even know you're helping out financially?

You've spoken of your disapproval that DIL doesn't matter work. You are only getting your son's side of why she doesn't want to work. Like others have said maybe she's not working because the net income would be negligible

Tbh I blame your son for over extending himself and selling your DIL the idea that she could be a sahm. Now he's finding things stressful and all of a sudden it's DILs fault that his choice to reduce his income now is impacting her

Also being a sahm doesn't mean your son has to do sweet FA around the house.

You need to stay out of their marriage and their finances