Why are some people successful?

[Gwenhwyfar]

I'd like to get your opinions on why some people are successful (particularly at work, but also in general) and others are unsuccessful. I'm looking for personality types and soft skills rather than hard skills I understand that someone with a masters in a STEM subject might have a better chance of making money than someone with a BA in an Arts subject or just GCSEs, but I'm thinking more of things like being confident, being positive, being sociable and why do you think some people have those qualities and others don't. Is it down to early childhood or are they things that can change throughout our lives?

Op, you sound a lot like me.

I'm currently an administrator within the NHS and hate it. What a pp said about promotions being given to managements closest pals is true. There is serious toxicity and low morale, its dead end.
I've spent the past year doing a lot of soul searching and realised that although having a good brain and decent intelligence, I've never aimed high and always put myself down. Subsequently had poor friendships/relationships, suffered depression, the whole nine yards.
While my parents have always been encouraging, an "office job" has always been their idea of success as they are of an older generation when this was considered quite well to do. "Theres only office jobs and retail. There are no factories left" is a long held opinion of theirs!
Admin really is just a treadmill, you can run like hell but just remain in the same place.
Ive found this thread really inspiring and in my case, it definitely means starting with a completely different, more positive mindset. The only other idea I have at the moment is getting out of admin altogether. But into what...?

Luck, hard work and resilience - take the opportunities. Recognise that some opportunities may only come once - life is a gamble, you'll wont know whether it pans out or not but if you won't find out if you never make the choice. Most people "settle" in that they restrict themselves geographically even if they have no dependants which is a legitimate choice. Pros and cons either way.

"While my parents have always been encouraging, an "office job" has always been their idea of success as they are of an older generation when this was considered quite well to do."

My parents are the opposite. They think people with degrees should be able to get better jobs than admin. They don't really understand that it depends what you studied and how good you are and that lots of career people have masters' degrees these days. They don't make me feel bad about it, but I suppose I do myself.

Tenpenny - I've always known that the only way to success is to get out of admin altogether - never worked anywhere where there were jobs an admin person could be promoted to. I've also never known what else to go into, which I'm sure is 70% of the problem. I've got nothing to work towards.

I think luck is a small part. If you believe success is all down to luck then that is probably why you aren't successful!
I'd say confidence, belief that you can, hard work and positive mindset are at the heart of it. Owning your mistakes and learning from them rather than blaming others too

Maybe a career advisor would be a good place to start for us, Gwen? Someone who can help us list our skills and strengths and show us the bigger picture.

"I'd say confidence, belief that you can, hard work and positive mindset are at the heart of it"

But having these things is luck isn't it?

Tenpenny - been to careers advisors before. They're better at telling you how to get a certain job than helping you find what you should be doing. I have been contemplating a life coach.

Self belief and positivity are things you can train yourself to think and requires practise. I lack motivation and self discipline so repeatedly failed at this.
Life coach sounds like a great idea actually.

I don't think having 'those things' is luck. Far from it. You make your own luck. You push your boundaries. You step out of your comfort zone. You take calculated risks and you never settle. It isn't easy but good things rarely come easy.

OP it's good you want to change something about your life/career but you sound quite negative. I'm not trying to be rude but almost all your posts are negative or excuses or just sounding a little bitter. I'm sure that isn't the real you but there's definitely a lack of 'can-do' attitude. Do you realise how you come across? That may sound harsh but I think it's important that you hear this. Have you considered trying CBT? It will help you with the way you react to situations.

Rather than wanting someone to tell you what to do (like a careers advisor or a life coach), you need to take ownership yourself. Get out there and try something new. Do voluntary work in a field that interests you or get a hobby but do something! You've not told us what you actually like although you say you want a job that is enjoyable. What is that? And is that what success is to you? I know lots of very successful people who don't enjoy their jobs but see them as a necessary evil to pay the bills so they can do what they enjoy outside of work.

But having these things is luck isn't it?

Having them from day 1 is luck. But once you know they are some of the building blocks of success you can choose to act that way even if you don't have it built in. CBT, for example, is all about replacing your default patterns of thinking with ones that work better for you.

Here's an example from my own life:

I am naturally bad at people skills. I don't mean to be, it's just I'm a bit of a weirdo and if I treat people the way I personally would like to be treated it comes across as blunt or even aggressive. So that was a professional problem for me because I got people's backs up without realising it, then suddenly there would be a huge blow up which everyone else could see had been building for some time, but to me was totally out of the blue.

Eventually I ended up with a manager who told me what the problem was and since then I've made sure I am extra-careful with people's feelings, and if I even suspect I've crossed a line I immediately speak to the person to apologise. (Almost always, they are ok about it. In fact it often makes the relationship a bit stronger not just because I've apologised, but because I've been honest and admitted to a weakness.) I also have an informal mentor around who knows it's an area of weakness for me and if I'm not sure about a situation will help me work through it and decide the best approach. That's not the same person all the time BTW, just at any point in time I make sure I have that backup.

Now I get feedback about how good I am with people. I'm still the same weirdo underneath so it'll always be something I have to work to keep right, but the point is I can work at it and gain a trait that I didn't have the luck to have from day 1.

So - there's an example of bad luck to have the poor skills in the first place, good luck to have someone tell me it was a problem, and humility and hard work to accept the problem and work on fixing it.

Knowing what you want to do, who you are and what you are good at but also having the confidence and self esteem to apply yourself makes for a successful person imo.

I know a lot of people from immigrant families who came from humble backgrounds with parents who weren’t fluent in English and didn’t even understand the system.
They’ve all done well and are probably considered successful.
The one thing they had in common was parents with a strong work ethic who expected their children to do well in school and had aspirations for them.

Some attributes that often make valued employees are that they are bright, alert, questioning, often have many interests, good at teamwork. Even if they don't always have to best qualifications for the job initially, if they have the above attributes they will usually pick up anything they need to know very quickly.

Of course, both luck and hard works both play a part, but usually a very small part. Most people can overcome bad luck but some people don't take advantage of good luck. Lots of people work hard and don't achieve anything, others don't yet are highly successful.

Personally, I think it's more about identifying opportunities, taking responsibility for yourself, learning from mistakes, always looking and thinking about how to do things to put yourself in a better position.

Charisma. The ability to make people believe you are the best at what you do. That’s what separates the successful people I know, not actual ability or hardwork (though it must play some role too).

I think the thing is that you're looking around for reasons why you aren't doing better at work, but there doesn't seem to be something specific that you want to do. I think the desire to do something is what drives most people. I was happy to work hard in teaching but never wanted to go into management, so I directed my hard work towards the students and their work. I wanted to be a writer so then focused all of my spare time on that. I was the only person in my MA who got published and I think I was the only one there who really wanted it enough to do the work. You've got to enjoy the hard work and know what it is you want to achieve - it's not enough to just wish you were more successful.

All the super-successful people I know are or have:

• very high energy levels
• competitive
• self-assured
• focussed / driven
• logical

And have confidence.

The friends and family I am thinking of include a v successful music artist, CEO of a large organisation, company director, doctor, QC and head of large PA department for household brand.

I suppose this is confidence isn't it. Do you think your parents gave you that confidence?

Definitely not my parents. My dad was never much of a parent. He didn’t understand boundaries and would treat me like one of the lads. Fun when you get to skip school to go to Chessington, but not great in the long term. My mum has always tried to squash me down, I feel. She never encouraged my ambitions and instead seemed to try to dampen my passions and anything that made me stand out. Even today, she’d be happier for me to be quiet and meek and make myself fit in. Her parents were very similar.

My dad’s parents, particularly his mum, were much more encouraging. My grandma would host dinner parties and encourage me to speak to her friends- which terrified me at the time! She’d help me perform little plays and dance routines for family, that kind of thing. It was a slow burner though. I was incredibly meek as a child (in fact, I was mute when I started school) and it was only when I reached my late teens that I started becoming comfortable in myself. Maybe it helps that I experienced a horrible trauma at 16 and after that, I sort of thought “fuck it, life is awful so I might as well do what I want”.

That’s a long waffle, sorry! To sum it up, I’m not sure where I developed this confidence but it wasn’t from my parents and it wasn’t until I reached young adulthood.

Charisma. The ability to make people believe you are the best at what you do. That’s what separates the successful people I know, not actual ability or hardwork (though it must play some role too).

I think this is spot on.

I generally am successful in terms of my work. I put this down to needing survival instincts as a child. My mum was an alcoholic/ depressive. My dad was a violent alcoholic who committed suicide. It tends to sharpen your approach to success!

Because everyone I rang. I got told to come in for an interview. Every interview ended up with a job. Simple as. And that was every single person.

OP I suspect that you do have goals. Perhaps you don't want to say them out loud, but there must be things you want to try.

To quote Cheryl Sandberg - what would you do if you weren't afraid?

"You've got to enjoy the hard work and know what it is you want to achieve - it's not enough to just wish you were more successful."

Thanks Hollow Talk. Yes, I think that not knowing what I want to do is a big part of it.
I have to add that I'm also relatively unsuccessful in charity/volunteering type activities where I shouldn't really be suffering the same disadvantages at work. I'm on the committee of most things I join, but never in a position of responsibility and always ending up really frustrated thinking that my views aren't taken into account even when I know quite a lot about whatever is under discussion. It's actually this type of thing that made it clear to me that it's my personality at fault. There isn't the same hierarchy so personality matters for more if you see what I mean.

I do believe you make your own luck and success by working hard, having a good, positive attitude and being adaptable and willing to keep learning.

Identifying opportunities and being willing to take a certain level of risk, eg taking voluntary redundancy to explore further career options, moving roles and not just staying with the comfortable or easy option.

I would agree with charisma.

My husband is pretty successful. I am smarter, quicker and brighter by far but wallow in mediocrity. He is charismatic and has high emotional intelligence. FWIW, I went to private school but never felt good enough and he did very well at a local comprehensive. His sister doesn’t share the same attributes so I sometimes think there is genetics involved too

"OP it's good you want to change something about your life/career but you sound quite negative. I'm not trying to be rude but almost all your posts are negative or excuses or just sounding a little bitter. I'm sure that isn't the real you but there's definitely a lack of 'can-do' attitude."

Oh that is the real me!