How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

[BloomsButtons]

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

Leave him to it! Does your h have vision problems which mean he can't drive at night?

The only problem I see is the dh tbh.
I can't believe the kids hid in their rooms over xmas, I'd have had her gone as soon as the kids disappeared.
I'd refuse all visits from now on and tell dh she's his responsibility, and don't answer the phone, if she says anything, tell her you saw it was her so didn't pick it up. She's your dh mother and really nothing to you.

Enjoy the peace if they do

Lovely! Crack open a bottle and order yourself a Chinese. Don't encourage him home!

Every time she comes from now on I'd be out of the house as much as possible or go to my mother's. Would just ditch him with her. You're a saint to have put up with this. I had a boyfriend who was Mama's Boy about 25 years ago and though I really liked him, there's no way I'd put up with that for the rest of my life so I dumped.

They're on their way .

mum had phoned but 'because I could see who it was I decided not to answer it.'

How did she know it was your Mum if she couldn't see who it was?

As for the funeral event, I can sort of see that he might join his mother, but why not think sufficiently of your comfort and welfare to hand you the car keys?

Puzzling..

Just them?

@FinallyHere are-read the setback you quoted

She COULD see it

Re-read**
Sentence

The funeral episode is disgusting. The phone call from your DM, shows she's just sticking 2 fingers up at you.
I actually think you should tell your DH how you felt about the funeral incident

@FinallyHere

Re-read the sentence you quoted.

Puzzling huh? Well, if in doubt of my veracity you know what to do.

Finallyhere as a username kind of says it all OP 🙄 enjoy what's rest of your holiday with your nearest and dearest you deserve it xx

@elfycat

It's funny how some people are commenting on how unattractive the OP's DH must be. WHY? Because he's supposed to be a big strong man? Give over the gender crap. He's a victim of his parents, same as a woman would be. He probably doesn't say 'no' because he can't unless he's a twat, in which case she's just married to a twat because he's in a learned panic driven position. You want him to override years of his mother's manipulation in one thread?

No, elfycat, it's not gender crap. See upthread where a woman protects her DH from her toxic mother. It works both ways.

For me, the unexpected late departure suggests she's either found a list of tasks for him to do before leaving, or maybe even thrown a tantrum over being left on her own

Either way, since he's already shown he dislikes spending time with her, he'll probably arrive home in a filthy temper

Which hopefully might put him off inviting her again too soon

Lets hope she's not persuaded them to bring her back too! 🤞🤞

Hope they are home soon WITHOUT mil

As you already know a serious talk to DH is a priority and watertight agreement about any future visits , personally 3 days would be my max

Hope you had a lovely peaceful day having a tipple

Have read this thread totally agog at her nerve !

They're about 45 minutes away now.

I have set myself some boundaries for the things I can 'control' alone. The rest needs DH input and agreement. My own are:

• Not answering the phone to her. DH can be responsible for all calls to/from.
• I won't spend another night in her house. Premier Inn all the way when we go to the city.
• I will minimise contact with her on those occasions when I have to see her.

I have a funny feeling she'll be telling my BIL's how awful I have been and frankly I don't care. If I've been that awful she won't want to come back will she?

Well when you see her number come up you simply don't answer. Good enough plan for her ...
Block her on your mobile.

You have not been unreasonable !
Dh and mil are unreasonable !

Don’t be taking any crap from anyone over this bloody saga
You were more patient than 99 % of us would have been
( not based on an scientific count you understand lol )

Have a lovely evening

The other boundary you need to set is time limit on her visits that she knows about, no more open-ended crap.

And personally, I'd make it very clear your h that you'll no longer be used as his buffer so he can avoid her. That when she visits you will absent yourself from the house and he's responsible for all of entertaining her because you are done with her toxic, manipulative, mean and back-stabbing behaviour and her trying to control your actions in your own home.

I wouldn't lift a finger for her anymore. She will never, ever change and you're wasting your time trying to please her because all she'll ever do is bad mouth you.

Just try to stop caring about her. It's a waste of your time.

If he brings her back I'd not say a word, go upstairs, pack a bag and leave for your mum's house. He needs to get the message that he cannot use you anymore.

@BloomsButtons nothing but admiration and support from here. My PIL visit once a year and it's the only time DH & I argue. For the last three years, we've used their visit to go away for a few days and leave them to it. The won't spend time with the kids otherwise and use their visits as a shopping trip & turn up here at dinner time to be waited on hand and foot.

I no longer answer the phone. She phones DH on his mobile. They stay in a nearby travel lodge unless we're away. And I no longer pander to their shite. I don't have the energy nor do I care.

I'm polite and civil. For example we couldn't nick off this year due to health reasons but we were at a wedding. I still prepped and cooked for them on the Mon/Tues after their exhausting day long shopping trips even though I was full of the cold and knackered from my chemo.

DH has had to ask her to stop phoning me. She's only just started since my diagnosis and I'm 100% certain is being used as a 'my poor DIL' story round her prayer groups and hence she has to call because she'll be asked and she can hardly say she hasn't spoken to me in months now can she.

It is all just fucking exhausting and you have my upmost sympathy

@KeepCalm you're right it is exhausting.

My family have come home and they didn't have unexpected company.

DH was telling me that MIL asked him to go to Church with her this morning and every single person they spoke to asked MIL why she was home so early! She had indeed told everyone except me and DH of her exact plans and return date.

Apparently she gave each person a different excuse and DH was mortified.

BIL2 isn't speaking to DH and won't answer his phone. DH says he's not that bothered. We are curious about what he's been told though!

MIL was very generous and bought the boys new bedside cabinets which they need but DH had the money to pay for . He said she insisted.

Hopefully that's the end of the saga bar the ongoing discussions about handling future visits, etc.

Onwards and upwards!

BIL2 is probably pissed off because she'll expect to go to his for NYE and possibly the month of January