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Original poster

How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

600 replies

BloomsButtons · 26/12/2018 13:59

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

OP posts:
Weezol · 30/12/2018 04:26

Look, her visits make you all miserable - your children have spent Christmas hiding in their rooms for fuck's sake.

She doesn't come to stay again. Ever. Not at Easter, not ever. You've put up with it for long enough.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2018 06:24

I would definitely be busy if she ever visits again!
Oh and I'm even more cross with your spineless 'D'H now after hearing about the funeral incident.
You really do need to sit him down and talk because he needs to understand how he's treating you.

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 07:14

If she comes to stay again you absent yourself until she goes home

End of

Your Husband is a right tosser

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Families
diddl · 30/12/2018 08:25

Did you ever say anything to your husband about the funeral, Op?

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 30/12/2018 09:38

Diddl no I didn't as in my head my complaint just sounded petty. I think the fact it was a funeral made me feel it was impossible to raise it as an issue.

I'm actually quite stunned that so many of you agree that what happened was as bad as I thought it was.

Thankfully DH and I now have time to discuss things and come up with a plan of action for the future. He speaks to her maybe once a week, sometimes less. When he does speak to her he always, always is met with 'oh, so you are still alive!'

Yesterday before she left my mum phoned. I was out at the shop and when I came back MIL told me mum had phoned but 'because I could see who it was I decided not to answer it.'

OP posts:
diddl · 30/12/2018 09:54

That was rude-she could have just let your mum know that you weren't there.

Where was everyone else though?

Mind you, if your mum wouldn't have wanted to speak to her-perhaps no harm done.

She certainly likes to shit stir, doesn't she?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 30/12/2018 10:05

I've read this whole thread open-mouthed and appalled at your predicament. Everyone else seemed to have most of it covered, BUT ... as a fellow teacher, I would say that it is essential that you get some time to unwind properly in the holidays.
Bearing in mind what the neighbour said about her arriving home early, it does sound as though there was a mix-up in interpretation of which Saturday she was leaving. Perhaps she assumed that "come for Christmas" automatically included New Year and therefore going home on a Saturday meant the one after NYD.
Either way: lesson learned. Be crystal clear (and absent) for the next visit.

woolduvet · 30/12/2018 10:26

You know what to do when your mil rings now, don't answer

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2018 10:27

Blooms I think the funeral situation was absolutely dreadful!!! What on earth was your husband thinking just leaving you standing there?!!! Funeral or not, he'd have known I was fuming and he would have definitely known about it after the funeral for sure!
That was really shitty behaviour

PanamaPattie · 30/12/2018 11:14

I would refuse to let her visit or stay with you in the future. If MIL wants to see DH, he can go and stay with her. Your house is your sanctuary. Remove the guest room. Turn it into an office. Make it impossible to accommodate guests. MIL does not deserve your kindness.

PanamaPattie · 30/12/2018 11:15

...we removed all the beds at home -apart from ours - when the DC left home. No beds = no guests.

Yulebealrite · 30/12/2018 11:48

Don't you even want your kids to visit panama ?
Removing all the beds seems odd and sends a fuck you message. What have you done with the rooms?

PanamaPattie · 30/12/2018 11:57

My DC all live within an hour of us. I removed the beds as a fuck you to the in-laws who would regularly out stay their welcome. One room is an office, one is a dressing room and the other is an upstairs living room.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2018 11:57

I'm actually quite stunned that so many of you agree that what happened (at the funeral) was as bad as I thought it was

I went through the same in having my eyes opened by the reactions of others; it's just so easy to get bogged down in our own situations, and an "outside" view - the real beauty of Mumsnet - can be so helpful

To give your MIL some perverted credit, I have to say she's good at this ... picking her moments carefully to make quite sure she can always present herself as the victim or, at best, allowing herself to claim "well, what could I doooo?"

The good news, now you're coming to terms with the game she's playing, is that you can be properly prepared for the next time; as I've said, though, don't be surprised when she ramps it up as types like this don't give up easily

RebootYourEngine · 30/12/2018 12:24

I have visions of her coming back tomorrow or your dh wanting to move to be nearer her.

woollyheart · 30/12/2018 12:46

I sometimes have guests and am not sure how long they are staying. And I have stopped at people's without a clear plan of how long we were staying.

Usually it ends up the guest expects to stay a day or two, and the host would like them to stay a little longer...

But it is really important to have a conversation (with everyone present) so that you can decide the length of the stay between you. Then everyone can relax with an end in sight. And you don't have to rely on rumours spread

Tentomidnight · 30/12/2018 12:56

PanamaPattie I can relate. My friends ate horrified that I plan to downsize from my 4 bed family home to a much smaller one once my DC leave. They say ‘but what about grandchildren? Wherr will wveryone sleep?’. In fact I hate having people to stay, even close family or friends.

Tentomidnight · 30/12/2018 12:56

Excuse typos, I’m on my phone

EffYouSeeKaye · 30/12/2018 14:33

I love that Panama. Brilliant.

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 30/12/2018 15:48

DH and boys haven't left yet. I'm now waiting for the call telling me they'll stay there tonight and leave first thing so they're not travelling in the dark.

I may be wrong but I wouldn't be at all surprised.

OP posts:
ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 30/12/2018 15:53

So they're voluntarily staying another night? That's a bit weird, isn't it?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 30/12/2018 15:57

Maybe apron strings have been replaced by cable ties?

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2018 16:08

So he's choosing another night???
Bloody hell.
Look on the bright side, you get another takeaway!

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 30/12/2018 16:11

He's not chosen anything yet! I just know that he wanted to get home before it was dark and was expecting them to leave by 2pm at the latest.

It's already dusk here and they've not left for the 3 hour drive home.

OP posts:
WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 30/12/2018 16:11

Perhaps it's taking longer than expected for MIL to pack up her entire belongings and fit them into your DH's car?

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