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Original poster

How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

600 replies

BloomsButtons · 26/12/2018 13:59

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 29/12/2018 18:53

Next time she visirs its 3 days with firm plans that means she jas to leave by day 4.

CookPassBabtridge · 29/12/2018 19:01

Hmm his reaction indicates he still doesn't get it OP.. why on earth would you want to go. Unless he thought you'd want to see DS1?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 29/12/2018 19:05

Aw, I do love a happy ending!

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Families
PeaQiwiComHequo · 29/12/2018 19:12

is the DC's brother that they are visiting also your own son, or is he a half-brother? if he's your son it is kind of odd to miss an opportunity to see him, but totally understandable given your desperate need for rest.

KitKat1985 · 29/12/2018 19:59

I hope you are enjoying the house to yourself this evening OP. Smile

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 29/12/2018 19:59

Pea DS1 is my son but he was here for Christmas and only went back to the city on Wednesday night. I'll be seeing him soon myself.

DH phoned a little while ago, he was wandering round Lidl (we don't live anywhere near one). One of his brothers phoned his Mum and apparently the conversation took place in hushed tones so he couldn't hear what was said but at a guess he was wondering why his Mum was home so soon.

A neighbour thought something was wrong as MIL was back home so she's obviously told everyone except us how long she expected to be away.

I've been thinking about my relationship with MIL, especially over the last 12 months and have come to realise that while I love her as the mother of my husband and my children's grandmother, I don't like her.

There was a family death earlier this year and on the day of the funeral she had a seat in the 'family' car. There was a seat left and she insisted DH go with her but not until the last possible moment. DH had our car keys in his pocket as we were supposed to be driving together and all the other cars had set off for the crematorium and I was left standing on the pavement. I was only saved by my DH uncle arriving late or I'd have been left there. MIL looked so smug as DH climbed into that car too leaving me standing there. She'd have loved it if I had been left behind.

I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking before I see her again but right now feel that I will be limiting my contact with her as much as possible.

I know my SIL (DH eldest brothers wife) has a difficult relationship with her too. MIL doesn't like SIL very much. But then she disproves of most of BIL's choices so this isn't surprising.

OP posts:
Original poster
BloomsButtons · 29/12/2018 20:01

I have had a lovely day! My first proper day off since school finished!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/12/2018 20:04

I guess from now on you tell MIL and DH when she can visit and how long for and if she outstays her welcome DH will be visiting her from now on...

woollyheart · 29/12/2018 20:16

She obviously DOES have a plan but doesn't see fit to tell you about it, and prefers to keep you on the defensive. You need to be much more specific about invitations - you are invited from x and DH will drive you back on y.

Just remember - this is incredibly rude. She has told everyone else her plan and doesn't think you or DH have any say in it.

FinallyHere · 29/12/2018 20:34

although she's realised she's 'beaten' this time and is being very sweet now

Good, well done OP. Remember you have the solid backing of the legions of MN and keep it like that from now on, good luck

And what @woollyheart said * She obviously DOES have a plan but doesn't see fit to tell you about it, and prefers to keep you on the defensive. You need to be much more specific about invitations - you are invited from x and DH will drive you back on y.

Just remember - this is incredibly rude. She has told everyone else her plan and doesn't think you or DH have any say in it.*

Plan of campaign required. She will be much nicer to you, once she has to accept that you are on to her and are essentially smarter than her tricks.

dustarr73 · 29/12/2018 20:38

Just watch she doesnt come back tomorrow with your DH.

And there would be no more visits for a while.You need your restGrin

Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 29/12/2018 20:39

Wonder if your dh gets tucked into bed tonight by his dm!!??

Waddsup12 · 29/12/2018 20:43

I'd be ringing sil & finding out the issues in more depth.

I'm lovely but believe forewarned is forearmed.

I also have elderly friends & relatives & they can be brutal in ensuring they win. Some of them have got sharper as they age, particularly in their 80's.

woollyheart · 29/12/2018 21:06

Did MIL have a career?

It is quite easy for people with a demanding career to understand that you need some time to relax before going back to work. But if she never had to rush back to a full time job, she may not appreciate this.

If you teach, you will need to take advantage of the rest over Christmas. You definitely need an agreed plan to make sure you have some privacy and rest over the holidays.

If you learn how to handle difficult people firmly and politely, that will certainly help you in a teaching career.

Maybe be more open with your DH on what you want when events are planned. Absent yourself if she is taking liberties and your DH is playing along with her games. When he has to deal with the aftermath himself, he will be more careful what he lets you in for.

ButteryParsnips · 29/12/2018 21:51

How do you usually find out what the plan is for your MIL's next visit, OP? Do you and DH discuss it, or does he tell you that 'MIL wants to come / will be coming on X date'? It would be worth thinking about your strategy for dealing with that when it comes up. I think if something gets sprung on you, it might be worth saying 'Ah, that's the weekend OldFriend was talking about getting together so that's great, I'll go and stay with her that weekend and let you have quality time with your mum'. Keep casually absenting yourself at the planned time of a visit and watch him panic Wink

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2018 22:07

on the day of the funeral she had a seat in the 'family' car ... MIL looked so smug as DH climbed into that car too leaving me standing there. She'd have loved it if I had been left behind

Sadly this doesn't surprise me at all; I recognise the type only too well and it's not a pleasant one

Please don't imagine she'll have learned any lessons from what's happened this week - instead I'd expect the manipulation to step up, probably including sudden, acute illnesses. All you can hope is that DH has had his eyes opened a little and might perhaps act accordingly

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 29/12/2018 22:14

Buttery MIL usually phoned DH and announces when she's coming/when she'd like to come.

What you've written is exactly what I plan to do next time she comes. She can come and see DH and the boys but I'll be absenting myself for the majority of her stay.

Ironically for her last visit I was busy. She came Wed to Wed and it was during term time. I had a two day work thing away from home and a busy weekend planned. I only saw her briefly most days and it worked brilliantly. By the end of her stay DH was tearing his hair out and was desperate for her to leave. He needs reminding of exactly how he felt at that time!

One thing I won't be doing ever again is being the driver who goes to pick her up/take her home. I know how that sounds but I did it in the summer (round trip in one day- left at 6am and home again at 3:00pm) and then for her autumn visit she got on the bus despite DH saying he'd pick her upConfused🤔.

OP posts:
WellBHoise · 29/12/2018 23:55

Yup, your DH can’t leave you to run interference for him. He either wants her there and entertains, or he doesn’t and he limits visits and shortens them.

Drum2018 · 30/12/2018 00:10

Your Dh's needs a stern talking to. The funeral incident is another situation where he has let you down and pandered to his mothers demands. Make sure he knows how it will be going forward. Even if you have to invent a work trip and go and hide out stay with your mum instead, I'd be gone if she's coming to stay.

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2018 00:14

I'd be ringing sil & finding out the issues in more depth.

I agree a conversation may prove useful. Expecially if you can fit it in before your DH comes back. He's been with his DM overnight and she may well have dripped poison in his ears, as she won't want to stay "beaten" for long.

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 30/12/2018 00:26

Drum the funeral incident has played on my mind. So much so that I know what I would have done if DH's Uncle hadn't stepped in.

I couldn't quite believe it and she timed it perfectly, I mean what could I say? We were going to a funeral after all.

I was annoyed at DH that day for not having my back, for not refusing to get in that car and instead choosing to leave me
standing there, but again couldn't say anything because it was the funeral of a family member.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 30/12/2018 00:50

Wow! What a saga! My ex mil would pull this sort of shot and tbh my Dom isn't much better! Glad you found a solution eventually

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 30/12/2018 01:15

I mean what could I say? We were going to a funeral after all.

People like your MIL play these things out in a way that will make you look bad if you stand up for yourself. If you look back you'll probably find numerous situations where MIL did something so perfectly timed that she got away with it because you were too polite to say anything at the time.

My MIL used to be like this. I learned very quickly to go NC with her and when I do have to see her (funerals, etc) I call her on her shite no matter where we are or who is about. It's stopped a lot of her behaviour to my face, now she just slags me off when I'm not around to call her on it.

Missingstreetlife · 30/12/2018 03:22

She can ask for the dates she would like but you don't have to agree ffs

Winterfellwonderland · 30/12/2018 03:39

Turn your guest room into your beauty room/dressing room. Sorry mil we have no space anymore 🤷🏼‍♀️

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