DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

I’ve told him what I’ve just posted

Well done op. Social services work till 4.30 then emergency duty team. You could ring them now, they may hurry up your wait and meet you at child health clinic or there, or visit you later, or be reassured you can cope over Xmas and offer you appt next week.
You are so doing the right thing, youre going to get a whole back story from dp, some of it may be sad but he has to take responsibility. He is not entitled to give you space, you are entitled to take it.
I wonder about relationship with his son, but that's another story
Glad your dad is supportive, just take it steady, and don't cave in.

I am so glad you’ve told him and that he’s recognised it,

FWIW my husband grabbed DS once as a toddler and left a bruise. He did this completely inadvertently and was mortified when he saw it,

There’s a difference between deliberate harm and accidental harm .

He’s actually taken it very seriously and thinks SS would be a good idea to help fast track him into anger management

Anger management training has been discredited recently because it enables abusers to hide their anger more effectively and doesn’t actually deal with the causes of why they can’t regulate their anger in the first place.

I wouldn’t see it as the cure-all you think, OP.

So he admits its non accidental. Parenting may help him develop empathy and learn other techniques but it's not looking good. Day at a time op. Hour at a time today. You are doing well

I’m sorry but if you’re worried about your dh kicking off over anything, then I’d be leaving him regardless. He sounds horrible. How he can change a nappy which results in a bruise, goodness knows. Next he’ll be shaking him in anger and your baby will be dead. Sadly that happens.

@Sandbox and @starcrossedseahorse I used to be a nursery nurse many years ago and would see these small type of finger print bruises all the time. Children bruise easily. Picking them up to keep them safe or grabbing them from a fall can leave finger print bruises. The bruise in the Op is slightly bigger than what I am describing, granted, but finger print bruises often happen in loving care, not 'fucking awful' abuse.

Just say to him that he doesn’t seem to know his own strength and he’s accidentally bruised the baby. If he’s a good guy he will be mortified and take care going forward.

I’ve worked in a nursery. I know lots of babies and I have never seen finger print bruises from changing a nappy.

Thequaffle we've already established that many (most, nearly all) men are perfectly capable of editing the strength they use when dealing with a child. He's clearly not a good guy is he, god, the minimising and settling for shit with a horrible man who's a risk to a child, and a woman, is appalling.

OP - you don't need to upload a photo of the bruise. A bruise is a bruise and has no place being on your child. Protect him. Tell your DP to knock it off. If you're scared of his reaction, why are you even with him?

Slappinthebass oh my. Yes of course bruises can occur and most are no cause for concern. What is concerning is the father behaviour and reaction towards the bruising. It shows a complete lack of empathy and control.

Op what if ss get involved see straight through his act and tell you to leave him immediately?

I think it would be a good idea to ask him to leave for now, you need time to get some support and assess the situation..it would show SS that you are taking this seriously.

Flamingo- if they say leave obviously i’d leave but surely if i just leave then dp wont get any help through them

DP doesn't need 'help' FFS. He's not incapacitated or a child.
You're minimising it and inadvertently you will minimise as you describe the event.
Why are you so keen to get him help? Can he not help himself? Is your relationship so toxic that you have been led to believe he can't control it or it isn't his responsibility.
Poor lamb being violent towards a baby and needing his partner to get him help.

Flamingo- if they say leave obviously i’d leave but surely if i just leave then dp wont get any help through them

How is that your problem?

If he wants to seek help that's up to him.

He is not your priority.

Do you honestly think hell ever change?

It’s not obvious at all OP, it took a bunch of random women on the internet to convince you of the fact that what he did wasn’t normal or acceptable. So with respect, and I do think you’re doing the right thing taking the baby to get checked, it’s not at all obvious that you’d leave.

It’s also still all about your DP and him “getting help”. Not your problem, nor your responsibility.

Ask yourself this, when your overtired and grumpy baby was crying getting his nappy changed, and his massive (to him) grown man of a father's face twisted in anger before he made the decision to squeeze/grab/hold his leg, how do you think your son felt? Utterly powerless, tired and overwhelmed, and being hurt by the one man, the one man in his life he should be able to trust. How do you think he felt?

Its my problem because if he doesn’t get the help my son won’t have a relationship with his dad that is my responsibility he’s clearly in a bad place to do that to his own son surely taking his son will make him worse and then my son misses out

DH was tickling and play fighting with our 14mo DS which resulted in 2 small circle bruises where he had pressed his fingers to tickle his legs. DS did not cry and was laughing the entire time. When I changed DS later on and saw the bruises I shouted DH over so we could figure out where they came from and when we realised it was because DH was a bit too rough with him he was absolutely heart broken and refused to play with DS for weeks in case he hurt him again.

Many times he has tickled me and left a red mark but that's because I mark easily. He is heavy handed but knows that, and tries to be as gentle as possible. He does not get defensive or angry when I have pointed it out and if he did I'd take that as an extreme warning sign and get as far away as I could. Accidents do happen and kids end up full of random marks and bruises but if a parent cannot apologise and feel bad for making a mistake then they shouldn't be a parent.

Its not your responsibility. Its his.

You pointed out the issue, its his job to fix it. If he wants a relationship with his son, then he will.

How is his relationship with his child your responsibility? Your SOLE responsibility is to keep your child safe. That’s it.

If he has anger problems then this is going to escalate when you have a defiant toddler to deal with. They are HARD work and can make most of us think awful things. Of course, the vast majority never act on those feelings - I'm not so sure that he won't......

Stop saying im minimising i know he’s really hurt my son I keep looking at the bruise and crying. It’s the first time this has happened apart from the tickling thing nothing like this before i was scared to bring it up because i’m such an anxious person and grew up in care thats not DPs fault