DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

I have to give the benefit of the doubt here which is why i’m not leaving right this second but he knows I will
Nah. Youve let him off with it now.
Also, after this change your username so he cant stalk you. You are going to need the anonymous support more than you know.

Last post for now as we’re faced with a long wait and no phone charger, if i thought for even a second my son would get hurt again i wouldn’t stay with him. We’re hanging in the air over this i’ve told him I’m not sure if i can forgive it and he’s giving me the space to being DS here on my own, i just dont know if i should throw away everything and uproot my son plus ruin my DP’s life over one (albeit big) mistake

well its up to the OP to make her decisions.

The entire point of message boards is to get a range of opinions.

As I said, I would have personally have kicked off about this

. That doesnt mean id get bloody social services involved. He was trying to stop a wriggly baby getting away from a nappy change. Not beating him. He needs to calm it and move over to pull ups or soemthing.

God this thread is so depressing, some of the reactions.

You don't have to full on punch a baby to still know that you are likely hurting them, come on for Christ's sake! Being deliberately reckless with your physical strength, holding just that bit tighter because godammit that child will obey you because you're starting to get (completely inappropriately) enraged is not accidental, it's a form of exercising your physical control over someone smaller than you due to a problem with inappropriate feelings of rage.

This is by definition a dangerous person to be around anyone, male, female, adult or child.

Christmas is absolutely right - he was deliberately excessively physical without a care of if it would cause an injury or not.

One only hopes OP does that the help she needs, namely to kick this horrible man out of her life before he really hurts her baby. Or her. Or both.

None of you guys here have to live with the consequences of what you advise

Neither do you. The child is at risk.

if i thought for even a second my son would get hurt again i wouldn’t stay with him.
He will get hurt again. But you see it won't be your DP's fault because he 'tried' not to lose his temper. Oh and if only Childrens Services had got their finger out and got him onto bloody 'Anger Management' courses of course nothing further would have happened........reading this and from many years experience within social care you can almost write the future story.
And shame on the person who said her children were bruised from nappy changes. Totally unacceptable

he reacted completely opposite to how i thought he would

i was worrying about something that hadn’t even happened

Oh god Oneinthegrave I want to scream with frustration because you're not getting it and yet I understand why because you're basically my mother 40 odd years ago.

You're seeing this as "I got it wrong" but you're ignoring the fact that you obviously have reason to anticipate negative reactions from him. You LIVE with this man - he has given you reason to walk on eggshells worrying what he might say or do. Every one of your posts before you finally spoke to him made reference to the fact you were worried about his reaction, read them back.

You're blaming yourself for how you've portrayed him here, you've said if it was worse than a bruise that'd be your fault not DPs! Has it ever occurred to you that the man you live with might be a cause of your anxiety?

if i thought for even a second my son would get hurt again i wouldn’t stay with him

I bet if you’d been asked last week if he lost it with the baby and bruised him in temper you’d have said that was a red line and you’d leave.

And one last thing, I'd put money on the fact that this isn't the first time he's hurt your child

@Branleuse Did you miss:

1. He is very heavy handed
2. He digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if I say something
3. I had to take over because DP was getting angry
4. I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off
5. i think he’ll try and make out like he’s done it elsewhere or say something like well he shouldnt try to get away
6. He might be gutted he might kick off I don’t know
7. I’ve pre-assumed that he might kick off because of how he does when he accidentally hurts me which i get is not ideal but again, that’s only happened a few times when he’s had too much to drink

OP PLEASE READ RIOTINGBANANAS POST OF 11:50:23

THOSE ARE YOUR WORDS.

The more OP posts, the more concerned I get. She is now backtracking which is pretty common in the cycle of abuse which she appers to be in with her partner.

Remember you were scared to tell your partner in the first place? Because he gets angry and defensive. You were surprised by his reasonable reaction so are now saying "everything fine! He didn't get angry" this is not normal.

I hope MN admins are on this in case OP is not going to report this incident, OP has posted a picture of the bruise.

Tears in his eyes doesn't mean it wont happen again.

Keep an eye. And be alert.

Protect your child above all else these things he is doing is screaming out all the warning signs you need. This man is a risk to your child most men are heavy handed but adjust when it comes to their wife and children I e my husband is an ex boxing army veteran with p t s d he tickles and play fights with his boys ( 6 kids 5 of whom are boys) but has never in all that time 30 years married and children from 28 down to 5 yrs marked them even remotely or scared them with a bad mode. Please never leave him alone with him and leave and deal with the danger that is flagging up. I wish you well as this is such a difficult but important thing you have to deal with especially at Christmas

slappinthebass I completely agree with Sandbox and troubles - bruising like this from nappy changes is appalling.

OP please read Rioting's post. This is an abusive situation for your and your baby.

OP, next time you post, change your username and don't tell your partner about it or point him at the thread.

It shouldn't take anonymous messages to convince him he's wrong for one thing, and for another, it's cutting off your support.

If he thinks he needs social services to access anger management, he’s wrong... he should be addressing his anger issues, he’s a grown man. But I honestly believe you need to take your son to the GP to get his leg checked - that’s a big bruise - and tell the GP honestly about what happened. They’ll refer to social care who will assess how your son needs to be protected. You really need to step up and be the protective parent here. I’m a social worker myself, and I was really concerned to see that bruise.

Ah sorry OP, just seen you’ve gone to the walk in centre. That’s the right thing to do. Please tell them honestly what happened.

If the doctor doesnt refer it to social services i’m going to ring them myself because we do need some help that much is obvious. The more i’m sat here on my own thinking about it the more I’m thinking that we’ll split up over this I just need this time to gather my thoughts, hopefully enjoy christmas as much as possible tomorrow and then address the situation again. I’ve spoken to my dad and be says DS and I are very welcome to go to his when he gets back (gone on holiday til 27th)

Good stuff OP. Stay strong and don't be swayed by false promises and crocodile tears.

Kick him in the bollocks and get him the fuck out.

You’re getting there OP, keep going

Well done OP, there will be lots of support for you on here . Take care

OP you said you showed DP this. So I'm guessing we have to assume he's reading it?